[Genesis]

I don't really know how to ask this, so bare with me. My marriage is a complete mess, there are faults on both sides (of course) but my husband won't admit to his and blames our problems on my "laziness." He says if I could "snap out of it", things would be better. He won't accept that I have a disorder or "condition" (whatever you want to call it), and refuses to sit down and just talk about our marriage.

To be honest, I don't see our marriage lasting very much longer. We've been in counseling for a about a month but he goes and just sits there with nothing to say. His behavior at home is terrible; he won't help with the kids or the house, treats me okay until we have sex (or he takes care of it himself) then treats me like a dog or completely ignores me, he's not interested in my life (interests, hobbies, studies, etc.) but wants me to be involved with his business until there's something he doesn't want me to know about, in which case he hides until after the fact.

Yet all of this is MY fault because I can't act normal and am always isolated with no friends, no interactions, and no life. I'm the one to blame because I can't "get ahold of [myself]."

Another problem is the way I percieve our marital problems. Sometimes I think my emotions are amplified. I've been told that I analyze too much and make things out to be something they aren't.

So I guess I need to know 1.) is my husband right about me being at fault, and 2.) am I wrong for feeling hopeless over my marriage and feeling like things are worse than other people see them.

Sorry if I've talked in circles, there is just SO MUCH stuff I need to get out-I just don't know where to start or how to get it all out on the table, or know who to tell!

[seeking]

Know that other people are in similar situations and talking does help.
I truly sympathise with you! Communication is THE most important thing and when you cannot do this, everything else comes to a halt.
You don't mention what the disorder or the 'laziness' as your husband calls it, is.
You sound like the one who is facing the problem head on and not skirting around the edges. You do sound like you want to make it work. From where I am standing that does not sound unreasonable. Perhaps you need to see a councelor on your own. It may be that your husband is manipulating you and perhaps breaking down your self-esteem.
I tend to over analyse and am trying to get out of the habit. One needs to know where to stop analysing and when to take action. This I have personally found tricky. There is always the 'but what if this or what if that' question that keeps you analysing more. I try to balance it out by sometimes following my inner gut feeling.
I hope that you succeed in finding out who you are and what will make you happy.
Know that others care.

[shakes]

Genesis,
You have to know that this is not your fault. You have a disease and are doing the best that you can. Depression and other mental illness make us feel sad, tired, and want to isolate ourselves from others. How is that your fault? You did not ask for this to happen to you?
I know that it is difficult, but you cannot start to help yourself without first stop being so hard on yourself. Do the best that you can do and that is all that can be done.
It does not sound like your husband is very supportive and for that I am sorry. I am sorry that I do not have any advice on how to handle the situation with him understanding. Just know that we are here to try to help you sort through all this stuff.

Stay strong,
Jessica

[LMo]

I actually have a perspective about this!

I am in your husband's shoes. My fiance has had a few MDEs, although he is managing his depression/anxiety well now, due to the right meds and a good therapist. Your husband is frustrated with you, and I can completely relate to his frustration! He guaranteed does not understand mental health disorders, as evidenced by his command to "snap out of it". An excellent book that you should buy for your husband is How You Can Survive When They're Depressed by Anne Sheffield. I belong to a related online forum, similar to this one, but that is intended for the spouses/significant others of people who suffer from depression/bipolar. It has its share of drama, but your husband will find an entire community of people who can relate to his frustration, and while there are some who wallow in the frustration and don't move on, there are also many others (like myself) who urge understanding of those who suffer from mental health issues and diligently work to find solutions to the problems. If your husband is interested in checking it out, PM me and I'll email him the link to the forum.

I urge you to not spend too much time wondering if he's right that it's your fault. That's the last thing you need, is more guilt on top of everything. It doesn't matter whose fault it is... if you're a team, then you're a team. Each team member needs to try their best and pull his/her own weight, and that does not necessarily mean that the weight will always be equal. Just do your best.

[Genesis]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I actually have a perspective about this!

I am in your husband's shoes. My fiance has had a few MDEs, although he is managing his depression/anxiety well now, due to the right meds and a good therapist. Your husband is frustrated with you, and I can completely relate to his frustration! He guaranteed does not understand mental health disorders, as evidenced by his command to "snap out of it". An excellent book that you should buy for your husband is How You Can Survive When They're Depressed by Anne Sheffield. I belong to a related online forum, similar to this one, but that is intended for the spouses/significant others of people who suffer from depression/bipolar. It has its share of drama, but your husband will find an entire community of people who can relate to his frustration, and while there are some who wallow in the frustration and don't move on, there are also many others (like myself) who urge understanding of those who suffer from mental health issues and diligently work to find solutions to the problems. If your husband is interested in checking it out, PM me and I'll email him the link to the forum.

I urge you to not spend too much time wondering if he's right that it's your fault. That's the last thing you need, is more guilt on top of everything. It doesn't matter whose fault it is... if you're a team, then you're a team. Each team member needs to try their best and pull his/her own weight, and that does not necessarily mean that the weight will always be equal. Just do your best.

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I am so sorry you have to deal with this on the other side, I can't imagine what life is like for you (and my husband). I think the only thing worse than living with a mental condition, is living with someone who has one. I wish your husband a speedy recovery!

As for my husband reading anything, forget that idea. I've tried to get him to read other books about depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety before but he wasn't interested. I've researched the conditions and printed things out for him but they never get touched; he just doesn't do it.

I have actually thought about going to counseling by myself. It would be nice to get out of the house by myself every once in a while and not have to worry about kids screaming and hubby giving me attitude. If I can get a sitter, I will do it! I miss being able to pour my heart out to a stranger. There was a weird comfort in that for some reason.

To everyone, I am so thankful for this site and everyone on it! It's awesome to get and give advice, but most of all, it means so much just to know other people really care and are there for me!

Thank you again!!!

I too lived with someone who didn't believe in "depression". He told me that it was in my head! Duh? I'm sorry you're going through this. Going to a therapist alone will help you! Go for it! Pat

[Genesis]

I asked him last night, if I bought a book for him, would he read it. He said he'd try. That usually means he doesn't care but doesn't want me to know he doesn't want to do it.

I've almost given up!

[Wants2Fly]

Tough one, Genesis.

I'm wondering what "giving up" means for you in this situation. Giving up trying to change him and developing acceptance in yourself? Giving up in the sense of giving yourself permission to plunge into deeper negative emotions?

In the final analysis, the only behavior we can control is our own, including how you respond to his refusal to educate himself.

[Genesis]

I meant giving up on my marriage, know I can't change HIM.

[Wants2Fly]

This is a difficult decision to make.

[PlanningtoLive]

Genesis,

Welcome to the forums, btw. I also have a h that blames me for absolutely everything. He is bipolar as well (like myself) and thinks that I can live without the meds......since I can't, then everything is my fault. His thinking is way off the wall, but it is hard to simply put what he says aside.

Don't waste your time thinking it's all your fault - I don't believe that. If your h can't or won't change, look at your situation and check to see if you can live/manage on your own. If it is better for you, then do it. You don't need extra stress.

[Genesis]

Well, things have been going a little better the last few days. The last time we argued, instead of getting angry, I cried. I noticed that made a difference in how he responded to and treated me. I don't know why and it freaks me out.

PtE, I've thought about leaving in the past and even did for a few months while pg with my oldest. I am in a very BAD situation at the present time though. I take online classes and he pays for my internet, so if I left, I'd have to drop out and begin to pay my $12,000.00 loan off-that I don't have. I also run a MK business out of my home. I've invested a lot of money into it and if I left now, I'd be put in a worse situation with no means of transportation since he pays for that too. Other than the MK thing, I have no job. I have sparatic income that is far from steady and no one to care for my kids (whom I'd trust) when I had to get a job.

I just feel TRAPPED! Ugh!

[PlanningtoLive]

I understand the feeling of being trapped. Mine watches our son as well, which enables me to work the hours I need to and not pay a sitter or worry about who is watching him.

My h also pays enough of our rent that it would hinder me greatly to just walk out. We are trapped, not so much by our choices, but by our circumstances.

Perhaps when he saw your tears, he felt remorse for upsetting you. I hope so - no one needs to constantly be doing battle with the one you live with.

Just take care of yourself, please.