I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Ok, so last night being out on my own was interesting. I spoke with a man who is married but in an off and on again relationship/marriage. So, I've been asking him lots of questions about his relationship and he asked me why I am asking so many questions about his wife. I said because he has said his relationship is f'ed up, so I wanted to know if it was as f'ed up as mine is/was. He said no. His banter was kind of annoying - he used a lot of sarcasm, and when I told him I had been abused in my marriage, he said, but what did you do in the relationship that was wrong? Everyone contributes. I felt he didn't understand what I meant by abuse.

After getting to know him slightly better, I determined that he's kind of an a*ss. I don't think he's my caliber of a person, as a friend.

Then another man joined me - another who is also married, but is sleeping on the couch and has been for the last year. They have a four and 1/2 year old boy. He's also been married and divorced once already and has children with that wife but they're older (I think). He has been coming to the same music shows as I have been, so we've been talking a bit. Well, last night after the show he invited me to the local casino, so I went - strictly as friends. We talked a lot more at the casino - I found him to be interesting - he owns his own business - a printing business that he started himself. I find entrepreneurs fascinating since I used to want to be one myself.

So, I stayed out with him at the casino until 2:30 AM. I haven't stayed up that late in ages. We had a lot of fun and won some money that we split. I don't feel guilty or bad or anything. It's his choice to stay out late. I asked if his wife minds him going out alone and he said things are not great between them. I view this man as strictly a new friend, or potential friend at least. He's not a friend yet.

I feel like my alerts are up and I am watching out for potentially toxic people to avoid. That's my biggest concern: is this person toxic or worthy of my time?

Decide if he is worth having as a friend AFTER you meet his wife. People lie. Do you want to be in the middle of someone else's marriage breakdown as "his friend"?

No married men. Not without their wives' permission and knowledge. EVER.

This story is as old as this world:
“I am married” BUT sleeping on a couch, my wife has an affair, we are about to be divorced, our marriage is falling apart, we are only married on paper, am on and off, my wife doesn’t mind, things are not great between us etc etc etc

When a man says he’s married, that’s all you need to hear. Not the rest of the bogus and likely a lie he’s using to hook up with vulnerable women. You don’t know this person or his wife so how do you know if what he says is even remotely true

There is zero wrong to befriend married men if you also know their wives and they know you and know about you. But it’s obviously going to be a “secret” friendship. Of course if you both feel like you have so much in common that you really do want a real friendship you can tell him next time you hang out, you’d like to meet his wife. He’d likely block your phone number after that suggestion. Men don’t go to bars and casinos to drink and party in order to make friends but again if he’s an exception, ask to meet his wife

If he gave you his number, block it. Delete. You are in danger of finding yourself in a very bad and potentially dangerous situation

It’s good you go out and socialize but since your separation you keep meeting unsavory questionable people, both men and women. They sense vulnerability in you. Please be more careful

You also have to remember when your husband flirted with that woman at work, he also told her that “things weren’t good” between you two. Who knows if he told her he’s sleeping on a couch. That’s how he justified his actions. Not saying you flirted with a guy but his wife might see it very differently. Some people could raise he$$ if they suspect their spouse is up to no good (even if nothing bad really happened). They might call work places or embarrass suspected affair partners (even if not true) in public. Not worth it.

No, of course I don't want to be in the middle of his marriage. I wouldn't do that.

I will be careful. He did not give me his number and I did not give him mine.

True enough. My husband could have been lying to that woman, and this guy could be lying to me.

I am glad you didn’t exchange numbers.

I feel myself moving on from my husband and it’s a weird but good feeling. Weird in that there’s a tiny desire to hang on only because it’s familiar, but also good in that I feel myself emotionally separating from him and I know I need to.

My ex was like that. He "rained on my parade" anytime I was happy about something. He was jealous of everyone who loved me. I always said that even if he won the lottery, he would find a way to make it negative. Abusers are miserable people, and they need you to feel the same way.

Yes, I am picking up on this fact about abusers. I mean, naturally he had to try and ruin my dad's bday by fighting with me, although that wasn't a happy day because my father has died and we were mourning on his bday. The point is, he had to make the day about himself and about how HE feels instead of allowing me to mourn and instead of being sympathetic.

He has tried to ruin many other happy occasions for me: holidays and bdays.

I have read that they do this - they all do this.

I forgot to mention: the other day when my husband was texting, he threw our marriage vows in my face: "in sickness and in health" he wrote and "in good times and bad times", in an effort to what, GUILT me into being with him???? And I love how he's using our vows to try and manipulate me, when he's the one who broke our vows in the first place by cheating!!!!

He also claimed he would never "abandon" me if we got back together. Yeah right. He just wants to be the one in control. He can't stand that I am leaving him, and not the other way around! I know full well that IF we DID get back together, he WOULD abandon me and he would be the one to discard me because that's what he wants - FULL CONTROL. He can't stand the fact that I've left him and that he no longer has any control over the relationship.

AND.... I was recalling our so-called honeymoon in St Lucia. We were there for 6 days and 7 nights. We only went to the beach to sun ourselves ONE DAY of the entire week. Otherwise, we went to the pools. GEEZ! Only one day at the actual beach, when we were on a tropical island?!?!?? It blows my mind. And we only had sex ONCE that entire week!!!!! That was a prelude to things to come in our sex life, which was definitely lacking. We had sex maybe 1-2 times per month!!!!!!!!

The amount of BS that I put up with in this relationship truly blows my mind.

I slept with another man last night. I thought it may help me to move on from my husband. It was a one night thing. All I can think of is my husband having sex with another woman. And it’s hard. That part of things is very hard for me to stomach. I wish this were easier. I don’t want to be single again. I wish my marriage could have been all that I wanted it to be and all that I hoped it would be. It’s so disappointing. I feel lost and broken. I don’t know if I can ever climb out of this hole. I feel very despondent. I just want to feel better. And I’m worried no man will ever love me again. I have so many problems - how or why would another man want to be with me long term? I’m lost in my career, I have debt and no retirement money. I’ve had some serious mental health issues in the past. I’ve had a string of toxic/abusive relationships. I feel like a lost cause and like I have nothing to offer a man.

Hang in there. Just focus on what you have and what you can do to improve. Not on the past.

Was the guy any good? Is he nice?

You have value. We as humans don't see ourselves the way others see us. Count this guy as an experiment in discovering something about yourself you didn't know. All the things you listed are things that can and will change. And how you feel about those things...this guy helped you see some things you aren't happy with. He gave you clarity about yourself.

It's OK to grieve your marriage and wish things had been different. It's a sad reality though that not all wishes come true. Eventually, it becomes a happy reality though. You find new things to enjoy, you find new people to care about who care about you. It takes time to build a happier life. There aren't short cuts, but chocolate and satisfying experiences help along the way.

Ok and thanks divine. Yes, he is nice and is a gentleman. Just what I needed.

Thank you… yeah, right now I don’t see my value. Maybe a need a new life, or a rehabbed life. I’m afraid to face what I have to face. It’s easier to go along with the status quo than to make big changes.

And yes, I’m grieving my marriage. It’s so sad to me. I’ve deleted all photos of him from the last five years from my phone and Facebook except for the wedding. It’s like I’ve erased the last five years and now there’s a big hole that I have to fill. It’s overwhelming.

Is this guy possibly a dating potential?

No - not someone I want to date. I don't want to date now anyways.

I have to see my husband tomorrow. I’m dreading it.

Hang in there!

I’m sorry that you are struggling right now.

Thanks @Bill3.