Sinking Feeling

I really need some support. My husband just informed me that he bought tickets for concerts two days in a row. This is a group that I don't particularly care for, so about twice a year he goes with a buddy. But never two days in a row.

He mentioned something in April, but nothing about two days in a row. I'm so hurt right now that I want to do something, like spending a lot of money on something. Any time I talk about doing something he says we're too poor. He thinks this is funny. But it has an impact. I try to be frugal. I don't really need a lot. But this just feels so much like a betrayal.

I'm not in an emotional place to talk to him right now. He'll just get angry. Talking will come later. I just need to connect with what I'm feeling and I'm feeling like crying.

I went to see The Beautiful South three days in a row as I love them so much, I dont think two is too much ! Can I ask why it is that you are upset so much about it ?

Well if you don't have the money to spare I can understand that. This is how my dad is and how my husband is (in a way).

Oh, Doh, that's hard. Do you have a girlfriend or workmate that you can go out to lunch or dinner with while he's at his concert one day? Talking about husbands and their sometimes selfish decisions can help blow off steam "safely" for me.

Perna - Thanks. Yes, I can survive. It's more like he broke a pact that I thought we'd worked out with the help of the marriage counselor. If he'd told me he was thinking about doing that, it would have been different. Now I'm left feeling like he doesn't care about the marriage. And I'm full of ideas of getting back at him because he hurt me. Eventually we'll talk about it. But I have to let a day or two pass because he's feeling self righteous and can't hear me.

My T had me explore "disappointment" once and I got to do that when my husband decided to go "play" instead of do his chores and it was interesting when I went along with his reasoning instead of fighting it. He didn't feel well and was hoping the playing would help take his mind off his pains. I want his to feel good so I decided to go along with that and explore my own sense of why doing his chores at that time should be more important.

You might try that. Sincerely tell him you hope he enjoys himself and comes back more envigorated and refreshed and at the same time look to see what else you would want that is more important than that?

I learned that I had a lot of notions from my stepmother's ideas of how things should be done (chores instead of play but the chores could be there when he got back! why did I feel he had to do them "then" just because I was doing mine then and wasn't part of his enjoying himself?). Could be a little that he's enjoying something and you don't share that, sibling jealousy type thing. Too, you mentioned that he says you all don't have money but why you take his word for it and do what he says, etc. rather than judge and use money or not according to your good judgment? Could be you might want to work on being joint/married in all aspects so he doesn't "control" how you think of the money in the marriage, etc. He's not your father or someone, he's your "partner".

You sound very upset and betrayed by this, Doh2007. I hope you will be able to understand why and eventually talk with your H about it. But that doesn't make it easier now. (((hugs)))

Was the pact you made with your H about spending money without checking with each other? If so, it does sound like you didn't feel your H "checked" with you sufficiently before making his decision to buy concert tickets for 2 days in a row. I can see it would make your own efforts to be frugal seem invalid. Money is the source of a lot of problems in marriages. Communication can help. If it were my H and he came to me and said, "my favorite band is coming to town--you know how much I love them. I know we're trying to save money right now, but this is really important to me and I really want to see them twice in a row. I'm going to try to help make up for it by not going out to lunch for the next month," I wouldn't feel bad at all. But when that communication piece is missing, we can feel betrayed and walked on.

Thank you for helping me get through this. It's hard to give all the background. Let's just say my husband is someone who feels entitled. The last time we hit a bump like this one, it turned out that my husband resented something that I had said months before. I couldn't even remember saying it. Instead of addressing it, he rebelled at it and became secretive.

I know I tend to feel abandoned and do everything I can to overcome it. He's a football addict and I try to hang out with him and have fun watching with him. I've spent years doing this and getting better at it. Then the season is over and he is lost. Then he regroups by making all kinds of plans with his single buddy. We had to see the marriage counselor because he was furious that I wasn't comfortable with the two of them going to Vegas for a few days.

In trying to explain our sides, the counselor asked my why I didn't just say I wasn't comfortable with it? Like that would be totally reasonable. I was shocked.

But everything is hunky dorey as long as I don't object. If I do, he throws a fit. That's why it's a lose-lose situation. The other night I shared my feelings because I thought we'd come so far. But again, he threw a fit. And proceeded to air his grievances as though it was Festivus.

And I've been in shock. It feels like the marriage is over. The counselor can see us next week. I have to somehow survive until then.

Doh
I feel for you so much. Im sorry you have to go through this and I know it can just crush your spirit.
Im dealing with my own situation with the H, so I can understand your pain. I hope you find some peace real soon!!!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you're going through it too.

My husband thinks "it's easier to apologize than get permission." Yesterday I survived by having my freedom fantasy. I felt energized and realized that I'd be just fine thank you if I had to be on my own. I almost don't want to reconcile for a while longer because I'm getting so much done.

On the other hand, I think it's catching up with my husband how much love and support I give him and how much he needs it. I pity the poor fool. <g>

Ok. Hubris over. This got resolved thanks to you guys helping me calm down and see alternatives. What we talked about was the word "permission." He had it in his mind that that's what he was asking for when he wanted to do something with buddies. So he'd sometimes feel resentment at "having" to ask.

We talked again about my abandonment issues and how I try to overcome them. I also reminded him how he'd agreed not to go out more than once a week. And he remembered and still thought it was reasonable.

Then he told me how he sometimes feels like he has to make a decision on the spot when a buddy asks him to do something. He would feel diminished if he had to say, "Oh, I'll have to ask the wife." And I understood.

We're still looking for a signal word or phrase that takes the place of permission. Something that says, "I want to make plans to go out, but I want to be sure I'm not hurting you." If you have any ideas how to say that in one or two words, please share.

Thanks for sitting with me during this process. It made all the difference.

"Fear or Love..I choose Love"

Lenny