dealing with neanderthals

ok, so a litl background,

im a relatively big guy, well built and fairly fit, so im not one to be easily intimidated.
my uncle on the otherhand, whom i have to live with due to cheapness and university, is larger then i, but mostly from fat.

my problem is, is that he will always use violence, or the threat of, to get his point across. the thing is, i am so against violence, there is no reason for it ever unless in terms of protection. so realistically speaking, this guys a bully. but i dont know how to deal with him.

ive tried talking to him but hell button up the second i let on that im accusing him of anything. recently i chanted him down and called him a bully to his face in front of most of the family including his older brother who showed me some marginal support, but the bully ended the conversation with a button up.

my question is, how do i talk to this guy like were normal humans, or can i even talk to him period? what happens if i pull in a pro, a professor from uni to talk to him, what happens then?
im at a total loss, but if my life is going to be stress free to deal with uni and only uni, what do i do?

Hello agoonie, welcome to PC!

Before getting a stranger involved (professor from uni) it it possible to get someone in the family to discuss this with him? It might be more effective that way.

Have you tried approaching the subject when he's not upset. "Uncle X, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'd really like to discuss what happened the other day. I don't understand what I did to make you so angry and how do we prevent this in the future?"

Hi Agoonie -- I like the way you are thinking things through in this difficult situation. I like AAAAA's suggestions. Would either of those work for you?

I am wondering if alcohol has anything to do with his swings toward aggression.

Thank you Wants2Fly. My father was similar to his uncle, the more right he was the louder he was. Many years ago, just before my 30th birthday I was trying to sort out his computer. I emailed a friend of mine (MS IT tech) and he replied. Since my father wasn’t familiar with the person that emailed me, he was paranoid about viruses and did not want me to open the message. While I was sitting there calmly trying to explain, this was a friend of mine and if he wanted me to fix his computer I had to open the email. He wasn’t listening. I don’t know what it was, perhaps a lifetime of being screamed at but I had had enough!

I stood up, looked him right in the eye and screamed right back at him “I’m going to be 30 years old next week, there is not a person on this planet that is allowed to scream at me the way you’re doing now, I will NOT tolerate it anymore! Either you treat me like an adult or I’m out of here!”

My father stood up, I could see in his eyes that he was about to hit me, his fist was clenched, his face beat read, and he was foaming at the mouth (a sign that he’s truly angry). While he was making up his mind whether or not to hit me, I was prepared to walk out of that house with my children never to return. What made him decide not to hit me and calm down, I’ll never know.

A couple of days later, he was outside doing yard work with my oldest son. My son yelled at me for something, a rare occurrence to be sure, perhaps used of Papa’s way of doing things. I told my son that no one is allowed to yell at me, he said “Papa can, he’s your dad.” My father responded “Not anymore little buddy, Papa’s not allowed to yell at her anymore.”

What makes Agoonie’s situation precarious imo is that it sounds like he’s dependent upon his uncle for a place to live while going to school. I know that there are things that I can tell my brother than no one else on the planet could get away with. He knows what I’m saying to him comes from a loving place. He also has anger issues, but he knows better than to address my children in a hostile manner.

Which ever one of your parents that is his sibling might be able to let Uncle know that you’re not used of this type of environment. But again, I think your best bet is to attempt to address him yourself in a non-threatening, respectful manner. I know that you’re paying him rent, but it is his house and even if his manners are lacking, there’s no need you need to be reduced to his level. Good luck!

thanks guys, really, its greatly appreciated. i understand how close i am to popping my lid at him as well, so im just trying to calm myself down a little first and work out my feelings and intentions in the comming discussion. il definately try these suggestions out.

fingers crossed.

thanks again.

Yes, you be the bigger man and do not address the subject until you're calm. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

I think the main thing is not to disintegrate to that level oneself. If he threatens violence towards you or another member of the household I'd tell him that if he does that you will call the police and report him for assault. If he gets angry... I'd say 'I'm going to walk away now so you have time to compose yourself and we can discuss this later'.

I guess... I'd look for an alternative place to live, personally... I'm not sure how the above would go down. But you are certainly within your rights to report assault.

I'm not sure if it would be possible to have a conversation with him about this while he is calm. Whether he thinks he has problems managing anger and whether he might be willing to take an anger management class (before the courts order him to, for example).

Calling him names... Is only likely to result in his feeling angrier...

well, what can i say, i didnt really need to use any of the above methods, what i really find that has worked is that i do spend time with him, show him a little bit of me to help him hunderstand that I am an intelligent person, someone he can talk to on the same level. ive chosen more of a guidance role then a stand-off position.
so far, its working, home life is easier. not to mention i think his older brother may have hinted toward how much work i do around the house, mostly when he isnt there (personally, i prefer to work alone , cleaning or otherwise, it holds a greater satisfaction for me i suppose.) and therefore, how much work wouldnt be done without me there.
perhaps anger issues and laziness go hand in hand? heh.

anyways, thanks for your suggestions.

il keep posting if i can, im 3rd year into a social psychology course and i think this website is a place i can not only learn, but help if i can.

@.@V

Hi agoonie!

So glad you decided to go with the modeling ways instead of responding in kind with threat of violence or harsh words.

Everyone can learn from each other how to be respectful. I'm glad things have calmed down for you.


sabby

Hey way to go ! Brain againts brawn hey ? Well done .

I'm so glad that the situation has improved for you!

What a smart way to achieve your goals. I probably would never have thought of that. Well done.