Trying to move forward

Hi,

A lot of you have become my support network on here.

I've gone through a long run of emotional and mental abuse, and am in treatment with my kids for a covert narcissistic borderline personality spouse.

It's now 13 months since we separated.

There was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent this, and there's no two ways about it, I received abuse.

I'm home with minor kids, and one big kid that is a young man that is trying to launch and find his way in the world. I have sole guardianship, and am in the family home.

I still miss my wife. I know what I loved was possibly an illusion, put on to bait me. But when things were good they were perfect.

I am absolutely NOT someone who wants to date or navigate the ins and outs of all that. I like being with my cohort of people so much. I like being home. I like cuddling and watch crime documentaries and bad action or sci fi movies, and working on projects on the house or in the garage, and making meals.

I wish I had a partner. I still hold myself back from calling her. I just want my person, someone I have a history with that knows me from waaaay back, who knows my story and whose story I know.

@RDMercer sorry for your loss. That sounds like you are making the best of a very difficult situation.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

You have gained a lot of ground. It can be hard to accept that someone we wanted to love can be so unhealthy for us.

It's just hard.

We moved several times pursuing common goals. Now I live in a community far removed from where I'm from. I've built a good career here, but we aren't from here and have no long term ties here.

We aren't on anyone's list of people to include for holidays or events or anything.

I'm not able to give up the career I have built to try for something else somewhere else. My kids want to stay here too, so I'm here.

I did these things and shaped my career and education and moved communities all for the sake of common goals. At some point she just stopped. She has years and years of incomplete diplomas and courses now.

So. I'm just here. We have good people around us, but you all know what I mean. We aren't "someone" to anyone. If I left from here next week there'd be no one missing me or looking for me.

I liked being partnered with someone.

The key is to be partnered with someone that’s not so toxic and disordered.

I understand how you feel.

I don’t know how long you’ve lived where you are living now but it’s possible to make a new area your home at some point. And build roots especially if your kids build roots in the area. You could make long term ties.

And you will have a partner. Someone who knows you. In a true sense.

It just takes time.

Thanks.

As much as I want that, I'm in no rush

I've gotten way, way better at enjoying my own company.

I do just crave adult conversation that isn't work sometimes.

I also want female conversation sometimes. It's really different talking to guys than to women, I find. I'm pretty guarded about that, though, because I don't want anyone to think I'm pursuing anything more than conversation.

Yeah... So... Being single kinda sucks, and it's hard to navigate.

To be direct.

I'm going through a period of stressing about bumping into my wife in public. She really rattles me. So, I'm just house bound it feels.

RDMercer

Your wife is probably hanging out at bars/clubs looking to feed her ego and drink. That’s the type of place to avoid not just to avoid running into her but a narcissistic/disordered type like her.

Most towns/areas have a local paper that has a community section. That’s a good thing to check out to see if there are any community activities you can get involved with. A lot of times there are cooking classes you can take to broaden your cuisine skills as I remember you mentioning you cook the meals.

You might even offer your own small course where you teach common car care classes. There are women who want to know how to maintain their vehicles.

You want to engage in things your wife would not engage in. You want a someday partner that is a much different kind of person than your wife. Your wife’s community is at the bars and clubs, not the kind of woman that’s healthy for you.

It's everyday stuff. Last night I was at Walmart and suddenly became scared of bumping into her. I was at the pharmacy another time this week with my daughter and suddenly wanted to leave in case she showed up. My daughter will often opt to not go out because she doesn't want to see her mom. She also doesn't want "public" jobs, like coffee shops or fast food for that reason.

This has all been hard enough. I don't want any drama with it. Along with that I know she can hurt me whenever she wants. I loved her and wanted her. She can use that to hurt me. If I ever saw her out with another man I'm certain she'd flaunt it. I also fully expect she'd vilify me to anyone she is seeing, so he may try to be the "hero" as well.

This has all led to just.... Turtling.

My recent interaction on the phone with my wife exacerbated that because she was utterly unrepentant and viewed everything as me victimizing her.... Holy jeez..... Your kids stopped talking to you and you think I fabricated that??? When?? When I was working two jobs and making meals and fixing cars and house all the time?

So, yeah, I do feel just..... Stuck.... A lot of the time.

RDMercer

You gotta practice a good "glad its you and not me" face. A slightly raised eyebrow, a quarter of a smile - or a really hearty expression of relief.

How did she not scare you enough? What more would it take? My car was like completely keyed, mirrors and windshield wipers torn off, an autograph scratched into the rear bumper - i get it. You can KNOW this person is very very bad, but emotional wound that she recalls was NOT created by her, and cannot be healed by her.

Square peg, round hole. Serenity prayer - strength to accept what you cannot change, courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. There is not another option whereby you change the unacceptable into acceptable, where you change round into square or vice versa.

A thing ive seen is to think of your life as a novel. Is this action moving the story forward?

Thanks unaluna.

I didn't @Mention you either

I know others have been through way worse, so I kind of feel like a big baby saying this stuff.

Just a bad few days.

RDMercer

You and your children are struggling with the trauma affects of an abusive toxic person. It’s going to take you time to build up your sense of safety in self. Also, your divorce is not final yet so you need to get past that yet.

You have been gaining ground but it’s going to take time for you to recover yourself gradually.

Thanks OpenEyes, and ArmorPlate.

And unaluna.... That is total BS. I should have said it in my reply. I actually answered and left feeling outraged for the intimidation you experienced. I just wanted to come back and voice that.

RDMercer

It seems like for everything you've been through with her, your reaction and feelings are probably normal.

As the others have already said, you're still in the middle of the thing, still processing, more healing on the horizon. The way you feel and do things will change in time.

In your shoes, I'd probably feel especially uneasy when the kids were with me. It's one thing for you to put on a poker face and deal with her in passing, it's something else entirely for the kids to be subjected to a surprise interaction. Maybe sticking close to home for mental safety sake isn't such a bad thing? As long as you and the kids still find ways to socialize and have fun.

Thanks, but i wasnt saying that mine was bigger than yours!

Just - do you really need a bigger bad to tilt the scale for you?

Do you know the joke about the parents who had a kid who was an optimist, and they decided they had to break him of this. So for his birthday, they got him a huuuuge box filled with poop. He was so happy! Why? "Because with all this manure, i KNOW theres gotta be a pony in there somewhere!" Yeah thats me.

I was lucky to be able to move 2100 miles away when I left but I sure understand your feeling because after my mom died & the trauma I experienced with the home care person & the police I was having massive depersonalization experiences there. They hit a few times after moving but decreased as I realized I was safe away from everyone. Only then I was able to feel safe in my new environment. That option is not possible for most. I do understand your issues & it does take time to build up the confidence that you can handle encounters if they occur. Shoot, I went back to Ca 11 years after I left for a court case against him & I was staying at the ranch where my horse still was & he was doing nightly feedings. I was so anxious that my anger would flare up again after all the therapy work I had done to process & heal from all those years in the bad marriage. Your response is normal, time & healing & learning you can handle it will help

"I was so anxious that my anger would flare up again after all the therapy work I had done to process & heal from all those years in the bad marriage."

YES! This is totally part of it too! Thank you for voicing that. I knew I was feeling something but couldn't identify it!

She tried so hard so many times to incite a response in me; threatening divorce, threatening financial ruin, threatening to ruin my reputation, threatening I'd lose the kids, totally insulting me and demeaning me.

I'm scared of MY response to seeing her too. I'm scared of the pain and the anger I'll feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer "I was so anxious that my anger would flare up again after all the therapy work I had done to process & heal from all those years in the bad marriage." YES! This is totally part of it too! Thank you for voicing that. I knew I was feeling something but couldn't identify it! She tried so hard so many times to incite a response in me; threatening divorce, threatening financial ruin, threatening to ruin my reputation, threatening I'd lose the kids, totally insulting me and demeaning me. I'm scared of MY response to seeing her too. I'm scared of the pain and the anger I'll feel.

It took me 11 years to find out how I would respond & my divorce wasn't final until a month after that in the state I moved to. I already had anger toward him at that point because he didn't respond to my Ky divorce lawyer or the lawyer I hired in Calif to handle the house issue he sold right befors it when into foreclosure auction. Lol....some of his idiot friends were trying to tell him I was coming back after all those years. Ugh, we did have a civil discussion & probably the closure he needed. Him being the person I left never changed & in reality that truly validated my leaving & reinforced how right I was & how truly happy I was having nothing to do with him.

"I want someone who knew me from way back..." Your life is far from over, and 40 years from now, someone you met today will have known you from way back.

If this were a video game, it'd be like getting another life and starting over already knowing a lot of the stuff to avoid so you can win the game.

Along the lines of seesaw's post, I thought reconnecting with someone from my high school & college past might bring light to the black hole of my past. No way though it did spark a few memories that seriously I didn't want to remember & I ended up blocking the person who really brought a feeling of uneasyness to my peace. That is my rule of thumb now I have peace to not allow anyone into my inner circle who creates a sense of anxiety.

I have made better roots after leaving my husband because his personality actually kept me from creating roots before as did the whole Calif environment I lived in all my life because I could finally be me without the parents or husband's personalities creating issues. That new freedom is valuable for healing

It’s not bad to feel anger. Remember that anger is the part of yourself that loves you. It isn’t that you get angry, instead it’s how you react to the toxic person who is treating you badly.

Your wife constantly threatened and devalued you in what you just shared. She wanted you to believe SHE had all the power. Well guess what, she has no power and even her own children don’t want her around.

Toxic people like your wife want you to react so they can play the victim. People like your wife do not love THEY USE. The only history you had with her is she figured how to play you TO USE YOU.

You are a good person who doesn’t want to hurt others. You tend to carry the hurt and the fear you have now is that you don’t want to hurt anymore. Now you are learning how to distance so you don’t get hurt and also so you don’t react in any way that gives her power to play the victim to have whatever power she can create over you.

You are doing really well. The anger and hurt takes time to sort through.

What you describe sounds a little like cptsd. It wouldn't be unusual after long term stress and duress in the house.

To piggyback on what Open Eyes said, anger, and other emotions, aren't bad. They're there to tell you something- though you're the one who has to figure out what that is. Sometimes, as in the case with PTSD, the anxiety can be like the resonance of a bell that lingers for a while after it's been rung. Healing is a slow process sometimes- just as a broken leg doesn't heal overnight and without gentleness, our minds and hearts need time and care to heal too.

Toxic people don’t experience the same anger. Toxic people carry resentments and look to punish. Toxic people are always looking for ways to have power. They want drama and they tend to need constant attention. Everything is about them.

Just an example, about 12 years ago I got into the sport of dog agility. Now there are people who knew me way back when I was just learning, when I couldn't do a thing. But I was in my 30s at the time. Re-invention is an amazing thing. For the most part, only people who go through a really traumatic event or circumstance experience the process of re-inventing themselves. You get to choose who you'll be, with you you'll be, and who and what you want in your life. You've only had her out of the house a short while. I'd give myself time to breathe and just exist for a year or two and let myself recover while beginning to think of where I might go or what I might do.

Thanks @seesaw.

I'm wondering what reinvention is going to look like.