How to read/decipher hard to read social cues & hints

I can read & detect the most obvious ones. Example m, someone looks at a watch or phone. They need to go soon or are bored

However, it is difficult me to read & get more subtle hints. Example: I’m almost never certain if I should contact a new aquaintence again after meeting them or not.

I have to rely on my intuition more than the b.s they say now. What’s the most confusing is when thet try to make plans with you or ask you to contact them then blow you off. Weird!

Especially if all thet say is that it was nice to meet me. Part of me think it’s a polite blow off, but part of me tries to contact them if we had a good conversation. I figure if they didn’t like me that much, they could’ve left sooner. Then I never hear from some of them again or I get the ‘I’m’ busy excuse a few times before giving up.

One former friend would always rudely interrupt me on the phone. I asked hee why she did that. She told me that it was a ‘hint’ & that it was less ‘rude’ than telling me than I was being to ‘longwinded’ even when I barely said anything! I told her that was rude & to stop, but she rarely did.

She’d also redirect the conversation a lot when she didn’t want to listen to something I had to say she said.

It’s like there are all of these unwritten rules that are difficult to impossible to understand. Would anyone on here even get the rude interruption as a hint to stop talking? Ugh!

I’d appreciate any tips on how to decipher b.s more easily, lol 😆 Why do so many people lie & say things they don’t mean & act fake? It’s not really being polite at all to me. There’s no need to be rude, but it’s rude to say things that you don’t mean.

"It was nice to meet you" is not a "blow-off" in the sense that the other person is hoping they never see you again. They are just saying it was pleasant having crossed paths with you; you may have added to their total life experience in some way.

It is not passing judgment on who you are. It could be said to a dog or a king. It IS acknowledging that you only met, and it was nice. It says nothing about the future.

Really it is just something people say as a goodbye salutation, the opposite of hello how are you. They might even say it like in a wedding receiving line, say if you have never met the groom's parents before.

Also, there are joke threads on this site. You might want to post jokes here. Sending a joke and expecting a response when there is an outstanding request, or a recently rejected request, seems passive aggressive to me. Its like you are taunting them saying, "oh c'mon, are you 'too busy' to acknowledge a little joke?" Or like a kid going mom mom mom mom

We have all had to learn these cues the hard way, believe me. There is no easy way. But this site (the people on it) can help you if you let it/them.

I’ll just respond to a few of your questions and observations.

You said: “Example: I’m almost never certain if I should contact a new aquaintence again after meeting them or not.”

My response: I am not one to try to quickly make contact with a new acquaintance. Instead, I give it time. After we’ve gotten to know each other through whatever forum we interact, down the road if we’re truly meshing, then I find we mutually and very naturally make plans at that point. It can take time and many exposures to a person before you can truly get a good sense for who they are and whether you really want more contact with them. Perhaps one problem you are experiencing is that many people want time to even decide if they are interested in knowing your further, while you seem to jump right into wanting more contact. Most people don’t move that quickly.

You said: I have to rely on my intuition more than the b.s they say now. What’s the most confusing is when thet try to make plans with you or ask you to contact them then blow you off. Weird!

My response: You call it b.s (which honestly sounds pretty judgmental since your premise is that you don’t know what they are thinking — just an observation). Perhaps your intuition they they are lying is off. It may be that there is a reason they haven’t gotten back to you. If a person does initiate a plan to get together with you but it falls through, what most people would do is just give them a quick contact and ask if it’s still in the works AND if they say no, we say something like, “Okay, sorry our plans fell through. If you want to try later, you have my number,” and we let it go. I mean, sometimes with people I truly enjoy, we’ll talk about wanting/needing to get together sometime, but the reality of our busy lives often means those ideas don’t come to fruition. We don’t resent each other for that. We completely realize we liked the idea of a get-together, but life is often too busy.

As far as conversations go, I find that sometimes the other person just needs time to be heard, and I am perfectly okay being a good listener. Generally, down the road a moment will arise when that person will reciprocate the favor and the discussion will focus on me. But most of the time, I don’t engage in deep and intense discussions with acquaintances. I reserve those heavy talks for those very closest to me. Most people don’t really want to be a therapist. Similarly, I don’t want to be most people’s “therapist” either. There are a very few people (mostly relatives actually) who I have that kind of intense relationship with, but with most people our discussions are pretty limited to what we have in common (jobs, hobbies, kids), etc.

Is it possible you are expecting more from people than is comfortable for them. Generally, that’s a big turn off in new, less intimate relationships. Keep it light. Keep it positive. Keep it fun. (Particularly when just getting to know people.)

Finally, if you realize someone is not reciprocating contact or interest, it’s because they are not interested. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you, but it might mean while they think you’re okay, they don’t envision anything beyond very casual acquaintance. Let it go. You don’t have to know why. They honestly don’t have to tell you. It happens. We don’t always hit it off with someone, or we realize over time that we don’t see things as we initially thought we did. That’s not a judgment on your character (or theirs really). That’s just the nature of getting to know a person.

In all the time I’ve been on this forum, there have been many people with this same challenge. They’ve all said they wished there was a course that could teach this. I wish there was, too. This stuff is really hard to teach!

I learned to read subtle social cues throughout my whole life. Plus, I was raised by a parent who has a style of making me read between the lines to “mind read” what she wants from me. So, I think I am really good at this skill. And still, I am often left baffled about people’s behavior, just like you.

I kind of had a feeling that’s what ‘it was nice to see you’ really meant. It becomes confusing when they say let’s get together again & they never contact you or they keep making excuses if they don’t actually ignore you.

Then what’s worse is when people get upset or think that there’s something wrong with you for not being able to get the ‘hint’ when they make things confusing by encouraging you to contact them them they end uo making excuses, wth? lol 😆

Example, one passive aggressive friend would use the same period excuse every time. No one gets their period twice a month or more though, so stupid, lol 😆

I see what you’re saying. I don’t pressure people or expect much. I just don’t like it when people b.s & make lame excuses..

I had one lady say she contacted ed COVID at the last second which sounded weird. It’s possible, but still. I didn’t say anything. I just gave up on her as this is the second time she flaked.

I just don’t like it when people make weird excuses.. I’d ratger not hear back from them. One lady just had a second death in the family. It’s a possibility. Only time will tell what’s going on. A third death will sound like sn excuse tbh.

I don’t expect much accept to ne treated with respect & consideration. As for treating people lije a therapist, I don’t. Other people tend to trear ME like a therapist!

I don’t understand why I’m always expected to listen to them whine about themselves all the time & yet the second I mention anything about myself, I’m suddenly not being ‘supportive’, not neing ‘understanding’, being ‘whiny’ , ‘unreasonable’ ‘expecting to much’, etc…

I do mostly kerp things light. Most of the time people inisr about talking about their health issues & themselves mostly, ugh! I give up! People suck!

Sorry to hear about that parent who expected you to be a mind reader. I know the feeling. I’m probably going to give up on everyone soon, even online. Most people suck! I’m tired of constantly being blamed for everything too.

Yeah.

I appreciate the replies you’ve received, I struggle with this too. I prefer direct communication, it doesn’t have to be rude.

I think there are people who are direct communicators. For instance last week a friend I hadn’t seen for a long while told me I need to visit more often, and to ring first to check she’s in. I just wish more people were like that.

If people are new acquaintances it’s trickier but if you know them better it’s okay I think to say “I do better with direct communication, and I appreciate others using this” or some such thing.

Yes I get why you’re tired, sometimes a break is helpful.

It’s not just me then, good. I wish that more people were direct too. Being ‘polite’ & saying yes at first then saying no later is one thing I don’t get. It’s rude to literally cancel plans ar the last second. All of that could’ve been avoided with a direct no, I can’t go with you to that event or whatever, sorry.

Or no, I’m not interested in seeing that movie. I had to ask 3 of my indirect friends to please give me an answer as I wasn’t sure if they were interested in going to see this movie or not. They said nothing at first.

It’s like i was supposed to take the hint that no response equates no, lol. I don’t understand why people simply can’t say no thanks nicely. It’s not rude. It’ll hurt my feelings a lot less than being flaked on at the last second.

This lady I used to know thought it was rude to say no to anything at all! Even to playing a game! She ended up lecturing me to death about how I ‘hurt’ her other friends feelings by saying no to playing a game I hated.
Needless to say, I ended that toxic controlling friendship eventually.

Her friends didn’t seem upset. If they were, then they’re being ridiculous & childish! lol I was expected to make lame excuses & say, oh, maybe I’ll play that later or something like that, lol 😆

No is not a bad word. Apparently a lot of people, especially women seem to think that it’s a bad word.

Where do you normally find new acquaintances to socialize with? Are these people you meet in public through other friends or are they platforms online that are there to meet other people?

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Online 99% of the time.

I struggle with this too. I used to think it was easier to read people in real life because you see their faces or hear their tone of voice, plus note their actions. But even online my gut will tell me someone is full of bs. I've had people say "Oh honey I'd never do that to you" after sharing my experiences of being ghosted, only for them to turn around and do JUST THAT. Oddly, my gut told me "yeah right" when I saw that.

Like Discomb, I prefer direct communication. I've always wondered if it's something that can be taught or some people are just born hard wired to communicate well. I've been told I'm clear and articulate, yet come from a family where open, honest communication was non-existent. I think this is why this kind of thing is so triggering to me. Heck, I grew up with it. I've 61 so I've had DECADES of it.

Years ago I had a "friend" who kept telling me she was "busy" after coming to me for a big favor. In hindsight, she just wanted something from me. And I got burned by her twice, as I made the mistake of reconnecting with her when I thought she was sincere about that.

That "nice to meet you" is just like that bs we say "How are you?" (a pet peeve of mine). It's trite stuff that may or may not mean anything. I say what I mean and mean what I say (that's similar to a line from an old song, The Games People Play, I love that song) but it seems people do not. Like you I have to rely on my gut more than what they say.

I won't tolerate anyone interrupting me or talking over me. I've said "I'm talking" and they shut up QUICKLY. I was taught it's rude to interrupt, maybe it's not taught anymore.

People do suck and it's so much work to try to read between the lines, instead of them just saying what they mean. It would save BOTH parties a lot of grief.

There's a loneliness epidemic in many countries now, even before COVID. Yet people still behave this way. We are social creatures, so it's normal to want to connect. It's how we survived thousands of years: Other humans. Then the roughly last 3 years we were told to isolate. I'm still recovering from it.

Many years ago, in the 80's, I had a pen pal around my age. I never met her or talked on the phone either. Initially we had a lot in common. But once she got married and had kids, it was all she talked about. We had less in common and it got harder to correspond. We amicably agreed about that and decided to stop writing, wishing each other well.

If only all relationships or communication were like that.

Currently I talk to just one person. I'm not sure if I want to explore Meet Ups, maybe I will with a grain of salt. Or a POUND of it. It's certainly a risk, that I'll just get more bs. I don't want to drive far or deal with traffic/parking for THAT. So I hope there's something really local. But given my experiences, online and in real life, I tread carefully. Right now I don't have the emotional energy to actually go to any of them, but I just might browse.

I understand hiw you feel. I often feel the same way about things. A lot of people b.s & say things they don’t mean ot seems like. I hate that. I tend to be more straightforward tgan most people. Some people don’t like that. I think.

I don’t think it’s ‘polite’ to make lame excuses & lie about wanting to hang out again when you have no intention of ever seeing that person again.

It’s even worse to agree to meet someone then literally fkake out at the last minute. I’m probably going to completely give up on even trying to meet new people or even try to intiate plans with my current crappy friends anymore. People suck.

Yeah I've been told since I was a kid that I can be too blunt or honest. Maybe I'm on the extreme end of the spectrum, but it's such as waste of time and energy for everyone involved if there's no honest communication. I've been getting better at being more diplomatic over the years, but I'm still someone who doesn't beat around the bush.

It's definitely not polite to make lame excuses. And I see right through them since it's the same ones all the time. How many of these people can really break or lose their phone? What a coincidence.

Have you or anyone on this thread ever tried Meetups? I did a little research and read reviews. As expected, it's mixed as some people like it and some don't. But I've found mostly bad stuff. I didn't know it was international either. Anyway I have misgivings.

For one thing, I don't want to create yet another username and password. And on that note, some people said there's so many bugs in the software, such as pages not refreshing or error messages and such. I certainly don't need more frustration, as people are enough. Don't bring technology into it!

Some of them don't even say WHERE they meet and some have a different location each month. I browsed a few book clubs and same problem: WHERE and how often do they meet? I might have to log in to view the information. In a way I can understand why they want to keep that private unless someone is sincere about joining. But it's a Catch 22 for me because I'm not going to drive that far. It's all such a big risk and I COULD go through the same bs I've been going through.

You're right that people suck. They really do. Years ago someone told me to stop banging my head on here. Well it's really expressive of how I feel, especially about people. So here I go:

Maybe I’m to honest & direct for most people. I’ve noticed that a lot of people tend to b.s & say things that they don’t mean. Like let’s get together again or I’ll think about it & then you never hear from them again or they never give you a direct answer to whatever they were ‘thinking about’ instead of saying not interested directly. It seems like most people are afraid to say the word no or not interested which is ridiculous!

It seems like almost no one wants to tell you no or be honest with most things. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why that is. I definitely don’t understand why some people think it’s better to say yes to something they know they’ll say no to later. It makes no sense to me at all.

It’s rude & disrespectful behaviour. It seems like other people expect me to be a mind reader, lol 😆 Then they act like I’m the problem when I don’t understand what the hell they were trying to tell me indirectly, lol 😆

Whatever! Ugh! Most people suck! I give up on even trying anymore! It’s to annoying & stressful!

I don’t like meetup btw. I almost always get ignored. It’s cliquey & meetups get cancelled often too. I even got kicked out of a few meetups for no paticular reason. Even ones I didn’t attend! Wth? lol 😆

I think I am too. Gosh I still remember when I was 10 or so and someone complained to the teacher about me being too honest or something. That was 50 years ago at least, I've been mellowed since then lol. But still don't beat about the bush.

I admit at one time I couldn't say no, but I was much younger, a kid or at least in my teens. It's no trouble now. I asked an acquaintance if she'd mind texting now and then (I'm so sick of only getting scam texts, though I didn't tell her this. I didn't want to be accused of being "needy").

She said talking on the phone once a week works okay and she gets so many work related messages. I appreciated her honesty, even if it's disappointing. It's better than saying yes and not responding to my messages. And this is someone who started calling me in 2020, as a volunteer to isolated seniors at home. And she still wanted to keep talking, even after they ended the program. I wish it was more often but I'm glad she's talking to me at all. She's the only one. I never met her.

Thanks for your opinion on MeetUp. I'm not pushing this on you or anyone; I just wanted to hear what anyone's experiences have been, if they tried it. It gets so much hype. I read so many negative reviews, but then again everyone may not have posted their experience. The tech thing makes me anxious, as it doesn't always work the way it should. Like you said if you don't get the notice of a cancellation or they change location at the last minute or something. I did read how some people got kicked out too. I think the odds are not in my favor. And it's a LOT to go through for those odds. Some groups want a photo. Wtf? Why should that matter, what do I look like?? To recognize me?

I've looked at just plain book clubs since I like to read, but the ones that are local don't say where they meet. I probably have to log in to see that. Also I'm afraid I'll get the same bs in the senior center book club, where the same people dominate the discussion. Or they go off on tangents that have nothing to do with the book! That's why I come there. I know "nothing ventured, nothing gained" but right now I'm out of gas. (To use the analogy of a car out of gas. It won't run.)

Are you on the autistic spectrum? That makes socual cues much harder to grasp. With therapy & work at it, it can improve but finding a good T who understands & knows how to help is the key.

I grew up with a dad who was clueless socially (possibly on the spectrum but long before it was ever something diagnosed cause I grew up in the 50's & 60's). Then I got married to someone who was just like my dad except with a college degree. I had to work at social cues because what I lived with for 54 years didn't reinforce the ability. It took work & focused awareness & mindfulness to grow into that ability & counter what I had lived with for so many years.