[taraintx]

Hi all,

I'm a newbie here- this is my first post I'm looking forward to hearing feedback and advice from you guys as well as dispensing it out when I feel I can help!

I've had a lot of psychiatric issues in the past, and have managed to quell them for the most part over the past year and a half, but it seems like whenever I get into a relationship, they all just come back in full force. Here's the deal:

I started seeing a new guy 5 months ago and things started off great. We had fun together, he was good to me, everything was going well.
Then my trust issues started to creep in. I made the mistake of snooping on his computer and found some stuff I really didn't like (rather not divulge the details...) and since then everything has spun out of control.

I've been burned a few times in the past. My first and most serious boyfriend yet (of 2 yrs) cheated on me, I found out in the middle of that relationship that my best friend (of 9 yrs) was stealing from me, I've dealt with emotional and physical/sexual abuse from several members of my family... the list goes on.

The point is that every time someone I'm in a relationship where my SO does something even minute to abuse my trust, it's on. I become "crazy jealous insane girlfriend" and start accusing them of the most inane things. I become hypercritical, start to develop terribly anxiety, and I get horrible panic attacks every time I even SUSPECT infidelity. The thought of someone I love keeping secrets from me literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'll start to convince myself that they don't care about me at all. It eventually ends up ruining the relationship.

Outside of my romantic relationships, I consider myself a pretty normal person. I'm not depressed (anymore), I'm not an anxious person, I have goals, ambitions, work towards them, and generally have a good grasp and outlook on life. It seems like all of my problems stem from my relationships and cause me a great deal of anxiety and depression. I have an INTENSE fear of abandonment and rejection. What bothers me most about all of this is that I feel like I know what's right, and I can tell when what I'm thinking is irrational, but my emotions ALWAYS end up taking over. It's like I can't control them, and I often feel like my mind is working against me in all of this.

Sigh, I dunno, anybody else feel this way? Advice?

I'm on meds right now (Adderall for ADHD, starting on Zoloft/Xanax tomorrow), and am in the process of looking for a therapist, just wanted to know if anyone else out there had the same problem and had any advice

Thanks guys, I appreciate it!

x-posted to the Anxiety forum

[Christina86]

Hey ((((((((taraintx))))))))) welcome to PC.

I totally relate to this part of your post:

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I have an INTENSE fear of abandonment and rejection. What bothers me most about all of this is that I feel like I know what's right, and I can tell when what I'm thinking is irrational, but my emotions ALWAYS end up taking over. It's like I can't control them, and I often feel like my mind is working against me in all of this.

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I really don't have much in the way of advice, except that finding a T you work well with can help sort out the emotional stuff (and other things you've mentioned).

I know you don't want to discuss what you found on this guy's computer, and that's fine... but does he know what you found? Have you discussed this with him? I know it's painful, but trying to be honest in communication and stuff can really help sometimes.

[Rhapsody]

To me - it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved TRUST ISSUES from your past (possible childhood) and instead of healing from them you are transferring these wounds back into every adult relationship you have ever had.

When the new man in your life does something (consciously or unconsciously) that hurts you - your wounded soul automatically jumps into over drive with all the under lining issues your true self still holds inside....... and when this is done the SO will never have a fighting chance.

Ask Your Self

what can you do to help ease these wounded feelings?
who is it that broke my TRUST in the first place?
what can you do to stop the resonation?

[50guy]

I think you are insecure and unsure of your ability to relate intimately.
Why did you snoop and look at his computer? Was it really any of your business? Did this stuff you found out occur while you were a couple or, was this prior to his meeting you?

There are some things in every couples life that are private to each individual. For instance, my wife doesn't know the content of what i discuss with those I counsel, but she knows I counsel people. I don't know the daily interaction she has with men in her day to day work or, to what extent she counsels them. We both have many hours of relationship counseling. We have been married 35 years.
The issue here is trust and allowing the other person to have a private life. It is good to have a little mystery about each other.
Now, if that mystery is that the other is leading a different life and is doing things that are not acceptable, then it is time to talk about it and try to resolve it.

Does he know you snooped and looked at his computer? If not then when you confess it to him you should be ready to accept the consequences for the action you took.

Good luck to you,

[nothemama8]

understanding that YOU have trust issues, try to think how he's going to feel when he finds out you snooped, is what was on his computor have anything to do with your relationship with him or is it part of his past

[wounded1]

((((((((((Taraintx)))))))))))

Was it wrong of you to snoop? Probably. Is whatever you found a reason not to trust this guy? Possibly. As someone who can relate to almost everything you wrote, I really don't think either of those things is the issue.

IMHO, the issue is that you have been hurt by others in your past, and the fear of being "made a fool of again" makes you suspicious and maybe even a little paranoid. I don't blame you, it's so hard to accept that those we have opened ourselves up to, left ourselves vulneable in front of, could abuse that trust...but they do. And here's what I've learned - it doesn't matter how wonderful you are as a girlfriend, friend, sister, wife etc., they're going to do it anyway, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. However, that doesn't mean that EVERYONE will break your trust, or that you have to go looking for it because you believe they already have. You have to accept people, and instead of being afraid of what could possibly happen in the future, learn to enjoy the present.

Truly, honestly is the best policy. If you make the people you care about aware of your fears, and how what people have done to you in other relationships has affected you, then you've done what you can to "protect yourself". Don't make the mistake I have in the past, don't end relationships before they even have a chance to grow just because you assume you know what's going to happen.

It's only been five months, I think you should give this man the benefit of the doubt, and talk to him about how you're feeling. You never know, he may be "one of the good guys"!

Good luck, I'm sending you lots of hugs...........

[taraintx]

Thanks for all the responses, guys. I really appreciate it :]

I guess I'll just go ahead and put it out there...

I don't know why I snooped. Things had been going so well for us and I just assumed that nothing could be perfect.. I guess I thought it was all too good to be true. I guess it was.

I found out that for the past 6 months, he's been logging into his ex-girlfriend's e-mail account and reading all of her e-mails. They don't talk anymore (they've been chit-chatting through e-mail recently, but I told him it made me uncomfortable and he said he'd stop).
I asked him if he had been checking her e-mails, and he lied to my face about it. I then told him that I had snooped on his computer, and he then admitted it. He wasn't mad about the snooping (which surprised me)... he was so utterly ashamed and embarrassed by it all. I've always been 100% honest with him about everything I've done, whenever I have a problem with him I always bring it up... I'm very avid on communication. He knows I've been hurt in the past by people that I loved, and he has too.

It hurt me so bad when I found all of this out. It leads me to think that he still has some emotional attachment to her, even though we'd been in a relationship for 5 months at that point. Since this happened, everything has spun out of control. I've had a hard time trusting him since, and we're currently broken up (or on a break, whatever you wanna call it).

A little backstory... he and his ex were in a relationship for 5 years and broke up 6 weeks before he and I started dating (she was unfaithful to him as well). If I had known this before we started dating (we met on match.com), I would've suggested we wait a while so he could have more time to heal from his past relationship, because I knew he would still be hurting from it, and he was. But alas, we hit it off well, so we took things slow and hoped for the best.

Well I'm beginning to think that maybe he still has some unresolved issues with her. He says he's over her, but that he needs time to himself for a while. I understand the reasons for this... I wouldn't want to get out of a 5 year relationship and then immediately jump into a new one.

We still see each other and it seems to me almost like things are the same... there's just no title. We still hang out (albeit not as much as we used to), we're still sleeping together on occasion... everything's pretty much the same but there's less pressure, I suppose (which is actually kind of a good thing). It just sucks for me because I fell in love with him, I recently moved to this new city where I only know ONE other person besides him, and I've never been more lonely in my entire life. He seems to be taking all of this pretty well, and I'm a f*cking mess.

Gah that was a longer response than I intended... I love you guys and appreciate all your comments... I just feel so helpless because I don't have any control over this

[Fuzzybear]

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Christina86 said:
Hey ((((((((taraintx))))))))) welcome to PC.

I totally relate to this part of your post:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have an INTENSE fear of abandonment and rejection. What bothers me most about all of this is that I feel like I know what's right, and I can tell when what I'm thinking is irrational, but my emotions ALWAYS end up taking over. It's like I can't control them, and I often feel like my mind is working against me in all of this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I really don't have much in the way of advice, except that finding a T you work well with can help sort out the emotional stuff (and other things you've mentioned).

I know you don't want to discuss what you found on this guy's computer, and that's fine... but does he know what you found? Have you discussed this with him? I know it's painful, but trying to be honest in communication and stuff can really help sometimes.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Welcome to PC! I completely agree with Christina

[Rhapsody]

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taraintx said:
A little backstory... he and his ex were in a relationship for 5 years and broke up 6 weeks before he and I started dating (she was unfaithful to him as well).
If I had known this before we started dating (we met on match.com), I would've suggested we wait a while so he could have more time to heal from his past relationship, because I knew he would still be hurting from it, and he was.

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This is probably the reason he is still hanging onto any part of his ex-gf he can get (hence the email checking - seeing if she has any one new in her life)........ he is not over her and the emotions are still raw.

Please do not let your self get hurt IF he tries to return to HER - that is if she will have him back.....

[taraintx]

I know he does not wish to go back to her... from what I understand they had a pretty bad relationship, she was consistently unfaithful to him... from what he's told me, it seems like he doesn't have a very high opinion of her. I brought this up a couple weeks ago with him and he told me that she was "unmotivated, uneducated white trash" and that it took him a long time to realize it and that he'll never forget it.

I honestly don't know why he stayed with her as long as he did... ALL of his friends (male and female) hated her. He said she was a huge ****** to everybody... I think a lot of it had to do in part with his self-esteem issues. He used to weigh 300 pounds and over the past 2 years through diet and exercise has lost 100 lbs. He's gained back 25 pounds since we started dating and it's been causing him A LOT of stress, as his biggest fear is putting the weight back on.

When I asked him why he was checking her e-mails, he said it was because he found out (through a friend) that she's been having an affair with a married man for the past 6 months (while she was in a relationship with someone else), and he was "checking up on her."

My response? "That's not your job."

[50guy]

You are correct. that is not his job. There is always the wanting to know how someone that we once cared for is doing so I understand his curiousity.

You still have to work on your trusting him and I think it would have been better to ask him if he was hiding anything from you. Women have a kind of intuition or 6th sense about their men or man in their life. You knew something was wrong so why not just persue that feeling next time. If he really wanted to be honest and open with you he would have, or you could have told him that you felt like you needed to do some checking because you didn't feel like he was being honest. Eventually he would have had to tell you if he truly cared for you.

All in all you two worked this out. Don't hold any bad feelings against her, she is out of the picture. As for him and his weight problem, my advice is to cut trans fats out of your diet as well as high fructose corn syrup and the weight will just drop.

Good luck to you both.