I dont understand why he had so much contempt towards me

See you again said...the abuse and aggression I only witnessed in the last conversation. How does this sentence means you have seen red flags all along in his words and behaviors that you suspected him tobe a sociopath all along.A lot of times again and again you mentioned ,he was flirty,jovial in all the conversations except the last one.You even stated he was pleasant for some time during that call.He was rude towards the end of the call.So my question is how is he a sociopath ? You said you were into psychology,then you must know it is a serious label to give .Right?

According to you,a person talks on phone flirting with you,cracking jokes for hours at a time,for years.You guys talk about work ,world problems and weather for hours.Oh,I forgot,guy also taks about wanting to go grab a coffee with you again and again.And then on one fine morning that call happens where you call for a follow up, but don't mention anything about coffee ,talk again about weather,world problems and the guy is pleasant for some time then suddenly snaps.You wait and listen until the storm calms down. And you give him the label ...Sociopath.Wow.

You seem to find a lot of deep meaning in random things this stranger said in the mindless chit chat. It’s very unusual that you are so into a man you have never even met, and you are into him for years! Most people would long moved on. I really hope that you lose his number and stop worrying about him. I wish you the best

You mentioned talking with a new guy on app.Hope it's going well.

Me too! Hopefully this is a better prospect!

He may not be. But then again im not ruling it out either.

I've seen very subtle signs of things he does and says. The last conversation where he blew up, that was very extreme, his treatment of me. And for what. Obviously id nott seen him go into a rage like this before, is what i meant. But doesn't mean he was perfect other times.

The last call we had, he was talking about his work in general and how some women may be talking too much but he can quickly shut them up by using his authority and power. Then he very randomly said to me he will slam me against the wall and push me down against the ground. I have no idea the meaning behind that, but i just took it as his weird way of flirting in the end. He also said i was continually undermining him, which i dont remember doing. Oh lets not forget how when we first started that video call he stuck his middle finger up at me, as i said something ( can't remember exactly what it was). Im not even a particularly rude or outspoken person most of the time, so the stuff he was coming out with was strange. If i ever told him good things about myself, for example an achievement, he would be quick to shut it down as if its nothing special. But if it was him he would probably go on about it and show how amazing he thinks he is.

Anyway i could go on and on, but you just pick up things when you speak to someone often. Things which may seem off but you tell yourself they're not anything that bad to cut them off completely.

It's early days. He seems polite enough. But they all do at the beginning. He wants to speak to me on the phone, so ill see what happens

There were warning signs about this guy that you dismissed or did not see. No one who is normal and healthy says they will slam you against the wall, or put their middle finger up at you while you're speaking to them. He also said you're undermining him and that he can shut women at work up using his authority and power? These are all glaring red flags of an abuser, not signs of flirtation.

Be very careful and perhaps study up on healthy communication vs. unhealthy communication and toxic/abusive traits vs. healthy traits. Perhaps see a therapist about how to spot a toxic/abusive person.

At the first signs of red flags is when you must walk away from someone, not months and months later. You can save yourself from a whole lot of heartache and pain this way.

I hope things go well for you. It seems that you got lucky that this relationship didn't work out. Just remember actions speak louder than words. No one can read minds, so be honest and communicate openly with new people.

Good luck.

There might be some books to read on signs of healthy versus unhealthy and potentially dangerous situations. Also good therapist could help with that.

Sometimes for whatever crazy reason young girls learn that if boys is hitting or pushing or calling girls names it’s because he likes them. Wrong! Then these girls grow into women who dismiss abusive words and actions and call it flirting. No one healthy would threaten violence or stick middle finger at women or at anyone for that matter. He also sounds mysoginistic (women talk too much?). The guy is potentially dangerous.

Luckily you dodged the bullet. Be very careful and pay attention what they see and do. Don’t look for secret meanings. What you see is what you get. They don’t call you and don’t pick up the phone when you call: they are not interested, no other secret meanings. They tell you they like to be violent with you: they aren’t flirting and they aren’t joking either.

Be safe

It doesn't make any sense that you call him to invite for coffee date,after hearing guy wants to slam you against the wall and pin you down on the ground and shows middle finger.Uses some derogatory towards women at his work place.Remember it was you that called him.Why??
What else you were expecting from the guy,while he was showing you his real self all along.It is very interesting you said it was his way for flirting some where along the lines.In one of the post you explained away his anger.You said you wouldn't be talking for that long if you weren't interested in the guy..So I gather you were still interested that is why you called him.Were you gonna move in?Or let the guy move in with you? If he Did not rage on that day,were you gonna consider him as a potential long term partner..?You come across like a woman who is willing to take a lot of abuse before deciding to dump the guy.I think you seriously need to look in,rather than looking out.

I think the younger generation tend to stick their middle fingers up sometimes, like trying to be funny or like with their mates..especially younger men. Not that it's right what he did.
I didnt explain properly but he basically gave an example of a woman objecting and kicking up a fuss ( as hes in law enforcement) , so then he said he can quickly quiet her by sticking the cuffs on her. Something along those lines.
He also said "what would you do if i followed you". I said i would call the cops. I think he was just giving me a scenario i guess to see how I respond.
He then said they wont come theyve got more important things to attend to..such as knife crime etc. Basically trying to say someone following me isnt a big deal.. then he proceeded to say has it happened before. I said actually it has, some man in the past did attempt to follow me. He asked how long it was for. I said probably about 10 minutes or so. He said i wouldnt bother i would give up long before then.
The strangest conversations 😂.
He also was making fun out of me saying i coulx be his coffee table. Since there's like a height difference.
And another thing he asked me if i would invite him round to have a movie night. As i was tellin him i may end up getting my own place independently.
The whole chat was very random anyway

He’s 31. Not 14. I know a lot of 30 something year olds. I can ensure you they don’t go around sticking middle fingers at a lady they consider to be a potential date or even at anyone they’d even remotely respect. And no one jokes discussing violence with someone they are interested in. Not at 31

Is this your first dating experience? First attempt at a relationship? If not, what kind of dates you had before that this behavior doesn’t gross you out? Do you live with family? Are you a minor?

OP mentioned she is around the same age as the guy in her first post.So I am guessing she too is 30+.

( in the paragraph where she mentions how the guy now wanted to date women 5 years younger than her.)

@Bananamist5, I think you are coming up with excuses for this man for his bad behaviors, and I think you accepted far too much from him that is unacceptable treatment and behavior. I would take a step back from dating and get a reality check on yourself before proceeding any further. You have a lot to learn about healthy vs unhealthy boundaries, healthy vs unhealthy communication styles and healthy vs unhealthy personality traits before you venture any further in the dating realm. At this rate, you will end up with a man who treats you like total crap and you will get severely hurt if you do not wisen up and become stronger with your own boundaries. You sound naive when you say that you interpreted his statement that he would throw you against a wall, or whatever he said, and you thought that was his way of flirting. You've got to wisen up here. That was a red flag showing potential violence towards women, and potentially, towards YOU.

Sounds like you are great and maybe you just need to meet more men to find perfect one