[seeker1950]

I have posted here before about my longterm correspondence with my high school sweetheart. We have corresponded via email for over 10 years, but when he was visiting here in WV during the fall, I declined to see him, telling him it would be detrimental to my emotional health for a person-to-person visit, since our last to such visits were romantic in nature, with kissing and such, thus, taking me a long time to get back to normal in my thinking. He's "happily married" and I have been respectful fo that, receiving emails of his trips with his wife, etc. Still, I had become dependent on hearing from him. In his next to last email, he said I had "hurt his feelings" by not seeing him. Then, with the death of my mother, which I wrote to him about, he sent a curt condolence, and no more messages, though I sent him an email afterwards. I'm sad. I dare not write to him again, receiving no response...too humiliating!, but our communication over the many years has been so meaningful and fulfilling to me.
I realize I have relied on our communication to fill the void of a relationship in my life! Sad, isn't it!
Patty

[sabby]

(((((( Patty ))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling lost and sad about the lack of communication with your friend. Maybe you can take out of your past communications with him and decide what parts made you feel fulfilled. Then maybe you can look for those qualities in others that you come across IRL or online?

I hope you can work your way through this ache and pain you are feeling very soon.


sabby

[seeker1950]

Sabby....So sweet of you to respond to this!
I do realize, and have for some time now, that this was a substitute for a "real" relationship, but since those experiences had been so bad and traumatic, and hearing from him was so "fulfilling" to me, it was somehow better that way for all the years.

When I declined to see him during his visit here, I did tell him of this....that seeing him would only exacerbate my feelings for him, which I had worked long to balance. Also, his emails had already become few and far between, with responses from him apologizing for not writing sooner. Whereas...in the past, our emails had been several daily!

Still, having the illness of my mother, caring for her in my home, and her subsequent death, about which I wrote to him, I expected to hear more from him...I didn't .

He did tell me, when he was here in person with me, that he could "do things" which were reprehensible, and which should make a person feel shame, but he would not, and would lose no sleep over it! At that, I am glad I declined to be more affectionate toward him, since this means much to me.

Sorry for rambling here.
Patty

[bebop]

hon I think we all try to hang on to something when we are lonely. I don't blame you at all. I do understand how you are feeling. ((((hugs))))

[AAAAA]

Patty,

I'm sorry that this came at such a bad time. In a way, it's better this way, you saw his dark side and you don't really need that right now!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It makes me mad at how he's used such a beautiful, wonderful human being for his ego.
If he cared he would have been compassionate to you in your loss of your mother-- that is a BIG loss.

I'm so sorry Patty. I can understand your sorrow.

You so deserve to be valued and not to have to "share" the attentions of a man. I wish I could send that to you somehow-- I would.

why is it... if you don't mind me asking in your thread--not really directed towards you solely-- but-- Why is it that so many women will "settle" for what they get? but men, on average will ONLY accept the ultimate in compassion and conviction?..... seems your high school sweetheart knows and stands fast to what he wants and expects... since he demands you to share him when HE wants.

I hope I've not offended..... surely not my intention. I think you are a very valuable person. I hope that someday soon your guy will come and give you all that you've given out. I will hope and wish for you.

thinking of you kindly,
mandy

[sabby]

(((((((((( Patty )))))))))))

I do so understand being "gun shy" about relationships. You would have thought after 2 failed marriages I would have been that way. But for the life of me, I just couldn't. I couldn't allow the difficulties of those relationships ruin what could be in my future...what could be a good thing. For me, I had to take what I had been through and apply it to who I was at the end of the relationships. What do I want, what do I NOT want and hell no I won't settle again. And I didn't settle. I found a man who accepts me for me, who doesn't try to change me unless I want to change, then he is supportive either way. I found a man that I don't have to change because I love him for his good parts and the parts I'm not so keen on....I love the whole package. If he wants to change, I will support him, if not, it's ok because I don't expect it.

I don't have a quick and easy solution to your problem. All I can go by is my own experience. And I refuse to let the difficulties of past horrors to rule my life anymore. I guess thats me....can you find it in you?


sabby

[Perna]

It's a time of learning about relationships; all relationships can teach us things I think. I've been on the other end; had an ex-boyfriend calling me and writing me after he was married (and I wasn't yet). Even after he and his wife had a baby and he'd be at home babysitting while his wife was out and he'd call me and "complain". I could tell his marriage wasn't what he had expected but he was always a very selfish man and I knew/had experienced that. But I wasn't able to just say, "don't communicate with me anymore". I was relieved when I moved and he no longer had my phone number, etc.

I'm sorry for you the learning came when you wanted comfort and support over the loss of your mother. I don't think keeping in contact with him means shows anything about you except that you found a source of comfort and support that was good for you for a time! Now you will move on and look for something more local and reliable; you're a better judge of people now than you were.

[seeker1950]

Thank you all for responding to my post about this....At work today, I felt a bit embarrassed that I posted here about it.

Since I DID tell him, when I declined to see him, that it was for my emotional well-being, since the previous in-person visits (twice) had left me reeling and feeling romantic, taking a long time to get over. Also, I told him that I realized how I was substituting a real-life relationship for this online correspondence between us, which had come to be more safe and satisfying that risking another debacle in real life.
He apologized in one of his last emails, and so....maybe he is just doing me a favor.

On the other hand, I feel cynical toward him. Last night, I had yet another of my recurring "abandonment" dreams about him, which I've had all my adult life. This experience of not hearing from him is just like the dreams...a predictor of things, I guess. I will have to come to terms with this.

Hearing from you all about this has helped me immensely.
Love to all of you!
Patty

[Ocean13]

You and he are having an 'emotional' affair by email. And if something more happened during a trip than you are encouraging the 'affair'. How is this fair to his wife? To him? and to YOU? By him not responding, he might be waiting to see if you'll 'beg' for him (controlling)..or maybe his wife has found out?! I suggest go cold turkey and back away. You have to try to break these ties because as you said you are becoming to dependent on him for emotional support or more.

Good Luck

Ocean

[seeker1950]

You speak the truth, Ocean. I'm good with this now.
Patty

[Ocean13]

I'm glad to hear it! You can write to any of us any time! That's why we're all here! To help fill the void your feeling find something you can do to improve yourself, your life, etc Volunteer work, clubs, etc. You have a lot to give!

Take Care
Ocean

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Ocean!
I'm actually now finishing my MA in Fine Art, to be completed this April with my graduate exhibit.
Thank you for speaking the truth to me!
Love
Patty

[Jaide]

Do you, or do you not, hold feelings for this man? If you do, then you shouldn't hold back on them and just tell him how you really feel, and if he feels the same way, then you can both be happy. I understand that he has a wife, but sometimes sacrifices must be made for happiness. If you love him, then tell him, but if you don't, stop fooling him into thinking you are still into him. You are giving him a false sense of love and he seems confused. If necessary, send him a final email concluding the online relationship between the two of you. You are fooling yourself as well as him if you do not actually love him.

[seeker1950]

Jaide,
Interesting that you posted in my thread about this man, since I had ceased writing about it some time ago. Coincidence, maybe, but I did receive an unsolicted email from him yesterday sayng only that "I still love you and miss you." and a poem attached. Though I had promised myself if I ever heard from him again, I would not respond, having felt shame and anger at the past 10 years of emails between us, I responded immediately to say how happy I was to hear from him, adding that I hoped he and his family were well. I do respect the fact that he is married, and I have always written to him with this as a restraint and respect. He responded only to say that he was going out to lunch, but would write later as he had much to say to me. I have rec'd no further messages. I have learned not to "hold my breath" now regarding communication from him, though, in the past, I've relied on this as a form of emotional fulfillment.
HE"S the one who's married, not me. I do not share with him any kind of romantic love messages because of this.
Patty

[eskielover]

Patty,

Isn't it amazing how hard it is for us to let go of the things that we know are wrong for us in our lives. One little glimmer of hope....just a simple word, & I'm back wondering if I'm being too critical, or doing the right thing by stopping the marriage.

What I have realized is that I have to just make up my mind....come to a final conclusion & just GO WITH IT, knowing that is will be the right thing because I know deep down inside that there is no use trying to keep something going that is a waste of my energy, emotions & my time.

But I know when I come to that final conclusion....I am going to make it & go with it.....sometimes that is just what we have to do.....not look back & not have regrets because it's just the RIGHT thing to do.

I only have guy friends.....& never once would allow myself to get into any romantic situation with them...whether my marriage was happy or rocky at the time or not.....but then again, I am not one that needs romantic relations for fullfillment. I find that when one goes there, they leave themselves open to very dangerous situations & possible very wasted emotions that aren't anywhere close to being reality.

I know that you are getting a fullfillment out of the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't continue it the way you are doing......but you honestly aren't being fair to yourself or his wife, letting him cross over those boundaries with you......I know this is my personal value system & others are quite different, therefore I can not judge what is right for you....I know well how different we look at these things from our past conversations.

This is just something to think about when you allow a married man to get involved with you emotionally & send you emails you telling you he loves you & misses you with a poem.

Debbie

[seeker1950]

Eskie, I feel I should respond to your post, about which I've thought now for a couple of days. It seems we have more of a friendship connection now, and nothing "romantic," since he has related to me about his lovely wife, how she wears the hat I crocheted and sent to her, and brags about her caring for him. I'm happy with that, and just happy to hear from him. Is this wrong? I honestly don't know. Our communication now is just about everyday stuff, our work, the weather, etc., but I felt a great void at not hearing from him in the recent past. We do have a unique connection, but I think now it's just fondness and friendship.
Patty

[eskielover]

Patty,

As I said in my post, I mostly have only guy friends, married & unmarried, so, NO, I don't think it's wrong to just communicate or be happy to hear from him, or any other guy friend.

The thing is that when you have friendships with married guys, you are the one that has to be very very strong & keep them in that friendship place. Your place isn't to give them what they are lacking in a marriage, or what they are just wanting a closeness at the time when they are with you. If it's a kiss on the cheek, that's one thing, but that kind of kissing I'm sure wasn't what make your thinking go off for awhile after being with him.

The problem is boundaries......& without them, you are just letting youself be places wherever someone wants to place you & then you have to figure it all out....or figure yourself out. That is why I keep my boundaries completely solid when it comes to relationships. Sadly, some guys just think it's ok to say they love a woman & kiss them like they really love them in that sense, not in the sense of a brother/sister relationship.

You say you THINK it's just fondness & friendship....if you only think & don't KNOW, that is where the problem lies. With a married person, you should KNOW what YOU will allow the relationship to be. I think that once you KNOW that the relationship is friendship, then it will be ok to continue it, but until you are in control of the relationship, I think you are only letting youself in for what ever rollercoaster he is on with his marriage. Yes, IMHO, I think that's wrong, but as I said, that is only my opinion, based on my belief value system & know that what is right for me, isn't right for others.

Please take care of yourself above all else,
Debbie