[seeking]

I apologise beforehand for the long post:

I need help! My relationship with my husband is so fragile, I dare not say what is on my mind or it blows out of proportion. I have to be so careful how I phrase an opinion or he takes it personally. Anything that is not a compliment, is an insult and accusation. e.g. After I prepared dinner tonight I needed to do some work. I left the food in the oven and after a while my husband asked if we can eat. So I said he and his son should go ahead and I will eat later, just want to finish what I was busy with, they must please leave me food. (this was around 8pm). I finished my work and went to dish up and saw that they had left me a pitiful amount of food behind, basically vegetables and a few small pieces of meat. I was struck by the inconsideration of it and after mumbling (loudly) to myself in the kitchen I said to him that I thought it was inconsiderate of them to leave me such scraps when there was more than enough for 4/5 people. He did not respond at first and I repeated myself. I suppose it was bordering on nagging because I was pissed off and basically wanted a 'sorry', yes we were inconsiderate. So of course the food I dished up was tasteless only because my mood was sour. My husband got extremely angry and defensive, started shouting that never in the 15 years that we have been together has he had to argue about food. I tried to get a word in edgewise between the f's and other swear words and shouting and throwing of things to try and explain that I was only trying to make a point. The point being that I think they were inconsiderate when they dished up and did not consider that I still had to eat. I know this sounds so incredibly petty - food for goodness sakes!!! Why fight over food????? So a pleasant evening turned into a hellish night with loads of sceaming, swearing and shouting. I kept asking that he must stop swearing and shouting at me and eventually had to leave to meet someone - a prior arrangement. What still baffles me is that a simple question: "Why did you guys not leave me a decent portion of food. Why were you so inconsiderate?" get such a reaction. My timing was possibly a bit off. He heard tonight that the school recommend his son goes for counceling. Something I have suggested more than 2 years ago. Someone else suggests it and it becomes gospel. But from me it was only criticizing.

I think it is time I exit this relationship. It is too difficult. Too draining and he is too unstable. Who is this guy I married? He is unpredictable, now in a good mood, 30 minutes later in a destructive mood. It's those wild tantrums that scare the [censored] of me, when is it going to spill over into a physical thing.

I am so confused, perhaps I just bring out the worst in him, perhaps it is me, perhaps I am this self-destructive type of personality, just cruising for a bruising.

As far as his temper is concerned, I have loads of examples, chairs, telephones, filing cabinets etc thrown against the walls. What the hell is wrong with him, why is he so angry? Is it the financial burden,? Is it because he has missed his calling/dream in life? Which he changes every year anyway. Is all the responsibility perhaps too much for him? Is it the expat lifestyle? Is it someone else? Is it me? He seems to have a very short fuse.

I know of people who have restarted their lives with less material posessions than I have. What am I so scared of? Why am I not leaving? This situation surely is not a healthy one? Is it 15 years that I don't want to throw away? Is it perhaps that at times I still love him and want to be with him and that we sometimes have good times together? But is it really worth the effort?

I am phoning a marriage counsellor tomorrow and can hopefully see her soon.

I have to stop myself from packing my bags and leaving, but where do I go? Is this perhaps why I am staying? Because I have nowhere else to go? I only know that I do not want to take this emotional abuse anymore. We seem to argue about everything!

He confuses me so, on one hand he demands I earn more so I can contribute financially. On the other hand he asks me to do silly little things for him which he can do himself. I am busy working, he phones and asks if I will make him a sandwich if he came home at lunch time (I work from home). I mentioned I had an urgent job to get out but he insisted and said it won't take long. He leaves his suit on a chair, the cat sleeps on the suit and gets hair all over it and he asks me to remove the hair. He keeps saying that I have more time than he does. My time is more flexible but I don't have more time.

I sound so bloody pathetic! *****ing *****ing and more *****ing!!!! I feel like running away from everyone including myself! Surely this cannot be so difficult to sort out either way, stay or go.

[shakes]

First off I want to let you know that your husbands behavior is not your fault. He seems very unstable and incosiderate to the point that you are somewhat fearful of him. I would urge you to call your local domestic violence shelter if you feel in danger.
If you do not feel as though counseling would help then I do not suggest it. All the counseling in the world will not help if both of you are not in it completely to save your marriage. If he is becomming abusive (and it sounds like he is) by throwing objects and becomming verbally abusive it is important for you to receive some help. I work at a domestic violence center and could get some info for you on services in your area if you would like.
The bottom line is your safety..and right now it does not sound like your house is a very safe place for you. Take care of yourself.

Jessica

It sounds like you might need a time out from your husband. Is there anyone you can go and visit? He sounds as though the violence could turn personal towards you. Has he ever hit or shoved you? You need to take care of yourself first. Hopefully you got to see a counselor today. good luck....

[Wants2Fly]

I am glad that you have decided to talk about this with a professional. The situation sounds very unhealthy.

There was a solution for this -- taking your portion out, wrapping it, and refrigerating it. But you definitely should not have had to take that kind of precaution. You deserved better than that.

The aggressive acts sound scary.

I hope you find a way to take a time out soon.

[bptoo]

seeking,

You don't sound pathetic, you sound scared. And you have the right to be. Your situation sounds volitile. I'm very glad you're going to counseling, I wish your husband were going with you, he needs to be there too. You need to express your feelings and so does he.Don't feel at all bad about thinking about packing your bags, a situation like this can turn ugly very quickly, and you may need to leave. You need to be prepared for that. Remember that your safety comes first. I know you love you husband, and I hope and pray that this all works out for you. We are all here for you anytime you need to talk. Please stay in touch, OK?

((((((((((seeking))))))))))

Greg

[seeking]

Thank you for all the supportive and kind words!

My action since his outburst is very much the wounded animal response. I have withdrawn, keep quiet, speak only when spoken to, well the occasional 'what is happening today etc', but nothing natural or spontaneous. (Sex is definitely out of the question!)

Since the incident I have slept one night on the couch, then back in the bedroom, have cooked dinner twice again (and had my rightful share this time !) We have been out to a social event and as long as we were among other people it was as if nothing had happened. He mixed on his own with others and I mixed on my own. At times we were socialising together with some of our friends as if nothing was wrong. All very very weird indeed!

It has been a few nights now since he threw his toys out the cot and as in the past it takes approximately 5 days for him to start conversing with me again. Tonight he mentioned that we have a dinner on tomorrow night, something he says he mentioned to me a while ago. I remember somewhat of what he said but not the details. Anyhow, he says I can come with if I want to. I get the feeling it is a 'social ladder climbing' dinner and if a husband had to arrive without his spouse it might seem inappropriate. Nevermind that, I like to meet new people so I am going. Life is full of opportunities which I will not get if I stay at home.

I have arranged to see a counselor and unfortunately have to wait until the 10th to see this person. I had spoken to her over the phone and she seems caring and interested and did not mind me asking her some very direct questions.

I have also taken action as far as my health is concerned. Going for a general check-up, just to make sure there are no gremlins hidden somewhere etc etc.

As far as building my business is concerned, I spent most of the day setting up meetings for next week to develop my business. I have invested a lot of time and money in trying to get my business up and running here. So I do not really want to take my share of my marriage and up and go. I need to stay and give this a try. I am getting on in age and it does not get easier. The competition out there is young and much much prettier.

As positive as I sound now, this morning at 6am I found myself sitting behind the couch (ouch!) flat on the floor crying my heart out. The crying got worse when my adult cat rubbed herself against me. This simple display of affection from an ANIMAL was just too much for me.

Counseling is as much support as I will get here where I live now. There are no centres for women etc. My support system is on another continent. (sounds like I live on a different planet )

Thanks you guys, this forum is a great help!

[Wants2Fly]

Your last post sounds promising and energetic. Good for you!

I bet there are some support groups somewhere there that you might go to. Ask the counselor, she'll know about that sort of meeting. You need some kindness and other women to relate to. Keep coming here. We're listening. Pat

[eskielover]

Seeking,

My problems are a little different, & I am trying to formulate it into a post because it seems complicated to me & can use some help.

However, I have had so much problems with my husband over the past 30 years that I constantly felt like I was hitting my head into a block wall. There was no communication except when I would yell about the fact that he did not include me into the decision making process. Afterall, we both had our professional careers & everything should be a joint decision in marriage, not just someone going off, not thinking & doing what they want regardless of the other.

I found after this long that I would not get divorced because I will not give him 50% of anything now. I have learned to live without him even though we are in the same house. I must admit that there are some health problems I have due to the stress, but I have so many other things in my life, that he doesn't even exist. It is the only way I can keep my sanity which isn't really there either. I am going back to school since after being out of the computer field for 10 years on depression disability, has put me completely out of the job market.

It is good that you are developing your business. It is yours, & you shouldn't give it up for anything or anyone. It can become your life when he isn't. Someday when it all comes together, you can leave then. If he is like my husband, he gets mad, but won't hit because the sherrif's let me know that I should call them even if he refuses to leave my room.

If it does get physically unsafe, it will be necessary to leave for your safety. But until you feel that point coming, you are as entitled to your house & life as he is. As long as you can exist in the same area, it is worth it to stick it out so you can get what you need out of the relationship.

I have grown very cold over the years, but not to my animals. I love all 11 of my American Eskimo Dogs. I have several who curl up in my bed with me. One jumps on me (not a good thing) & tells me all about his night dreams he had the last night. I also have 4 horses. One is a 2+ week old filly who now voices her recognition when I come up to her, rubbs her head all over me & kisses me on the face with her soft little mouth. There is nothing like the love from your animal family. It is completely unconditional & real. I have never felt that kind of love other than from my pets.

Good luck it establishing a life that will be the best for you.
Debbie K

[emwell]

Itsjustme was right in chat tonight. There is a place to talk about my relationship issues. My husband and I had our first real fight Sunday night. We have been togehter for 10 yrs married for 5. As I went to close the woodstove door,per his request, I thought to myself "be gentle with the handle" after I shut the door he criticized the way I did it. I LOST IT. He has been critisizing me a lot. I Ended up crying behind his back. Was 20 minutes late for therapy the next day and spent the whole time just crying. The thing that kills me the most is that the next day, my husband acted like nothing was wrong. I was still very upset.

I tried to let him know a bit of what was going on with me. I told him the doctor wanted me to have 2 more blood tests. Did he bother to ask why???? NO! Today I learned I needed more tests. No point in telling him. My doctor has suggested that he come to a session or two. That scares the hell out of me. My Goodness I might have to talk to my husband.

I know he is angry, but I am not the only thing that causes his anger. His job is very stressful, and he is yelling at our dogs more. My big problem is when he slams cabinet doors and stuff. I just cringe. My biological father was a very angry man. It scares me to think that my husband could be anything like that man.

Enough venting for me. I am grateful that I think I am safe as my husband would never lay a hand on me. Then again he never was this angry before.

[Wants2Fly]

Just letting you know I'm reading, and I care.

[seeking]

It has been almost a month since I posted this topic. (big sigh....) This relationship is just TOO difficult. Maybe it is me. I am really struggling to understand my husband. He is loving and caring one moment, the next aggressive.

We celebrated 10 years of marriage a week ago. We had not bought each other gifts but did get cards. We went to dinner the night before our anniversary and I offered to foot the bill, which made him very happy. (He complains a lot about me not contributing my financial share. I had been paid for a job, so had some money.) He got us some champagne and we celebrated it away from home, out in the countryside at sunset and it was VERY nice! This was my suggestion, as he wanted to have champagne in bed early that morning, and possibly hoping for a bit of pleasure put to the body. But I simply could not bring myself to celebrate my wedding day with all the fanfare etc. while his son was 2 doors away. In the card I gave him, I wrote down 10 things about him, that I have like and loved for 10 years. I decided to concentrate on positives rather than negatives. He liked this very much.

I suppose ? I don't know what I suppose? I keep thinking that my life would be better, less complicated at least if his son did not live with us anymore.

The night before last my husband asked me if I would take his son to the doctor as he could not do it himself. So at first I suggested that he reschedules and he said he couldn't, this appointment is crucial! I said I don't mind taking him to the doctor but am not comfortable going in with him. At this he freaked out and started getting angry and shouting why do I always have a problem with his son. I said that his son is not my responsibility and I would not know what to do with the information that the doctor gives as I was not involved from the start. He shouted that he does not want me to take responsibility for his son, only to help him out. I ended turning my back on him and going to sleep. The next morning it was as if nothing had happened. Weird!!!!

I rescheduled my own meetings so that I could take his son. 45 minute drive to the hospital and was told that his appointment was the following week, not that day. I kept my cool mostly for my own sake but also did not want to embarrass his son. My husband apologised but what I also don't get is that his son (18years old) does not know about his own life???? It is almost as if he does not take responsibility either. Oh boy, this is getting me down.

Last night my husband gets home at around 7pm. Flops down on the couch and fast asleep 30 minutes later. I wake him and ask if he would like go out for a drink or something. He says 'no' too tired. This is the pattern for most nights. Falls asleep on the couch, wakes up after midnight, works on the pc until 3.30am, comes to bed, gets up at 8am. Off to work. I think it is less lonely by yourself.

As I went to bed at 2am this morning, he was awake then, and I asked when is his son coming home. He said, he is not coming home tonight. It pisses me off that he asks for my help when it pleases him. But does not inform me of other things. Maybe I am just freaking out over nothing?? His son's 18th birthday party was all set and organised and I was not informed of it taking place in our home? I had to eavesdrop to find out what's happening. Then confront my husband! Oh boy! I asked him what time his son is coming home today. He said he doesn't know!!!!

Is it simply that my husband does not want to take responsibility for his son. Or does not know how? And expects me to fill the gaps?

I am sorry about the long post, but my head is hurting so with these thoughts going round and round.

I have seen a therapist but can really only afford 1 session a month. She is very good and has given me lots to think about and analyse.

Thanks for listening!

[seeking]

eskielover!

Thank you for the encouraging words. I am building my business but it all takes time. Which it seems I don't have. My husband wants to leave this part of the world by end next year. This time I had put my foot down and said 'no way am I going to build my business yet again from scratch only to have to leave after 2 years'. He cannot do this to me every 2 years. I am looking out for myself in certain areas. Buying property, saving, building contacts etc.

He is so unreal. Helps me with some of my business development and criticizes other areas (even steals my ideas and discusses it with me as if it was his own!)

I have always felt that nothing in life is wasted. All experiences lead to others and enhance your life. So I try to get the positive out of my relationship with my husband and ignore the negative - not healthy but seems to work some of the time.