[xRavenx]

My mother and I are close, and she is very helpful. However, I am coming to the conclusion that she is contributing to my level of anxiety and might have for years with certain learned behaviors. We don't live close, but I think she tries too hard to influence my decisions and always has something to say about how I do things, including judgments about my relationship, although she accepts my boyfriend.

Recently, my boyfriend and I decided to take a trip over to Europe to see some places. We didn't get airfare yet. We were planning to go to somewhere on land and take different methods of transportation. She keeps getting on my case that I should be taking a cruise and that is easier. Or she will talk me out of going over there to begin with and will suggest all of these other places. She keeps saying it will be stressful and that I won't be able to keep up with the pace. I'm not opposed to her ideas, but my boyfriend and I both need to be on board about our decision, and I don't think it would be a bad one. However, I am anxious due to all of these things my mom is putting into my head about bad things that can happen.

Part of me wonders if she is right, but part of me wonders if she is holding me back with allowing myself to be open about exploring new things and going with the flow more. She keeps bombarding me with information, and I am well into my thirties. Any suggestions on setting boundaries? She seems to get upset when I try to tell her to stay out of it, although I appreciate her help and concern. It just seems to be over the top.

[Yaowen]

I am sorry that you are in that situation. To be honest, I am in a very similar situation. For the sake of my mental health, I have had to limit contact with my mother: visits, telephone calls, text messages and such. Otherwise, I will start to get into a depression again.

There are many books and articles on the Internet about how to set boundaries. These did not work so well for me though although I am sure they have really helped other people. I wish I had some good advice to offer, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here on the Forums will see your post and respond with useful ideas! So very sorry I could not be helpful to you in this. I hope things work out for you. My heart really goes out to you!

[divine1966]

If you don’t want to argue just say “ok thanks” and do your own things

So bad things could happen on land but won’t happen on a cruise? And during pandemics? Really?

Just don’t share details until it’s set and done. There is no need to discuss details ahead of time, you give her ammunition to criticize your choices

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you don’t want to argue just say “ok thanks” and do your own things

So bad things could happen on land but won’t happen on a cruise? And during pandemics? Really?

Just don’t share details until it’s set and done. There is no need to discuss details ahead of time, you give her ammunition to criticize your choices

Thanks for this. There are certain things I'm going to keep from her.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I am sorry that you are in that situation. To be honest, I am in a very similar situation. For the sake of my mental health, I have had to limit contact with my mother: visits, telephone calls, text messages and such. Otherwise, I will start to get into a depression again.

There are many books and articles on the Internet about how to set boundaries. These did not work so well for me though although I am sure they have really helped other people. I wish I had some good advice to offer, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here on the Forums will see your post and respond with useful ideas! So very sorry I could not be helpful to you in this. I hope things work out for you. My heart really goes out to you!

Thank you, I appreciate it. I am sorry that you have to deal with this too.

[RoxanneToto]

I agree with divine1966. If there’s no reason for your mum to know your plans, if you don’t share them she can’t influence you into making decisions you’re not entirely on board with.

[unaluna]

Is she hinting for you to take her along? A cruise might be easier for HER - except for getting COVID! My mother wanted to go on vacation just to brag that her kids took her - she didnt really enjoy anything except casinos, which she went to constantly on her own or with friends.

[Mendingmysoul]

Is your mom overprotective of you? Sometimes these kind of mothers can be paranoid about their children's decisions and tend to worry too much.They think their children can not survive on their own and that their intervention is a must.They may sometimes become judgemental of their children's decisions.May not mean any harm but can be very overbearing to adult children.You said you are close to her and she is helpful in ways.She is having a hard time to realize that you can make good decisions for yourself and you have grown up now.Others have given good advice.You need to slowly start not sharing every detail about you.Sometimes a relationship between mother and daughter becomes too enmeshed if allowed tobe.You need your boundaries. Specially about your relationship with your boyfriend.

[divine1966]

My daughter would laugh if I told her she needs to vacation the way I see fit. My daughter and son in law intend to travel to a wedding with a newborn next spring. Too far to drive do they’ll be flying. I don’t know how they plan to do it, baby will be a month old. That’s a bit extreme. But I trust that they are adults and can manage their lives and my opinion isn’t needed. Unless they ask. I have a rather difficult toxic dad but even he wouldn’t tell me how I am supposed to travel or what I am supposed to do.

So these observations lead me to suspect your mother doesn’t see you as independent and capable adult? Does she not trust your judgement?

[Bill3]

She seems to get upset when I try to tell her to stay out of it, although I appreciate her help and concern.

What happens when she gets upset? What feelings do you have when she gets upset?

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Is she hinting for you to take her along? A cruise might be easier for HER - except for getting COVID! My mother wanted to go on vacation just to brag that her kids took her - she didnt really enjoy anything except casinos, which she went to constantly on her own or with friends.

My mom did mention she wants to take a cruise doing that.. but not with us luckily.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Is your mom overprotective of you? Sometimes these kind of mothers can be paranoid about their children's decisions and tend to worry too much.They think their children can not survive on their own and that their intervention is a must.They may sometimes become judgemental of their children's decisions.May not mean any harm but can be very overbearing to adult children.You said you are close to her and she is helpful in ways.She is having a hard time to realize that you can make good decisions for yourself and you have grown up now.Others have given good advice.You need to slowly start not sharing every detail about you.Sometimes a relationship between mother and daughter becomes too enmeshed if allowed tobe.You need your boundaries. Specially about your relationship with your boyfriend.

I think she can be overprotective and a worrier. She might have gotten that trait from her own father. I agree. She even made a comment about my relationship on the phone, saying "your boyfriend does not spend that much time with you", (we live a bit of a distance from each other and make it work in a way that works out for both of us. It would definitely be nice for us to be together more, but we are not yet at the point of moving in together).

I feel so much of what she says makes me either stressed or sad, so I think I need to share less. The mother day I was keeping stuff from her, and she said she was surprised I was being uncommunicative and said, "what's with you?" Maybe she sees me as not being capable enough; I don't know...

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What happens when she gets upset? What feelings do you have when she gets upset?

When she gets upset, she goes on and on about something and won't stop. Then she'll bring it up again later. I get anxiety and sometimes feel like I'm unable to trust myself as much due to her making these comments about what I should do. That being said, I don't always listen to her.

I am also hurt when she made that comment today about not spending much time with my boyfriend for some reason. It made me angry and upset.

[poshgirl]

What an amazing trip you're planning. Maybe your mother is a little jealous as well as over-protective. Unfortunately, some mothers do not recognise when to let go.

When you reach a certain age, she does not need to know everything. She is unfairly judging your relationship possibly against her own experiences and how things were done "in her day".

A few years ago, to celebrate a significant birthday, I suggested to my mother and aunt (her sister) that we went on a cruise together. She went along with the idea then suddenly said she couldn't bear the thought of sharing a cabin with me. So I withdrew the suggestion and booked 10 days in the Caribbean on my own. She then spent the time up to departure telling me I shouldn't do it.

If you are happy to do this trip with your boyfriend, regardless of your living arrangements, then go ahead. Enjoy the experience and maybe send her cards or photos from the places you visit.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

What an amazing trip you're planning. Maybe your mother is a little jealous as well as over-protective. Unfortunately, some mothers do not recognise when to let go.

When you reach a certain age, she does not need to know everything. She is unfairly judging your relationship possibly against her own experiences and how things were done "in her day".

A few years ago, to celebrate a significant birthday, I suggested to my mother and aunt (her sister) that we went on a cruise together. She went along with the idea then suddenly said she couldn't bear the thought of sharing a cabin with me. So I withdrew the suggestion and booked 10 days in the Caribbean on my own. She then spent the time up to departure telling me I shouldn't do it.

If you are happy to do this trip with your boyfriend, regardless of your living arrangements, then go ahead. Enjoy the experience and maybe send her cards or photos from the places you visit.

Thank you She went as far as looking up an article on the downsides of going there, because she says she doesn't want me to regret spending the money or the time. I don't think it's so much jealousy, but more so her being a worrier and wanting to control everything from afar because perhaps she does not trust my ability to plan something as good as the way she does things. I think this has really contributed to my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy like I can't do things as well as she can.

[Bill3]

I think this has really contributed to my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy like I can't do things as well as she can.

Might there be ways to stop her interference or tune out her voice?

Your mom sounds overbearing. Her behavior indicates to me, that she has way too much control and say in your life...because you have co-created that pattern with her, by sharing your plans about your life so openly. Here's the thing: you do not need your mom's approval. You are an adult. You can do whatever you want with your life.

I'm learning to stop sharing my life's plans with toxic family members. It's hard to break the pattern but I'm working on breaking that pattern. To take my power back. I would suggest that you consider that every relationship we have with another person has a cost and a benefit to us. The cost is what we give up. The benefit is what we gain.

What is the cost to your life when you share your plans with your mom and she jumps in to poo-poo your plans and tries to guilt you into doing things her way? What is the benefit to your life when you grey rock your mom with your plans and just respond with a vague reference repeatedly, even when your mom ramps up her guilt tripping statements to emotionally bait you?

[Pinny]

I just wanted to say that your trip sounds amazing! If you want any advice on places in Europe, please feel free to ask! Im in Scotland but Ive travelled through Europe and been to most countries so if there are certain places you know youre going, let me know and Ill see if I have any info for you!

As for your Mum, it sounds like she wants the control. It must be difficult to let go of that control and protective instinct as she wont be able to control you as much if youre away travelling in Europe. But that doesnt make it right or fair on you.

I agree with the others, youre an adult and you can make the decisions in your life.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Might there be ways to stop her interference or tune out her voice?

I have been trying to work on this

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Motts

Your mom sounds overbearing. Her behavior indicates to me, that she has way too much control and say in your life...because you have co-created that pattern with her, by sharing your plans about your life so openly. Here's the thing: you do not need your mom's approval. You are an adult. You can do whatever you want with your life.

I'm learning to stop sharing my life's plans with toxic family members. It's hard to break the pattern but I'm working on breaking that pattern. To take my power back. I would suggest that you consider that every relationship we have with another person has a cost and a benefit to us. The cost is what we give up. The benefit is what we gain.

What is the cost to your life when you share your plans with your mom and she jumps in to poo-poo your plans and tries to guilt you into doing things her way? What is the benefit to your life when you grey rock your mom with your plans and just respond with a vague reference repeatedly, even when your mom ramps up her guilt tripping statements to emotionally bait you?

Thanks for the feedback. It gives me some stuff to think about.

Also, she tries to offer help with a lot of things, but I do not want to accept her help, because it seems like it's conditional and gives her more control.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Pinny

I just wanted to say that your trip sounds amazing! If you want any advice on places in Europe, please feel free to ask! Im in Scotland but Ive travelled through Europe and been to most countries so if there are certain places you know youre going, let me know and Ill see if I have any info for you!

As for your Mum, it sounds like she wants the control. It must be difficult to let go of that control and protective instinct as she wont be able to control you as much if youre away travelling in Europe. But that doesnt make it right or fair on you.

I agree with the others, youre an adult and you can make the decisions in your life.

Thank you very much

[sarahsweets]

Hey @xRavenx Firstly- cruises are the worst option now. Its like a floating covid town.
But it does sound like you need to have a boundary talk with her. You will have to be very specific about what your boundaries are and the consequences for crossing them.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

My mother and I are close, and she is very helpful. However, I am coming to the conclusion that she is contributing to my level of anxiety and might have for years with certain learned behaviors. We don't live close, but I think she tries too hard to influence my decisions and always has something to say about how I do things, including judgments about my relationship, although she accepts my boyfriend.

Recently, my boyfriend and I decided to take a trip over to Europe to see some places. We didn't get airfare yet. We were planning to go to somewhere on land and take different methods of transportation. She keeps getting on my case that I should be taking a cruise and that is easier. Or she will talk me out of going over there to begin with and will suggest all of these other places. She keeps saying it will be stressful and that I won't be able to keep up with the pace. I'm not opposed to her ideas, but my boyfriend and I both need to be on board about our decision, and I don't think it would be a bad one. However, I am anxious due to all of these things my mom is putting into my head about bad things that can happen.

Part of me wonders if she is right, but part of me wonders if she is holding me back with allowing myself to be open about exploring new things and going with the flow more. She keeps bombarding me with information, and I am well into my thirties. Any suggestions on setting boundaries? She seems to get upset when I try to tell her to stay out of it, although I appreciate her help and concern. It just seems to be over the top.