I am hurt and not sure what to do

I've been seeing this guy for 2 months. I've been happy. He's a nice person. He's smart. We are attracted to each other. He's shown consistent interest. He's accepting of my disability. I really like when we talk about deep stuff together, but we don't always. But there's also things I'm unhappy about. Sometimes I feel nervous around him and I don't know why. Sometimes I don't feel like we connect. He sometimes makes jokes that hurt my feelings. Its happened quite a bit. Small things. Like laughing at me about stuff. I've always expressed my upset, when he's done this, and he's always been apologetic.


Also I do think there are parts of this guy that are not compatible with me and my lived experiences - I have major anxiety and am sensitive and insecure and have trauma from emotional abuse. He stares at me a lot. I hate it. That has gotten better as we've gotten more comfortable with each other. He has 2 adult daughters and he has told them that I am nervous to meet them. It has then made it so much more harder for me to make the trip to actually go to meet them, knowing that they have that knowledge. I feel humiliated. So, so far I haven't gone to visit him yet, he just comes to visit me. I was going to, this weekend, but on Monday I broke down about it. I was really freaking out. He didn't know what to say or how to help. He expressed he's been trying to be mindful of future non-disclosures about me to them, and he said he just said it as a fact, like he wasn't trying to be malicious, and I think he was trying to say it wasn't a big deal for anyone to know that about me, but I'm not sure, since it wasn't specifically said. In the end, he's been saying he wants me to come visit when I'm ready. To me, there's an emotional safety factor that I'm not sure is there re coming to visit.


Last night on the phone, we were joking around. He's going to visit his daughter in Hawaii (she's moving there) at some point. I made a joke about pics he could send me, including a pic of his **** with a lei around it. (Lol, we are weird). He ended up saying his **** was going to get laid in Hawaii. It made me feel terrible. I don't know why I did this, but I went along with the joke - I think I just didn't want to come off as jealous. Then he said that he wasn't going to get laid in hawaii, unless I was coming with him. I mean, nice save, but his comment already made me feel so terrible. Then later, I started asking him in a flirty way if he wanted me. He didn't say anything back. He admitted he was doing terribly, like in a joking way, and that made me feel bad too.


I don't know if this is small stuff. I just.........I wasn't expecting to meet anyone. And it is seeming like more often, I feel hurt by him. It wasn't something I noticed before. But I've cried at least 5 times now bc of something he's said, or done. Like, from the beginning. I don't want that. I was happy single. I was...secure when I was single. I felt free.


We haven't talked about his joke yet. Maybe he isn't happy with us. Sometimes, I'm not happy with us. I'm kind of scared to bring it it up to him. I'm always bringing stuff up to him that I'm upset about, it seems like. I know I'm insecure. And to anyone who responds, please do not judge me for that.


I do wonder if I need to take a step back from this. There have been times I've wanted to break up - like the time I learned he'd told his daughters about my anxiety. This time, when I say take a step back, I mean just...stop moving so fast. But I am also now feeling this kind of.......anger towards him. Like this low level simmering pissed feeling.


This might not work out. It hurts. But yeah.


There is a part of me that wonders, that even though he's a good person, maybe he isn't the right fit for me. Maybe no one is.


I keep seeing these memes on facebook with messages like "Pay attention to how your nervous system responds to people" and "If you get that gut feeling that something isn't right about a person or situation, trust it." He is a good guy, not a bad guy. But maybe that's not enough. I don't know.


I think its also important for me to say...its possible I need more to do and maybe...I'm not engaged enough mentally, and focused on this crap instead. But I think it's crap that is real. I'm just wondering if my mental health may be tied up in my relationships, so to speak. I don't know.


With responses here, I am looking for validation - validation doesn't mean you have to agree with me. But I need kindness. I am looking for outside perspective, in a kind / nice way. I don't know if this is small stuff, or big stuff. It feels big. It feels really big. Maybe that is what matters. How *I* feel. I just...it's also important for me to say that I don't consistently feel one way or another about him. I'm not consistently dissatisfied with him. Often I really like him. Part of me isn't sure I should do anything until I am more unhappy more often. At the same time, he was here last weekend, and I was having these thoughts of like..."maybe this won't work out." (Sometimes I feel so disconnected from him). I think I've had those thoughts throughout our time together more than I'd like to admit. I remember early on saying to my Mom that I think this thing has a "stopping point," so to speak.

But I also don't want to bring another thing up to him that I'm hurt by, and push him away.


I'm pretty conflicted right now.

Maybe it's ok to enjoy this relationship for a while, knowing that it's not the one you look forward to (which may be in your future, not long from now.) And you both can learn things about yourselves.

That is really beautiful. Thank you for the validation and wisdom.

I really admire this post, it's so articulate, so full of reflection and emotional insight.

Hesitation is a valid response/action.

To hesitate, though, does mean living with, tolerating, uncertainty. How is that going for you?

This is important. Can you say more about this anger?

To me, this type of thing--especially laughing at you--should be happening less and less, approaching zero, quickly.

Same comment.

It's good that he can apologize and self-correct after being asked to. But at some point you might ask yourself "How long do I have to spend getting hurt frequently and then apologized to? When does he learn how to not hurt me so much?"

How free do you feel in the relationship?

((((((((WovenGalaxy))))))))

Bill thank you so much for your response. I will respond later when I am able to.

@Bill3 you said that to hesitate is to live with uncertainty. Do you mean hesitating about moving forward with the guy I'm seeing? It does feel uncertain. But I'm okay. I'm scared. Of if I break up with him, I will miss him, want him back, and then get burned. But BreakingDawn was so wise in what she said, and it gave me some strength. I also don't feel like I need to figure this out today. Even though at some times, I want to. I haven't talked to him about any of this. (I feel like I'm always talking to him about how he makes me feel bad and I'm sick of it). I'm sure we will talk later though. Let me know if you meant something different, Bill.

Can I say more about my anger towards him? Yes. I don't feel safe. With him. Emotionally. I don't trust him to make me feel at ease in front of his daughter if I do go visit him. I feel angry that he has said very hurtful things to me in jest. They may seem small to some. It's not, to me. His comment about Hawaii hurt me a lot. He knows I am insecure. But he still said it. I entertained the idea of breaking up with him today. It felt good. I do not feel like myself anymore. I feel cringey all the time. Even alone. It's weird.

Side note: I have told my Mom many times how much I like him. That I have a total crush. That I feel love. Though now I'm not sure that's what it is. But it's like...there are sides to this. More than one facet.

His laughing at me: I really think he's a bit emotionally stupid. It's nothing mean spirited. But like an example would be that I was telling him about my grandma, but that she was dead. And I said it kind of funny and he laughed. I really loved my grandma. Once he called me lame in front of his daughter. It hurt. It was weird.

Side note: I'm not sure I want to be a part of his daughter's lives. I know that sounds bad but I just....hearing him interact with them, I just know I'd never fit in. It's very uncomfortable for me.

How free do I feel in the relationship? I don't feel free. I don't feel secure. I hate that. I like this guy a lot. Bc we do have good times together. I'm sure that if I were to tell him about how bad his comment made me feel, he would give me a hug and apologize. Also he seems to like me a lot. And I don't know where this insecurity is coming from in me. It's just how I am biologically, maybe, in relationships? I don't know. I do know that in an underlying way, I feel nervous around him. Cringey. I can feel it in certain places in my body. There's an emotional safety that isn't there for ME. He's a good guy but it's like I feel like exposed and not in a good way.

I don't particularly think.....that this is all me. It may be the fit. Of us. In the back of my mind...I weirdly compare him to a character in a book I read recently: the main character was dating this guy. She liked the sex and felt the pressure to be with someone. But their relationship wasn't going to work. They were too different. I think about him and the guy character she was seeing.

I am not going to figure this out today. Probably. But im open to feedback and possible guidance here.

I appreciate iate the feedback you have given, too, btw.

I'm obviously a very stupid person who can't take a joke and is controlling. I feel awful.

Yes, this is what I was getting at: The ability to be in the relationship in the moment, with the conflicted feelings you have, without having to know/decide where the relationship will end up.

It does not seem small to me at all.

Yes, exactly. The possibility of the joke was there, but a person who was a better fit for you in that moment would not have made the joke, they would have let it pass.



Can you say a little more about the multiple facets?

A dancer who is stepping on his partner's feet may not be mean-spirited but he still is causing pain, and needs to improve his footwork.

I'm really sorry these things happened.

I don't think that sounds bad at all. Let me offer a personal example. Suppose I am seeing someone and their family members are all are intense, knowledgeable students of art history. They discuss this topic constantly. I have nothing against that, in fact I admire it, but my reaction upon thinking about meeting them is that I am not going to fit in with these people, I am not going to measure up, I am going to feel intimidated and silenced, I'm not sure I want to be part of that family. Maybe it would work out and everything would be fine, but it would be up to the person I am dating to be aware of my concern, smooth the way, set me at ease.

It sounds like you value feeling free and secure a lot. The guy is fun, but how much can he help you feel free and secure in the relationship?

I agree. You--and all of us--deserve a partner who knows, and who avoids, moves that don't work for us, that bring us anxiety, pain. And if we--any of us--are with someone who has a tendency to make moves that don't work for us, then we are going to feel uncomfortable, insecure in the relationship.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

It’s ok to step back and think about why certain things bother you. I have had to do that myself and it took me a while to figure certain things out.

(((Hugs))). Be kind to yourself.

I'm really sorry that you are hurting.

With regard to the joke, I would like to note that he acknowledged he was doing badly. In other words, it sounds like he accepted your reaction and didn't try to shame you over it. I myself feel the same way: your reaction was your reaction and that reaction was, and is, valid.

Whether or not a person might be considered controlling depends on the needs being expressed.

For example, a person insisting on accommodations to which they are entitled to under the Americans with Disabilities Act is not being controlling.

Due to my family background, I feel very anxious and unsafe when with people who are acting as though obviously drunk. It is not controlling of me to ask of my partner that we avoid situations where that kind of behavior can be expected to arise, or to leave situations where it has arisen.

Nothing that you have ever said on this forum has ever made me think of you as controlling.

I don’t think you’re controlling either. I see this as you caring about the relationship enough to tell him when you feel uncomfortable. I think that’s healthy.

I think you’ve got some good advice on this thread, hoping it’s helpful, I don’t really think I can add to it except one observation…

You wrote about him staring at you, people often do this without even realising when they are attracted to someone. I did it a lot with my husband and I didn’t realise until one day he snapped at me - I just didn’t know how much it irritated him.

Thank you for all your responses Bill. And thank you Open Eyes, I think that's true - that I may need to process some things about my own reactions, by stepping back.
Thanks Discombobulated. My Mom said the same thing - that he probably just likes me lol. I talked to him a bunch of times about it in the beginning. Nothing formal. But that was another thing, he kind of joked about how I didn't like it. It was weird, and again, made me feel uneasy.

I do also really like him. Also I was thinking about this: he may not know how insecure I am. I just know I told him I didn't like it when he talked about celebrities bodies, at one point. I figured from that he may have at least have picked up on it, but maybe not.

Bill, when I say facets, I mean there's parts of me that really like him and enjoy his company and think he is very nice and sweet. There's another part of me that cringes and clams up even just at the thought of him. That can't be good lol. I want to feel expansive with someone, not constricted.

Bill thank you for telling me its his job to pave the way and make me feel comfortable with meeting his daughters. I didn't really know how to "fix" this, and honestly it's not my job or place to. Thanks.

Everyone:

I don't know why it's such a hard decision to make. But I don't have to make it right now.

Ps: Bill, I like your analogy about the dancer.

Thanks!

I don't know what the future holds but I do really like this guy. He also cares and tries. A lot. That matters.

I'm going to ask for this thread to be closed.

Thank you for your guys' support yesterday.

This thread has been closed at the OP's request.