[valexand]

Here is the story and please -if you got the time- send me your thoughts and advice because the whole thing is bringing me down in a bad way.
The department where I work at some point hired this new guy. Amazing good looks! Fell for him right away but never said a thing. He would never look my way. He always picked the really thin, sophisticated-looking girls. I'm a bit more full. He has had thousands of girlfriends! I knew he was really unstable and that all he was looking for was sex with all of them.
We were somewhat friends. At least we spoke to each other frequently and it was always quite pleasant. With time I had removed him from my head as an option because I knew that he was not the stable guy I was looking for. One night, a year ago, there was this party. As always, I would watch him make moves on another random girl, which he would later leave with. Something happened to me that night, I can't explain. I found myself volunteering to be "that girl". I watched myself move over to him, dance with him and then I asked him if I can take him home with me!!!!!!! I should tell you all that this isn't me at all. I am very conservative, very shy, always waiting for "the one". Believe me, I also was watching myself do all this and I couldn't believe it. I knew he would say yes and I knew I was going to be the "director" of what followed........
The thing is this....we had fun....he seemed really ok and for a couple of days he spoke to me normally. Then the following week he sent me an SMS saying "r u in for company?". I thought he wanted to spend time with me, maybe have dinner and watch tv. As soon as he came he started to make advances for sex. I was upset to discover this. For some reason I had tricked my brain thinking that "oh he wants to come over!!!, maybe he likes me!!! maybe I won't be alone anymore! I found somebody!!!".
I caved. I hadn't been with anyone for more than 4 years and the only thing that made me go for it is the thought "yea....when is this ever going to happen again plus this guy is gorgeous!??". I didn't care. I knew that I was another score for him but here is the thing....he was nice the first time this happened, all slow and tender, as if I Was with somebody that loved me. The second time, he was a totally different person. He made me feel more like a human toilet, as soon he was done he wanted to leave, he didn't even want to talk or anything. This was so weird. I had never seen him like this before, and to think that we were friends before.
After this second time he stopped speaking to me. I would go close to him and ask him if he's alright, if he's doing ok. He would just say "yea, fine" and that was it. For 1 year we don't speak. I've been feeling like a stain, like something ugly and totally unwanted. I know what you will say "I brought it on myself". But can anyone explain why he isn't talking to me? He has dated 4-5 different women since then. With those women he spends time. He goes out with them, he dines with them, spends quality time to get to know them. Yes, it makes me jealous but I knew he would never pick me. However, 6 months later around 2am he sends me several more SMSs saying that he misses me and that he would come sleep beside me and that being with me was so good. I said no to this. I thought...."it took you 6 months to miss me?" I guess this was a booty call? Or a booty SMS? I made myself a booty call didn't I?
I've so alone for years now. Can't seem to find anybody (I'm 30). Nobody wants me. So in some way, I was looking for human contact and I placed myself on a dish just to have another human with me, even for a little while. But now the price that I'm paying is that he won't speak to me and when he walks into the room he always never sees me either. Not even a hello, and his eyes always pass over me as if I am a ghost. This is what really hurts. I gave him the best of me, and now I'm a ghost. All for having some time with him.
Has anybody out there seen a character like this? How should I behave towards him? Should I go ask him why he's doing this? Should I tell him that this is hurting me? Should I keep trying to say hello even when his eyes pass over me?
Sorry for the lengthy letter. Please, if you can, help me out.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! The man you're dealing with is an ***! He doesn't deserve a second of your time! I wouldn't go out of my way to say anything to him. If you happen to pass him in the hallway, say hi, but nothing more. You don't deserve this type of behavior!

[sabby]

Ok, I think you have the answers to your questions in your mind already, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning things.

Everyone in life does things that they think will help themselves, even if they go against our morals and our common sense. We are but human and we do require a certain amount of human contact....sex is certainly one of those things.

It's pretty obvious that this guy is a user. He has figured out how to bed women who are gaga over his looks, and even those who are vulnerable and feel that they could never get a good looking guy like him. He is shallow. He will not commit. He will probably not even give you a straight, honest answer if you should question him.

At this point, if I were you, I would pick myself up, dust myself off and realize that people make mistakes and it's time to move on. Please know that you are not the first one to go through something like this, nor will you be the last. Don't beat yourself up over this....that will accomplish nothing but make you feel worse than you already do. In the meantime, maybe you can work on yourself esteem....start taking better care of the inner you so that the outer you will shine through and attract someone of substance that you can have a real relationship with. You deserve to be taken care of....and it all starts within YOU!

Be well.....and smile....life goes on and lessons are learned


sabby

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
valexand said:
But can anyone explain why he isn't talking to me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi valexand.

I'm so sorry that this little boy in mans clothes made you feel so used. But like sabby says what doesn't kills us makes us stronger...but be careful of cynicism,,,most men are good men who have a clearer perspective and think more often with the big head...

But to answer your question,,if I was to guess,,,somewhere in his past there was a woman that made him feel warm and safe. It may have been his Mother but it may have not...This woman fulfilled him in a moment when being fulfilled was critical. Probably early grammar school. Then she went away,,quickly...with no hope of any compromise...

This illusion will be with him until he understands what it is and will use woman in hope of finding that feeling again. But also not trusting it when it arrives. Sex is like that...big highs and quick lows...The intimacy is far different...that requires commitment...

Like chasing a high...forever...

But of course,,this is just a guess...

Lenny

[50guy]

Hi,
I feel bad that you were used by this guy. He is a cad in my book. I don't care how good looking he is. I would go get checked for STD just to be on the safe side. Then make a pact with yourself to not look down around this jerk and to be civil but, don't go out of your way for him. Lonliness is very hurtful and a sad way to live. We do some not so wise things when we are lonely and seeking friendship.

I read that you said you are "full", well there are some really nice guys out that that would love to have you if you can look past how gorgeous they are.

I like women in all sizes as long as they take care of themselves and are clean. Sorry, I'm a hopeless flirt, lol.

This past weekend my nephew can to a going away party for my son who is moving to Tennesee to be a Police Officer. He brought a real cute and nicely shaped "girl" to the event. As the night went on and she got drunker, she revealed herself to be a pig. My son asked him to take her out of the party, the other guests were not amused at her antics. Previously, my nephew was dating a largeer "full" girl and we all liked her, she was funny, very well spoken and nice to be around. She had manners and was nice looking. He dumped her, reason..........do I have to say?
Another cad for the books. I told you this to tell you, you don't have to give up your body or values for some creep.

Good luck and be more careful,

[thelostone]

you had fun, and learned a valuable lesson. he is a jerk. there are quite a few men out there who can only think with one head and it is not the big one, though most of them start to use the big head sometime between 30 and 40. hold your head high, if anyone has anything to be ashamed of it is him for passing up the chance for a relationship that really means something.

lost

p.s. this is not a slam at all men, i actually have many more male friends than i have ever had female.

[(JD)]

This guy sounds like a user and a looser. His eyes aren't passing right over you, because you are so above this guy. He won't treat you any differently, even if you were married, he would still be treating you like a toilet. Life is obviously all about him!

It is tough to be alone, but until you can begin to respect yourself enough to feel like a whole person, it won't matter who you find. The good relationships are when neither of you NEED each other, but do COMPLETE each other.

[sarahlilianne]

Quote: ''I knew he was really unstable and that all he was looking for was sex with all of them.''

Seems like you really judge him well right from the beginning...
Sounds like a looser to me valexand.
I hope you'll find someone nicer very soon. You deserve better , I'm certain about this.
Lily

[selfy]

he sounds like an %#@&#!. personally, if i was feeling in a very *****y mood id see who he was eyeing up next and before he got in there tell them he has some sort of manky sexually transmitted disease. and probably repeat this for the next few times. it wont help, its not getting on with things, but hell. i like to be a ***** sometimes.

i think personally hes not worth your time. you sound like a nice woman who deserves a proper man to treat her well. yah need to pick yourself up and try to get on with life. we all make mistakes. you definately deserve better.
i think its a good idea to go by your first impression sometimes. i know most of the time my first impressions are correct. in some occasions theyre totally wrong, but most of the time they make sense.
you seemed to get the right impression of him first off. he was an ***. time to show yourself that your worth more than that and get on with your life.

[selfy]

oh a note here. dont do what id do. it doesnt help being all bitter and trying to make him look bad lol.
its not worth it

[selfy]

oh. ive also been told by corky that if you do that in america they can sue you.

lol

ignore my retarded posts k?

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((valexand)))))))))))))))))
I would totally disregard him. He's not going to commit to anyone. My advice would be to talk to a therapist about why you are attracted to people like that and learn to change your thinking on acting on desires that are only going to hurt you in the long run. He's not worth even asking anything to or talking to, in my opinion. He's not a safe person. Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

[seeker1950]

Great responses and advice here...I actually had a similar exp, which brought me here 4 years ago...watching myself behave in a similar fashion. Selfy...in retaliation, I did act out somewhat verbally...Didn't make it any better, and only added to my feelings of humiliation. The best thing is to ignore, dust yourself off, and move on, but it's hard!
Patty

[valexand]

Thank you all for the advice. As I mentioned I knew this guy was trouble. I acted from extreme loneliness. I am 30 years old and I have never had a relationship. I thought that if I did a thing like this, that maybe I would have a chance to be noticed, a chance for me to enjoy my own body and one more data point in my so single life. I gave myself a couple of hours during which I could really successfully pretend that I also had somebody in my life. It was all a quick fix. So after the "fix" my loneliness became worse. It was really tough for me to get out of that hole.
Most of you are probably going to reply saying that "oh, don't worry and you'll find someone....". Don't tell me this. My aunt was a beautiful woman. Kind and generous. She walked by and people would always turn to look at her. She died from cancer at the age of 45. She lived and died with the grief of never finding somebody to love her. So, as you see, it just doesn't happen for all of us. To be honest, I fear for my future. I fear that it will be empty.

[seeker1950]

You are right, Valexand, that, NO, it doesn't happen for all of us.
But I hope you won't consign yourself to being as your aunt was...
At your age (and I do remember how I felt at age 30), it can seem there are no options. but for you, there are, there really are many options out there!
Consider this...There really are much worse things than being alone, like being with someone you don't really love (for 20+ years as I did while raising my daughter). Enjoy your freedon, your independence, your intelligence (which is so obvious from your writing!).
I really like you, and feel toward you, and comment to you as I would my own daughter who is your age.
Love
Patty

[BalishBun]

<font color="purple"> Yes, Ive felt this before too, with one guy that was good looking, and had many girls. I feel ive been down that same road before, gross gross gross it how i felt. At first, I thought (ohh i could maybe get a relationship going) then oh did I find out how much of a player this guy was! I was living in a dorm and i peeked out the peep hole and there he was going into another girls dorm room. And the next day he was going into another room with another girl. He then forgot about me as if I was just some fun fling. I did it with him twice, and the second time I was thinking "why the heck did I say yes??" So wow, that is one guy I regret messing around with, cuz I know I was just another boody call, or another check off of his people to "do". </font>