I don't care about my husband anymore...

I think OP is simply in a fragile state, hence she did not notice your support.

I'm sorry you're feeling like you're not getting the support you were looking for - what would be helpful to you?

I know the feeling of not being able to stand your husband - been there myself. It's an awful feeling living with someone you cannot stand. Your home should be a refuge from the world - not a cause of strain, stress, and distress. Life is short, my dear - and far too short to live unhappily.

Sorry - amidst all the other negative feedback - I just broke down. I think I will leave this forum, not so much support here. But thank you for being supportive.

I need to take charge of my own life again. There are other factors keeping me here. I am trying to regain my health, I see so many others doing it.i should also be able to do it.

Too many reasons - divorce not an option. I must just continue to work on myself.

I am sorry, I think there was a lot of misunderstanding. I think the only reason divorce was brought up is because you said you considered it, after you lose weight.

I personally just wanted to see more examples of him being a bad partner. Not questioning if he is, just more examples would give us a better picture. That’s why I asked if he’d drive to pharmacy to get you meds.

Sometimes we need more info to give a better suggestion

@Wherehaveigone26, I hope you'll stay.

I know I sided with your husband in the scenario that you described, but I was being honest and respectful. And I did apologize after all. I thought my perspective might be helpful.

Update : this just happened tonight…
How much more can I take? He just comes home - from work - complaining he thought Mr. B’s memorial and our dinner date with friends were the same day, when I told him yesterday they were 2 different Saturdays, the dinner first this coming Saturday then Mr. B’s memorial the next Saturday. Then He complains - and yells - that I didn’t put it in the reminders (on our iPads) . I said “why do I need to do that when I just told you yesterday that it was two different weekends?” Then he complains he doesn’t know what day it is. I’m like - “that - I can’t help with…” I cannot do his thinking for him. All I wanted to do was tell him Mrs. B called here and I talked to her. She was looking for my in-laws number - and I told her their phone number is the same. He turns what could have been a nice calm conversation into an argument. For no GD reason. I swear if it wasn’t too cold out, I would just go out for a walk at 10:30pm. If I wasn’t drinking I would get in my car and take off. It’s not me.

Maybe he has early onset Alzheimer's. If he doesn't know what day it is, it may be a symptom of early cognitive decline.

I confess to having memory problems like that. I've heard that folks with Alz can be combative. Perhaps that's from the confusion and fear they're experiencing.

I've also come home from work hungry and in a bad mood, which eventually leads to me yelling.

He's definitely going through something, but you certainly don't deserve to be yelled at!

Now that I'm aware of my behavior and triggers, I've adopted a routine that before I enter the house after work, I release the frustration from the work day, washing it away, almost like taking a quick shower. It took me many years to get to this point, with therapy to prod me along.

Perhaps therapy was suggested in this thread, so I won't repeat it.

Every weekend, when I am with him, it’s something. It must be me. I don’t know how his co-workers can take him. So he leaves a ton of dishes in the kitchen sink, then runs downstairs to his “lair”. If that wasn’t bad enough, because I still have to get my son in the shower and get ready to do my son’s nightly medical therapy (he could have given my son a shower when I was out grocery shopping-but he didn’t). So around 10pm-10:30pm our doorbell rings, it’s the police. Apparently my husband let the dog out in the backyard and never let him back in, because he fell asleep, so the dog must have jumped the fence or something and got out, must have been running around the neighborhood barking, so somebody called. I was busy doing my son’s medical therapy, which uses a machine that’s kind of loud, so I didn’t hear the dog barking. So answering the door, getting the dog in, going out in the backyard to check the gates, all this made me delay attending to my son during his therapy. For all those who suggested my husband has early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s- he doesn’t. I am pretty sure he has ADHD that was never officially diagnosed. But still, I don’t think he can use that as an excuse for all the things he does which just seem to me like selfishness. But whatever, I might be wrong, but it all is getting too much for me to bear with right now,

Has he flat out refused to seek medical treatment for his ADHD? When does he bring it up as an excuse? To the dog incident and the police, did he blame it on his ADHD?

He just slept through the whole thing!. He refuses to admit he has ADHD. He does not use it as an excuse. I am saying that maybe I should forgive him for all the stupid things he does because of it.

Oh, so you are thinking of using it as an excuse for him! I get it now.

I wonder if your husband is trying to escape your/his son's medical issues. Maybe his coworkers are just like him. Wait, don't tell me he's an engineer!

It's just an aside, but I think that ADHD and dementia are related -- both seem to involve dopamine deficiency.

That is very interesting.

I do know from family experience that you can have dementia without ADHD. Both my grandmas and the older sister of one of them had dementia in later years, but they were the opposite of ADHD in their ability to sustain long time concentration and resist distractions.

Sorry, didn't mean to derail the thread.

Where we are is that the H likely has ADHD, is not medicated, but at the same time he himseld is not using ADHD as an excuse.

Basically, I am lonely, bored, and either being balled out or ignored by H. And it makes me sadder than I have ever been.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wherehaveigone26 Basically, I am lonely, bored, and either being balled out or ignored by H. And it makes me sadder than I have ever been.

What I found personally in my own life is that when I got sick & tired enough not to be willing to tolerate the crap any more, I took action to get myself out of the situation. Our being sad & unhappy changes nothing. Taking action empowers us to be strong & independent like we need to be

Yes eskielover- that is the problem, because I have a sick adult child I have to care for, I am dependent on my husband. I was NEVER like this, circumstances have dictated how all of this is going, and I feel helpless. I am making myself my hobby right now.

Yesterday’s events: I had to go for my walk-homework from my personal trainer-came home to sink full of dirty dishes. Husband was putting son in the shower. So when I mentioned to my husband - something like: “I guess you couldn’t wash the dishes while I was out?” - his reply “I gave your son a shower, don’t be greedy.” I don’t know how to avoid letting him get to me. I think I will have heart problems because of it.

Yes, I felt the ache in my chest just from reading that. On the plus side, at least you got to walk -- good for you!

He’s going to give me a heart attack. Same old ***** every d-mn day. He needs to fix his d-mn self, never mind me having to work on myself. How many times can I keep saying the same *****, and he does nothing to change his behavior. Today I let him have it. Now - literally just now- he says to me that - when I am retired - in 2 years (which I have to be-because my son is done with school and nobody to watch him)- I better not complain about him not doing anything. He passes the bank twice every day, and he tells me he needs me to go to the bank. We all have to adjust our behavior because he is a stupid dumb ***** caveman.

33 years in a bad marriage & I communicated quite clearly at what needed changed. As I was leaving permanently he said: "but I did change". I clearly said:" In your own mind but it wasn't obvious to anyone outside your mind".

If you are expecting him to change, you might as well hold your breath forever cause it's NOT going to happen. Bottom line he sees no consequences that would make him change....this has been going on for so long, your getting mad at him is NOT a consequence, it is JUST your behavior. I left 18 years ago this May & my ex is still the same as ever as noticed by our daughter. I live 2100 miles away now so have nothing to do with him but am still in a legal battle against what he did to me financially. They never change

Expecting someone to change because you want them to is an exercise in frustration. That is never why someone changes, one may pretend in order to please but it does not last, ever. This is important to know when communicating with someone, if you avoid phrases like ‘change’ or ‘fix’ whether you say it about yourself or someone else, to yourself or someone else it is meaningless, it is a way of loading one side with not only all of the responsibility to ‘fix’ the relationship but also to decide whether the relationship is worth ‘saving’.
Wherehaveigone, it sounds like you don’t feel that you have the freedom to seperate from your husband, that you ‘need’ him whilst being fully repulsed by him and his repetitive behaviours, it’s a terrible spot to be in. It’s possible that if you just accept that if he is to change he must do it on his terms, like it or not, and that your feedback is only solidifying his lack of intention to change anything then maybe you can save yourself the energy of willing him to fix himself. It’s a burden that doesn’t serve you at all, aside from it being an outlet for your frustration, anger and fear, which really, without a resolution, will forever be replenished.
What are your options here Wherehaveigone, and which ones are the most agreeable to you? None of them may be great right now, but one must be better than another.