Divorcing a disordered person

@RDMercer checking in to see how you are doing.

Well.... Guess what.

I went to the DMV on Friday to look after everything and gift her the car again.

Nothing there. No paperwork had been dropped off for me to sign.

I'll check back again later this week.

Well, she is punishing herself by dragging her feet.

Was the car totaled?

Yeah. It's gone. It's totaled.

She can't get the insurance money until it's in her name. I gifted it twice already and she didn't complete it. Then she called frantically because her insurance rented her a car and gave her three weeks to get things sorted out and that three week window ended last week.

I know it's not funny, but her behavior is almost laughably predictable.

Just an aside, make sure you document every attempt you make to gift the car and do your part. You know when you go to court next she will try to make it seem like you held her up on this process. I know you know this, make sure you get your "receipts" aka proof. Even just following up with an email to her and copying her attorney and your attorney that you went to the DMV and she had not left any paperwork to sign, so it shows you were perfectly willing to do the steps but she did not do hers.

Or if there is some other way to prove you were there (heck, I'd ask the DMV worker if I could make a short video with them saying the date and that you showed up and nothing was there - not everyone likes being filmed, but usually people understand these things).

My guess is she totaled it while driving under the influence. It’s very possible that she is drinking more which is common when someone can’t deal with their emotions and escape by using drugs and alcohol. People who abuse drugs never learned how to self regulate their emotions and they constantly look for external ways to fill the void. They get very narcissistic and the only way they can feel power is by taking their frustrations out on others. Sadly the spouse gets subjected to the changing moods and stresses and the children become afraid and distant and confused often feeling they are not worthy of love.

Your wife’s so called besties only make it worse by enabling her to see herself as a victim and to learn to use men to pay her way and fix things for her. They are guiding her to get power in very unhealthy ways. Remember, she had already gotten to where she drank all day. There was nothing there to give you ANY normal love or respect or real intimacy. It’s always been “she lets you” and never she genuinely cares and wants you.

Nothing you can do or could have done to change her. You were starved and existed for the morsels she would toss you and even then she would look at you coldly letting you know she was going to discard you. This was her selfish way of gaining a sense of power.

The best thing for you is to distance as much as possible. Every situation will be toxic because it’s how she needs chaos and drama to have any sense of identity.

You have tried very hard to make things work in your relationship. I can tell by listening to you that it’s not in your nature to be mean and vindictive. You have stated how it feels wrong. Instead you have just tried harder to fix and kept doing more and more. As you gave in more all you did was hand her more power and only got crumbs of occasional acknowledgement from her.

This is a challenge you can never win. Standing up for yourself and saying no and setting boundaries actually feels wrong to you. Instead you prefer to be part of a solution and fixing whatever is broken. This personality disorder is not something you can fix.

Your wife doesn’t want to care, it’s too inconvenient to her. The only way to move forward is change how you react and let her learn her behaviors are only going to inconvenience herself
Your wife never matured properly and never learned how to regulate her emotions. As a result the needs of others are an inconvenience to her. All she learned is acting a role to get her needs met. This is masking and gaslighting. This is what addicts do they abuse drugs/alcohol and gaslight that they don’t have a problem when they do. Instead they live in denial and when they do something that costs them they get angry at the inconvenience of any punishments.

It’s important not to get sucked into enabling. Disordered individuals like to interact with enablers. You have grown wise to this and have been working hard at developing setting better boundaries and not giving in to your fixer enabler side.

It might be a manipulation tactic.

Or might be just how she operates: with the expectation for a man to fix it all. I’ve met plenty of women who’d never take care of anything: broken items, car issues, full up gas, take car to a shop, house projects/paperwork, bank, make a phone call to a maintenance etc etc because somehow they grew up with the expectation that everything is man’s job. Or they might not know how to do things but they don’t want to learn. “Learned helplessness” is so much easier because someone always comes to their rescue.

How will she live her life when you two are divorced? How do single women live? Despicable. It’s 2024 not 1824.

Document everything. Extra document every little thing

"Nothing you can do or could have done to change her. You were starved and existed for the morsels she would toss you and even then she would look at you coldly letting you know she was going to discard you. This was her selfish way of gaining a sense of power."

OHMYGOSH YES! TOTALLY YES!

Yes, heavily disordered with no ability to sort her life.

The progression of covert narcissism is to lay a foundation that they can draw from for years. They tend to be smart and accomplished in a specialized manner, then the feelings of entitlement grow, and they work less and less... People should just see how special they are.

The progression of borderline is that they increasingly lack the ability to bring something to fruition. There's no structure, work ethic, or follow through.

And, of course, alcohol abuse exacerbates both.

And she's been taking ADHD stimulants with the alcohol for years now too.

I've rarely seen her drunk, but if you drink 5 glasses of wine (one bottle), don't eat, and only weigh 130 pounds, you probably aren't safe to drive anytime that day.

I've emailed her pictures of me from the DMV

And they have paid parking, with receipts.

And I have a video of me putting the paperwork in the mail to her the last time, in September.

"What do helpless women do?"

It helps that she's beautiful. She's been seen around by lots of people we know in a newer BMW. She's also posted pictures of trips and concerts on FB. So, I expect she's reaping the benefits of transactional relationships. This is the life her friends told her was so wonderful, "You're gonna get half his pay and his investments, and you'll find men that will do stuff for you on dating apps. If one won't, another will. You get positive attention all the time."

We have a saying around here.... Not my circus, not my monkeys.

RDM

Just an update.....

Nothing at DMV this morning. I called and asked my lawyer why. Because my lawyer hasn't received anything yet.

Why?

Because her lawyer hasn't gotten the license and registration paperwork from my wife yet.

Just.... (sigh)

RDM

Well, at least she's consistent?

Sounds like she just wants to create drama. You have done all you can and documented it.

It’s pitiful behavior but just wanting you to spin your wheels. Very childish and will only make her look bad.

Ah; she sounds in some ways like my ex. He didn't make house payments for 18 months & swore he made payments to my daughter. I had the lending company proof he hadn't....then he had no clue where all that money went when the house finally was set for foreclosure auction & he refused to even respond to any of my lawyers (2 hired, one in my state & one in his) Dealing with people like this is frustrating because we want to get things over & get them totally out of our lives. Probably why they screw around because they don't want us totally out of their lives or they wouldn't have us to irritate

OK, I'm in my office and at my desk....

I truly laughed out loud at "at least she's consistent".

People are wondering what's so funny.

EskieLover.... WOW! That is messed up and unbelievably frustrating. And costly!

Something you said rung true with me. I had one psychologist say disordered people have no means to regulate their negative emotions, so they place them on you and make you manage them.

So.... With that in mind.....

Once I am out of her life, and once she has to really, really maintain (contain??) a certain appearance among her new best friends and her new co-workers, and now that she is renting an apartment in someone's home and can't do the ridiculous late night stuff she used to, and she can't treat the new man (men) in her life like crap because they have no history with her and no need to accept her drama......

She must be ready to burst!

These occasional flurries at me are her only way to unload her internal drama and disarray.

RDMercer

When we are totally out of their lives they no longer have us to try to blame for how they act. You are so right about that. His mom blamed me for all the bad things happening to him. I doubt she even knows all the bad crap he has done after I left. He is still leasing back the house for double the monthly payments than the mortgage & sharing the house with others who can pay too. I am sure she doesn't know he lost the house & lives monthly only paying minimum on his credit cards. They can keep things covered up for awhile before it all crumbles in on them. Not my problem but sometimes I don't mind watching after going through all I did getting out of there. I keep watch on both of our credit reports because my name is still on the loan because of the way he sold the house & even if he died my name would still be on it & I never gave him permission to do that. Jerks will be jerks ALL THEIR LIVES. They never seem to learn even when bad stuff happens to them. They just blame everyone else for what happened.

"Not my problem but sometimes I don't mind watching after going through all I did getting out of there. "

I think you meant to say...

Not my circus, not my monkey

I get that sentiment too. I think it's just to validate ourselves and break the gaslighting - when we look back and see the behavior now directed at someone else, we know we weren't imagining it or being sensitive or any of the other ways they tried to gaslight us.

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk

It also means that watching them self-destruct after all the destruction caused in my life gives a sense of even-ness or as some call it, watching karma in action

Yeah, I feel somewhat ambivalent about karma. I don't like for anyone to suffer, even if it's "coming to them", but yeah, I believe you get back what you put out, and if you're putting out bad juju, you'll get it back.

For me karma is more a reminder to put good out there myself, rather than have any enjoyment in someone else's (although I admit sometimes I do, and I'm not saying you do, just thinking aloud here).

But it's definitely a reminder that karma exists, whether you think of it as karma or not. As the saying goes: what goes around, comes around.

I think growth happens when you are able to step back and realize that no matter what you do there are people that don’t respect or care or have the ability to appreciate you. The failure is mostly in them and your own failure was to not see it for what it really was/is. When you are in a relationship with someone who shows no respect and appreciation for what you do and you always feel you are not enough, there is a problem.

The idea is to develop a smarter mind and not be like that other person but instead stay the course of being a good person. It’s ok to have boundaries. You can have boundaries and still be a good person.

You needed to be able to vent your frustrations and feelings. You have a right to have feelings. Men tend to think they should be strong and not have feelings. That’s wrong, you are human and deserve to understand feelings and how to slowly work through them.

I've been thinking for about 8-9 days now about writing my wife and trying to get through to her.

I had a counselling appointment on Wednesday, and all along I've been waiting until I talked to my counselor.

Well. That's come and gone, and I'm still feeling like this.

I've tried redirecting my thinking dozens of times.

I just don't know why I can't shake it this time.

I'm also getting periods of "is this my fault" and I can't shake it.

RDM

She is not who you think she is.

Have you ever seen the salt-sucker episode of the original Star Trek?

Anyway, you can remember the good times, appreciate the good things (like your kids) that happened, but you dont have to let her inability to understand set the bar for your and your kids' existence

If redirecting your thoughts, or otherwise distracting yourself, isn't working, sometimes it can be helpful to sit quietly with the thoughts and go directly into them for a period of time. A big part of cognitive behavioral therapy is experiencing the feelings and thoughts you are avoiding, and letting them pass in their own time. It can be difficult and uncomfortable, but generally, as you allow the thoughts to come and you move through them (don't fight them, but also don't invite them) they begin to lose their hold and power over you.

What would happen if you hand wrote a letter like what you are thinking about, but then instead of sending it, you put it through a shredder or burned it? It's possible that after you write it all down and reread it a few times, you'll have a good idea of the reality of how that interaction would play out irl- which might settle the urge too.

It's tough to have that compulsion. It's normal for codependency too. We're so used to fixing and trying that we feel lost without doing that sort of thing.

The fact that you question if it's your fault bodes well for you- a person who ruins things in a dysfunctional way doesn't conscientiously wonder and worry what they've done wrong. Remember, you're the one who tried and tried and tried to fix things. If she was receptive to actually fixing things, she would have gotten on the same page long ago and worked it out

What do you want to get through to her?

Write it out here.

I believe you may be experiencing cognitive dissonance, which is disordered or rather erroneous thinking, based on experiencing abuse, blame shifting, deflection, and gaslighting. I would not trust these feelings and thoughts as they go against everything you've been fighting for and standing up against.