Insecurity and jealousy

I doubt anyone will post anything back, but I'm desperate for advice and help. I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 11 years old. I've also dealt with binge drinking issues and low self esteem. I am now 19 years and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I have such horrible insecurity and jealousy problems that it seems like all me and my boyfriend do is argue. I love him more than anything and I admire him sticking with me even through my psychological problems (I've been hospitalized for depression and suicide attempts twice since we've started dating). It seems like I can't control how jealous I get. I freak out and have panic attacks when I see him talking to other girls. He's never done anything cheating wise and says he would never even think about cheating on me, but it's like that's all I think about. When he wants to go to the bar with friends, I sit at home crying because I start thinking about him cheating on me. It's destroying our relationship and my life. And I don't think it's him, I think it would be like this with anyone I was with. Because of the low self esteem, I've been exhibiting eating disorder-like habits (calorie counting and intentional vomiting). My boyfriend says he is very hurt by this and he often states that my recovered anorexic friend egged this on. I've never been over weight by any means, I don't think I've ever even been over 115 lbs, but I feel like maybe if I'm model thin that my boyfriend will love me more. He gets frustrated which leads to more fighting. I don't want to feel so jealous any more. I want him to be able to hang out with friends who are girls without me fretting that dwelling on the thought of him cheating on me. Then when he gets home I ask him repeatedly what he did, where he was, and if he interacted with any girls. I hate it, but it's like I can't help it. My depression has been going downhill and I am scheduled to get on different meds in a few weeks which I'm hoping will help. Is it normal that a 19 year old girl gets so jealous? <font color="pink"> </font> <font color="blue"> </font> <font color="blue"> </font>

Hey Sugar,

you sound so panicky I had to let you know that OF COURSE someone will post!

Jealousy is awful, the most horrible thing! I don't know who it's worse for, the one feeling it or the recipient of that feeling. Age has nothing to do with it. Not at all! You can be jealous at any age and in any kind of a relationship with any kind of person because it's all about YOU and your insecurity. Which you know yourself.

This can be hard to take, realising that it's all of your own making, but very empowering too! If you can start this kind of thing in your head, it means you can also stop it. It's all too easy to let it spiral out of control, to get yourself into a state of mind where you feel crazy and are totally irrational.

In the short term, try challenging yourself. Tell yourself to stop, to stop thinking it, try to distract yourself by doing something physical right away, ring a friend and talk about something else! Try and talk 'sense' to yourself, remind yourself of just one thoughtful and loving thing your boyfriend has done for you and stay there. Don't let your imagination go even one step further. Breathe!

When you are calm try to tell your boyfriend that you do trust him, that you care for him very much, and that you are aware of your issue and are trying to handle it.

Then, handle it! Sugar, there's no substitute for counseling for this. Particularly if you have a history of episodes and medications. Are you in therapy? There are many things you can do, most easily with the help of a professional to manage your jealousy in the short term. Looking at the insecurity that lies behind it is a slightly longer project of self-discovery and self-esteem. Many people take years! This should not discourage you but let you know that we are always changing and learning and adapting and that we all have triggers that can set us off, in lots of different areas, and that those can be managed too!

Don't beat yourself up about it. You have identified the problem and that is half the battle!

Go get em.

xx

Has the man ever given you a reason not to trust him or is it all in your mind? I agree with Sting, counseling will help you get to the root of your problem. Living like this must be sheer hell! Good luck with your battle.

Yeah i agree with both previous posts, you need to open up about this problem with someone who can understand you and that knows how to help you i.e a counselor.
Your boyfriend seems a good person and seems like he loves you allot, i think you should try and trust him more. Trust is a difficult thing to give, but once you give it away you will feel much better and secure.
Think it this way, if he loves you he will not betray your trust ever, if he is destined to betray you, he will do so no matter what you try to do to stop him doing so, so i suggest you choose to trust him since he always gave you respect, and he will appreciate this act from you and im sure your relationship will become much stronger.

Goodluck dear.

Thanks everyone! Wow, I can't believe people actually responded. I'm keeping my head up with this one and I'm seeking more professional help soon. Thanks again!

Your Welcome =]
and everyone has some issues, we're here to help each other =)

Hi there Sugar --

I am an old broad, and here is what I think:

First, his behavior that causes your jealousy may not be all in your mind. I was married to a man who loved to play women against each other. He was raised by his mother and grandmother, and he was an expert at it. He did not have to physically cheat to do what I call, "putting the other woman in my face." We were only together for a few years, because I realized I needed more emotional security than he could ever provide. I watched him do the same thing to his next wife -- only I was the woman he was putting in her face to keep her stirred up in insecure. It took me a few decades to figure out the dynamic, but than goodness I had the inner wisdom to leave the relationship early, before he made a wreck out of me.

Fast forward 30 years later, he was 60 and never had a relationship last longer than five years. I, however, found a stable guy and he was with me for a delightful 15 years.

Second, you have to get off the booze. I am a depressive (but not manic), and booze as a drug is a depressive. If you are going to be on meds, it is especially important that you get off and stay off. There is a lot of support at AA, and these folks also can help you see the negative dynamic in your relationship with the bf.

So, in my most humble opinion, I would look very clearly at exactly what your bf does before blaming yourself for jealousy. If you need more security than he can give you, you will find someone who is a better match. And pour the drink down the sink.

Please take care of yourself.

sugar,

you came to the right place, you will always receive a response from someone at pc. first off, i want to say that you shoould be PROUD of yourself for acknowledging that there is something wrong in the way you are feeling. you should also pat yourself on the back for seeking help to resolve these issues. based on what you said about your bf, it sounds to me that he loves you very much, and you are fortunate to have someone that loves and supports you by yourside. depression is a ugly monster, i know. i too have been in inpatient treatment for it so i can sympathize with you. the battle is hard but there is HOPE. your recognition of the problem is the first step. please do not deprive the world of getting to know you by trying to commit suicide again. as far as jealousy is concerned, it is a terrible thing when it's excessive. with help you may be able to learn techniques to help minimize the anxiety you feel when your bf talks to other girls. we all have a little jealousy tendencies in ourselves, you just have to ensure that you are comfortable in your own skin to not let it phase you as much as it currently does. remember that at the end of the day you are first and foremost, and you gotta take care of yourself. you gotta hold your head high and focus on positive things. acknowledge that you are special just being who you are. realize that your bf is just as fortunate to have you in his life as you are to have him. hope this helps and that it all works out for you. take care

-agony

Hi sugarmagnolia,
I'm so glad you were brave enough to post. There are some really wonderful people here and I'm glad you are getting some support.

One thing that I noticed reading your post is that from age 11 on you've been suffering with depression. That's hard. Sometimes chemicals can be off and/or sometimes things happen in our past that we might not even be aware of that can cause reactions in our today.

I don't know your boyfriend obviously so I don't know if he's trustworthy. For me, sometimes I am triggered by something someone does that does not even seem related to my past. Sometimes I realize what it is (and it can be anything from a tone of voice to a gesture, etc), but often times I don't until much much later, if at all.

My T has said sometimes when emotions get high and one doesn't know what to do with them, they can either be shoved down, released in a negative way or taken care of in a healthy way. Invariably when they are shoved down, eventually the person blows, either inwardly or outwardly.

I'm glad you have some help with medicines. Do you also have a therapist that can help you learn some new and different ways of dealing with the overwhelming emotions?

Perhaps also, you can talk to your bf and together figure out some ways that can help you feel safer with him. He may be unknowingly doing things that trigger your trust issues. It's hard though if you don't know what the triggers are. Maybe a T can help you with that too.

I'm kind of rambling so please take what is useful and throw away the rest.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.

I am glad to announce that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and it's really helping to just get some of my bottled emotions out. Unfortunately, I'm still working on the drinking issue. But thanks for everyones input on the situation, it really helped!

Hi

Some great information and help for Sugar. Have you got any for me? I would love some advice on how to deal with my wife’s jealousy she exhibits the same emotions as sugar. I have found it virtually impossible to address the situation with her with out an emotional outburst which is extremely hurtful; I feel that it is driving a wedge between us.
I love her dearly and would like to know what you think about the situation and any advice you have. I have looked on the internet but there doesn’t appear to be much advice on how to deal with my situation, or Sugars boyfriend. What do you think?

Kind regards Wicksey