Trying to move forward

So maybe they were kinda freaked out this past week because they could sense that you were. You had a bad week, so they did too. At least they're empathic.

It's okay. I don't know that I fully agree with you, but I also think maybe we're just talking around each other, but essentially have the same intent. I know you are trying to do your best to tend to your kids' emotional needs and keep things functioning at the same time.

I was really just trying to be cautionary as in: just watch out for it, and I think that got turned into more than it was really.

And wtf with make us dinner but we won't help with dishes?!? Freaking teenagers.

As mature as teenagers seem to be at times, they are still immature in many ways. Their brains are still not fully developed so at times they are still very much children yet.

Raising teens is very challenging especially with all that they are being exposed to that’s been unhealthy. Way too much social media unhealthy influences.

@RDMercer how did you make out in court today?

It was hard to see her. I don't feel the same as I used to towards her.

It sounds like things are really falling apart for her, with her ability to earn an income.

The judge wouldn't make a decision on support without a hearing, proof, and cross examination.

So.

Now I wait for her to come up with proof and witnesses for why she can't work, and then book a half day of court time and be cross examined.

Did your lawyer explain anything to you? Is your wife still expected to pay child support?

Your wife just claiming she can’t work isn’t going to fly. She has to have a letter of proof from a psychiatrist and doctor. If she is impaired she may qualify for SSDI.

In you affidavit does it shed light on her abuse of alcohol? She also lists herself on dating sites. What does she list herself as a professional?

Hmmm......

Trying this again.

I posted a reply twice from my phone, but they aren't up.

So.... My lawyer planted a landmine in court yesterday.

"So, we are dealing primarily with G.I. issues that are creating problems with working."

"Yes"

"So, we agree, it's G.I. issues that are making it hard to go to work."

"(exasperated) YES."

So, that is on record and agreed on.

There are three letters my wife attached from her medical file to her family doctor from different specialists identifying a particular prescription that created widespread relief of symptoms.

I have a couple of years of those prescriptions filled and unused at home. She stopped taking it back in 2020 it looks like.

They also reference restrictive diets and food intolerances. She didn't follow any dietary restrictions.

We can also bring forward proof of heavy drinking, and her doing very active things socially - concert going, hiking, etc.

I don't like thinking like this. I hate doing this. I tried to look after her for years and she's created a situation where I actually really, really have to fight back against her and make her look bad in court to just make her stop.

I alternately feel empowered and angry, and then feel empathy for her. Life isn't manageable for her.

Or.... It is, and she's just hoping to use me.

Yes, she will have to provide an affidavit from our family doctor attesting to it that she can't work, or can't work full time.

She earns less than she would on social assistance.

Drinking alcohol can cause problems with a persons GI tract. It can damage the tissues and interrupt the body’s ability to absorb important nutrients. So not only does your wife not take medication that improves her GI issues, but she chooses to consume alcohol all day on a daily basis.

For all intense purposes she has a substance abuse problem that is damaging her ability to work as well as causing her to experience mood shifts that cause her children to feel unsafe around her.

I bet she totaled her car because she was driving while intoxicated. I have seen many of the toxic results due to substance abuse over many years of seeing my husband involved with trying to support others who try to stop drinking and learn to live sober. Many have lost their license and depend on others to get around to meetings. There is also the mood shifts where the alcoholic is very selfish and demanding and disrespectful to others. They can barge into others space and act very entitled and disrespectful. Also these individuals can get very entitled and mean and extremely narcissistic.

I know this has been hard on you but her moving out of the home was best for you and your children. Living with someone that abuses alcohol and drugs is a living hell. And there are those that choose to also smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. This kind of person is not heathy relationship material and certainly not healthy to have around children.

You mentioned that your wife likes to go to the casinos with her besties? Many toxic problem drinkers and drug abusers hang out at the casinos. No Mr. Wonderful at these bars and casinos, instead mostly people who have relationship problems. Imo she just wants you to subsidize her party lifestyle.

Nope, no casinos.

There's none around here.

You may have misread (or I mistyped??) "Concerts".

I wish we were a family.

OMG I wouldn't dream of giving up this PEACE though!

I thought you said casinos, a lot of concerts are held at casinos where alcohol is available.

Yes! It’s exhausting living with someone that abuses substances because you never know what mood they will be in. Once this is out of the picture it’s so freeing. Yet it takes time to adjust to the fact that the unpredictable presence is actually gone as the nervous system is still on guard and hyper vigilant.

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OMG I wouldn't dream of giving up this PEACE though!

That was the first thing I felt after leaving my husband (no ex). Even with the crap I still had to (& still have to) deal with, not having to live around him & the stress & anger he caused 24/7 gave me the peaceful times when I can re-energize do deal with tge things & even handle them in peaceful ways. It is not just living around people who abuse substances that are exhausting, it is living around anyone where conflict exists at a major emotional level.

The peace was immediate & the good thing now is when something upsets that peaceful feeling for whatever reason, I immediately analyze the cause & try to respond in a way to regain that peace because the difference is very obvious. Sometimes it is just a matter of limiting my activities when I feel overloaded, sometimes it is removing or limiting people from my social circle. Sometimes it is just figuring out the best way to get through a challenge & getting through it. When peace returns I know I am on the right path.

Feeling peace is a wonderful guide to life

"It is not just living around people who abuse substances that are exhausting, it is living around anyone where conflict exists at a major emotional level."

THIS

THIS THIS THIS

The need for drama and conflict when there's just no need. My gosh. There is SO little to fight about in our house.

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Originally Posted by RDMercer "It is not just living around people who abuse substances that are exhausting, it is living around anyone where conflict exists at a major emotional level." THIS THIS THIS THIS The need for drama and conflict when there's just no need. My gosh. There is SO little to fight about in our house.

It is amazing how peaceful life is when the source of conflict, fighting & drama is removed

I wonder if the drive to engage in drama and conflict is to avoid boredom.

Yes, that’s often part of “disordered” behavior patterns.

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv I wonder if the drive to engage in drama and conflict is to avoid boredom.

In my case it was because I refused to tolerate the stupidity I was living around & fought against it. This was both in my parents house growing up & in my marriage. Had nothing to do with boredom. My parents were fine with themselves, I wasn't. My now ex was fine living his life making the bad choices....I wasn't. When trapped in a bad place& you can't "flight", you "fight" & that was my survival mode. It was so awesome when I was finally no longer around any of them & felt peace for the first time in my life

I'll start a new thread soon.

I'm done trying to move forward.

I'm moving forward.

I have to start shaking off the cobwebs some and clear my thinking some.

I needed time to dwell and mourn, but I feel like I'm moving out of that now.

I find myself shutting off Dr Ramani now... "She's toxic and not saveable. Done. I don't need a 30 minute podcast for that."

Thank you. Though I've not met any of you, you have no idea how much your concern, support, and knowledge have helped me.

RDMercer

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I'm done trying to move forward. I'm moving forward.

Love this attitude. There comes a time when we hold the lessons learned rather than the pain of learning them. Looking forward to your new thread

Eskie, you give me hope that there's a future.

Your resilience, and "eff it" attitude make me think I can do it too.

If you haven't been in this kind of situation, the hopelessness is hard to explain. Almost every opportunity for celebration was tarnished, almost every proud moment, and every solution and effort to extend yourself for them has a repercussion, until you finally just.... Stop. Until you accept the safest thing to do is to just work, and serve, and not rock the boat, until the youngest is self sufficient.

I went for years and years thinking there is no future, there is no end to the work, there is nothing to look forward to. If I can just hang on until the youngest is old enough to have some college completed and the oldest can support them some..... Wouldn't it be good to just not be anymore, to just not exist. That degree of emotional and physical exhaustion is hard to explain.

Thank you

Actually there are others who understand a lot more than you realize. It was good that you had a place to vent and slowly learn how to look at your situation to see it more clearly. It’s better than reacting because if the other person is disordered they won’t hear you and often only say or do things to further attack your self esteem.

It’s a bit like when your shoulder gets out of joint and hurts until someone gives it a strong tug to get it back in the socket. Yeah that hurts but slowly you can use your arm again and regain your mobility.

RD, it took me a few years to figure out the lifetime of dysfunction I had lived around & to understand & process it all. My T called it "integrating" that past into my current life which was the "learning from it process".

Lol....my "eff it" attitude hit big time when I got my trust fund then sold my mom's house. It took a year after she died before I could even go back in the house because of everything that happened there. My husband wanted me to give him money from my trust & I knew that money was my only means to get out of the marriage so he didn't get a cent. Sold the house in fall 2006, headed to Ky to find a farm that next April & knew I had to buy something cause if I went back without the purchase of a farm I would be trapped the rest of my life (lol....my all or nothing panic thinking). Bought my farm & flew back with my dog Leo to close on the farm. The real "eff it" I realized that summer because never once did I think about my husband or miss him. That was when I KNEW I had made the smartest decision in my life. New life, chance to start all over in a place where I didn't know anyone & alone for the first time in my life at 54 years old. The adventure began & I have NEVER regretted it, not even during some tough times because that "PEACE" made it tolerable. I even have friends now which is even more amazing. This new amazing life made me realize that I was not the one causing the problems though I do admit that my lack of skills in handling situations I lived with made them worse not better my whole life but the situations were bad to begin with.

There is hope for sure & I learned lessons, more than I ever wanted to know from processing that past & the traumas & have brought that learning forward into this new life & there is no pain anymore, just good strong knowledge learned from that past & I love my life now for the first time.

I know you can do it because YOU ARE DOING IT right now

I think this kid is going to be okay.

I just had another thought, relating to my computer design engineering career.

We started a project out analyzing the project description & figuring out what is required.....(looking & understanding the pain we have gone through). It is easy for designers to get stuck in the design phase always trying to realize one more aspect of the requirements (always trying to learn one more thing about what happened to us). However a project can not be completed without implementation of the design (apply what we have learned to our lives & the lessons that have come from what has happened....this is when healing starts & we start living again). Of course no project is complete without debug to find what we missed & to correct the mistakes we have programmed. (This is continuing to live life & integrate what we learned & verify or correct the changes we make to adapt the lessons into our current life). No computer program is ever finished & new things come up that need added to the program (we are always adapting & correcting as we learn & experience more things).

I definitely saw how my career tied to my healing process