The issue with my husband- torn between decisions

Don't get me wrong, please- I do care for my husband. He's a gentle man... something I haven't experienced in a marriage or serious relationship, before. We've only been married for 5 long years, now.

But I'm so torn, right now. I'm so grateful that he isn't like the abusive partners I've had, so the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But I honestly can't live like this anymore. It's torn me to shreds, already. And yet- I don't trust my own judgement. Is this a 'grass is greener' type thing or is it a 'I deserve to be happy' thing??

I've wanted a divorce for the past 4 years, now. I just haven't filed, yet. Now, we've actually taken some steps toward divorce.. and now I'm scared.

I fell out of love with him some time after he stopped showing affection. Since then, the idea of having sexual relations with him has always repulsed me because I began seeing him as a 'brother' instead of my husband. It just evolved that way and I know I can't turn it back, now.

I've tried to change my thinking. Actually- I tried everything. Divorce is imminent. It's been like this for the past 4 years. There are many other marital problems, as well. We can't afford counciling and I've tried communication all this time. Everytime I've sunk, I've explained so rationally and pleadingly. He'd improve for maybe a week... then back to his old self again.

It's affected me drastically. Deep depressions, self loathing, etc... my interraction with the kids has also suffered. I'm very short with them, anymore. My house is a friggen mess because I find constant solace and companionship in this damned computer.

I know I'll be able to find the love I deserve, but I feel so broken, now. I question myself constantly. He doesn't harm me, but he doesn't nurture me, either.

Yes- I'm definately afraid of future relationship failures. It scares me to death... I know I won't be able to deal with any more stress. Maybe it's the divorce, itself that scares me? Being even more alone than I am now, if that's possible? Maybe it's the fact that he's my 3rd serious relationship? The third father of my children? I really don't want to continue this cycle!

My mind is so tired and I feel so weak, anymore. Figuratively and literally.

I just wish I had my own panel to tell me whether to stay or go. I wish I could turn back time. I'm so very lost. I really need someone to understand.

I wish there was a way to know whether to stay or go too!!! And which is the right decision. I think deep down you know what the decision is.....it's just a matter of being ready to take the steps and actually do it.
The only thing I can say is that there are so many of us on this site that are in confusing, unhappy, and even bitter relationships...but it's up to us to decide when we are fed up enough to take action.

Ya know if you need counseling, even for yourself right now, there are programs out there based on financial need. Get out your phone book and call a few places to find out. Everyone can benefit from the support of someone else, especially when your not getting any support from the partner you live with!!!

I hope you find the help you need, and in time you get to a place that makes you truly happy!

I have to say my marriage is similar with the no or little affection. this is my 4th marriage and I have to say that out of all them only one remained affectionate. not sure what it is about the male gender there. I don't think the grass is greener on the other side.

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TaintedGoth1 said:


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Thank you, TaintedGoth1. I love the picture and the poem. Incidentally, I'm known as 'Goddess' in a few other places. Thank you for posting.

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BrnEyedGrl said:
I wish there was a way to know whether to stay or go too!!! And which is the right decision. I think deep down you know what the decision is.....it's just a matter of being ready to take the steps and actually do it.
The only thing I can say is that there are so many of us on this site that are in confusing, unhappy, and even bitter relationships...but it's up to us to decide when we are fed up enough to take action.

Ya know if you need counseling, even for yourself right now, there are programs out there based on financial need. Get out your phone book and call a few places to find out. Everyone can benefit from the support of someone else, especially when your not getting any support from the partner you live with!!!

I hope you find the help you need, and in time you get to a place that makes you truly happy!



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Thank you, BrnEyedGrl. Of course, everything you said makes sense. It's such a tough decision, I know. And you're right- I do already know the answer. I just need to get the nerve. It's the simple fact that I feel myself slowly deteriorating inside.... and it's only getting worse.

I know, now- that I may have gone about things the wrong way. I know I should have left, long ago instead of taking other routes. My loneliness is eating me alive, still.

Thank you for your hope and encouragement.

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bebop said:
I have to say my marriage is similar with the no or little affection. this is my 4th marriage and I have to say that out of all them only one remained affectionate. not sure what it is about the male gender there. I don't think the grass is greener on the other side.

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No- I don't think the grass is greener either and I hope I don't start thinking that way. To be honest, I think that's one of my biggest fears. In fact, I know it is. I'm scared of trying again... the thought of going through this kind of pain again scares me like nothing else... yet love is the one thing I've always wanted. It's what drives me. Catch 22. I feel stuck and forever lost.

Thank you for replying, bebop.