[iamtwilight]

AAHHHHHHH!! (excuse me - i just had to do that for starters)

my boyfriend found an online diary i had kept from march to august (2008). i've written about EVERYTHING in it, positive and negative. including how it bothers me that his "friends" don't greet me, how i think he would love me more if i looked more asian, if i was prettier, and that i wanted him to hate my alters so i could scream at him for being unfair and not understanding.

and how i wanted his friends to like me, i wanted him to like me, to have his friends tell him he's lucky. i wrote this in there in these exact words and now he's read it. i feel so foolish.... especially on the "i wanted them to tell him he's lucky" part.

i wrote most of this stuff in april or may so now it's a bit outdated.

but i still feel so foolish! he's not making a big deal out of it though... but he sent me an e-mail with quotes from my diary and THEN HE WROTE HIS REPLY.

i have written in the diary that "if he finds this diary, then so be it. i'm not afraid to discuss anything i've written about." but the truth is - i never knew he would find it. and now that he sent that e-mail - i'm afraid of discussing the matter(s).

especially the friend matter - and my delusion where i think he wants me to be more asian, since he is very into japanese and korean culture.

now, this is the only place where i have privacy.

HE'S READING THAT FRICKIN DIARY. and it bothers me because diaries are kinda private. i KNOW it was online and therefore available to the public... but still. i feel so stupid

(no, he didn't snoop - he found the diary because i told him about the website it was on, and my screenname there is pretty close to my usual one)

may i sleep for three weeks please?

[sabby]

Awww Katie.....could it be that you secretly wanted him to find it so that maybe you could have a talk about what was bothering you back then? Maybe now you are in a better place to discuss it with him then you were a few months ago? I'm sure you realize that if you give out hints and ideas of what is out there, he would want to try to find it. It's human nature hon.

(((((((((((((( katie ))))))))))))))))


sabby

[iamtwilight]

(((sabby))) - thanks for reading.

i don't know.... i didn't tell him i post on that site, i just told i him i read some things from there. it's basically the finnish equivalent of psych central, and has a few different forums, one is dedicated to "journals" though. and when he told me he had found my journal, i had stopped writing in it.. but the stuff i had written there i most certainly did not want him to find (that i had feelings for someone else as well) - and dealing with that was enough stress (for me)

and now he has to bring it up again. dang.

in a way i'm flattered that he finds my mind interesting - i don't think i ever thought of it that way though did say (several times) he was interested in whatever goes through my head... but it never fully sinks in.

if only i had said things in a more mature way! oh well... better start explaining that those things don't matter anymore... only i don't want to read that e-mail anymore, i'm so ashamed i'm glad he didn't call me - hahaha i would've hung up.

maybe back in april, and maybe i still do, wanted to know why his friends didn't greet me. i remember that sometime in may, i made a plan of what i would say, and ask him about it. but i never did, and eventually i got over it as i learned that the ones who do not greet me aren't really friends, but just acquaintances.

crap. i don't want to read it again.

[sabby]

(((((((((((( katie )))))))))))))

I know this feels like a huge mess right now. But I know from past experience that the best way around it is to go through it hon. Face it, talk about, deal with it and move on from there. Sounds like your b/f is a pretty understanding guy. Hopefully dealing with this will open both your eyes to some things that can really work to your advantage and bring you closer together! I sure hope so


sabby

[iamtwilight]

ahhhh. i know. it's such a stupid thing, i should be able to talk about it, it's nothing. besides, he just texted me this minute saying he's sorry if he's made me anxious with that e-mail. well i sure am anxious (or maybe not anxious - just ashamed and feel stupid lol)! but i plan on writing a reply before i go to bed.

his reassurance has already worked to an advantage since i think i trust him a little bit more now - i was convinced he would leave me for some japanese cyber gf i thought he had - which i guess isn't true at all.

ahhh well it's time to put words into action.. so here i go. thanks so much for your support (((sabby)))!