spouse with celebrity obsession

Doh, thanks for taking the time.
Not sure on seeing an MC. Much of the rest of our marriage is really great and even the slightest hint that we (or just I) might wish to see an MC (for any reason) would freak her out. Warning bells would go off etc... first thing out of her mouth would be: "why is something was wrong?"
Hmmmm...Could be a good lead in to a discussion of the Toby problem.

Phelps,

You know I kind of see things in a different way, so to speak, so bear with me OK (I do because most of my life was a strategic high stakes chess game-so that's a bit about me). If I'm off-mark, consider it so and dismiss me.

I agree with you that this is a serious *marital issue* (not to mention, if it escalates, it could be serious in other ways).

Here's the thing...it's not her issue solely, your issue solely but now a marital issue. There are TWO parts to this marriage...the whole...without *both* parts equally there is no whole. You should be as proactive in this (if in totally different ways) as she is.

You say that she won't open up to you, yet you've not brought it out on the table. You say she wouldn't take kindly to the mention of marriage counseling, but you've not broached that either. You've not told her it's so obvious that even the kids are aware and questioning. As her husband, I think it's your responsibility when it's affecting her relationship with her children or how they perceive her. Wouldn't you want her to tell you when it came to the kids?

It seems as if there's alot of "predicting" of response here and is one reason things are as they are? For instance, she may not share because she's predicted you wouldn't understand, would be hurt/angry, etc. You predict her responses, so you don't discuss what's now the pink elephant in the house. How's all the predicting, without the discussion, working? I didn't question that in a confrontational way, but in a caring way.

If it were me, I would realize that she can't or won't, or both, clue me in, share with me, etc. In that case, I'm left with little choices but to work things from my end as best I can for the "prize". I might not view my partner working for the "prize", but I realize there might be denial and escape...that my partner isn't capable of seeing right now.

In my clarity and understanding, I would (when not arguing and both feeling good and safe) bring this up...say what I know...say how it makes me feel...ask if I'm right in what I see and beg for something, anything to help me understand.

I would then work from there...possibly including marriage counseling. Yes, even if at first, I went without his knowledge...knowing that I'm working for all the right reasons and it might be necessary for a time.

If this were me, I would be wondering about my comments and beliefs that "everything else in the marriage is fine", because obviously my partner needs whatever this is that it brings for him (possibly due to the same lack of feeling OK to communicate *all*)...then make it my mission to fill that if at all possible...or work with the unrealistic expectations if in place.

Phelps, I guess I'm saying that you seem highly resistant to change what you see in a fear of the result of communication. That's not OK in a marriage. You both seem resistant to open communication, which seems to be the root here.

What is doing nothing going to do? You realize, I think, that you must do something at this point...doing nothing really isn't an option. So a change in thinking might help. Instead of saying what you're not going to do (and thinking that way...feeling limited and without control), why don't you focus on what you *can* do and set the focus there?

With all the suggestions here and I'm sure you've thought of yourself, Phelps, what do you feel you *can* do?

I, for one, will support you more than likely in any decision there because you've shown that you care for the best for your wife...even her comfort levels.

How can we help to support you in what you *can* do? My suggestion, again, is to start with the communication problem that appears obvious as an outsider...starting the convo with, "I love you so very much, and because I do, let's talk..." Use mostly "I statements" without accusation of ugly or personal character attacks. Say things like, "If I'm off-base, please let me know. If I'm not off-base, I want to tell you that I've seen this for a while and am still here...loving you."

Said with respect,

KD

remarkable kimmydawn. remarkable.

Your comments are truly insightful.
I do agree that this likely has a more to do with me than I think.

so yes, I'm going to digest your thoughts then bring it up with her...because you're right, if the kids are noticing and commenting then it's important. And I'm not sure if an "obsession" with a celebrity is a healthy message to be putting across to the kids. Then we can get into the more important things like me and her and communication between us.

it's odd but I feel a good bit of freedom right now.

I'm glad you received my response well and how it was intended...with care.

Yes, this is now a marital problem first, I think, then a family problem (because children are *never* as oblivious as we'd like to believe sometimes...lol).

I think the marital issue should be worked with first...y'all making a strong, united front with the children, then that addressed. They'll probably see it prior anyhow.

I don't speak with a learned knowledge, but more with an "experience is the greatest teacher" way. I've been there...not where your wife is at with the obsession because I've never really had one about another person.

That said, I did have an obsession...I obsessed on keeping my demons hid. When I finally opened up and shared, I was SHOCKED and somewhat ticked that my denial was such a liar. My denial assured me that I was fooling everyone to believe I was OK...better than OK. "It isn't that bad" was my favorite quote to myself and others in my denial. Our denial can be such a liar...and no, it's not a conscious choice made as we can only change what we're aware of. I think you're wife has little to no awareness of how this has consumed her as her actions are, at this point, habit and not consciously decided every time...much like me with my "game" or the drug-dependent person with their addiction. None of that can change without awareness. When I became aware of MYSELF and my actions (isn't that something to say?), I made leaps and bounds to healing.

What amazed me when I had full awareness was that my husband just played along with me for the most part...probably for the same reasons you are. Had he sat across from me, in my face, and told me things he knew, saw, and felt about me. It may have forced me to question my denial I stood so firmly on...bringing about quicker change by shaking that false foundation I stood on for so long. I was actually angry with him for not being honest with me! See, I wasn't aware that I wasn't being honest with myself and others. Denial is a strong force. When I finally dealt with some things, I see why I held onto my "ways" and the denial of them so strongly. See, I "knew" I would not be accepted for who and what I was, quirks and all. I'd be left alone and floundering. What a gift he gave me when he said that he'd always known it and then stood there as a testament that he didn't go anywhere and wasn't going to. I knew I could never just be me...after all, being me was never a good thing. So, even though it might've hurt a bit, the gift he gave me was soooooooo much more than that bit of hurt.

I don't think your wife is choosing to hurt you because I don't think she may be fully aware of the "degree" of things. See, secrets and hiding are our biggest allies in denial.

Another option is that she knows *exactly* what she's doing and cares more to continue on with this than she does about other things and people. Just from what you've said of her and your feelings for her, I just don't believe that to be the case.

I really think this has just snowballed for her and she's just going day to day responding to habit born from obsessive thoughts.

KD

my hubbie is into Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Garner.....

Thank you again Kimmydawn
And thanks for sharing a bit of your personal story. It is so helpful to get various perspectives on this from people who have been in somewhat similar situations.
Yes, you're right again, this is a marital issue first...kids come later.

I suppose it is possible that my wife obsessing about TK has become a habit. I hadn't thought about it in those terms. I'm digesting that too on top of all your other great insights

I've always assumed she knew what she was doing and was keeping it a secret from me so, not only so would she not hurt me, but mainly because she knew her obsession was unacceptable.

See, for lack of a better term, my wife is what you might consider a "boat non-rocker" meaning she dislikes confrontation, she likes "everybody to just get along", "everybody to be happy" and "don't invade other's space". Dealing with uncomfortable issues doesn't seem to come easy to her. With the kids I'm usually the one who ends up being the "bad cop". And I'm trying to remember but I think most every time we've had a marital issue, I've been the one to bring it up. She does get involved and communicative once the discussion starts but bridging that gap from daily life to "we need to talk" is a challenge for her.

I've known her and her family very well for 28 years. She was brought up in a household where there was a lot of love but little discussion of the "darker" things that go on in people's heads. You were expected to deal with that yourself. The status quo was "it's all good", "put on a happy face", "bite your lip and get on with it", kind of idea. Perhaps this is the "denial" you're talking about. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it was denial or just "deal with your own problems quietly". Perhaps they're the same thing.

So while my wife may have formed obsessive habits, I do believe she still knows that what she's doing would hurt me, and us.

Anyways, I plan to discuss the problem this weekend. I guess my biggest question since you asked how you could support me in this, is:
how to bring up the fact that, (to put this in the most unglamorous terms possible,) I've basically been "stalking her internet searches for the last 7 months." I'm not sure if she'll just shut me down after she knows that tidbit of info or if she'll be too discombobulated to even continue the discussion.

your thoughts would be appreciated.

The best advice I can give you at this point is...

You've given me a very good picture of her and her thinking, so my suggestion is not to overload her...especially based on her history (which, btw, explains alot to me). I think what started out in her life as "deal with your own problems quietly" turned into the denial that she's so gifted at in this...a gift she didn't ask for.

A big clue you gave me was how you said she responds to different things in life. People generally relate to, and treat, others as they want to be treated. So, how do you predict she would address this with you? Maybe start there?

That's one reason I would say not to give her too much information...stick with basic facts, stay calm, don't accuse, and mostly don't invade that personal space that she apparently holds dear. Stick with facts on how it's interfering in the marriage and making you feel (using "I statements).

I wouldn't demand to know her personal thoughts, the "feel-good" she gets from it, etc. Honestly, she might not have answers for those. I'm being serious.

Then afterwards, can you plan a getaway with her...just the two of you?

Please let us know how it goes. I wish you very well. Private message me if you want.

KD