spouse with celebrity obsession

Hi
Phelps here. New member, first post.

I'm here for a reason. I'm at a bit of a loss right now as I'm looking for some suggestions about how to proceed with a problem I have.
I posted to "ask the Therapist" a couple weeks ago but not received a response so I'm figuring my problem isn't the right "kind" of problem.

It is to me though.

There's a lot to this problem, most of which I won't bore you with here but it seems my wife of 20+years (4 children) has developed an obsession with a certain celebrity.
Now I'm not a "celebrity watcher" myself so I don't know whether my wife's obsession is "normal" or even an real "obsession" at all.

If needed, I can provide details about her actions to give clarity to the degree of her infatuation.

It's probably important though that you know this is a "secret" obsession of hers. She never speaks about this celebrity in the house and has no idea that I know about it, or that I'm asking for help on this.

My wife's obsession first came to my attention though my eldest daughter who made an offhand comment to me in the car one day. Following this, there were a few other cues in quick succession that piqued my curiosity as well. When I started digging...it became obvious quite quickly. I began to see many past events, purchases and conversations in a very different light.

My two questions are:
1) Has anyone else out there had a spouse with a serious and secret celebrity obsession? What did you do? How did it turn out?

2- Do I approach m,y wife with this issue or is it something I let run it's course? (If I do approach her it may be very embarrassing for her and could break a lot of trust between us)

I can give you my thoughts on your second question: You can start a relaxed conversation with your wife about this, say your daughter said something that made you wonder and you'd like to learn more. I suggest that you not use words like "obsession" and "infatuation" in that first conversation. don't make prejudgements, just ask.

If her focus on a celebrity could endanger herself or others, you have to get professional help.

If this is a matter of a crush, an enjoyment of entertainment media about this person, doesn't sound like that would be a problem. Nor necessarily would be a fantasy about the person, unless it interferes in her relationship with you and others.

I agree with everything that CedarS said, especially about not using those words when you first bring it up with her. She'd definitely tune out everything you say after that.

Hi,

I help out some with the Ask the Therapist questions (just fixing typos and whatnot before posting, I'm not one of the therapists!), and I can tell you both that there is no "right" kind of question and that they are really backed up. There are only 3 of them and they all have time-consuming day jobs, etc and do this in their spare moments. So don't lose hope of getting an answer.

Personally, I don't have any good answers to your questions, but I wish you well. PC is a great place for support.

Candy

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like she's going to run off with this person, and I'm sure she's aware of it too. I don't see the problem with enjoying a little "eye candy" once in a while.

I used to catch my husband drooling over Selma Hayak after we first got married. I don't look anything like her, but in the real world he chose ME - and shows me he loves me every day. I don't consider her to be a threat, so I have no problem with him enjoying her movies. Besides, I reap the benefits, lol.

I used to have a "crush" on JFK, Jr., and would often tease my husband that he's the only man I'd ever leave him for. When the plane crashed, I teased my husband that he probably had something to do with the crash. During the weeks that followed, my husband made sure to buy all the magazines with JFK. Jrs. photos included. It only made me love my husband more.

I read an article on this a little while ago and the conclusion seemed to be that these celebrity "crushes" are harmless and may even have some positives. After time, they diminish, and before that, can be a source of harmless fun. I hesitate to admit it, but I had a secret crush on a celebrity at one time. I hesitate because I'm embarrassed about it! That is why I kept it more or less secret. My close friends did not know, but my family did. It was harmless and fun. I still like this celebrity but am not "obsessed" anymore. It ran its course, just like any other crush. I did make some friends who had the same crush and that was a positive for me. I never had any illusions that this celebrity would ever reciprocate my crush. Just worship from afar.

Thanks for your input folks. It's very nice of you to take the time to respond.

CedarS: As you suggested, I did bring this celebrity (Toby Keith) up in casual conversation. I hoped we would have an air-clearing discussion....and, rest assured, I did not use weighty words such as "obsession" and "infatuation".
I wouldn't say my wife was abrupt in her response, but I could tell she wanted me to stay well away from further discussion. I think her words were: "You like Billie Holiday's music, I like his music". Then she walked away.

I do think too, that from the nature of your helpful replies I've received here that perhaps I either need to explain the depth of the problem more fully or that you folks and I simply have different expectations of our marital relationship and vows.
I have a hard time seeing a "crush" on other person (whether the person down the street or some untouchable celebrity) as something that is "not a problem".
To me, part of what's important in marriage fidelity is what's going on in a spouse's head. If your wife or husband is fantasizing about being with another person and wishing to be with that other person more that you...that hurts. I'm sorry, and maybe I'm old-fashioned that way, but by the looks of some of my spouse's actions...she infatuated with another man...and to be honest, it hurts.
In addition to this I also think that based on how hard my wife is trying to hide her "obsession", that she is well aware that she's "outta line" and that she would be hurting me if I knew.
KathyM, it seems like your "crush" on JFK and your husbands "crush" on Selma H were out in the "open" in your relationship. Would your reaction be different if you happened upon your husbands "crush" accidentally? Especially if your husband very rarely mentioned Selma? What if you found evidence of him trying to get her home address? And what about if you realized he was trying to find out where she was on set and secretly planning trips to be closer to her? What if he started mentioning ways in which you could change your grooming, clothing and appearance...only to find out later that he wanted you to look more like Selma?
What I'm getting at here is that I think the idea of what you folks have in mind when you think of a "celebrity crush" is not what's happening in my life right now.

As CedarS suggested, I don't think the situation is as serious as my wife endangering herself or others. She is looking at real estate on Toby Keith's street though.

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phelps said:
To me, part of what's important in marriage fidelity is what's going on in a spouse's head.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think you're going where angels fear to tread? We're all "free" to think what we think. If you're wishing to direct your wife's thoughts, that's probably not a good direction to go in, mostly because it's not possible but also doesn't show a lot of trust or self-esteem either.

I would look at my own feelings of jealousy of a person my wife will never be with to get to really know; for all practical purposes, an "imaginary" character. If you have a jealous streak in you and your wife is aware of it, I wouldn't have wanted to continue the conversation either if it felt like you were going to be accusatory. What she is thinking is her personal business and "demanding" to know what that is in any way is crossing her personal boundaries.

I would let her know in a fun way that you are jealous of Toby Keith and make that into something "fun" between the two of you, something she can tease you about and you can tease her back by doing things for her he obviously can't (anything at all romantic and loving!). You can get to know her better and what she enjoys about him and even emulate his attraction she has for him (other than by singing; singing his songs in the shower if you can't sing is probably a bad idea :-)

Maybe listen to some of his songs and see if you see what attracts her to him and his music?

Here's the article that I mentioned:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21256467/

An excerpt:
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Moms, your secret crush can be a good thing

snip

Here’s the good news: Having a secret mommy crush doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, about to have an affair, in a bad marriage and/or that you married the wrong guy. So why do these crushes happen?

Secret crushes can make a woman feel like a woman again. It’s hard to feel like your sexy self when you’re constantly cleaning up dirty laundry, dirty diapers, helping the kids with homework or cooking all the time. Sometimes being a mom and wife, although terrific in countless ways, can get a woman feeling more like a servant than a supermodel.

Having a crush is really less about the other person and more about us having the feelings we want to have, i.e., like feeling alive, excited, exciting and beautiful. Sometimes crushes are motivators to do something nice for yourself, like work out or buy something pretty and new, activities that some moms have a hard time doing for themselves. Secret crushes, when not acted on, are safe, sexy yet simultaneously ego-boosting. This intoxicating feeling often happens during transitional moments in a woman’s life.

snip

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I agree with Perna. I had a boyfriend years ago that had a crush on Farah Fawcett, and he wanted me to cut my hair to look like her. I didn't mind cutting my hair for him - heck, it made me look good, lol. Your wife may be really "hot," but I doubt she stands a chance with Toby Keith.

If I discovered my husband had a secret crush and looked into personal information about a celebrity, I'd probably just tease him - but I'd be sure to let him know if that person was going to be on TV, etc.

I think your best bet on keeping your wife faithful is to give her a little space to have this "crush." You could score some MAJOR points with her if you planned a trip to see him in concert (if he's touring anywhere). Make it a second honeymoon for you two. That way, in the future when she thinks of him she'll only be able to think of that romantic trip you two took together. Take back your wife, man (lol/jk).

Ok phelps. I'm going to have to agree with you now. You feel like you aren't the most important person to her right? Been there. And I believe it does dishonor your marriage.

If you don't already have one, you might try to find a good marriage counselor. I think everyone would benefit from having one on call. If your wife refuses to go, see if you can go yourself and let the counselor help you figure out how to talk to your wife. It really helps to have a third person help the other person see our point of view.

It doesn't really matter if the crush is innocent or obsessive. It's enough that it hurts you. That isn't good for the marriage.

Doh Thanks for your post.

Based on the previous responses I was beginning to feel like this problem and the niggling pain it was causing me was something I should ignore. So I was considering leaning in that direction. Then again, ignoring a problem seems like odd advice from a Psych website.

Just so you know, my wife also has an "celebrity crush" on the talk show host Craig Ferguson. She thinks he's handsome and funny, she checks his website often, watches his clips on youtube. We watch his TV show together. On my wife's request we went to see him live when he came to town.
I think he's great too. I tease my wife about him and make her laugh by using some of his same lines.
I'm pretty sure this is the kind of "celebrity crush" some of you folks are talking about.
It's quite another matter with Mr. Keith.

I'd like to address a couple of your responses though.

Sunrise: I watched the clip and read the snip. Sorry to be blunt here but it seems very disappointing to say the least that "Secret mommy crushes" are a good thing. Come on!
Take a very hard look at the context of that "news item".Take a good look at who's hosting the show, who the vast majority of the audience is and who the "Dr." is.
I gotta wonder in that context (a female run interview, with the vast majority being moms who watch it) sure, secret mommy crushes will be deemed "good".
If we flipped it though, to the "boy" side of things, I gotta think it's nearly tantamount to a bunch of construction workers at a strip bar telling each other how "right" it is to be there.
Sorry I'm not biting.

Perna: Thanks for the time you took to write and attaching the clip. I agree, Toby's a hunk, he's funny and writes cool songs. Yep there's a lot to like.
But, I don't think it's a matter of me trying to direct my wife's thoughts, and I didn't mean to give that impression. I'm wanting to bring a hidden difference, between my wife and I, into the light. I want to talk about it and get clarity on where we stand. I'm simply asking for advice on the most tactful way to do that...or if I should do it at all.

And I'm "stickin' to my guns" here: No, I don't think an obsession for another person outside a marriage is a good thing. I never will and no amount of "it's harmless" will convince me otherwise. I don't think my wife thinks it's okay either, based on the trust we've built up over 24 years of marriage and 5 years of dating...and based on the fact that she's *hiding* this obsession. The operative word being *hiding*. The fact that she's hiding her penchant for Toby tells me that she probably thinks it's wrong too.

Sure, part of me feels very betrayed. I wouldn't be in this forum if I didn't. And that part of me wants to sit down and start a conversation with her, like this: "Sweetie...we both know how much you enjoy Toby Keith. I want you to know that I know absolutely everything about how much you like him."

Another part of me loves her so much that putting my wife in that spot would be very painful and I'm tempted to simply ride it out and hope (as someone suggested) that this obsession will just simply pass.

And on top of that, the more I think about it, part of me wants to know if there's something in me, as her husband, where I've been lacking that would drive her to "crush" on another man in an attempt to fill the gap I've somehow created.

which way to go?

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phelps said:
Sunrise: I watched the clip and read the snip. Sorry to be blunt here but it seems very disappointing to say the least that "Secret mommy crushes" are a good thing. Come on!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I was passing on that article to be helpful not antagonistic. It sounds like you already have your mind made up on this issue, so you don't want anyone to give their opinion or pass along information to you. Okie dokie.

I don't think the obsession (whether innocent or not) would be my concern here.

What would be my overall and biggest concern is the secrecy and hiding. That can't ever be good in a marriage unless it's to plan a surprise b'day party or something.

Whenever there's secrecy in a marriage, there's a closed door between the partners...the life partners.

Closed doors, wondering what's on the other side inviting suspicious thoughts, wondering why there's not the trust and confidence *not* to hide behind a closed door, etc. are things I would have concern about.

I don't think we leave all doors in a relationship open all the time, and I'm not saying that BUT I don't think there should be locks on any doors with *current* issues (yes, I think past is past when it comes to a relationship and those doors should be locked and sealed shut sometimes especially if we stay in that same relationship).

If she were openly having a teeny crush on someone and shared it (like the one you mentioned), I think that's natural, normal and fine.

However, withholding, hiding, planning outside of the marital relationship something that can directly affect it and communication gaps that can lead to suspicion, distrust, low confidence, etc. just can't be good no matter how it's looked at.

All that said, you mentioned that you'd done some things that would risk her trust in you (suggesting invading on that which wasn't invited)...so much so that you're limited in what you can say to her that you know isn't good either. It sounds like you two need to sit down for a big, all out on the table heart to heart.

Just my thoughts...again it's not the "crush" which can be natural, it's the manner in which it's being handled that is concerning (maybe on both ends).

I wish you more than well. Though it wasn't a celebrity crush, or even similar crush, I've been where you're at and learned the hard way. Basically, if the issue in any way contributes to any type of distance in a marriage, it's risky. Marriages are hard enough these days without the added distance "closed doors" can bring.

KD

"Sunrise Quote: "I was passing on that article to be helpful not antagonistic. It sounds like you already have your mind made up on this issue, so you don't want anyone to give their opinion or pass along information to you. Okie dokie."

Sunrise: Thanks for your post.
I do realize you were trying to be helpful.
I think were focusing on two different elements of my problem here.
Yes, I have made up my mind on the issue of "secret mommy crushes". I think that's pretty clear. I made up my mind up on that issue when i got married 24 years ago.

While, sure, I didnt agree with your post, I actually found the clip way more disappointing: that people condone having what's basically an "affair in your mind". Geez. I can, in no way, see harboring secret affair-like thoughts as being helpful in a marriage.
And I do value the opinions of "anyone", and you too...I just have to be granted the freedom to agree or disagree as well. Sorry if my response was a little abrupt but I was more reacting to the clip.

The fact of the matter is "yes" I've made up my mind on "secret mommy obsessions". There's no point in anyone telling me they are "okay" and "healthy". I'm more looking for advice on how to deal with the one my wife has and the best way to approach her with this that won't build walls.

kimmydawn: "Bang... bang... bang... bang" That's the sound of you nailing the head on this thing again and again. I can tell...you've been there. Thanks so much for your post.

What i think I might have to do here is compile some of the events that have me posting here. Maybe I can get peoples opinion on whether this is just a crush or if it really is an obsession. I'll think I'll get to work on that.

Well, similar yet different to what Kimmydawn said, if I did have a crush on a celebrity and I knew that my husband was the jealous/territorial type, I'd probably not parade it about either - I'd more likely keep it to myself.

But, I read what Phelps said about her looking at real estate in that guy's neighborhood, and yeah, that would kind of freak me out too.

Thanks for your feedback everybody. I think that the some of the responses showed me that I have not provided enough detail about my situation. This is a post about all the junk (“evidence”) behind me thinking my wife has an obsession with Toby Keith.

As you read you'll quickly see that I’ve changed the all roles for the purpose of my “little story” below. I know it seem odd for a forum like this but not only was this to help you to “be in my shoes” but it was more to help me to write it all down as it was, quite frankly, very painful to write this about my wife. I feel like the betrayer.

But thanks in advance for reading.

What would you think if you were in this situation?

------------------------------------------------------

Your husband works with special needs folks. He has just returned from an internship in another state. He's been gone a month. He comes in the door sporting new duds, a "$3.00” (his words) cowboy hat (an odd look in big city suburbia) and he has bought a couple of Shania Twain CDs.

You think nothing of it, though oddly enough, he never plays the CD's in the house.

One day he offhandedly suggests that you change your hair-style and color and wear a little more, and darker, makeup. What’s the harm? You oblige him and he seems very happy with the results.

Months pass. One day you have your daughter with you in hubby’s car. As your daughter presses through the 6 CD changer, she's frustrated that every CD is Shania Twain. She opens the glove box and a pile more of Shania’s CD's fall out. "Dad has such an obsession with her" she says, exasperated. "Even his clothes...come on...his clothes".

Back at home you decide to check those clothes...hmmm… "Lucky Brand and Diesel brand" jeans and shirts? You go online: and it's there - both are Twain endorsed and the name brand clothes Shania wears. You check that “$3.00” cowboy hat placed carefully on the top shelf in his closet: "S.T. Brand".

Still, no big deal. He likes Shania. He’s a fan and it’s all good.
You also suddenly realize though, passing the mirror that, with your new hairstyle and make-up, you perhaps look more like Shania than you once did.
On a hunch you decide to check the master bedroom computer.
You're blown away: the search history is crammed with basically “everything Shania”.
“Well, hubby seems to have something of a crush", you say out loud, “perhaps I’ll have to razz him about this.”

But before you can dig any deeper, the kids have to be picked up from school. When you get back home hubby is there and the next time you check...the computer's entire search history is cleared. Gone. Vanished.
“So this is something he doesn’t want me to know”, you think, “I’d better hold off on the teasing.”

But, having a bit of a geek-streak, you know how to get around hurdles like erased web searches and since your curiosity is rather piqued as to how far this "crush" goes, you decide that you’re going to look into it. So once the coast is clear, you hit the keyboard.

Every aspect of Shania's existence is there. Hundreds of pictures and video clips looked at, her whole history including full and thorough research into each aspect of that history: where she was born, her elementary school, her high school, her favorite college and high-school teams, her favorite horses, her clothing line (here you realize his "$3.00" cowboy hat was closer to a "$100.00" cowboy hat and the jeans were $130.00). He's found out Shania’s favorite vacation spots and researched those places as well. Oh, and the new shampoo he's been using - yep...the one Shania uses.

"Okay" you think, "this is a little over the top. Seems there's a little untruth-telling going on too.”

Over the following days and weeks you find many interesting things:

You find a lot of people's names in hubby’s web searches...names that you research yourself trying to figure out who these people are: turns out they’re Shania's kids, parents, brother's and sisters.

There is extensive...and I mean EXTENSIVE research into Shania's husband. "Why him?" you ask yourself, "Why is my hubby wanting to learn about her husband so much?" You head reels a bit at the possibilities.

You also realize a lot of web searches are based around a certain town in...say...Oklahoma. It doesn't take too long to realize this is where Shania lives.
Many pictures of the town have been looked at. Shania's church has been found, researched and map-quested to get it’s location. The cemetery where her grand dad was buried has been researched and map-quested. Demographics of the town have been researched as well as programs and athletics the local high school. The local newspaper articles on Shania have been researched.

You choke a bit when you realize too that he's been looking at real estate in her town. You choke more when you notice he's been looking for work for himself there too. And he's found the local Starbucks….his favorite coffee.
A real zinger hits you when you realize that hubby seems to have found out Shania's home address. It's been map-quested.

Furthermore there are many, many other towns/cities across the continent that pop up in his web searches as well. A quick look tells you they are all Shania concert venues. Emails and such reveal that, for some of these shows, he's been trying to use his work with Special Needs people to gain access to front row Shania concerts.

As the days go on, it's painfully obvious that each time your hubby logs on the computer...when he gets off - his search history is cleared. Empty. A lot of what hurts, you realize, comes from knowing that he wants his “little crush” to be a secret.

Somewhere along the line you remember commenting to him about how “into Shania” he was.
“You like Frank Sinatra, I like Shania’s music”, was all he said.
Now you just shake you head in disappointment at that
under-statement of the year.

The clincher comes when hubby asks if you want to go on a holiday with him to visit his old friend from high-school - the first trip to visit this friend ever. It's a very busy time for you with work and a trip couldn't come at a worse time. There's no way you can go.

But he still really wants to go...so you let him...fighting back the tears as you know this high school friend of his lives just across the border, in the next state, from Shania Twain.

Part of you feels like saying, "Hon, just go...go and do what you need to do...take as much time as you want...figure it all out, but when you come back, I need you come back to be with just me."
But for some stupid reason you bite your tongue.

So he does go on the trip. He's incommunicado for most of a week. It's a dagger to the heart when you get back home from the airport where you dropped him off to find that before he left he map-quested directions from his buddy's town to several "spots of interest" in Shania's town. At night you toss and turn on your bed. In the confusion and unreality of sleepless nights you start asking yourself: “Is it over?”

When he does finally phone you subtly ask about any "sidetrips". "Nope there were none", he says. You have to believe him, or it might as well be over.

When he returns sporting a second "$3.00" cowboy hat (same brand - different color) and more Shania duds...you’ve convinced yourself that he must still be fondling thoughts of her in his head, and it's time to bring all this out in the open.

You realize though that you’re too close to the problem. You want to find someone to give you advice on how to bring this up with him or whether you should even bring it up at all. Problem is...all your close friends are mutual.

So you go online...here...Psych central and you're told that secret daddy crushes are fine. They are harmless. You are told to tease him about Shania. You are told that you've been breaking trust with hubby. You are told you need to let him feel free and "intoxicated" with his secret crush.
You sigh and realize that perhaps they don’t really understand and you need to make things clearer…so you begin writing this post.

_____________________________________________________________



So there it is in a nutshell.

No, I don't think my wife is a danger to Toby. I know this sounds like she may be a stalker and maybe she is. Depends what happened on that trip she took. I don’t know.

It may come as a surprise but my wife and I generally have a great, friendly and happy relationship...other that this secret. She’s hiding the secret and I’m hiding the fact that I know the secret and the last few months have indeed had some underlining tension in our relationship.
We have worked out some tough times in the past. We have good communication skills and are generally able to express what we are feeling with accuracy and very little finger pointing.

This is a biggy for me though and I don’t want to drive a wedge between my wife and I. Suggesting a marriage counselor is a bit of a no-no as I don’t want to blindside her with something that serious. And yes she would see an invite to a marriage counselor as the last step before the big “D”. Probably too big of a leap right now.

She and I, we need to discuss this first - the two of us. Or maybe I just need to vent a bit because I’m not so sure she’s ready to have her “obsession” brought into the light. Maybe I should just ride this out with a smile on my face. Or perhaps wait for an opportune moment. Perhaps ask her what she would think if I had a secret celebrity obsession that has a lot of the same characteristics as her obsession.

I do want to clear the air though. I think it's wrong she has this obsession. But I know it'll hurt her, and me, and us, if I bring it up.

I honestly do not know what to do.

I do know one of the biggest questions that I’m dying to know the answer to, is what event, what moment, what thing or series of things was it that, during her internship away from home, made her decide “Toby Keith”?

Phelps

Now that you put it THAT way, I definitely see your point. The so-called "crushes" my husband and I have had meant nothing because neither one of us take much stock in celebrities and never tried to hide anything from each other.

If it were me, I'd find a good time when the two of you were alone and ask outright what's the deal with her obsession with that man. The lengths she goes to doesn't sound natural, so something must be going on in her head.

Hopefully, that good relationship you've had all these years will help your cause. It may be embarrassing for her, but maybe she'll have a little compassion when she sees how it makes you feel. Her secretive behavior is similar to someone who IS having an affair, even if it's just an "image." It might even feel worse to play "second fiddle" to an image - hard to compete with an airbrushed entertainer.

Good luck

Thanks for your input Kathy. Yeah, it was "my bad" for not explaining fully. I'm glad I did. Seems when someone says "celebrity crush" they immediately think something "tame", silly and harmless.
I tried to beef it up by calling it an "obsession" but I think people still read it as a "crush".
One reason I am holding off though is that my wife is 43 and pre-menopausal. She is having to take some extra estrogen to balance out her moods with her cycle. That was only in the last couple of months though and this "obsession" has been on since last May. Not sure if this whole thing is girl's version of a mid-life crisis. If it is, does that mean we don't talk about it? Not sure on that.

I still think you should go to a marriage counselor.

Doh, are you talking about just me or both of us?

If we both go to a marriage counselor it means that I've told her *why* we're going. My wife would feel very betrayed and ganged up on if I dragged her to a MC without telling her why and then proceeded to blurt out all this pent-up frustration (see long post above for those just arriving).
Going to a MC means we've brought up the "obsession". It would mean we haven't resolved the problem ourselves.

Kathy &amp; Kimmydawn think my wife and I should just sit down and tell all. I want to agree but what I think has often been wrong. I want to make sure.

I don't think there is anything wrong with going to a marriage counselor before trying to resolve the problem yourself. I don't see marriage counseling as a last resort - in fact, your wife might not even feel ganged-up-upon depending upon the way you unload your frustration - who knows? The counselor might tell YOU that you're misinterpreting the situation.

I'm not saying that you're wrong or that your wife's interest in Toby Keith is anywhere close to healthy, but I do think that you should stay open to the idea. For as frustrated as you are, I'd be more concerned about trying to talk to your wife without an objective 3rd party - if you mess up the discussion, she could end up tuning you out completely and then there is no way you'll get her to a MC.

phelps

Maybe you could start out by asking her if she'd like to see a MC with you. You could take some of the heat by saying her attraction/obsession with TB makes you feel insecure in your marriage.

Just tossing out ideas for you..

Thanks for the posts lMo & Kathy.
The main positive I see out of this is I am getting some 3rd person advice and by explaining my situation more fully (which it seems you folks have read and I thank you for taking that time) I am feeling more understood.

LMo: I agree there's nothing wrong with going to a marriage counselor. I've been looking up some of the local ones for me to go to, on my own, if just to get a professional perspective on how to proceed.
And I do agree, this may partially be my doing. I've been examining and re-examining my own behaviors trying to figure out if there's something in our relationship which is encouraging her to look elsewhere for intimacy.

A marriage counselor is an expert in communication. You don't even have to bring up the big thing right away. Just tell your wife you think you're having trouble communicating. When everyone feels safe, you can bring up touchy stuff.