online relationships--are they real?

I am sufferng with the end of an online relationship, not romantic. It started on a support board on another site. She is very supportive there and has been there for about 5 years or so. From very therapy-like support (this person has a doctorate in psychology but isn't a therapist) it shifted to writing daily about daily things in life. She told me about bathing her cat, books she read, busniess concerns, travel, etc. There were times she posted to me just a short not to say she was thinking of me and hoped I had a good day and Goodnight. This person felt motherly to me at first, then if felt like writing to a beloved aunt or something like that.

I recently referred to this relationship as a kind of friendship. At the same time I knew I needed more time away from the computer and suggested correspondnig less frequently. This began the end. In a short week it was all over. She was offended or angry about my calling our 'relationship' a friendship and states she does not provide friendship or social relationships there. Daily corresponding to nothing.

I am devastated. Hurting beyond words. Daily corresponding, exchanging recipes, talking about our cats, telling about tavels and favorite book authors...... I know it wasn't a friendship IRL but it was a close relationship. She often referred to the bond we have/had.

Now she's gone. All I wanted to do was to write less often, focus more on real life things, get away from the computer.

I am just in so much pain. I feel like she pushed me out of the room and slammed the door in my face. She always and still says I matter to her. But I don't feel that. I just feel pain.

Am I nuts? Wasn't this a real relationship? Online and not IRL of course, but it was real, wasn't it?

Thank you for listening. If you have any words of wisdom or support, I would so appreciate them.

Hey (((((((((( Echoes )))))))))))

This sounds pretty distressing... from the impression I get, I think she might have misunderstood something along the way, or maybe you misunderstood it. I'm not sure how she could share personal info like that and then say it's not a friendship. Could you contact her again and say you're confused and you're not sure where it's gone wrong? I think if things can be clarified between you, your friendship/ relationship might be able to begin again, unless she's the kind of person who can't forgive...

Echoes, sounds like you suddenly became to real? You stated something that you wanted and that didn't tie in with whatever relationship was going on in her head? you know that old verse about seasons and reasons? Some people come into our life for a season, some for a reason and some come to stay..perhaps shes one of those?

Thank you both. I appreciate your reading and replying. I am in such pain as I've never known. We wrote every day for almost 3 years.

Well, I took the reins and posted a good-bye to her. I wanted the chance to thank her for all she's done. I needed to be the one to end it and I had begun that process but it didn't go the way I thought it would.

It's a hard relationship to explain. Motherly at first, so warm and nuturing. Then it was therapy really. Then for the last year or so it was just personal.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply . It means a lot to me right now.

I'm really sorry to hear that echoes, hopefully you will be able

to rekindled what you have lost. I used to think on-line relation

ships were for the birds. Then i found this site last may and

have become very close to people here. One who i usually speak

with on a daily basis. In todays world with computers and tech-

nology i feel relationships can and will happen via the computer.

My neighbor met her husband online and i hear more and more of

that everyday now. Well echoes take care and good luck, I hope

it works out for you. Peace to you...ziggy1

Echoes, can you go to the other site and write what you have written here explaining what you meant, if she is as understanding as she says she is it should help, it takes two don't think it's all your fault
gentle hugs {{{{ Echoes }}}}

I think it was a real relationship but she was not able to be as flexible as you are; couldn't see your needs in light of her own? I think she needed you as much as you enjoyed her. You both took what you enjoyed from the relationship but it sounds like she also needed the constancy of it.

Having a PhD doesn't necessarily a "together" person make! It's just schooling, not life experience. Some people are good at that. I believe we gain a whole lot more on boards like this and probably the other one you were on, interacting with each other, multiple people, than in other one-on-one relationships where we're locked into only one other person's and our own "fit" together.

I'm sorry the friendship ended like that. I know it has to be really painful after all those years investing in it.

{{{Echoes}}}

(( Thank you )) to all. You are very kind to me.

I posted a Good-bye and she replied similarly. Although the daily writing and relationship are gone, I asked about posting once in a while to her to say hello and she said of course. So I'm feeling better but still grieving immensely.

Thanks for all who supported me. I also believe that in today's world there are all kinds of friendships and I consider the people I write to online as friends.

Love you all who replied here and in PM's. xoxoxo

ECHOES it sounds like a friendship to me. If it walks like a duck, flies like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck!

I find it odd that she was offended by the term "friendship". I began chatting about 12 years ago. There was a group of us that all started chatting about the same time, and several of us remain in touch through email. I concider them friends.

I am confused as to why someone would put all that time and effort into a relationship then be offended. "...she does not provide friendship or social relationships there." what else would it be? It was not a business relationship. What else could it be called other than social or friendship?

Thank you AAAAA

Well, it's a support site for anxiety. She provides support. But daily communication about things like getting her hair done, cleaning closets with a caretaker (her nearly 100 year old mother lives with her), giving her cat a bath, travelling, business concerns, her birthday, etc... I think her being on the site IS to provide support but we became closer than that. In addition recent things I said made her believe that my corresponding with her was taking the place of IRL friendships so she felt she needed to end our online friendship; and I think she realized she had stepped outside her own boundaries and needed to re-establish them.

Thanks so much for understanding.. for the 'walks like a duck' analogy

hi echoes. thank you for posting this. i kinda got the same thing happening with one of my friends from here but i don't know if were friends anymore but what you said kinda made it make more sense to me. i don't got so many friends most of my friends are really my wife's friends and i ain't no good at talking to people so when i was in the hospital the last few weeks i was thinking of all the stuff that i wanted to tell her about it but then she said she don't want to talk to me so much anymore and i felt like i done something really really wrong. i feel so bad like i'm a huge jerk for taking up so much of her time and i'm sorry i didn't know i did so much. i wish i could fix it

well I consider them real. my husband and I met on a websight doc john use to have 11 yrs ago. I too have met many people online that I have lost over the yrs that I miss terribly. yes they are very real.

Yes, your friendship was real, ECHOES. It sounds like maybe she felt rejected when you said you were decreasing your computer time (which included decreasing the frequence of your correspondence with her). And rather than have you "reject" her, she beat you to it by rapidly withdrawing.

I'm sorry you have lost your friend.

Hi, ECHOES, many times I have met online friends in person and they are very real to me. I even made a very close friend who I have seen several times. We live at a great distance but that didn't matter. Now I'm on the receiving end of being cut off and you are right, it is extremely painful. It's a lot like mourning the death of a loved one, but the friend is quite alive and refuses to communicate with me. It burns and stings like nothing I have ever experienced. I am sad and hurt, frustrated and confused. Mostly, it's sadness because it is the worst feeling of rejection I have ever had in my life.

I wish I had a way to make us both feel better. I guess my only defense mechanism is to live out the mourning process and give myself the time to let it go. Knowing how intensely painful this has been for me, I doubt I'll ever trust that much of my heart to any other person. It's really hard and I feel for you.

Yes,Echoes,In my opinion online friendships are very real.I have a friend I met through an epal site-we email most days and have met up also.I would miss the friendship terribly if it were to end.
Having said that,I've posted on here about another friendship of mine which has gone wrong because the other person has broken off contact.I mention that only because I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and understand absolutely how upset you must be feeling.I'm trying to sort myself out in a similar situation so if you want to talk please feel free.Know that I'm thinking of you and I'm sure we'll both get through in time.

Impala x

Thank you to everyone who replied. You made me feel heard and sane

Yes, they are real.

Just like the need to back off some from the computer ( a healthy one after five years of a constant contact with the web site).

Change is good. It presents us with lots of opportunities for personal growth, moving out of our comfort zone.

(and you weren't abandoning her!)

Aspects of ones lifestyle - perhaps a need to meet people physically available to accompany you in other activities besides the internet, or have more time for yourself to explore other things, to be more available for other activities can be gained now,
as you intended, by reducing your time doing that one activity.

This move to self-improvement, whether to vacation or move along to new experiences was met with either a gross misunderstanding or possibly resentment from this individual, (because she wants to split hairs over 'friendship' or 'relationship' or just being supportive to the group -. I don't buy it).

This of course, is just my feelings about it.

I've felt this type of loss also, and as I found afterwards, so might you find that you are free from something you needed to let go of for awhile for your own personal growth, and you can now move on and progress, just like you may have intended, when you said you needed a break from the computer for awhile.

You came here with a problem you are experiencing and lo and behold, it helped me face up to something I buried.

Thanks for sharing your experience here.

I gained from it because there was a little left on my side of the street I need to clean up after what was a personal loss for me.

peace

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Echoes, hunny,
I agree with Perna, who said, "Having a PhD doesn't necessarily a "together" person make! It's just schooling, not life experience."
The way this woman responded to you suggests something almost sinister to me. If, for example, her role is to be a counselor and support person, then she should have encouraged you in your efforts to decrease your time on the computer and get more "real life' experiences. Or, even as a true friend, she should have encouraged you, no matter how much personal stuff you have shared.

I'm concerned that this woman's role is to provide support, and yet she has acted this way. You are feeling pain because of it, and that is just not acceptable. I can give you several examples of online friendships with people with whom I've corresponded in very similar fashion, but when they chose to decrease our contact, no matter how much it had meant to me, I was okay with it. Their circumstances were changing, and they wanted to move on and decrease contact, or maybe I was the one who wanted this, but it did not diminish the value I held for these people, and I am okay with hearing from them every couple of months or even less. This is the nature of online relationships.

This reminds me of a movie I watched not too long ago. I can't remember the name of it, but I'll look it up, and repost about it.

You were honest with your online friend, and, in my opinion, her response to you was inappropriate.

Love
Patty

P.S. The movie I was thinking of: NOTES ON A SCANDAL, which is, of course, about a scandalous act, having nothing to do with the subject of your post. I was impressed by the dynamics of the two female characters, portrayed by the excellent acting of Judy Dench and Kate Blanchett. If you haven't seen it, I do recommend it. It shows how controlling one person in power can become over another.

Thank you everyone for your kind and caring replies.

I'm still confused but I'm healing too. Thank goodness for my therapist who fit me into her schedule for an extra session, and who has taken so many calls and been my metaphorical shoulder to cry on.

And thank goodness too, for great supportive people like all of you who took the time to read and reply. You made me feel so good.

Patty that movie sounds very good and I love Judy Dench from the Brit show "As Time Goes By". Thanks for the tip.

to all of you.

(((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain! Yes, I believe online relationships are real. I'm here for you if you need me!