Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Thanks so much @Bill3!

Thanks so much @Samicat!!!

You're right. However, I grew weak and emailed him to let him know! ARGH!

I bet he won't reply.

Maybe reflect on what prompted you to let him know...

He’s been worried about me. I wanted to let him know I’ll be ok, without letting him think I wanted to get back together. I told him that nothing changes how I feel.

Gosh - just don't respond to him if he replies. He now knows you'll be okay and that's all he needs to know.

I'm so happy you found something good. You can still get a roommate if you want to save extra money, but nice to know you don't HAVE to get one.

Yeah I won’t reply, but I don’t think he’s going to respond. I had told him I didn’t expect a reply.

I won’t be getting a roommate.. that was only if I couldn’t make ends meet.

And thanks so much again!! I’m very happy about it!

I know it's hard to date someone after being ill treated by the previous partner. But my advice would be stop seeking relationship and let the relationship come to you.

That's exactly what I am now doing.. I am not looking for one at all.

Ok, so I am not dating and decided to wait on that for quite a while - many months at the least. This guy, however, that I am "friends" with on Facebook through mutual friends, liked one of my posts yesterday. I did not recognize him, so I sent him a message asking if we have ever met in person and how we know each other. It is through mutual friends and we've never met before. But we started talking and had a really nice conversation. He was born the same year as me, is divorced with two older kids, is single and enjoys hiking and the same music as me. I told him I am not dating right now and that I want to rebuild myself and rediscover ME. However, we ended the conversation by agreeing to perhaps meet in person to see music sometime. And what's really weird for me - he has a very different face than my ex husband, but the same exact hair cut and goatee, with brown hair and brown eyes, just like my ex. WEIRD.

I will just be friends with this man, if we do become friends and get along. I'm going to stick to my rule of no dating until I feel fully healed. I still have a long way to go.

And, I had a coaching session with a life coach that I met on one of my FB narc abuse support groups. I paid $100 for an hour of coaching. To my chagrin, she talked a lot about her own issues, as though it were a mutual coaching session! I was severely disappointed. She is far from healed herself and is hiding from her ex husband, who had threatened to kill her! There was very little that I got out of the session, except to start writing a gratitude and self love journal entry each morning to rebuild my self esteem. I felt like I had to extend my sympathy to her in her own situation and she derailed the conversation several times throughout the call to talk about her issues. OY! Disappointing! I will not hire her again.

I don’t think being friends will work with a guy if you find him attractive. And I am sure he didn’t ask you to go somewhere together because he’s looking for friends. Nothing wrong with whatever you want to do with the guy but these things rarely end up in friendship. I still think you need more female friends if you want friendships. I do hope you have a good time with this guy, he sounds nice.

OMG life coach, Is she self appointed life coach? I can tell you to write in a journal for free hahah I personally hate writing journals but it’s a valid and very common suggestion to recommend that: “self love and gratitude journal”, you don’t charge people $100 to listen to that. You don’t need to call yourself a life coach to say those things. I’d be annoyed!

Well, I did meet a woman yesterday and we're going walking together early Friday morning before work, so there's that. I am not yet up for joining groups to meet more women. I am burnt out.

And yeah, that life coach was a bit of a joke! NOT worth a $100!

I cannot help much but maybe take a step back and re evaluate your life. You've had big things happen, a divorce, a job loss, and financial struggle. Take a step back, look at it and consider that maybe these things are showing you where life needed to change. I also highly recommend guided meditations for anxiety, self worth, self love, panic attacks, settling your nervous system and perhaps focusing on yourself before dating again. Good luck with everything.

Well, yes, in my last job I wasn't appreciated or valued and they never gave me a real chance to prove myself. My divorce needed to happen. And my finances are far better now, as well as my job.

I have a thread on here about overhauling my life, but old patterns are proving to be hard to break.

Jay showed up with a new woman last night, and I got pretty upset. I was upset that he didn't tell me anything about it over the last few weeks while I was foolishly texting him and confiding in him about various issues. It took me by a complete surprise. I texted him when I left. I told him it was thoughtless and uncaring, and I did not say nice things. Then I blocked him and unfriended him. If he can't respect me enough to inform me ahead of time, when he knows I could show up at the venue, then I don't want to be friends with him.

My tolerance level for any kind of BS is very very low.

Were you still dating him?

I am sorry you are hurting.

If you were just texting chatting as friends, I am not sure he had to tell you. He could but how he’d even approach it? It’s not like you chatting in hopes to rekindle romance. Does he know you have feelings for him? If yes then he’s a jerk texting with you. If not, he might think you’d not care who he brings to bars. And if you chat as friends why can’t he bring a woman to a concert also as friends. Not like he married her. Plus sometimes when people just start dating they don’t want to tell others. If he’s even dating. He is a bit of a player so who knows what’s he doing with these women. It might be nothing.

And if I became friends with ex and all of a sudden he started informing me who he’s dating, I’d thought he was trying to make me jealous. What for. Id be like why you telling me that. I understand if your feelings for him are still fresh. But then why text him and be friends? Might not be a good idea to be friends with exes. It almost never works out

I know I am probably beating a dead horse but it’s sad to see you being upset running to all these people. Ex husband ex dates ex friends ex boyfriends. If it’s upsetting you, you might want to make changes. Are these venues worth this aggravation? Could you ar least take a break?

And even though friendships between men and women are possible, it doesn’t seem to work out quite often. Befriending these men just isn’t getting you anywhere. You need more women. Preferably not in that venue

I have to add that stopping being friends with him is a good idea regardless of anything.

The last time I had seen Jay, we were not dating but we talked about hooking up and he had said who knows what will happen next time. That’s where it was left. Seeing him with another woman was a total surprise and I don’t like surprises like that. I felt since I was texting him a lot and since he knew I still had feelings for him that the thoughtful and respectful thing to do would be to tell me.

How long ago was it that you saw him? He probably thinks “hooking up” doesn’t warrant any type of disclosures. Yeah ideally when talking about hookups, he could at least say he’s seeing other women. Well you are right that ideally thoughtful thing would be to say something or stop texting, but he’s not that thoughtful.

It didn’t work out with him before so I’d not expect anything different now. He caused you pain before and now it’s happening again. It’s better to not rekindle it with exes. You can enjoy life without these bozos

It was several weeks ago when I last had last seen him and when we talked about hooking up. Yes, he causes me pain. I am done with him, even as a friend.

I tried to apologize to him the next morning for my mean words, and he didn't reply. I also had unfriended him Wed night. I don't want friends like him. I am not sending any more texts to him, and it will be a while before I decide to go on a Wed night again for this particular show. I am done with all this crap.

You can see how his attitude was very cavalier by his saying you could “hook up”. I think that term means basically really casual and sex. To me, that term means non-relationship, definitely no regard for owing you any respect. It’s so “player”. That’s not what you wanted at all.

I know. The more I think about it, the less respectful I think he is.