I dont understand why he had so much contempt towards me

If a man was interested, he’d not be “hinting” to anything. He’d do more than useless talk. There was nothing genuine in his interest or rather lack of it.

They didn’t even get to know each other in these phone talks because he turned out to be a jerk. So didn’t even get to know him in 13 phone calls. Spending years repeatedly calling a virtual stranger who either ignores you or is rude to you is a waste of time. That’s not what happens if a guy is interested.

My daughter met her husband before pandemics. Not only they got married, they bought a house, and they just had their first child. Few years is a very long time. OP could meet a nice guy in a meanwhile if she didn’t waste her time trying to get a man who isn’t interested.

It does happen. Dysfunctional guys don’t like to make arguments so they create a situation where woman finally leaves. Think about it. She keeps calling a guy and sending messages and he ignores her. But she doesn’t give up. Keeps calling. He finally answers and is rude. Now she won’t call anymore. Dysfunctional way to send a message to leave him alone but sadly not uncommon. He had to be direct from the beginning

No i dont buy that.
He is not the type who will have qualms about blocking and deleting someone if he wants.
You guys are making out like I kept calling himm i called him twice and in between a few months went by. That isn't the definition of chasing someone.
He not only asked me out that time for coffee via videochat...but before that multiple times..and even said once im treating him like an option as well as the usual texting buddy pen pal rubbish.
Someone who wasn't interested at all even a tiny bit would have cut it off a long time ago.
Not be speaking to someone for hours on the phone.
From my own experience the men I've had no interest in at all, i would not speak to them for hours on end over and over again and in between mention us to meet. I wouldn't have that desire to talk about a meeting with them at all.
If anything all the guys im not interested in i tell them straight away...at most within a few months..that has been the longest period of time. To suggest that a man who isnt interested at all will let it go on this long..whilst showing positive signs of wanting to meet. Is ludicrous to me
That last phonecall was over two hours long. Im sure even then to tell someone you're not interested should surely not take that long.
Doesnt make any sense.
I just got the sense he was trying to make me feel bad on purpose i.e all the i have better than you etc...like the way he was talking and what he was saying it ws like those immature people who have felt rejected by a person and then their ego gets bruised and then they try and get back at the person. That is the way i felt he was speaking to me. Like beneath the anger he had hurt feelings for whtever reason.
He even comes out with i give him a headache and he can't marry me or be with me because of that.

Dear bananamist,
In your latest post you said he was very much interested in you,I get that.you said he felt rejected. Did he felt rejected by you ? I mean how? Can you elaborate on that ?He felt rejected and hurt by you and then got back or lashed at you in anger??Did I get that right?

You two never actually met in person, correct? This is an awful lot of agony and analysis over someone you've never met. The guy behaved very poorly in the end. As to why? Who knows? But it seems to me that you were not that interested in him at first and not for a while. And then slowly, you started to show greater interest, yet there was a great delay between saying you want to meet up and actually trying to plan to meet up. It seems that's when he started to show less interest. He likely thought you were just stringing him along and behaved immaturely in the end. Yes, it's possible that he felt rejected.

But honestly, so much agony over someone you've never met in person before is too much wasted time. The guy behaved like a true a-hole in the end, and really, that's all you need to know at this point.

It's very difficult to explain. The way I see it is why would someone say they have better ( even if they have better). It's like he was trying to get back at me, that's the sense I got. He was overly angry, but over what, I can't see it as anything other than I hurt his feelings or his ego and so his anger took over, rather than him explaining
that. Unless he's a complete sociopath of course.
He came out with "you know ive rejected people better than you right". As if he's the bees knees. It's the way an immature man would respond to a perceived rejection by someone.
Either way he was showing insecurity big time.
In my view someone who was never interested would have just said so a long long time back, rather than let it get to that point. And would have ended it in a polite way and not in the aggressive and angry manner that he did.
Personally if i don't see someone in a romantic way at all, and there have been guys who have pursued, I tend to tell them no rather than talk about wanting to settle down and how im serious about having a relationship with someone. I wouldn't even mention it in the first place because I wouldn't want to put that idea ij someones mind who i dont see in that way. He took it one step further by always saying we should meet etc. It's just strange to me.

Also it was like he was trying to really have that serious type of conversation, by asking me continuously how comes I called him. Because we've had so many conversations where we don't actually talk about our situation, more like about our lives and other things going on etc.. He could have easily avoided it if he wanted and simply blocked me later on his own or whatever.
He asked me when am i going to settle down and i responded with "when I find someone suitable". To which he responded sounds fair enough. So he seemed fine with that. As soon as I asked him back he said hes got something in the pipeline. I think i asked in a curious way, like who and what etc and he told me he doesn't want to jinx it. I cant prove it, but it came across like he was trying to show off to me that he had someone else. It's just the way he was talking about it.

So anyway about 5 minutes after that he went mad and started snapping at me, saying he doesn't care about me ( he said it about 6 or 7 times) and all the rest and he had better and that's why he never called me and the " I've rejected better people than you before". Then saying im going to be worthless in a few years as i get older. When I told him when i go out I always have men who try to chat me up, he even got mad at that and called me a sl u tt, then made the point of saying he doesn't care anyway. Then telling me to shut the f up because i was apparently talking over him, then saying " i couldnt marry you you give me a headache". Also saying speaking to me is such a drag and how the conversation flows with other women so much better. Its like he wss trying to find everything he could to fault me and let me know why he doesn't want me. He had no problem whatsoever speaking to me for hours on end before though, plenty of times he was happily talking away to me about his life and his family and his work, never had an issue then. Now all of a sudden im a drag. He was just full of bravado. My point is why go into all that, if hes genuinely found other options and found better people and is happy, why be so angry at me for and start calling me names. That's the part I found odd. Again i refer back to myself, if id found someone hypothetically and an old flame calls me up, id tell them I'd found someone else and wish them luck, not start going into some angry rant about how I've rejected people better than him and how worthless he is etc..

Have you considered that he took what you said differently than you intended? If I was talking to someone as long as you were and when told "when I find someone suitable", I would take that to mean you hadn't found someone suitable, and that included me. You may not have meant it the way he took it, but you also don't get to tell someone else how to feel about you or your words.

Your defense mechanisms are different than his. His personal defense mechanisms jumped into action and he began tossing out all manner of insulting comments to push you away. It's never easy to be rejected by someone. People react in all different ways that are different from our own.

It isn't my intention to sound harsh. You asked honest questions and I'm giving my honest thoughts in return. I hope you work through your feelings and find peace for yourself.

I've never found it all that helpful to try to read other people's minds. It's not possible to do.

The point I was trying to make is that you were the one who kept initiating contact and chasing him when he had stopped responding and showed a clear lack of interest. This pattern repeated itself over and over. Worse, he treated you appallingly and you still stayed.

Yet, you were surprised when he told you he had something developing with someone else. He had made it very clear from the beginning that he was not interested. And at the first sign of abuse, you ought to have cut him off.

I don't even know if i believe him at that point.
Why pick up the phone and speak to someone for over two houurs, when you apparently have something in the pipeline.
Not believable

I think some people are sadly capable of all kinds of behaviour, including duplicity and cruelty. I’m sad he talked in this way to you, because there are far, far kinder ways to end a relationship (even if it wasn’t a fully developed relationship as others have pointed out).

How are you feeling about this now?

Like i said i only called twice. And each time he spoke to me for a few hours.
He went a little cold after our video chat when i got back to him after a few weeks...

About three or four months went following that and I called only to see what's up and ask what happened regarding the meeting.

As prior to all that he was the one who repeatedly kept saying he wants to settle down etc Continuously implying im not a serious person.

As i said in another post if im not interested in a person i wouldnt tell them im interested in settling down as i wouldnt want to put that idea in their minds. If anything i would say im not looking for anything serious

Thank you.
I felt as if he was triggered in between whilst we were speaking. Perhaps it was something i said to him which got him really angry. As at the start of the conversation he was pleasant enough, he even said he appreciates me calling him. Because he asked how comes i called, as we hadnt spoken in a while and i told him just to check up on him and he said he appreciates it.
Then afterwards he got aggressive.
Im feeling ok. Still puzzled with his actions. But im not upset or anything.

I would say while it’s possible you may have inadvertently said something he didn’t like it’s still his responsibility how he reacts. He chose to talk to you as he did. We all make choices as adults, only children have the excuse of reacting without thought. I’m glad you’re not upset!

Dear banana mist,I am little confused here.You said you called him to follow up on that coffee meet,and then in reply to another poster you said when asked by the guy why did you call after a long time,you answered...just checking upon him.I am puzzled here,did you actually say hey I called because I think we should meet for coffee this weekend or end of this month or tomorrow ? something along those lines.It is really confusing to me you wanted to talk about the coffee date,you called him,and when after exchange of pleasantries when questioned by the guy,why did you call you say just checking upon you?? If you did not say anything that hints towards you being interested in a coffee date,I suppose you expect one to translate your 'just checking upon you' into' hey let's meet for coffee tomorrow.'

Another question to banana mist,if you do not mind sharing since we are all anonymous here on this forum ,you said that guy is insecure.My question is what does this guy do precisely, careerwise.I mean what job or profession?
Being jobless or not being financially secure can make a person insecure.Is this true with this guy? That is why I asked what does he do?

It seems like an extravagant amount of time spent on figuring out motives of someone you have never met. There is no way to get the answers to that. There are no answers. You can’t get inside his head. You don’t know him. But even if you knew him. It’s a waste of time trying to figure out why other people do what they do or looking for deep secret meanings in things people say.

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Originally Posted by Bananamist5 I don't even know if i believe him at that point. Why pick up the phone and speak to someone for over two houurs, when you apparently have something in the pipeline. Not believable

Does it matter whether it is believable or not? If he REALLY wanted a relationship with you he wouldn't have said it whether true or not. People behave in strange ways especially if they are dysfunctional in the first place. Wasting time analyzing someone who ended up not interested in you in the long run for WHATEVER REASON is the only bottom line that really matters to your life....everything else is a waste of your time because even if he were to tell you a reason, could you really believe it or not. Neither of you made a good effort to make this into a relationship. Both are a party to it not working out. When that happens, there is usually a gut feeling that was there in the first place. Just drop it & go on with your life

Yeah you're right I've not always been forthright.
On the phone during our conversations i don't show signals of interest in terms of moving things forward. During the time period where he asked to meet then disappeared, when i texted him i did apologise for taking some time to get back to him regarding our meeting and said we should go for the coffee he suggested i think that's the only time i said anything. The calls after i didnt mention what had happened and why he did what he did.

Hes fine with regards to his job and career. He is in law enforcement.
I feel like he always needs to be in control and has ego issues which to me suggests insecurity deep down.

Thanks.
Yes the first thing that crossed my mind was his anger came about all of a sudden, therefore something must have provoked him into having an angry reaction. Something I said. So that could be one of the things.
The talk about him apparently finding someone and me saying ill settle down when i find someone suitable happened iust before he went crazy. Was the only things i could think of really.

So after the video chat where he asked to meet me ( end of last year), nearly three weeks following i called to arrange it properly. He purposely rejected my calls. I then sent a lengthy text where i apologised saying sorry i was a little busy and we should catch up and get coffee like he wanted. He ignored.

The last call we had where he went nuts ( about three weeks ago now), i didnt talk about us meeting at all. Didnt mention it. He asked then why it is i called and i said just to check in. And he told me thanks and he appreciates it.

Not long after the anger and aggression started.

Thank you on elaborating that.You do have an insight into why he snapped suddenly.I do agree with you.Something might be already brewing in his mind when you called three weeks ago.Can be work issue causing him stress and your statement sort of became the straw that broke the camel's back,so to speak.I am glad you are not upset.I wish you luck in finding the right guy so that you can move on.

I think it’s rather interesting that even though he said he doesn’t care about you 6-7 times, told you to shut the f up and called you horrible names, you stayed on the phone. Honestly rather than focusing on why he was so nasty (no way to find an answer) maybe it’s time to focus on why would you stay on the phone with the person you don’t even know while they cuss you out, call you bad names and show total disregard for you. I think finding answers to why you have no self respect and allow such blatant disrespect rather than focusing on him.

Quote:

I wish you luck in finding the right guy so that you can move on.

HMMMM, moving on has nothing to do with finding the right guy. It has everything to do with learning from a bad experience & moving on with your own life. It is always nice if you can find the right guy to share life with but that does not make or break one's moving on with life after a bad experience