Anniversary

Well, as I look at my clock, it is officially the 16th now and I have been with my h for 10 years. I met him that long ago.......although we've only been married for about 7.

This has been eating at me for the last week, intensifying daily. I realize I'm getting older, chances of being with anyone that will make me happy is getting slimmer and I am so tired of being alone.

I make all the regular excuses for staying: my son's sake and money.........which are both valid, but I'm tired of being lonely and being alone.

We have no real relationship at all - he is a parasite that just won't let go. We have separate rooms and little contact with one another. Different interests, viewpoints and values........I've wondered all week why I didn't escape long ago when my son was smaller.

I know that all this is my own fault, as I let it continue, but I needed to say out loud the fact that he disgusts me and I really can't stand him. I have no respect for him and his self-centeredness.

I've been quieter around the house lately, thinking more. He actually noticed and asked me "what my problem is now"......so sweet he is. He says rude sexual comments to me in front of my son.........there will be a time when he will understand his father's crudeness. I don't care what he's going to do before he goes to sleep - ask someone who gives a *****.

I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Tired of playing the "game" to fit into life and people's expectations. Once in awhile I can be with a few of my friends where I can be myself and not worry about how others will take it, or whether they'll judge me before they know me.

Between all the other garbage in my life right now, the last thing I needed was this.........showing me how empty and fake my life is - 10 years worth of pain, anger and bruises. What a way to continue on. At 42, I feel 30 years older.



Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

How about letting us support you in making a plan to not be in the same circumstances in one year? What would be the first step?

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Good deal peanut. Make a plan and execute. Start putting something aside to make your new home with and do it. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. go for it.

I think that I know exactly how you feel. I think we have something in common when it comes to our relationships and when I read your post, I connected with it. I also feel like I can't be myself, like I have to pretend, otherwise we fight. My husband and I are so different and don't have much in common either. For 10 years I have had conflicting emotions and have been too scared to leave. I keep trying to leave, but I stay every time. What I have learned is the longer you pretend, the more it eats away at you. I don't think that feeling will ever go away until it is dealt with. Questions, do you love him? Are you in love with him? Can you see yourself living without him, happily? Just something for you to think about.
I don't know if any of this helps you, but I wanted to respond.

I keep trying to get ahead at some job so that I can start saving some money - hasn't happened yet. I've also tried getting at least a "normal" job where I wouldn't have to worry about Alex at all, let alone have to be able to pay someone to watch him.

His school has been so incredibly generous by letting his tuition slide till I can pay something - at this rate, it will be past retirement age.

I'm not up too dealing with things unless there is a firm plan in effect..........so yes, any ideas would be appreciated. Interesting to see if there are ones out there I haven't thought of.

Thanks, Jill. xoxoxox

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

hi Beacher.......most of the time I don't think about it but this week has been miserable. No, it doesn't go away either.

I am not in love with him. I care about him because we've been together for so long and have been through alot. Living without him wouldn't hurt my feelings a bit, just my pocketbook.

Peace and quiet would be awesome, he just watches our son for me while I work to death.......lol.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

{{{{{{Sesquix}}}}}}}}}}

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

Wow... you are only 42!! You have a lot of life to live yet. And, I think ther eis someone out there that can give you wahat you need. Hell, being alone would be better tahn what you are going through.

But, it is never too late. I am 48 (soon to be 49) and I for one am still plugging away, searching for the proverbial "soul mate". I had that once and blew it. I know I can get it again.. .it is just a combination of patience, effort and desire. You will make it happen.

Hi v!

((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{Vett}}}}}}}}}}

how wonderful to see you! I feel like I will never find someone - he has made me feel fat, ugly and completely unattractive and is trying for the stupid part as well.

I get called a "loser" all the time and just today he told me that all these years that I've been using him for his money!!! OMG, I just lost it today.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

{{{{{{Fuzzywuzzy}}}}}}}}

Hope you are feeling better. xoxoo

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

Wow! You have such deep offenses. Your heart needs emotional healing. You lost respect for your husband and thats the worst that can happen to a wife. Try a marriage retreat, if he is willing. Don't give up on 10 years of relationship. Work on you and how you arrived at how you feel because if you don't see that and you dissolve this marriage you will take the pattern into a new one with all your same problems plus another man's issues. Remember how you once loved this man and recall where it soured and work from there. Love isn't a feeling, it's an act of our wills and feelings will follow when we tackle the real foxes that are out to destroy our marraiges. Fight girl fight!!!!