Stuck

Who cares what he says or thinks. This person brings NOTHING to the table, isn’t even paying child support. Get the court after him so when he does manage to drag himself out to work he can be garnished.

Thanks everyone. i will continue detaching from him.

he sent me another couple of messages this morning.

"i hope your life is exactly how you dreamt it to be without me in it all those years."

"Actually no. that would mean you were getting exactly what you wanted. So, i hope you huff and puff, be disappointed, dissatisfied, envious of your successful friends, etc. random emoji."

I finally wrote back this evening asking me why he is sending me these messages, is he trying to bait me into defending myself.

he said " i dont care one bit. it was for me."

i said "so you can pretend i did you wrong. and insult me in the process. i don't appreciate you lashing out at me calling me manipulative and being inflammatory. insulting me several times. even talking about [moms pervert husband]."

so far no response and he probably wont say anything to that. too reasonable. too normal.

at least i hope my messages were reasonable? i could block him or tell him to f off but i feel better keeping the line a bit open and clean as possible since we have kids and property.

I tried not to engage, but i had like an ulcer today from his messages. my stomach was burning and i was feeling other bad body feelings. and i was having trouble concentrating. i looked up the body symptoms i was having and it seems like it was fear. i dont want to be afraid of him. i dont want to live my life in fear. i think i have been on edge all weekend from his messages. i had to say something.

He sounds very self absorbed. Guess his relation and access to work didn’t work out for him. He is throwing anger and blame at you. These bouts of anger often don’t make sense and not true.

He is miserable and senses that your life is going just fine, so he is trying to upset you in hopes you’d be just as miserable as him. Some miserable people (those miserable due to their own wrong doings) can’t stand a thought that others might be content and at peace let alone happy..

I recommend you file for divorce or at least legal separation so there would be child support order and he’d have to pay it. It’s not optional to support one’s children. Working also isn’t optional for the majority of us, regular people. You want to eat, you work. He knows you’ll take care of your kids while he’s doing who knows what. He has to be financially responsible for his minor child

he messaged me two different days out of the blue, wishing me well, then hoping i was having a good day. then said he might be getting job back here and he'd be on a plane with a bag.

its so him.

i can hardly comprehend what he was saying to me. he just presented it like he might have job opportunity that he would love to take if its offered. just how it would be a dream for him to be in that particular job environment again. that'd he'd leave behind where he is now for it. immediately. show up empty handed for it.

perplexing.

the perpetual hype of what's good, where he's wanted and needed, the romance, passion, and excitement. his big blind spots.
he's an opportunist.

maybe he has learned he can live apart from us, and thinks he is capable of doing it closer now.

i get sad thinking of him being close. so many difficult times with him. i cant imagine he is better. those months thinking he might behave decent but experiencing his meanness time and time again.

kids wouldn't want to see him. how will he handle that?

likely the job would fall through? but nonetheless its a loud siren that he is willing, wanting to come back here. now i think its just a matter of time.

And he is just expecting to move back in the house?

i don't think so... but he didn't say anything about his living arrangements.

i hope he isnt so off in his mind to think he'd be staying here.

i kind of worried that he was thinking that he ran off and we were mad about that and he'll come back and it will be good again.

When you are married to someone who has addiction problems it’s always going to revolve around their disease/addiction and all their moods that go along with the affects of addiction.

Addicts are manipulative gaslighters always tending on playing the victim.

yeah he gaslights and plays the victim often. aggressively so.
if you do something "bad" to him, he'll get you back threefold.
he got a job here and plans to move back. for the job, not family.
i told him child doesnt want to see him and not to come to the house unless invited. he said thats fine and he'll be there when child is ready
i dont think its about child being ready, child isnt going to magically be ready.
He said he doesnt have to prove anything to me.
he called me and child "you people"
i get it. he was rejected and betrayed and then ignored. he'll just respectfully wait nicely until child comes to him. what a saint!
he probably just doesnt want to be bothered with any of it, as usual.

All the more reason to keep working on yourself and your independence. 😉

Is he still not paying child support?

You’ve come a long way starling, and through no lack of effort. Keep your strength up and don’t change course now! I hope some of those negative feelings begin to dull and that the correctness of your choices become clear and free of doubt.

not since early December. supposedly he will be paying something Friday.

You’d really need to file for it. That’s his responsibility to pay.

Thanks! I have come a long way! Im sure I did the right thing telling him we need to separate and that I want a divorce. i gave him way more leeway than i should have for far too long. i did the right thing telling him that our child wont want to see him.

he has now decided to stay where he is and not move back to this area. so that is a relief.

I am so busy trying to juggle everything here, so i am trying to keep my strength up for that.

What I am seeing happening with you is that you have finally realized that there is NOTHING you can do to change the kind of person your husband is. You are a kind caring person so that’s hard to accept.

i don't know what kind of person he is. my struggle is thinking he needs help, and thinking i'm supposed to help him.

Yes,this is common with a caretaker personality. I met both men and women at Alanon meetings that were tired and struggling with a sense of hopelessness. Along with that a loneliness that I grew to feel for myself.

Usually there is more there than just the alcoholism. Often there is underlying bipolar or borderline or adhd or even trauma to name a couple where the alcohol is used and abused as a form of self medicating.

There are most definitely behaviors that are very similar to NPD within alcohol and even drug use disorders.

This leaves the partner and even child feeling like they are never enough. And that’s the reality.

maybe i'm not really the caretaking type. i just want to "Be good" and "responsible."

i want more time and things for myself and less stress for me. I want my life to be easier. im working too hard somehow.

hes trying to be nice with me. thats fine but i'm not buying it.

ugh now he just said he is maybe coming back for that job again.

Right now many are struggling because of inflation. Please know you are not alone with the feeling you are working too hard.

When a partner has addiction problems the addict is constantly looking for that high/feed. This mentality is very narcissistic and leaves a partner and children feeling like they are never enough.

Never enough validation, never enough drama, never thin enough or happy enough or even being a lifetime student or a workaholic So many kinds of addictions.

This type of person tends to leave partners and children feeling like they are not worthy or good enough. That is not the case, instead the problem lies within the person who forms some kind of addiction.

Remember, it's not your job to save or help him. He has to help himself. His life is 100% his responsibility - especially now that you've separated and will divorce. You're not obligated to him, yet he is obligated to pay you child support.

yes, true. and an addict will turn it around saying they're not good enough for you and your expectations are too high, too controlling, etc.

thank you!