Stuck

I’ve communicated with him about having a healthy home environment, healthy financial choices, appropriate parenting, and monitoring his mood safety wise. I’ve also talked to him about my boundaries. I try to do this in love. he does not respond in any meaningful way when I communicate with him.

I see recently he is trying to be more thoughtful and invested. I’ve been telling him we need to separate if he doesn’t commit to healthier choices. I’m not sure that has made any difference, but now that he is aware his daughter has lost confidence in him, I think he cares some.

My take is that he doesn’t understand me because we think so differently and he isn’t good at putting himself in others shoes.

He does not care.

Focus is still on him. You cannot change other people

Your story has been on my mind since you began posting it. It was my story almost exactly. So close in fact, I worried it would trigger a ptsd flashback. It hasn't which to me means I'm healing and I'm in a much healthier and happier place now than I would have been if I stayed. And it validates for me all the work and effort I've put into healing my own wounds.

I've been divorced 10 years. My children are happier and healthier too. As a mom, the best gift I ever gave my children was the space and distance they needed to become the healthy, happy and strong people they are now.

I still remember the moment when I no longer felt stuck and stopped rationalizing the choices and options. I was so tired of maintaining dysfunction and patching together tiny bits of hope. In the end, there were more stitches than bits of hope, more dysfunction, eggshells and triggers than safe spaces. I decided why I was being abused no longer mattered. The fact that I was being abused needed to be addressed first. That one tiny change in my thinking saved me and my children.

I pulled out of traffic on my way to work and into the parking lot of an attorneys office. I called the phone number on the sign and made an appointment. I do not regret choosing myself.

I wish you and your children happiness. All the best to you.

I don't understand why people stay for the sake of a man when a vulnerable child's well-being is at risk and said child spoke out.

Abuse should not be tolerated, especially when a child is involved.

Loving a man ought never to take precedence over care for a child.

Thank you rollercoasterlover. That’s great you have healed. Thank you for reaching out to me.
The word abuse is standing out to me in these last few posts from everyone. I don’t think I’ve completely accepted that word and that has been a roadblock for me. I need to accept it.

It’s not about my love for him even though I say love is there.

Then what is it about specifically? Can you elaborate?

My thoughts and feelings were love ideas, for example “can’t turn my back on” him, marriage vows-sickness and health, family, and so on. Ive realized now those are my “values” and I can’t just superimpose them on the situation. I can easily say I love him, but I know this dynamic is something else.

I want to be honest with myself about how I feel, but that’s exactly opposite of what I’ve been doing about many things for a very long time, if not my entire life. I’ve had to overcome a lot of brainwashing as-is. I’m working hard.

Something that used to persuade me, “he loves you so much.” “I love you madly.”

Also, worrying that he’ll harm himself for the last few years. It’s hard to turn that off. It complicates my thinking and feeling. it’s changed how I feel but I haven’t paid a lot of thoughtful attention to the difference.

He will do what he will do regardless of your actions. What he does is called emotional blackmail and manipulation if he threatens to harm himself. You however have no control over what he does or does not do. In fact by enabling him you possibly making it harder for him to ever get better. He has no good reasons to ever be better.

Thing is, he cannot be your responsibility. And like divine said, if he's threatened to harm himself if you leave, that's emotional blackmail to get you to stay.

De-conditioning your own beliefs and your outlook is necessary and does help in terms of acceptance. It helps also if you can see and face this as being abuse. I know you wrote earlier that it's been hard to accept this as abuse, or hard to face it. I know that feeling. One never wants to think that they are putting up with or dealing with abuse.

The other thing is, if you're hoping that somehow magically one day he will "get it" after hearing you voice your concerns, that day will never come. He has to make drastic behavioral changes in several big ways. He won't just one day wake up and decide he must treat you with respect at all times. He also has an addiction that takes precedence over everything else. And he has a history of getting fired from most jobs.

The questions you have to ask yourself: how long are you willing to put up with it, and where are the lines drawn?

Also, you have to ask yourself and confront: do I deserve better than this?!? Many women feel they do not deserve better, so they stay in an abusive relationship. But an important component to both realizing that you ARE in fact being abused and to facing this reality, is to also embrace the idea that you do not deserve that kind of disrespect and disregard, and that you deserve far more and far better. This is a crucial step forward that one takes when in an abusive situation, that helps one to un-stick oneself. Once you realize and fully own that you DO IN FACT deserve better, it's far easier to make a decision to leave.

Of course, that's how he manipulates you so as to keep you captive. By staying you are not helping him (this is not support), you are merely enabling him to continue doing as he pleases. And you deprive him of a chance to seek help. (if he has everything he needs and gets his own way, why would he ever change?!)

At the end of the day, he is an adult, a grown-man whose actions are his own. You are not responsible for his actions. He knows how to 'play' you.

Just like the wedding vows you mention (better or worse, sickness or health): IF someone refuses to get help and continues abusing their partner and a young child, you think vows still take precedence?! Staying in abusive situations is not healthy for anyone (let alone the young child).

There comes a point where you need to weight carefully whether the 'shoulds' (should stay, should uphold vows) outweigh the costs to you and your daughter.

It's like someone drowning, you think you are helping but they are dragging you down. So you all drown together?! You have to save yourself if the other will not take responsibility for their own life... and worse, if they are dragging you and their child along.

Lots of folks here have strong opinions on what you “should” or “shouldn’t do” starlingflock..
None of us here understand your life and it’s intricacies, and are ourselves biased as to the direction you should take maybe due to our lived experiences.
I hope you find your answer starlingflock, because none of us can make choices for you

In the meantime we will offer support and share our stories and thoughts.

No one here is providing directions. The OP is in an abusive situation, a situation that many here can relate to. Those who have been there and done that know that most abusers don’t change, at least not without intensive long term therapy. People here are simply just encouraging the OP to take care of herself and to watch out for her own well being. Often times this means having to leave the abusive situation.

Thank you reptileinyourhead. I appreciate your kindness. I appreciate everyone’s advice, and I have tried to remember that everyone will have biases. I understand people wanting to be blunt with me, thinking I need a push. I say I’m stuck after all. But I guess the root hasn’t been pulled at yet.
I didn’t want to be defensive or emotional, so I had to sit awhile with some things. The self harm issue is difficult. It’s a sensitive subject. I don’t believe my husband uses that against me, or to gain something. It’s a big struggle for him and has nothing to with me, except all the worry I felt about it. It’s his thing and he tries to conceal it.

@Starlingflock, when you say the root hasn't been pulled at yet, what do you mean? Just trying to understand your perspective and words here.

I do know one thing: we cannot leave a bad situation, even if it's harming us, unless we are fully ready to leave and despite what anyone else may say about it being harmful. A person has to come to their own conclusions about staying or leaving, and on one else can make that decision. It's entirely up to you. And sometimes, it can take a very long time before one decides it's time to leave.... and, often people stay, for whatever reason, hoping it will get better. Sometimes it does get better, and often times, not. In life, we just need to try to make the best decisions we can for ourselves, with the information we have at hand. Big life decisions like this one are never easy.

I do understand not wanting or not being able to leave. I’d just stop trying to figure out how to make him into a man he is not.

I think I understand this. I think you are saying the thing holding you in your marriage be it a specific emotion, function, purpose or personal belief, is still there for you. And whatever it is that will change what's holding you there hasn't been broken.

Only you know will know if the root of things will loosen. From my own experience, it's hard sometimes to know what's holding things together. I have no regrets about my choices for myself and you deserve to have no regrets about the choices you make for you.

My only small regret is how long I struggled to make my choices. I think that's common though because in the moment when I made those choices, I wasn't able to make the choice before I did. I too had to wait for the root to be loose enough for me to uproot things.

All the best to you and your family.

Thank you for the kindness everyone.
Thank you rollercoasterlover, yes that is what I meant.

I feel like there is something I have to work through. Or yes, to define the line.

To be clear, my daughter has been feeling better for awhile. She worked through anger and it didn’t last long. There is a better balance in the house than there was before. Still, not proper.

Him and I are not on the same page.

“Knowing my husband was unwell stopped me from leaving. Even when he acted abusively, I felt guilty.”

“Leaving a spouse with a mental illness is a difficult and drastic measure. Before taking this step, the individual should consider whether they’ve done everything they can to give their partner the support they need to seek help.”

“Ending a relationship is never easy, but leaving someone with a mental illness is especially difficult. The individual may feel guilty about not being able to help their spouse get the help they need or overcome their condition. They may feel guilt that they no longer want to stay in the relationship “for better or worse,” and they may also feel guilt when considering whether ending the relationship will make their loved one’s condition worse.
While pushing these feelings aside is much easier said than done, it’s important to remember that this type of guilt isn’t constructive. If the individual took every reasonable step to help their loved one get the help they need but their efforts were unsuccessful, and if they, with the help of a mental healthcare professional, decided that leaving is best, then it’s important for them to accept the situation and move forward.”

Those are quotes from different sites that explain some of my feelings.
Trying to have compassion for myself today. Ive felt pretty beat up about “not doing anything.” Especially when I feel like I’ve been working so hard. Ive been feeling some anger towards myself, and him.
I was just doing some reading on Nami. I think I’ve read it before, and have been living by it. How To Love Someone With A Mental Illness | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
See how conflicting things can be?

I’ve been feeling very depressed for awhile. Im frustrated about the position I’m in. I can’t control it, I can’t easily walk away from it and I can’t fix it. No matter what I do, either I will lose a lot of I’ve worked for, or I will feel like someone else’s “needs” come first. No matter what I’d do, there will be a lot of guilt and shame thrown towards me. I think I’ve already explained that I am very affected by shaming. I need help with that. I haven’t made it far enough working through shame.

This is perfectly stated.

Starlingflock - I wish I had the right words to say. I relate to your story so much. I too am stuck where I am at with my husband. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice but I can relate. Hugs.