Relationship Course

We are doing a relationship course online.

I wish we would have done this at the beginning of the relationship. Everybody should have this education going in to a relationship. If we had this course, the bad behavior couldn’t have started and taken hold. We would have instantly recognized the unhealthy patterns that was the opposite of what was taught in the course. This relationship couldn’t have gone so far off track.

I’m approaching it from a position of all that happened is in the past, and trying to have a better relationship moving forward.

The first thing this course says is, ‘You love your partner, and you should do things to make them feel closer’. Some of the examples were a bit love bomby. This first premise is even a point of struggle for us.

Over the course of a lifetime, in reality, this concept of doing things to feel closer was mostly neglected, otherwise was done in ways that were nice, but did not induce feelings of sexuality. It was doing nice things for each other that was more friendly than romantic. This friendship, family relationship has been what kept us together.

I see his pattern has been to finally come through in giving to me after he has made me upset and angry with him because he didn’t do anything. This is very clear to me now, a montage of disappointment sparking dysregulation.

Looking at it as I should start giving and keep putting ‘coins in the jar’, I am trying to feel about it as I did in the beginning. It shouldn’t have become transactional. I eventually felt that I did for him but he doesn’t do for me. Then he finally did after I complained, forming the bad pattern of our dysfunction.

I hope the course is helpful. It seems to have potential.

This course sounds interesting. May I inquire about its URL per PM?

This quote of yours - as soon as I can I will try to make a proper Wall ornament out of it (i.e. framing). Although - the gender roles need reversal, as I am male … but … quote is quote, and so it will be hung. Keep you posted (per PM? per thread? your quote, your choice) about it, promise!

rewin

That made me smile, my ramblings inspiring a wall hanging!

This is a link to their site: Gottman Connect
They are highly respected therapists. For years, we have been waiting to contact them.

So far, the course is not bringing us closer together. Instead, it has pinpointed the dysfunction. He is doing the “what not to do’s” WHILE we are working on the course together. Then I got frustrated and angry and said some disparaging words about our crappy relationship. So, not getting closer…. I am grateful for the clarity the course provides. I can prove exactly how he is acting in an antagonistic way, rather than a connecting way.

Proud of myself, again, didn’t go down the well of emotionality. No more dysregulation for me! I got dressed and plan to get out of here, away from him today, and just do something else with my day and enjoy.

I’m in a relationship with a person who is the trigger. I always feel remorse with myself for my reactionary abuse. I am not pleased with myself for saying to him, in response to his triggering behavior, that ‘our relationship is just a struggle and he is an a hole’ (threw in some f bombs for effect). It was just one sentence. He didn’t respond. I walked away. I didn’t go off on a long rant and meltdown as I have in the past. I always feel ashamed of myself and apologize later for this. My reactionary abuse makes him look like a saint and me a demon. He baits me. I am working tremendously hard to control my behavior.

I don’t like this relationship. It’s not compatible. It’s not healthy. I am trying so I hard, but it always goes bad.

I’m not apologizing this time for my one sentence. But, I don’t want to set myself up again for his triggering. I just don’t know what to do here and am so stuck. I know my options. When I get to see my therapist soon (had to wait a month for an appointment), I will ask for support in leaving.

Maybe the course has helped you see that it is time to leave this relationship rather than try thinking of how to improve what cannot be improved at this point.

Fabulous you're using Gottman. Many mental health professionals consider him to be a foremost leader in his field. My friend was interested but was hesitant because of the cost. I told her it was much less expensive, both emotionally and financially, than a divorce.

I am glad you are pinpointing how you feel about the relationship. And I am glad that the course is highlighting for you even further the dysfunction and how he triggers you.

I think you are hitting a place in your relationship now where you see you have tried just about every avenue, and it still doesn't work.

If you do leave, at least you can say that you tried your very best to make it work, and you can leave without any regrets about not having tried hard enough.

And, IF you happen to be scared of being alone again (and I am not saying you are - hypothetically), I will tell you something:

I was afraid of it myself at my age. BUT, over time (and that's just in 2 months), I have learned and gained so much from being alone. I am more comfortable with it now, my life is far more peaceful as a result, I am regaining myself again, and I am feeling far better about myself and about life again. I am enjoying my own company and I enjoy the solitude and peace that comes with it.

So, if you find yourself being scared to leave out of fear of being alone, don't let fear hold you back... it's a falsehood. We can stand on our own two feet without a partner.

We heard about them many years ago. At that time, they seem to have only offered in-person workshops. We talked about going, but didn’t using the excuse it required us to leave kids and not being able to take off work. Expense was used as part of the excuse, too. We could have afforded it.

It’s great that they have online courses to reach the masses that cost far less money and inconvenience.

Maybe fear held us back from going to see them in-person. Fear of the degree of dysfunction being exposed?

We saw a couple other therapists together at home over the years. There was no improvement.

The struggle is, and it has become evident in this course, too, I ask for my needs to be met, he promises to do it, and he consistently fails me…rinse,repeat.

One week in-
I’m sorry to sound as petty as this is, but I have observed that he didn’t once go back to doing the course beyond the original day he got it and did it while angry at me on my birthday. I have gone on it myself a few times, and suggested we do it together a few times this week. The instructions are for the couple to do it together. We are supposed to ask questions of each other and listen. We are supposed to choose actions to do and do them.

We did the exercises cooperatively together. But each time I got upset because the things stated are so triggering because they are the things that have been issues between us, which were handled badly, traumatically. But I let the anger pass and have kept trying with the course over this week.

We both did do a few small things to bring us closer. There was a thing to do that I took on for me to do for him. I did attempt it, but couldn’t follow through yet. The thing he said he’d do for me, he promptly forgot and made no attempt. So I got upset and called him on it when we looked at the assignment again.

More evidence that he makes promises and puts it right out of his mind.

One week in, it’s a work in progress with small steps in the right direction but glaring issues that are very evident here.

Honestly, I don’t even really know my own feelings in it anymore. I feel like we are two people having to try way too hard and life is not supposed to be like that. The things that have been really hurtful and traumatic are hard to just forgive and forget.

This - yes. It IS too hard and you ARE trying way too hard to make something work that doesn't work.

And I know the feeling. Even though I said I forgave my abusive husband for his infidelity, I never got over it and it haunted me the whole time we were back together. I never felt secure and I realized after the fact that once I got back together with him, I bent over backwards to please him because I felt at fault, and it still did not work, no matter how hard I tried.

You're right. It should not be this hard.

I located a therapist certified in the Gottman method and asked to be a patient. Their description also says they are trained in EMDR, trauma, CBT, so I think this may be a therapist good for me. I hope to start seeing them by myself and then maybe they will see my husband and me together.

We are a couple, married for decades, who have done all the ‘what not to do’s’ in this course. I doubt the course was designed as self help for one as dysfunctional as us. It’s retraumatizing to go through the course together as it teaches us the right things to do that trigger flashbacks of all the wrong things we have done.

If I may formulate it so (non-native english): I think, it is admirable that you, TishaBuv, get yourself the help that you require at this time.

In my particular case, help was never accepted by myself ... until a dear friend gave it to me. So I am in the hospital, presently - finally no longer willing to go AMA but waiting, waiting for therapy to start (welcome to the queue ...).

I really hope, TishaBuv, that the therapist holds the light that the certificates attest him (i.e. is competent) - and I do mean more than 'just' a candle. Pretty sure, your dear hubby will come around.

Regarding the wall ornament: I haven't forgotten - and I am pretty sure how it will be made. Stay tuned ...


Kindest,
rewin

@TishaBuv please don’t beat yourself up for how you are seeing things you didn’t see before. You have been trying very hard to educate yourself. Many people unknowingly pick up bad relationship habits from their parents and even certain cultural customs.

Be patient with yourself ((((hugs))).