Guy asked me why I'm single made me sad

So this person I haven't talked to in ages asked me "Are you still single I thought you'd be married by now" and it just like reminded me that I'm single and how I long for a boyfriend and want kids one day and now I feel bummed out. Coz I feel like guys don't like me and I will be single forever. I told this guy I liked him a few months ago and I got no reply. Like anyway I don't know why people have to ask me that so that I have to remember that I'm single and no guy likes me. I mean thanks for reminding me about my ****** love life.

I don't think they mean what you think they mean. Its an innocent question, IMO your pov makes it seem like an attack.

I'm really sorry that the guy made that tactless, hurtful comment.

Rude. Some people are just rude. Don’t bother to answer dumb questions

Asking if someone is single is fine. Saying “are you still single, I thought you’d be married by now” is a rude comment. No it’s not how she sees it. It’s how it is. Rude. It’s a universally tactless comment.

I don't mean to hijack your thread with my own feelings and struggles, but I'm in the same exact boat that you're in. I'm 38 years old, still single and with no kids. I don't know why, but no man finds me attractive. I want a husband so bad, but whenever I fall for someone.. they're just not interested in me and I don't know why. The struggles to find a mate in the human world is so damn complicated because I don't understand the rules of dating and romance....What to say, and what not to say... and what to do and what not to do.. I just want to be myself.. not what some relationship therapist on YouTube wants me to do.

anyhow I digress.. Just letting you know that you're not alone I don't know why people ask that question.. I don't think they're trying to be rude or anything. Maybe surprise of your status because they think that you're a good person? Who knows.

I understand how you feel. I've been in your shoes, minus wanting children of my own. I was single until I was 47. I got married late in life and did not find my mate until then.

Never say never - it can happen at any point in your life, meeting the right person. And honestly? I had to meet and kiss a LOT of frogs up until then. I went through the dating scene for years upon years, meeting all the wrong people who did not fit. I also spent a significant amount of time being single.

There's some benefits to being single, like learning to stand on your own two feet at all times, being self sufficient and independent and doing your own thing according to your terms. Enjoy this time.... or try to - because you just never know whom you're going to meet and when, that will turn it all around for you. It did for me, and quite accidentally.

Also, try not to let that person's comment bother you so much. They may not have meant it the way it sounded or the way it came across, and they may have meant it more so as a compliment to you. Like, why hasn't someone snatched you up already, because you're a great catch kind of thing - you know? I know that when people have said similar things to me, that's the way it was intended.

I can also relate to your feelings.

I'm still single at 60+, no kids. For most of my life I've experienced disappointment. A dominating mother who thought she could demand that I produced a grandchild. I wasn't with anyone at the time (age 25). Various family members have their own opinions which, for some strange reason, they never share with me.

I did have a long relationship but that ended. I've stopped wondering if we'd still be together if we'd had kids.

There was a time when I was asked frequently why I'd never married. My stock answer was because I'd never found the right person. The latest put-down has been from my aunt. Her comment, when discussing my male friendships, "problem is you're too clever".

Main thing I learned was to never add pressure, it will either happen or not. It may take until late in life to achieve.

Their is a famous love quote that I admired deeply.

"If a man expects a woman to be an angel in his life, he must first create heaven for her."

Relationships are a 50/50 thing.. I'm willing to create a heaven for a man, but is he willing to do the same for me? Like my situation.. men that I fall for never gave me a chance to create this heaven for them... I do get resentful, however I know the kind of person that I am... and it's their loss if they do not select me to be their queen.

I've been single all of my life. I have given up entirely that marriage or even having a relationship won't happen for me. The thing that stands out the most in being single that makes it bad are remarks other people make. I've heard so much that I've lost count. A lot of those remarks I've heard over the years have been cruel. My sister got married pretty late in life and for a few years after she got married, she could still emphasize for me. But lately that's been gone and she's forgotten.

I think the remark that guy made was off putting; but it's possible he might have meant it in a nice way. I think that I would have probably taken it the wrong way if that happened to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by black-roses So this person I haven't talked to in ages asked me "Are you still single I thought you'd be married by now" and it just like reminded me that I'm single and how I long for a boyfriend and want kids one day and now I feel bummed out. Coz I feel like guys don't like me and I will be single forever. I told this guy I liked him a few months ago and I got no reply. Like anyway I don't know why people have to ask me that so that I have to remember that I'm single and no guy likes me. I mean thanks for reminding me about my ****** love life.

You are supposed to enjoy being single, remember? When you are married, you are supposed hate being married? I will say that being married is far superior to being single yet I wouldn't know it. Grass being greener -- maybe.

If you are feeling sad about it, I want to extend my sorrow for your feelings. When I was single, I used to long for find the one. Once married, I had to kill that sadness manually. It kept going. Now, I live in a constant state of guilt.

Thanks for your message!

The guy's a dope and a jerk. That's a real stupid thing to say to a person.

Wait, I take that back. He wasn't being stupid. He intended to make you uncomfortable.

Here's something I read once: "Guys who are single after age 30 are the bottom of the barrel. Ladies who are single after age 30 are the cream of the crop."

Here's how a lady I know answers that: "I was asked. I just wasn't tempted by the offer."

Where did that reading come from? Being a never married guy myself over 30, I didn't like seeing that - the guys being the "bottom of the barrel" part.

It's an anti-male statement, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. Nothing that generalizes like that can be valid all the time. It's a reaction to the old thinking that men who remain single do so by choice, whereas women who remain single are frustrated rejects whom nobody wanted. I saw it in a women's magazine. Staying single used to be considered a victory for a man, but failure for a woman. This statement was a reaction to that mindset.

It was imagined that a man stayed single, so he could keep "playing the field." The statement I quoted viewed men like that as immature, selfish narcissists. Women who remained single longer were found to have spent more time educating themselves, were able to earn a good livelihood, and had broader interests than "landing a husband." They were more self-reliant than "housewives."

Actually, people are individuals, and each person's story is unique, especially today, when there are more options for how one's life can unfold.

The original poster's complaint was that she was being viewed as a "reject" that no one wanted . . . and she, herself, seemed to view her single status as a failure in life. The quote was a tongue-in-cheek response to that.

Just out of idle curiosity, Will, why do you think you have remained single? Was that your preferred status?

Taking in consideration how many people are utterly miserable in their marriages and don’t have one good thing to say about their spouses, marriage isn’t any kind of huge accomplishment. It’s not like winning Nobel prize and it’s not a rocket science. Many are married because they can’t manage their life alone and want somebody else to take care of them, many don’t have their own identity and can’t even pay their own bills. Hope you aren’t envious of those women.

I’ve been single and am married and I like both situations, my marital status didn’t change who I am as a person. Your marital status is secondary. Who you are as a person is way more important than being married or not. You can accomplish a lot and grow as a person being single or being married.

As about having children, ideally and in theory everyone would have kids in happy intact families. In reality too many people raise children in miserable families, their kids grow up repeating the same cycle because they watched their parents in miserable unhealthy marriages. Taking that in consideration, eventually you might decide to have kids single. Nothing wrong with that.

Focus on your growth and improvement. Focus on finding joy in life. Focus on helping others. Focus on becoming independent. There is more to to life than finding a husband.

And don’t listen to jerks (of either gender)

I had emphasized with the OP (reply #10) because of what she said hit home with me. Over the years I had been hit up with comments about not having a woman as they were not very nice for me to hear. Unfortunately, with those who never got married and are up there in age, they get hit with unkind and hurtful remarks - men and women. With what that man told her could have been left to interpretation - it was either a put down or a compliment. But either way, it was hurtful to her and it would have been hurtful for me.

Unfortunately there's a lot of commentators with the media and online who are into male/female bashing. Those things are very vicious and hurtful. And many times they are not true with what they say.

As for me, I didn't ultimately choose remaining single. And I have never been a player (or playboy). There are many fine men/women who never got married and some who are not. Also there are many who got married that I would consider "bottom of the barrel".

I hope what I said is helpful.

Totally true.

At a wedding, someone pointed out to me the difference in how each gender responds to throwing the bridal bouquet vs throwing the garter.

The women compete feverishly to get the bouquet.

The groom tosses the garter over his shoulder, and the men back up not wanting it to land near them. Finally, some guy reluctantly picks it up, like it came with a curse.

I think there might a different explanation. Is he throwing around his bride’s sweaty garter? Hhhmm that’s maybe why no one come near and the one who picked it up was grossed out. Hahahaha I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where a man removed his bride’s garter, let alone threw it around. Embarrassing. I only saw it on TV. I’ve been to many weddings. Is this a regional tradition or certain life style or common among very young folks? I think it’s such a gross tradition, same as strippers at bachelor parties. Gross

On a serious note in my experience men want to be married and have children just as much as women. They just don’t want to be pushed and need their time. Of course some have commitment phobia.

But then again some phobias go away when people meet right match. A good friend of mine lived with a man for many years, he claimed to never wanting children, not wanting marriage and in addition was underemployed. Few years after they ended it, he got married, he now has two children, owns a house and is well established in his carrier. Of course we don’t know ins and outs, but at least on the. surface they appear to be a good family. My friend was very hurt but that happens a lot. Wasn’t ready. She was a wrong match

I've never been to a wedding reception where there wasn't a "garter toss" by the groom. Admittedly, my family and friends are not from the highest rungs of society, among whom such a custom might seem gauche.

The item tossed is a novelty piece bought for that purpose, rather than a functional part of the bride's underclothing. It cost's about $25 and is often kind of gaudy, made of elasticized lace, decorated with little ribbons, fake pearls, tiny fake flowers, rhinestones, etc. The bride might privately put it on just prior to the "toss." (It shouldn't be sweaty.) Often, the guy who catches it puts it on the thigh of the damsel who caught the bouquet. She goes home with both. It's a bit of low-brow frivolity. I love stuff like that.

Anyway, the pretty, lacey, little band gets tossed, lands on the floor, and the bachelors don't exactly dive on it. (They could all be professional baseball catchers, yet the thing always lands on the floor.) At one reception, I heard a married, male guest offer the exhortation, "Come on, Fellas, marriage is a beautiful thing!"

That’s hilarious. I’ve been to some crazy weddings myself. No garter but other crazy things. I had to read up on the origin of it. I think the whole tradition might be going away as I’ve read on couple of forums now. Many people heard of it but haven’t ever actually seen at the weddings. Just last summer I went to 3 weddings, all in their 30s, all very different cultures and life styles and educational levels etc no garter things.

Just to keep funny topic on, I was at the wedding of highly educated couple and bride’s mother got so drunk she fell face down on a table and her boyfriend fell on the dancing floor. It was worse than removing a garter.

Sorry for hijacking the thread. Funny topic

divine! - next you'll be telling me wedding guests no longer form Conga lines or dance the "hokey pokey." I guess I'm an old fogey remembering the traditions of a bygone error. Well - it was fun stuff!

Like Will, I've never enunciated marital vows. I'm not particularly sad about it. I wish to disown that dumb thing above about some guys and "the barrel." As for me, I know my worth, and I am definitely among the "creme de la creme." So are you, @black-roses, so are you. There are plenty of ding-dongs who manage to get married. It's really not a hallmark of personal greatness.

Black-roses, I do hope you bump into someone special and that it goes how you'ld like it to. Having kids, I think, is about the bravest thing an intelligent person can get involved in. I'ld sooner take up sky-diving without a parachute.

I recently asked a woman why she was not married -- I wanted to know the answer (!), since (to me) she is very attractive. She did not like the question -- it is not supposed to be "polite". I wish we could talk directly to people sometimes, without having to calculate everything.

I have had some people ask me why I'm not married. It's such a confusing question. Like what's wrong with being single? Black-roses hope you find love soon. I would like that for myself too