Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all your thoughts and input.

As far as I knew, she had some sort of insurance policy with $250,000 or more in it and that was her only money left. It was meant to cover her, should she need additional care.

And omg, I am SO lost... last night he called and we talked for a while. He is now insisting on giving me 10K out of his inheritance to help me, and because I had asked him about it. I was SO exhausted and SO burnt out, that I eventually agreed to let him. He kept insisting, and I kept saying no, until I finally just succumbed.

But now, after sleeping on it, I don't think I can accept this money. He tells me it will make him feel better to be able to help me, and that it will ease all my worries about finding a roommate, about making my rent, and needing to borrow from mom. He said it was wrong of him to offer me money in exchange for dating him.

He also believes I am not dating anyone right now. I did not correct him. I still feel it's none of his business to know what I am doing, regardless of anything.

IF I accept this money, I will feel obligated to speak to him whenever I run into him socially. I will not have the clean break I seek.

I may even feel guilty for taking it, and he could be using this as a way to make me look bad to other people... like, see, I gave her 10K, now she won't even speak to me, and she's dating someone else. What a biotch she is. I can just see it all now.

It could also force me to be nice to him at all times, accept his calls when he does call and to respond to each text. It will make me feel obligated to keep the lines of communication open.

I cannot accept this money, and I need to tell him this right now.

Obviously it was more than 250k because if each boy got 180 or what not. He supposedly had zero money and could not even give you 1 K for the chair.

Listen he owes you that money. For expensive wedding and honeymoon that you paid for solely, like literally unheard of be honest, he never paid even a half let alone more that that. He bought a ring, but that’s what men always do. Wedding and engagement rings don’t fall into mutual expense. And jerk paid for it with ex wife’s money. He owes you. You endlessly spent on him.

Enough with this “I must be nice”. You must be civil in public. What’s this with being nice?

In addition moving out in the middle of lease puts undue burden on the one who stays. He owes for that too. You gave him back a deposit which he used on drugs last year. He can pay it back.

The way it needs to be worded. “You owed me money and now with these how many thousands you give me now we are in the clear, thanks for paying back”. Remain polite. No you do not need to accept calls or otherwise go out of your way at all for the duration of your life.

These niceties gets you no where. What is it to do with you dating or running into him. So now you must suffer because you are afraid he’ll say something to someone? To whom? Who cares? Yes it will be clean break. Dude put you through too much. Take the money and bye Felicia. That’s your clean break

Where does it get you in life with this “must be nice to men”. You shouldn’t be uncivil. But nice? why?

Also he is now offering 10k in a hurry because he figured you are addressing it with a lawyer and judge and likely will get more money from him. So he figured out 10k will shut you up in a hurry and you won’t ask for more in court. The guy is manipulative jerk treating you like you are stupid and you still “must be nice”. No

Take the money or fight for more

I agree with divine, but i have the "must be nice or they will do worse" fear also. So i wasnt nice, and guess what - they backed off. They had been playing me all along.

Yes, theoretically, he owes me. But when I've brought it up in that way to him, he has become extremely defensive and argumentative, telling me that he spent thousands of dollars on us while we were together, so in his mind, it all cancels out. He's wrong, but I refuse to continue to argue the point with him.

I'd much rather receive the money through legal means than freely accepting it from him in this way. I know myself... and I know that as a result, IF I accept this money now, I will feel obligated to be nice, to accept his calls and texts and to speak with him whenever I run into him. It's who and how I am, and I cannot change that.

No... the answer is unequivocally NO. I will not take 10K from him. Not in this way. I see it as yet another way to manipulate and control me and I won't allow it.

The other day after he lit into me and berated me on the phone, I told him over text that I never wish to speak or hear from him again. I told him he has NOT changed, and that he is an abusive mother fu*cker.

I will eat all my words if I accept money from him in this way. The only way I would accept money is if it came from a legal standpoint.

I must break free of him and for good.

I don't want to give him ANY reason to bad mouth me to all our mutual friends. And yes, that is important to me. I believe this is yet another manipulation to get himself out from being the bad guy and to put me in the bad guy position. I refuse.

Oh me too. I speak from experience and because I can relate and know nothing good comes out of it, I don’t wish it on Hope. Being too nice solves nothing

I've been accused of being "too nice", and I am... this is what has gotten me burned in life, manipulated and mistreated. I am FAR too nice, it makes me vulnerable to abuse and susceptible, and I need to learn to find my inner biotch. Something for me to work on.

Yeah no point to argue with this jerk. Did you get anything back from the lawyer? I hope they look into the time frame of his receiving the money

Nothing back from the lawyer yet. I had written him after 5 PM yesterday, so I imagine I will hear back today (I hope).

I agree. It does make you vulnerable. It’s a work in progress. I think we look at it as you are either nice or nasty. But there’s something in between. Don’t need to be a biatch. Polite and cordial but not “too nice” is good enough. Keeping your distance from jerks. No need to argue but simply detach from them.

See you found your inner biotch and told your ex off. Lol Good for you.

Last night I was thinking about all the wrong turns and mistakes I've made in my life... and there have been many. I was trying to think of the times when I had made GOOD, SOUND decisions, and I couldn't think of that many.

This morning I made a wise, smart and good decision for once, and that feels GREAT. My gut told me to refuse the 10K from my ex. I also have vowed that I will listen to and follow my gut feelings from now on.... after NOT listening to my gut when I first met and then married an abusive mother fuc*ker, it made me feel SO foolish.

So from now on, my goal is to always follow my intuition and gut. I did today, and I am very happy about that. For once, I've made a good decision.

SO true... because after being "too nice", and then after being manipulated, abused, mistreated, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, or taken advantage of, my nastiness then comes out....

there IS a middle ground, and I need to find it. Detachment is preferable. I will learn... something for me to work towards in my personal development.

Yeah if I look at life’s decisions, vast majority were bad decisions. I try not to think of it too much. I have an older friend who fell into long debilitating depression when she started analyzing some life choices. She ended up bed ridden for nearly a year so bad she felt. She’s ok now. But I am afraid to analyze the past too much I can’t change it.

Good for you making smart decision and trusting yourself

Yeah, I am trying to see more of the positives in my life vs negatives to keep my spirits up....

I unequivocally said no to the 10K this morning, telling him that him paying the 3K in taxes was good enough. In my mind, that pays for nearly half the wedding and honeymoon.

However, now he is insisting upon sending me rent money for next month. When will this end????? I am going to say NO, for all the same reasons. I do NOT want to feel obligated to him in ANY WAY. My next step after that will be to block him for good.

He also sent a HUGE bouquet of flowers yesterday.

I just spoke with my abuse advocate who agrees that my husband's maneuvers around this inheritance are highly suspect. I still have not heard back from the lawyer about the inheritance money or his financial statement. My advocate will connect me to free legal counsel next week, so I can call a lawyer and get my questions answered for free. My advocacy organization will also pay my heat and electric bills, so that takes the heat off of me financially a little bit.

I saw a woman once with a t-shirt that said 49% sweetheart, 51% biotch. I think that's what we all need in a way. And it's not biotch so much as self-preservation.

I have mixed feelings about you not taking the 10K but of course it's your decision - I think it's reasonable to refuse if you will feel obligated. And the huge bouquet of flowers bothers me because he obviously still thinks you will come around.

I think he is lying about where the money comes from. If she was hoping to use the money if she needed care, then it wasn't life insurance because that only pays if you die. If the money was from a life insurance policy on someone else (for example her late husband), then she had the money in her bank account and Ken knew he would be getting some if she died.

Anyway... If you can't get the money through legal process, then it may be best just to write it off as a loss and move on. At least if you refuse any money from him, he will know the door is closed on getting back together.

It does bug me that he has received such a huge sum of money and gets to skip away from any obligation on stuff he should have paid half for. However, that's how the world works. The main thing is that you can turn the page.

Flowers are not acceptable. He needs to stop it.

Yes the whole thing with money is suspect. He knew it was coming. Obviously. Maybe not the exact amount but it’s not news to him.

I hear ya and thanks so much.

He paid me 2K today, I changed my mind and accepted the money, and says he will not contact me any further. So, in total he has paid for almost half of the wedding/honeymoon money I spent, and he has paid me in full for the chair I bought him, which he kept, for 2K. To me, that's fair given what I had spent on him.

As far as the inheritance goes, I will see if my lawyer provides me with his financial statement, as I requested from him today in a follow up email. I will see what the free legal counsel tells me next week and then will proceed/not proceed from there. If he lied & hid the money somehow, then I will be motivated to pursue it more.

I told him today we need to let go and move on. And that I don't wish to be in touch anymore. He says he will comply.

Absolutely. Make sure though that lawyer follows up with what if anything he owes you

I will.

I blocked my husband just now. It feels healthiest and best for me.

And I am celebrating. I have lost 17 pounds, weight that i had gained with my husband and have been trying to lose for four years now. He made it impossible to diet and lose weight. Since I've been on my own, I've been eating healthy foods and dieting. So I lost all the weight I had gained while with him, and it really feels amazing. I feel like my normal, healthier self right now.. and sexier. I did. not feel sexy at the weight I was at, even if I was still, I didn't feel that way... it helps my self esteem, and I have reached a significant goal.. something to certainly celebrate.

Congratulations on your weight loss! (I am losing weight too and that is inspiring).

I'm glad you got the 2K and that he agreed on no contact.

THANK YOU!!!

Yes, me too... now I only have to borrow $500 from mom for next month.