Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Hooking up all in itself is ok if that’s what both people want. Mutually agreed upon casual encounters could be ok. But honestly I think most decent men wouldn’t be suggesting hook ups to women. They’d not want men offering it to their sisters/daughters/nieces so they’d not do this to women. Maybe in their college years when very young and partying. Not as grown ups. Not in 30s/40s/50s/60s. That boat sailed.

I don't think Jay is all that decent after all. I think he's a bit of a player.

I think he's a wanderer too. He quit his steady and stable full-time job. Since then, he's mowing lawns and doing lawn and home maintenance for his neighborhood. He wants to move to the Caribbean to be a boat captain. So just do it already. He's in limbo, with no goals or any real direction. He's aimless. We're the complete opposite. I am very goal oriented. I don't stagnate and I cannot stand being in a limbo state.

He would have driven me crazy, between the long lapses in communication, his non-committal attitude, and his limbo state of being, I would have gone bonkers.

I thought it was established he is a non comital player and and that’s why you were broken up awhile back. Were you considering to go back to him as this post comes across as a new discovery? If yes, then I am glad you didn’t. If someone was a non comital, under achieving, player few months back, he’d not miraculously be someone else few months later.

I also don’t buy stories of quitting stable jobs and becoming a lawn mower. Most likely was fired. And I’d not be able to go past his lack of parenting. There is no court order where long distance parent wouldn’t have long summer visitation stretch with a kid. 4 weeks, 6 weeks etc it depends on the arrangements. Did he have his child this summer? Nope. Bet not. He goes to bars, hooks up and gets stoned instead. He’s either a jerk not caring for the kid or doesn’t even have visitation rights. Don’t date men like that. If that’s how they are as parents, that’s how they are as everything else

I really hope you 100% done with him and and all other men of this variety

His son visited him for two weeks in June.

But, I agree that his parenting is lacking and the situation seems fishy.

Why does his ex wife have him still blocked on her facebook, five years post divorce? And why does she refuse to speak with Jay on the phone, forcing him to only text with her? And, why did she move out of state with his son, far away from him so that he doesn't or cannot see his son on a regular basis? All of these questions make me think something far bigger and far more negative happened between them. Perhaps he is abusive, and I don't even know it. I did receive a couple of very mean comments or jokes at the very beginning, at my expense, which did raise an eyebrow for me.

All of this points to negatives about him. I was just simply caught up for a while in having a comfort blanket through my divorce and post divorce. Now I am seeing him far more clearly than I did before, even though I noticed everything i am bringing up here. It takes me a while to process information ,and sometimes, that process is slow.

My bad if he did see his son. I assumed he didn’t.

Yeah he doesn’t sound like a good prospect. Glad you are done

He is definitely not a good prospect! I’m glad I’m done too.

I did not go to the Wed night band last night. I stayed home. I learned through a friend that Jay brought the same female date with him again. My friend reported that she sat on the couch by herself bored during the second set.

Hmmm... I am so glad I didn't go. I didn't think about or consider going either. But this is what my friend reports back to me.

Clearly Jay could care less about this effecting me in any way. He is going to do whatever he wants to do, including bringing his new woman to this show that we used to hang out at together. It feels wrong somehow. Like it's being shoved in my face.

Please don't tell me I am wrong for feeling this way... I feel the way I feel, and there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit slighted by this. My father used to tell me I was wrong all the time for how I felt. I grew up to feel ashamed of all of emotions and as though I am constantly wrong. Still to this day, I feel shame over my emotions because of my father.

Feelings are complicated. Sometimes it can be difficult to understand why we feel the way we do. I think that for most people, if we could control our own feelings, our lives would be different. The only thing I know for sure is that we can only control our own behaviors, including when our complex feelings get in the way of it being easy to do.

I'm not exactly sure what you feel. It sounds like you are jealous an ex boyfriend has started seeing someone new. And maybe you feel rejected because after breaking up with him, he didn't pursue you to win back your affections? And maybe you are disappointed that he didn't? I think you may feel offended by him moving on?

I think taking some time to focus on your emotional health is smart. It takes time to heal and to adjust our behavior. You have made big leaps in adjusting your lifestyle to open up your life for happiness (divorcing an abuser, not settling on a person who wanted different things, etc). Now it's time to let your emotions catch up to those changes. Processing emotions is hard but worth the time.

I know it goes sideways sometimes, but writing down I feel (insert emotion) when (insert other person's behavior)... is step one. Step 2 is adding and I'm not sure how to change what I'm in control of to feel differently. It's OK the feel, it's OK to not know what to do about it. And it's OK to change. It takes time.

From my perspective, it seems like you may rely on other people behaving a certain way to induce your feelings. As though you are relying on an ex boyfriend not doing something so you can feel secure/accepted/in control (I'm not sure what you want to feel)... I know you know you that other people will behave the way they choose to and relying on them to cause you to feel good feelings is going to fail and lead to negative feelings almost all the time.

Thank you for this.. it really helps.

Yes, I feel slighted that Jay did not pursue me again after we ended things. I wanted him to in a way. I wanted him to want to pick things up again and take it to the next level. But he didn't want that. So I have to respect that and move on. It's just hard for me to see him with someone new, when that used to be me beside him. I do have a little bit of a jealousy streak in me. I know it's not a great quality to own, but I admittedly get jealous.

I also do not hone in on my precise emotions. Your suggestion of writing it down and spelling it out in that way can help me.

I am definitely making adjustments in my life and I am learning and enforcing better boundaries. If and when someone crosses them, I am immediately walking away now, whereas previously I would allow poor behaviors by giving people more chances. Now, I am not doing that. It feels good to I have boundaries and to preserve my self respect.

I don't rely on others to make me feel good or to make me happy. I feel good & happy all on my own. Happiness, self esteem and self worth all come from within, and do not rely on external factors. I do have high expectations of human behavior and get disappointed in people frequently for their poor behaviors. I am not sure how to deal with that one or resolve it.

It’s never comforting to see someone you recently dated with a new person. It’s perfectly understandable that you’d feel some type of way. Now if you ran into him 5 years from now and felt jealous, that would be weird but not if it’s recent.

Now about you wanting him to pursue you. That’s again fantasy v reality. Fantasy is him realizing his wrong ways, deciding on a serious relationship, falling madly in love with you and living happily ever after. Reality is he’s kind of a loser with no proper job or place to live in his 40s, likely a stoner, and someone who wants to have casual fun with women and no commitment. Is that the best you can do being with a guy like that? Obviously you could do better. In fact it’s commendable he didn’t pursue you further as he knows he can’t give you what you want so why would he push for it?

Him dating other women doesn’t mean much. They either would want serious like you did and will bail since he’s not interested. Or they are ok with casual, which you aren’t. So it’s not like he chose other women. You made a choice of not being with a playboy so honor your choice and hold your head high.

Whatever you feel is valid. As long as you don’t act on it like contacting him again etc And I think I’d ask friends not to report to me what my exes are doing. That’s unnecessary drama.

Btw that woman sitting by herself on a couch reminds he how he’d go to concerts supposedly with you but then ignored you there or not even hang out by you at all. And that’s after sleep over at your house! What else is new. He shows women exactly where they stand with him. Eventually everyone catches on to that.

I think it’s fairly common of decent people having high expectations of decent human behaviors.

I think that your frequent disappointment with people come from you building these people up in your mind before you really get to know them.

If in your mind they are these wonderful creatures but then they turn out to be jerks, it’s upsetting. But if you took your time to get to know them, you’d know they are jerks and it would not be a surprise to you.

Two things that help with not building people up before you really know them is taking things slow (both romantically and friendship wise) and engage your head ahead of your heart in the beginning before you really know them. Like we feel excited about someone and all feels great then they do crap and it’s upsetting. But if we did more thinking at the get go, is this even a person to expect much from, we’d either not go on with them or we sure wouldn’t be disappointed. Don’t build people up prematurely.

Now is it easy? No. But it will help with disappointments.

You should continue having high expectations but that means choosing high level people. You can’t have high expectations of low quality people who can’t deliver. You’ll be perpetually disappointed

Maybe I’m strange, but I might feel deep emotions running into a significant ex (Jay was very short term) many years later. I’m sorry your exes are always at the music venues you enjoy. That bites.

I’ll add that you’re wanting Jay to have wanted you, isn’t even about him. It is about the idea of him, not the actual him. I think we all are subconsciously trying to resolve childhood trauma and this is how it plays out in present day.

Oh that makes sense. Often when we feel rejected it’s not even about that person. Good point about childhood trauma

You aren’t strange. Significant ex yes, it’s probably not unusual to feel certain way even years later. I meant some short dating experiences will likely not mean much years later-that’s what I meant

Not to hijack but I know I felt some type of way when my ex husband remarried and it was years after divorce and we felt nothing romantic for each other. But not only I felt awkward but I think I made it known by my indirect behavior. I think I was kind of rude. Kind of embarrassing to think of it. She is a lovely woman.

We feel what we feel even if we don’t realize it and don’t understand why

Thanks, @divine1966 & @TishaBuv, for your thoughts and input.

I guess it feels like a rejection, and I do have trouble with rejection. Before he brought her to the venue, he and I had talked about hooking up again, as I mentioned before. But then he quickly switched gears and started dating someone else, so naturally I felt rejected. And now he's bringing her regularly to the Wed night shows, which only just puts it all right in my face. I am not taking it well.

That being said, we had all collectively concluded on this thread that Jay is not a high quality person, or a guy to date long-term or seriously. So, there's that for me to factor in and consider in this equation. Ultimately, I need to remind myself that I do not actually wish to date jay again, or be in a real relationship with him. He couldn't give me what I want and needed.

And most likely, he will do the same things to this new woman and likely already is.

I mean, the other night my friend reported that she sat in the far back of the venue on the couch alone. It's not a good or positive sign, in my opinion. I imagine that perhaps he was treating her the same as me, holding her at a distance and at arms length, and she got mad so she went to the back area by herself because she was angry. This is all imaginary and in my head, but she rode with Jay to the venue in Jay's car. He was her ride. So, why was she sitting in the back all by herself during the second set, and not by Jay's side? It makes me wonder what happened, but ultimately, it's not my problem or concern. I have far bigger fish to fry in my own life. But it did raise an eyebrow for me.

Interesting point @TishaBuv about trauma and that I wanted Jay to still want me. I always want my exes to still want me, for some reason... not the ones I reject, but the ones who reject me. Perhaps because my father rejected me in so many ways and was so constantly overly critical towards me, that I crave that male attention, regardless of how I feel towards the person????

Definitely food for thought for me. Thank you.. I appreciate hearing this perspective.

I felt like you do, too. The psy’s putting out the videos are talking about the science behind this concept. Once I learned this, my self esteem rose ten times that day lol (Grinch reference), and I’ll never crave love from someone unavailable again. I’ll still have that wish, deep within, from those most close people who withheld in the past. But I won’t keep banging my head over them, and am resolute to not let myself get into that with anyone moving forward.

I understand how you feel but I’d try to not see as rejection. When you broke up you told him you were in love with him or falling in love or something of the sorts. Under the circumstances for him to continue hooking up without commitment would be a totally jerky move, plus he’d be using you.

Perhaps he came to his senses after he originally agreed to hook ups. It’s a positive thing that he decided against using you.

What’s he doing with this other date doesn’t matter because no one knows. It could be nothing. Or he could be mistreating her. If that’s the case- poor woman, but nothing for you to be jealous about

I also would look at it as you rejected him. You rejected casual hookups he was offering. Yeah for a brief moment you thought to try again but now you know it’s pointless. So he’s certainly not rejecting you. He has nothing to offer

I understand we can’t control what we feel. But try to think logically so you don’t feel upset about this bozo

Good for you! I’m proud of how far you’ve come along. Do you have specific videos about this concept you can share? About the trauma of rejection? I can also search myself. But I’d love to watch the one you’re talking about.

Here is a good place to start, Dr. Ramani.

Thanks... this is logical thinking, yes. And you are correct. I ended things because I wanted more than he was willing to give.

Thank you!!

I haven’t talked about this here yet, but in the last month I’ve met a man, slightly older than me in age. He’s also a huge live music fan and a photographer and videographer of bands. We’ve been hanging out a little here and there. He invited me a month ago to a private outdoor pool party. There was a live band. We had so much fun! Then yesterday he took me to a baseball game. And that was also a ton of fun! I don’t know him well yet but I’m interested in getting to know him.

Sounds good. Taking it slow and having fun. Good for you. By older to you mean he is like very old? 85? Otherwise she is just a number

He's 54, lol. Just a year older than me.

You said “slightly older in age” like it’s something to make a note of. A year age difference isn’t even fall into that category. Hahaha

Well, he's NOT younger, and that's a big change for me. The two men I've been involved with in recent years were both younger. I am glad he and I are around the same age, is what I mean.