Does this strike you as a bit strange?

Through Facebook, I was contacted by a somewhat distant relative. We've met a few times over the years, but really don't know each other at all. Facebook messages led to texts, which led to phone calls. The relative wants us to eventually get together for visits.

It's kind of nice. The person sounds good-natured. I like hearing from extended family. But I don't know what prompted this person to reach out. It seems kind of unusual to suddenly hear from someone, especially since we live very far from each other.

How does this strike you? Is this something that is trending due to people being on social media like Facebook, which seems to want to connect everyone to everyone else. Maybe Facebook suggested me to her as a possible friend?

Facebook is always making "friend" suggestions out of anyone they can tie to me as having mutual friends. So I do see distant relatives suggested. Often they're persons whom I "know of," but don't actually know.

I wonder how quick are you to try and connect with "friends" that Facebook suggests? Plus, I wonder why is Facebook so intent on trying to link us all up? Sometimes I wonder what is the "right" level of interaction with Facebook friends who are quite outside my circle of close family and friends? Any thoughts?

There is no right or wrong way to do anything. If you feel comfortable to interact with this relative, why not. But don’t feel obligated. I don’t connect with anyone on social media. I only use it for a few specific reasons. Not to make friends or reconnect with anyone.

But everything we do online is known to the vast land of internet. So I am sure things align no matter how private you want to be.

I once had a profile on Instagram with no picture and zero info in a profile and random screen name and all I did was following specific art. Wasn’t posting. Just looking. I was linked to a profile of a former classmate. After some deliberation how is it even possible for anyone to know we even know each other (live on the opposite side of the world and my profile had ZERO facts and we went to school together 40 years ago) I figured that it’s because I looked at art. She looks at art too. Likely same art. No mystery. But no privacy either

Sorry Rose. I don't "do" Facebook. I don't "do" any kind of social media.

Years ago I got an ail from a distant cousin after I did a DNA test. She was contacted by the testing company to inform her we were related. I replied to her email, but never heard from her again. Shrug.

I believe social media has contributed to people reaching out because it is easier to find people now.

My suggestion would be to do what you are comfortable with. If you want to correspond with this person go ahead, but remember all the internet safety stuff we've been taught.

Thank you both for your posts above. I'm really dumb about how this stuff works. You each have given examples of what I find unnerving - the way we're being watched more than we have any idea. Well, I guess you both do have an idea. I'm slowly learning.

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I worry too much.

Doesn’t seem strange. FB Will recommend friends of friends. I get many suggestions for people I have never met, but they are on someone else’s friends list. Very normal.

Don’t friend the person if you don’t want to. It’s up to you.

My family is spread out all across the country, so we love FB as a way to stay caught up with each other. It’s a nice and easy way to do that.

I’m on FB a great deal, but with people I know and get along with. Probably a few dozen people I know from family, work, church, chorus. I don’t get the people who have thousands of “friends” on FB. Talk about no boundaries!

Thanks, Artley. Facebook can be great. It has evolved over the years. I preferred how it was back 10 or more years ago.

I've gotten contacted by a number of long-lost people via facebook. So far, I have not replied. I don't know if I can articulate why...but my intuition is something like thinking that the long-lost past is best left in the past...

@Bill3 - thanks for your post. Knowing what you want to do is more important than being able to articulate a rationale. I'm perplexed. I don't know what I want to do.

Ideally, I'ld like to be welcoming. I love weddings and especially wakes before funerals, where I have made really meaningful discoveries of my extended family. But that's live, face to face. On media, I'm wary of setting a precedent of being open to a contact. I fear regretting it later. Right now I have this vague sense of having been kinda "stalked." That's not the right word, but I can't think of a more apt word. Some of what's been shared by my new contact has been slightly weird - a lot of negative talk about another mutual relative. This person seems to have abnormal boundaries. So, now, I'm trying to distance myself a bit, but I don't want to be hurtful to someone who's starting to come across as fragile. I'm thinking, "What did I get myself into?" I sort of committed to an eventual meet-up IRL, and I think maybe I should have held off on that.

I'm way far from this person's neck of the woods. But soon I'll be traveling to that area. I think my whereabouts are being "tracked," and that expectation of getting together will be hanging over me. I can be really naive about guarding myself socially. I feel stupid. Then I think, "What's the worst that can happen. Probably nothing awful."

Here, today was a major holiday. People I really wanted to hear from barely touched base with me, whilst my phone, for a week, keeps lighting up with notifications of new messages from this new friend.

I spend too much time alone. Always have. Navigating socially confuses me.

Rose, why not give yourself a few days to decide what you want to do? For me sometimes letting things sit on a back burner allows what I want to bubble to the surface.

Some of what you mention (negative talk about relative, sending a ton of emails) is concerning.

@Billl - I totally agree with what you had to say. I was on Facebook one time and I quit it after only two weeks. I was hoping to be contacted by some great long-lost friend but it didn't happen. I got contacted by a former classmate from h.s. who had contacted lots of others. I didn't want to have contact with anyone from there. And then when I looked on the profiles, it brought back unpleasant memories.

To Rose - Something tells me that person who contacted you might want to get together to sell you something. It's not a sure bet, but it seems like a possibility. I had that happen to me one time from an acquaintance from the past. I liked what Lizardlady suggested to you. That's how I would like to handle something like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76 Through Facebook, I was contacted by a somewhat distant relative. We've met a few times over the years, but really don't know each other at all. Facebook messages led to texts, which led to phone calls. The relative wants us to eventually get together for visits. It's kind of nice. The person sounds good-natured. I like hearing from extended family. But I don't know what prompted this person to reach out. It seems kind of unusual to suddenly hear from someone, especially since we live very far from each other. How does this strike you? Is this something that is trending due to people being on social media like Facebook, which seems to want to connect everyone to everyone else. Maybe Facebook suggested me to her as a possible friend? Facebook is always making "friend" suggestions out of anyone they can tie to me as having mutual friends. So I do see distant relatives suggested. Often they're persons whom I "know of," but don't actually know. I wonder how quick are you to try and connect with "friends" that Facebook suggests? Plus, I wonder why is Facebook so intent on trying to link us all up? Sometimes I wonder what is the "right" level of interaction with Facebook friends who are quite outside my circle of close family and friends? Any thoughts?

Found with me, sometimes people search out last names & see who comes up & if it might me distant relatives. Had someone do that with my last name but it was my married name so definitely NOT a relative. Had an acquaintance from high school/college I didn't really remember until after we talked for awhile then memories of why we weren't friends came to light. Kinda a thing that people do with FB, not FB itself. FB queues off of common friends usually to suggest friend requests.

That's a great approach, which I've used in the past and was glad I did. I'm not initiating anything with this person. Her text yesterday said she would contact me in a week. I don't know for what?

Thanks for understanding the "concerning" aspect. The negative talk is quite off-putting. Another relative I was just talking to warned me that this person is "needy."

I'm going to have to stiffen my spine and not get drawn into a quagmire of stressful interaction.

@will19 - those are good points. You know, I felt the same way about not wanting my info going out to everyone I went to high school with. For the reason, I stripped my Facebook page of everything I could possibly remove. I don't list schools or emoloyers or relationship status or anything. Those people who I want for friends already know all that stuff. Nobidy else has any reason to care. I hate that Facebook shops around my identity to all these random people who happen to have some connection to someone I have a connection to. I've adjusted all the settings to the maximum level of privacy.

You really do have to wonder about ulterior motives.

Thanks. Maybe that explains a few friend requests I got from people whom I did not remember from anywhere. I ignore those.

Facebook does base suggestions on common friends, but I don't like that either. Of course, I needn't act on those suggestions.

Today I got another "blast from the past." Not on FB. It was a regular phone call. This was a co-worker I got friendly with in 2002. We worked closely for a year. We had lunch together a few times. Then she moved to another state, and we list contact.
Three years ago, she called me. She's a lot older and sounded like she had gotten a bit senile. It sounded to me like she might be a candidate for a care facility, as she also detailed serious medical issues. Now, 3 years later, I get a call from her. It sounds like she is back in my area and is couch surfing around. She asked if my landlord had any vacant apartments. She asked if I knew anyone looking for a roommate . . . and how many bedrooms did I have? Slow though I may be, I could see where this conversation was headed. So I wished her well and concluded the chat. I think she's basically homeless. She promised to call me again soon.

When I worked with her, it was on a healthcare assignment, and I thought she was one of the kindest, most caring persons I'ld ever met. That's why I welcomed her friendship. I'ld still gladly do anything to help her. I think she needs a social worker to help her find placement in the community, either in a facility or in a senior complex apartment. But I also know she can be extremely stubborn. I would gladly assist her to get the social services support she needs, which I happen to know a good deal about. However, I fear she would just want to glom on to me in a very clingy fashion and not accept the appropriate arrangements that could be made for her.

As I've been writing this, it has helped me see more clearly how this could morph into a stressful entanglement for me.

I've added this post to this thread because I see a pattern here. Needy people connect with me and find me sympathetic. Then they don't want to let go. Not that I'm wanting to reject them, but I don't want to to be clung to in a way that becomes just too much.

I recall now that I had a past thread somewhat in this vein. I have to develop more skill in handling individuals who get drawn to me, but simply want too much. I feel like it's my fault that I acted too open and too sympathetic in the beginning, and I misled them into hoping that I could be their "rock." Another possibility is that I just strike people as being some kind of a sucker. I hate to look at it that way, but I don't think these types of persons are totally innocent victims of life. They have boatloads of problems that they've created for themselves. I have to stiffen my spine. Today this lady kept me on the phone for way too long because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. That's me letting myself be controlled inappropriately. I have to up my skills in these scenarios.

I got phone calls from both the individuals I described above. I just didn't answer. Next came texts, asking I call when I can. I feel I owe them each a response. I'm putting that off, but I feel I probably will return the calls. I don't know what I'm going to say. This shouldn't feel so difficult.

The truth is that they each have troubled lives and want solutions to problems. They're turning to me, and I've got nothing for them. I think I need to simply say that. "Gee, you have some problems, and I don't know how you will get them solved." Then I'll just shut up. They each want to talk and talk and talk about having a problem. Yet, they aren't interested in logical problem solving. Maybe I'll say, "What do you want to do to change things?" I'll be a broken record. Then they won't want to call me anymore.

Well, writing this post has helped me think things through better than I had.

What makes you feel that you owe them a response?

Good question. It's because of how friendly and engaging I was on their initial calls. I allowed the calls to go on at length. I think I was being kind of phoney in acting a lot more interested in their stories than I was. I feel I misled them into thinking I was open to more of a connection. If I just ignore them now, that seems too cruel. They're not bad persons. They seem lonely. I'm not going to make that my problem. But I'ld like to not see them feel they made fools of themselves. I guess that's not my problem either. I told both of them that we'ld talk again soon. So I feel kind of committed. Next call, I better not offer anything. One has to be careful of the precedents one sets. I wasn't. So I feel I led them into having expectations.

I got another call from the person I first described. She was telling me all the things we can do together when I'm visiting my immediate family. She wants us all to get together. Then she wants me to stay at her house, and she wants for her and me to do this and do that. I told her I was having a health issue and might have to cancel my trip. I'm not sure I want her to even know when I'm in her area. I really screwed up by not having much better *boundaries* when she first contacted me. I just never dreamed she would be this forward. It feels like I'm being stalked.

Example: last week she called one evening. After her chatting for quite a while, I said I had a meeting to go to and needed to get going. So she said I could call her when I got back home from that. So I said I would probably be tired by that time. A few days later, she's sending texts, saying we need to talk soon. So I said I was sick and resting. A few days after that, I get another text asking how I'm feeling and how she'ld love another chat soon. So last night I got another call. There's something weird about me suddenly being the focus of this much attention from someone I really don't know. I think I'll limit future phone calls to a certain length of time. I guess I'll figure other ways to establish a certain distance between us. It feels like trying to put toothpaste back in a tube.

I call this being a place-holder friend. It's like you have a role to fill for the other person, but really anybody would do. You arent uniquely qualified. Someone once told me i was her Thursday friend, so she wasnt alone on thursdays. Really?? Guess what? No, im not.

Some people want and like this. They prefer it to being alone. I need a good reason to give up my peace and solitude.

@unaluna - This gal contacted me without knowing me from a hole in the wall. All I can remember is that we both attended the same wedding of a mutual relative a very long time ago. Also, I think I bumped into her at a funeral. So you're right about there not being anything special about me that lured her. We weren't previously in each other's company long enough to know one another. I don't have a sparkling personality that would readily make an impact on others at a social event. I also wonder, "Why now?" - when those events were over 15 years ago? Plus, I live at the opposite end of the country.

It truly does seem that this person is attempting to fill a void, though she mentions having friends and other relatives that she seems involved with. Also she is in a stable, longterm relationship. She has no kids, which may leave her with spare time on her hands.

I'm kind of a loner, which sorta suits me. She sounds very friendly. Some people seem to need constant contact with others, as if being alone is to be avoided at all cost. I tend to be a sympathetic listener, or so I'm told. I tend to attract others who seem very hungry to be listened to. They usually have sad stories to share about how they've been let down in life. They sound like they need to be in therapy. I've got to stop seeming so available, as a shoulder. For that, I blame myself . . . that I give off the impression that I've got nothing better to do.

If it was a mistake to give her/them a lot of time, you are allowed to correct the mistake by giving them a lot less time, or no time, in the future. You are not locked in, forever, because of that mistake.

I myself would be especially wary of the one who wants you to stay with her when you see family. I myself would stay far away from her. In my view. that was way too much closeness being proposed for what your relationship with her was before her "love bombing" began. If she gets upset, so be it, she gets upset.

@Bill3 - Thanks for your post. I think you're right. I have to stop thinking that "I set a precedent" that somehow obligates me.

One idea that helps me a bit is considering that this may not represent total innocent friendliness on her part. She wasn't born yesterday. She may sense that I feel kind of stuck being receptive to these advances . . . and she's taking advantage of that. I'm probably not the first person she has "love bombed." If I disappoint her, she's probably been through that before, but just won't give up this strategy of expanding her social contacts.

Now I have the second person to deal with. I did promise her a phone call. I'll make it, but not offer any extending commitments. I have a headache now.