Have I lost my boyfriend

Mixed messages means one thing - run away.

He didn’t respond last night to my asking him to unblock me. He also didn’t let me know this morning that he was back. I did text him, “Good morning! Are you back?” He said, “yeah, I’m back.” That was about an hour ago. I probably shouldn’t have asked him to unblock me. That may not have been a smart move. I just don’t know. It may have annoyed him. I really don’t know what to think or do.

If you have to constantly second guess yourself if you should say this or that, then it’s doomed. Go by what people do, not what they say. His actions are clear. Don’t waste time.

He blocks you and keeps you blocked yet he replies to you on your other phone. What if you just took him at his word and accepted that he doesn’t want a relationship? By keeping you blocked sends a clear message. You’re chasing and pursuing him, and he doesn’t even deserve it. Stop pursuing and cease all attempts at contact altogether. You don’t want to be his doormat.

Light hearted texts could be interpreted as general friendship conversation. As others have said. What do his actions tell you?
Sometimes we need to accept that what we want and what others want don't line up. It sounds to me like you two may not be on the same page in the same book. He seems to be in the how to play mind games and string people along with emotional manipulation book. You seem to be in the I'll settle for anything as long as I can call him my boyfriend book.

Actions do speak loud and clear a lot of the time, but sometimes things aren’t always so clear, especially when there are mixed messaged. He’s done this sort of thing before, and he hasn’t always been so clear. I can accept a breakup, it isn’t even that. It’s I need to for sure from him if that’s where this is at now. That’s why I want to ask if things are okay with us. If they really aren’t, then I have to accept it, pick up the pieces, and start moving on. I know that’s the sort of question you ask in person. But if there’s a disagreement the other person may be reluctant to see you. I don’t really see the harm in asking. It may annoy him, but this is my relationship too, and I need to know where things are at.

Furthermore, breaking up with someone over a drunk text message is a bit over the top, especially of it’s something he’s done himself. He’s drunk texted me before. But then again, he blocked me over it.

I really don’t see the harm in asking. Yes, his actions should make this clear, but they don’t.

You can ask him whatever you want. You don’t need anyone’s permission. But the very fact that you ask total strangers if you should ask your boyfriend questions, tells me that this is doomed. I can ask my husband whatever I want without worrying about it. I dated men whom I was not feeling as free to ask questions. And that’s why they are exes and he is my husband. If you keep second guessing your every move, it’s a sign that this isn’t a good arrangement .

The very fact that he isn’t clear about his intentions now and in the past tells you that he isn’t a good boyfriend. Him not being clear makes it pretty clear that this isn’t a good relationship (no pun intended)

Plus why do you need to ask HIM if things are ok. Do you make any type of observation of this relationship on your own? Why do you need him to tell you? It’s pretty obvious things are NOT ok as he didn’t even tell you he came back and he keeps you blocked. Do you think it’s ok and you need him to confirm? In what books is this ok? Things obviously are not ok. Take your life in your own hands.

Communicating while under the influence of alcohol is bad to begin with. Alcohol affects the filtering senses in the executive part of the brain. And not for nothing but lots of people who have a problem with alcohol say they are only social drinkers. And for those who develop problems with alcohol there is a delay in normal maturity so a person even in their forties can only have the maturity level of a collage partier. Not to mention they tend to end up in dysfunctional relationships and boohoo they are the poor little victim when in reality they keep making poor choices.

It sounds like you both are lacking as you both consume alcohol and “party”. Sadly it’s only when someone stops drinking and lives sober and “grows” that they can eventually recognize they were making the same mistakes over and over again due to their alcohol using lifestyle.

It’s a red flag when you are dating someone that likes to “hang out” in the bars and use the “my hang out” language. And a person can go to a concert and have a good time without drinking and getting high like a twenty year old.

So, I did break down and ask him what he wanted. I first started off by apologizing to him for hurting him by what I said in that drunk text. I told him I felt horrible about all of this. Then, I finally asked where things are at. I told him, “I need to to if we’re going to be okay. Are you needing time and space, are things over, are we okay? I just need an idea of where things are at. He responded about an hour later saying he wants some time and space. He did not say it’s over. If it were, I’m sure he would have said that. I texted him back and said, “okay, I’ll respect that. We’ll talk about things when you’re ready.” I’m leaving it at that. I’m not going to text him or do anything to violate that. I feel a little better about it because I know where things are right now and I know it’s not over at least yet. But now I’m having anxiety about his space because I’m thinking “what if he forgets about me?” What if I never hear from his again? What if this and what if that? I need to stop. I know those worries are normal to have, though.

Your worries are normal. I think you should take the space he has given you and fill it with the activities and other friends that bring you joy. You won't regret being happy without him right now.

It's always difficult to be without someone you care about. This is a chance to put your happiness as your top priority.

I am surprised that you are still dancing to his tune, despite several posters highlighting the red flags and his appalling behaviour. You are dismissing these posts. It is your life after all and if this is the type of relationship you want to be in (one-sided relationship where he keeps you emotionally hostage to his whims), so be it.

I will bow out of this thread.

In addition to Riv's post above, I wonder what it is about this man that keeps you "hooked" to him? I mean, he certainly doesn't sound like any kind of prize or like a solid, decent human being. Do you think you don't deserve better than this? Do you see how hard you are holding onto any shred of hope that this relationship is still alive and a romantic one? You're clinging to this as though it's a life raft for yourself. No judgements in saying that, so please don't take it as a judgement. It's an observation being reflected back to you based on how you're behaving. What's so special about this guy that keeps you clinging on so hard? You say you're willing to accept a breakup, but then behave in an opposite manner. Just accept the breakup, he has not unblocked you for a reason, but you're still trying to get through. I say this with compassion in my heart towards you, because I know I've behaved similarly in the past. But you have to have more self respect than this.

i echo what Have Hope said, you deserve better than how this guy is treating you

It’s not that I’m not taking advice or listening and I really appreciate everyone’s insight. It’s that other than this stunt of blocking me, he is a good guy. We’ve been through a lot together. I also know that having space doesn’t necessarily equal a breakup. If he wanted that, I know he would have said so. He is keeping me blocked. He reached out this morning and sent a message to my spare phone saying, “We do have a lot in common.” Not sure why he’d say that. He also said, “I’m annoyed at you.” I responded to him with, “I know you are and you have every right to be. I did some stuff lately that annoyed you. I’m sorry for that. I won’t do those things again. I can promise you that. Are you ready to talk about things?” He responded with, “I’m not mad, though.” Then I said, “I’m glad you’re not mad at me. That makes me feel a little better.” I then said, “keep telling me your thoughts and feelings so I can better understand where you’re at.” I am trying to be supportive to him, at the same time, I am mad at him for blocking me. I don’t know if I should tell him, or wait for him to reach out again, if he does. I really am not sure why he mentioned we have a lot in common. Not sure what that has to do with anything.

I agree his blocking behavior was way out of line. It makes a bit of sense now that he said he’s annoyed at me. I knew he was, but I wanted to hear it from him and I did. Even still, blocking someone like that is way extreme behavior that I’m not happy about. I will tell him, but now isn’t the right time.

I would block the guy back, with a message of "when you unblock me I will unblock you" let him learn what it's like to be completely alone, might be my eupd though (emotional unstable personality disorder)

Is that how you want your life to be - constantly wondering if something you did or said to your boyfriend was a smart move, or if you may have annoyed him? Sounds exhausting to me.

Why is he the only one who decides if you're still in a relationship or not? Do you REALLY want to be with someone who treats you the way he does? You're putting yourself down so much in your posts, blaming yourself. It almost sounds like you feel you don't deserve better, but you do.

This is a toxic dynamic going on right now - do you not see that? Blocking but still talking, stringing you along and giving you mixed messages? None of this is what a healthy normal relationship looks like. You're wrapped up in a toxic dance with this man, and until you see that it's unhealthy and not normal, you will continue to feed into and play his games.

I do see it. I know it is stupid, ridiculous, and quite frankly, I’m pretty pissed at him and unless we do things in an adult way, I’m done with him.

He contacted me yesterday afternoon telling me he’s thinking why would I say and think to leave me alone. I explained everything to him. He texted back at 11:00 last night saying, “I understand you’re scared about your eyesight.” Then another one that said, “you thought dumping me would improve your eye sight situation?” I texted back, “I didn’t think that at all.” Then, “I didn’t dump you and that wasn’t my intention.” I sent those around midnight. I haven’t heard from him since.

He’s being entirely immature, and cannot properly communicate. I’m pretty mad at him for this childish game!

Honestly, it’s easy to say just walk away. But when you have a history with someone and love them and we’re having a hard time right now, it’s not an easy thing to do. His behavior says a lot. I know he’s annoyed with me. That’s why I’m not walking away right now. I don’t want to make things worse. I’m giving him his space, I’m not contacting him first. I’ll respond if he says something, but I’m not bombarding him with texts. I’m just laying low for the time being.

I was in a relationship with someone who sounds very much like your boyfriend. The rushing to judgement about you breaking up with him when you didn't and then twisting things to make it seem like it was because of your health issue just about triggered my ptsd.
This man you are in a relationship with will not change. Things may be different from time to time, but he isn't changing. And the lows will get lower. It doesn't matter how much you love him. Would you treat someone you love they way he treats you? You deserve respect and love and compassion. If he can't give you those things now when you need them, when will he?

This is such an offensive question.

Agreed! PLUS, in a healthy relationship misunderstandings and conflicts are resolved quickly and with respect.

Yes, that is very true. This is not a healthy relationship right now. It was until this happened. As I have said, I know his behavior is out of line. It worries me actually that he’s behaved as he has.

How long have you been together? Usually, signs of a toxic person show up early on and give you a strong hint. Perhaps there are some warning signs that were dismissed and ignored.

I wonder why you’d not admit to him that those were drunk texts. You said it “should be obvious”. How so? You said to leave you alone so if he doesn’t know you were drunk, no wonder he is confused.

Is there a reason you can’t admit that or a reason he might find it obvious? If someone sends me nasty text, the last thing on my mind would be that they were drunk. It sure wouldn’t be obvious to me unless I knew they have substance abuse problem, which you said you don’t. Maybe the whole issue would be resolved if you admitted you were drunk. But maybe it would make it worse. Regardless, this isn’t a healthy relationship.