My friend is acting weird. Why is she acting like this?

I’ve talked about this one friend before who is not a part of my friend group that I also have issue with.. I’ve known her for 5 years I think. She ised to initiate plans with me, but she hasn’t intiated ANY plans for months. It’s been at least 6 months or more since she last invited me anywhere.

She confuses me since she says she cares about me & as far as U know, she doesn’t have any real issues with me. She only hinted at having to drive to my place to often. I was taken aback by that as I offered to see her where she lives, but since she is usually offering to drive to my area or meet me here since she works here, then I didn’t think that she has any issues with anything.

I did tell her to let me know if she wanted me to meet her where she lives more often. Anyways, she expressed interest in wanting to get a hotel & go out to dinner & a club around my birthday or after it.

It’s on the 4th of July. I asked her when she’d be free to go oit & she said she’s busy now & her sister’s birthday is coming up too.

Her & her husband took me out to dinner in the past. I’m no longer expecting that. She gave me a small early gift & that’s it. It’s obvious she downgraded the friendship.

She acts like she cares with her words., but her actions tell a different story. She uses the ‘I’m busy’ excuse to often. She even said that she’s working at home on the weekends now. I don’t know if that’s true or not or if it’s an excuse.

I don’t bother her all the time. I don’t text, call or message her that often. I’m starting to feel that even contacting her once every two weeks or more is still ‘excessive’ for her, idk. I told her that if she beeds spwce to let me know.

I dont know if this has anything to do with her behavior, but she’s a people pleaser who’s trying to set better boundaries.

And she doesn’t like discussing sny issues as she thinks that discussing anything that’s remotely‘negative’ or ‘unpleasant’ is ‘starting drama’. She tild me that she didn’t want to talk a out a toxic user leech that we used to be friends with one time. She did at another time on her terms though when she felt like talking about her.

I feel dismissed, disrespected & ignored. She keeps giving me ‘the I’ll think about it’ or ‘I’m busy’ excuse a lot instead of saying no or not interested.

Why? I never gave her a hard time for saying no,. Why can’t she be more honest & direct with me? I told her that I can handle a no answer.

Also, she kept telling me that she’d introduce me to her sister for 5 years & that never happened as her sistee is amways busy. Why would she say things she doesn’t mean? She did this with a job offer as her assistant too. I took her seriously ar first, but I got no real job description or interview or even asked for a resume! Wth?

What’s wrong with her? I don’t understand her! Is she doing the slow fade on me maybe?

The only reason why she might be uoset with me that I onow of is because I stopped talking to this toxic mooch she used to be friends with. I think she was upset that trying to pawn off that leech on me would make me contact her less. She was like, I thought she’d be perfect for you as you two live close to each other.

She seemed disappointed that things didn’t work out even though she herself stopped talking to that user. Weird! Why would she become more distant for no particular reason?

This person is not a friend. My impression is that she is avoiding being direct because that would mean she would have to tell you the truth, and she does not want to. Sounds to me like she is being indirect to push you away, which is sometimes hard to identify. But I'd say you've realized that - she is not investing in a friendship with you.

Sometimes people just distance themselves from other people and there doesn’t even have to be a reason. Although she did give you a reason that she’s busy, but you think she’s lying. I don’t know. I’d say anyone with a job and a husband is reasonably busy. There’s only that much time to see friends

Do you reciprocate taking her and her husband to dinners on their birthdays? If you don’t, perhaps she feels she should stop too.

I have a friend who takes me and i take her to dinner for birthdays and I have a very old friend with whom we exchange gifts but I don’t do anything for my other friends’ birthdays and they don’t do anything for me except saying happy birthday. I’d expect my husband to do something for my birthday but not a friend and her husband.

Honestly it just sounds like acquittance who moved on with her life. She’s not very invested as a previous poster said

Perhaps you’re right about what you said. What I’m confused about though ilis that she agreed to go to a few concerts with me in the past few months. We always had fun at them.

I always paid her back each time immediately. I don’t have good credit, so she has to get the tickets. I’m a good friend. I listen to her & we always have fun when we hang out together.

She has told me that there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m a good person, that I’m fun, she likes me, etc. But then she treats me like this? I don’t get it.

I’m very hurt & confused by her behavior & I messaged her earlier today explain everything as best as I could.

Why would she even bother going to converts with me if she didn’t want to heng out with me? She didn’t even know about most of these bands before I told her about them.

Maybe there is something genuinely going on in her life and she does not want to tell you about it. It's hard... I can see why you are getting mixed signals.

Please see my above reply
to the first poster. I dont want to type everything again. Like I said, she is confusing the hell out of me. She says she cates about me, that I’m a good friend, that I’m fun, a good person, and that there’s nothing wrong with me, she gets me, etc, but then she tries to ignore me most of the time.

I understand that she gets busy, we all do, but this has been an issue for the last few years. I think that people use it as an excuse when they want to avoid someone.

I don’t bother her that often. I only contact her every two or three weeks. We did take her out before for her birthday. I gave her a nice gift that she claimed she liked. She stopped taking me out first. It’s not a big deal, but it signifies a change in our friendship to me.

It’s like I’m not as important as I thought sed to be. It bothers me when people say that they want to do something & then you find put later they didn’t mean amy of it probably.

It was like she didn’t want to day no & disappoint me to my face. Maybe she was hoping I’d forget about things. Idk. What do you think of that? I’m obviously bad at reading people.

I’ve been a good friend to her. I know that she’s meeting other women for friendship. I don’t mind that, but maybe she doesn’t really need me as much anymore.

She should’ve told me that she wanted me to come see her more often if that was an issue. I did offer to see her a few times . We often meet closer to whete I live as there isn’t much to do in her area.

I always offered her gas money when we went out. I was a good friend & my only bad quality was maybe complaining a little to much about some things. She never seemed to mind anything to much though. I’m f she had any issues, then she should’ve said something to me.

She complained about things too. We mostly had fin though & she vented way more than I did usually. I’m so sick of being treated like I don’t matter, ignored, dismissed, and like I’m disposable.

I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me . I dont deserve this. I wouldn’t dump a friend just for having a few issues and they were mostly good to me usually.

If she neefs space, she shpuld tell me. If she’s not interested in doing, something, she should tell me . I told her that in a message today & how I felt like she was doing the slow fade & if I did or said anything to upset her, I’d like to know about it.

She tends to avoid talking about issues sometimes I noticed as she doesn’t like ‘dealing with any drama’.

Is that a part of people pleasing behaviour? I’m very confused as she still sends me hokes & we went to a few concerts together. We’re going to one again in October. We always have fun together. I always pay her back right away.

I don’t understand her ar all. Why is she acting OK sometimes & ignoring me at other times? I’m not sure if she’s lying or not about work, but not introducing me to her sister &.not being serious about the job offer she keeps talking about is weird.

She shouldn’t be talking about things like that when she has no intention of falling through with anything. It makes no sense to me at all.

She’s been doing this for 5 years so far. She seems like a good friend in other regards aside from what I mentioned. Weird!

I’m even more depressed now. I give up on even trying to make friends anymore. I’m obviously not a likeable person & no one likes or cares about me that much.

Btw, she has ignored two women who she felt overwhelmed by that I know of. One of them wrote nobels for emails & talked about herself to much. The other one used her for free meals & movie tickets. She said nothing to them other than she’s always busy.

So I think she might be annoyed by me too but she doesn’t want to say what it is exactly. All that I can tell frim what she told me so far is that I need to drive to her place mote often or meet her halfway.

She has almost always offered to pick me up or drive though. And maybe she’s tired of hearing about some things even though she doesn’t say it exactly.

I listen to her talk though. It’s like I can’t just say whatever I feel like anymore & it sucks. I thought that she was suppportive & non judgemental, but maybe be I’m wrong about that.

She did kind of lecture me about how she was treated badly & abused but she worked hard & went to school & got a degree anyways. I can’t do what she does. I don’t have money or support from anyone at all.

I’m not that smart either I tried taking classes in computer ls & dropped out because I wasn’t getting anything unlike everyone else.

I wish that I would’ve krpt most of my personal business to myself as even people who seem no ln judgemental are still judgemental in some ways of other people.

I wonder if she resents me in some wat or thinks of me as being weak or lazy now for not being able to work despite my many disabilities?

Also, her husband might’ve said something to influence her negatively. He seems like he likes me, but you never know.

I have to agree that she is not really a true friend to you. She is very dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings. She sounds like a horrible person to me. Pawning off a mooch to you, so that you’d spend time with that toxic person instead of her? That is so weird!

There is always a reason when these fair weather friend types become more distant with friends they “use.” She doesn’t sound like she is worth worrying about, especially since she’s not part of your close knit friend group anymore.

I don’t like her attitude towards negative emotions being labeled “drama.” She sounds very superficial and emotionally immature to me. Negative emotions like sadness and anger, frustration and depression, anxiety and worry are part of the human condition. It’s not “starting drama” to set a boundary with someone (per my other thread for example), or to want to tell someone how their actions make you feel. She sounds very silly to me.

She keeps turning down your invitations to hang out, so I would stop asking her to hang out at this point. If she wanted to spend time with you, she wouldn’t make up excuses.

I would stop talking to her altogether and focus on your circle of real friends instead.

Maybe. Hopefully it’s not me.

Thanks. I agree with everything that you said. As for the toxic mooch, she was hanging out with us both at first. She did feel sorry for her. And in a sick way, thet enabled each other.

I actually warned her about that user but she told me that she didn’t want to talk about things or something like that. Fast forward to now & she admitted that woman is a liar & a user.

She’s a people pleaser. I think she thought she was doing me a favor & the moich too as she had no friends period. I can see why now. Everything was always about her.

She didn’t have the guts to just stop hanging out with her until now. Even now she just says she’s’ ‘to busy’ to her when she texts her still. I think that she’s afraid of hurting other people’s feelings or confrontation’.

I don’t understand her at all. She seems OK sometimes then distant at other times. Weird!

I agree with what you said about not wanting to discuss normal feelings. I think she has an avoidant personality.

Maybe. Only time will tell what’s going on for sure. I’ll definitely have a face to face conversation with her next time, but since she tend to avoid ‘drama’, I can’t announce it beforehand, lol 😆

It sounds that she’s ok with occasional concert going or some other outings, but is not up to intense close friendship with frequent interactions. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.

Even if a person spends all their free time with friends and ignores everything else in their lives, it’s still not possible to devote significant time to each friend. It sounds that she likes time with you but wants to see other friends and likely has other obligations too .

In your opinion what would be appropriate amount of hanging out and interacting with each friend?

From the way you describe her, she doesn’t seem to care about other people’s feelings at all. Like, she tells people what SHE thinks that they want to hear. And, most of the time, people can see right through her lies and do nothing bc they must know on some level, she can’t be held accountable for her lies because she doesn’t care.

So, since you know she’s “fake,” then that should make you feel less attached to her. People like her just go on with their lives, not caring who they hurt with their lies. I know women like her.

She isn’t worth your time. Don’t give her a second look. She’s superficial, won’t let anyone hold her accountable for her actions, and she tells people what they want to hear because that’s who she is at her core.

It really is a waste of your time to try to get her to be honest with you or anyone else. She just doesn’t care enough to respect your feelings. She’s not worth your time.

Possibly. You might be right about everything. What bothers me is that we used to hang out more & she used to take me out for my birthday.

Obviously things have changed. I’m not sure why that is. I don’t seem to be as important to her anymore. Not going out for my birthday isn’t the issue. It’s the more distant behavior that’s the issue. The knowing that I’ve been downgraded.

We didn’t hang out all the time, but she’d at least intiate plans sometimes. The last time she invited me anywhere was at least 6 or more months ago. Again, weird!

Sometimes I think she wants me to not contact her at all for awhile . Maybe I’ll do that. Funny thing though is she sends me lane jokes that I pretend to like once a week usually.

I shouldn’t be doing ALL of the intiating! She does say yes to hanging out with me most of the time though.

She’s more hesitant to spend time or money going anywhere now to where we’ll be spending more than a few hours together for some reason. Hence the ‘I’ll think about it then ignore me sometimes b.s’.

We used to take weekend trips once or twice a year. We’d split the cost of a room & gas. She never complained about anything.

I’d rather have her say sorry, no, I’m not interested. And this issue she has with always saying she’ll introduce me to her sister but then has yer to fo it for over 5 years is bizarre!

I never even asked the meet her! I don’t get people ar all! Her behavior is weird sometimes!

I think a decent amount of time to spend with her is once a month at least. I’m lucky if I see her more than that as she’s usually to busy’ to go out.

Once a month would be fine if you are her only friend. When people have family and jobs and hobbies and other friends, once a month might not be reasonable. Like if she has other friends besides you, she’d need to see friends every weekend and it’s just not realistic for a married employed people.

Have you tried to develop hobbies that would take your time and energy and you won’t need as much from other people? Drawing? Knitting? Photography? Cooking? Anything?

It sounds like at the core this might be about expectations, you are saying you’d like to meet up once a month but she seems like she feels differently?

I’ve got to say there’s none of my friends I see as often as once a month, in fact one of my dearest friends I only see a couple of times a year but that’s okay with both of us. It’s whether your expectations match or not I’d say and whether you’re prepared to compromise and accept seeing her less.

She doesn’t sound like a direct communicator and I understand that can be frustrating because you sound like a more direct communicator. So there seems like a mismatch in communication styles too. Again you can’t really change that, although there’s some phrases you can use such as asking directly “What works best for you?” You may already be doing this however.

Thanks. I thought she was sincere. I knew she didn’t like hurting peoples feelings as she’s a people pleaser Maybe you’re right about her being a bit fake. Ironically she likes me because I’m not a phony, lol.

I have other friends & other hobbies too. Like I said, I’m upset that I’ve been downgraded for no apparent reason.

I’ll try to lower my expectations. I don’t understand why I’ve been downgraded though. I didn’t do anything wrong.

I sm a straightforward no b.s person She isn’t. She tends to be indirect at times. She has a hard time saying no directly I’ve noticed.

I am glad that you have other things in your life. It’s just your expectations of her seeing you at least once a month sounds like you are relying on her for your social life, is unrealistic.

I don’t know why you say she has hard time saying no. She told you she’s busy. Being busy could mean laying on a couch watching tv. She has rights to be busy with whatever else. Also people don’t need a reason to lose interest. Sometimes they just do.

And maybe she became overwhelmed with high demands and expectations. Sure if that’s the case maybe it would be better she spoke up directly but who wants a fight? Last time a friend spoke to you directly, it resulted in a blow out fight. Maybe she’s avoiding it and just keeps it low key.

I still think you would benefit from finding things to stay busy. It’s admirable that you are seeking friendships but you might need more than that. Or you might need to look for friends who have lots of free time

No I’m quite sure you didn’t do anything wrong. She’s likely downgraded the friendship for reasons beyond your control. It can be hurtful when you feel invested in a friendship for this to happen, it can feel like rejection. The good news though is that she’s still in touch and you’re still friends, the door is still open. I think it’s normal for friendships to have closer and less close phases. I find it helpful to think that way about it anyway.

Do you feel like this experience and ones like it trigger feelings of rejection from an earlier part of your life? I’m asking because that has happened to me before.