[lostandlonely]

I had a traumatic break up with my first love over 13 years ago. He was my first real relationship, was older, and I was devastated when he left me for another woman whom he married in less than six months. It took years to get over and is when I became clinically depressed and have been ever since. I have had one other relatiohsip since then, which failed partly because I could not stop comparing my feelings for him to that of my ex. Although realistically now that I'm older I don't know if my ex and I would have worked out, as we were somewhat different, the passionate and emotional attachment I had to him was very strong and still haunts me to this day. For years I saw a therapist to try to let go of the past which partially helped, and I went from dreaming of him every night to not so much. However, now and again, maybe a few times a year, a dream will creep up on me. NOt a day goes by where I don't think of him as much as I try not to. I still wonder about him even though I know he's still married and has a family of his own. When I have these dreams they are always the same....he comes back for me, I'm elated and happier than ever and those old feelings of love that I haven't felt since being with him come back to me in my dreams, and then the dream ends with him leaving my life again with no warning and me not being able to find him or beg him to come back no matter how hard I try. Then I wake up depressed. This is a recurring dream and I can't take it anymore. Why am I still holding on to this deep seeded longing for him to be back in my life? Why can't I accept the fact that he dumped me for another woman? Why do I still have feelings for a man who could do this to me? I can't seem to forget the strong feelings I felt when I was with him. I have never felt that before or since and fear I never will. It's been 13 years! Enough is enough and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling depressed over this heartbreak that was so long ago, and over the fact that I am still alone and single and lonely today. I feel like my life as I knew it ended when he broke my heart and I've never been the same. My therapist called it a type of post traumtic stressful event, but I'm just tired of the dreams where I feel so so happy when he comes back into my life. Why do I even care anymore? Why can't I let go of those feelings?

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((lostandlonely))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I know your ex hasn't died, but in my opinion it's still a grieving process that you might be working through.

My husband died several years ago. I used to have dreams all the time about him coming back, telling me it was a joke or telling me how sorry he was to have gone away, etc. I would wake up in the morning and it felt like I was starting over with him just having died. With time, the dream got less frequent but even now, there are periods of time, especially during holidays or events from our life together, that I get them. And again, I wake up in the morning, first wondering where he is and then it's almost as if he just died again.

I sometimes think that someone leaving might be even harder because they are still there and there is always the what if possibility in the background (even if realistically there isn't). When my husband died, it was done. And while I struggle with depression from it, and go through times when I just can't bear it and it feels like he just died, I think if he were alive and we broke up, it would be worse.

Grieving takes time and unfortunately there is no time limit to it. If it's interfering with your daily thoughts again, maybe it's time to consider going back to a therapist? You are older now and in a different place. That might make different things come up in therapy and you might be able to deal with things that you weren't able to previously.

Also, for me, my coping skills for things like that are very limited. If you struggle with similar, perhaps a therapist can help you learn some coping skills to get past those unbearable times.

Please take care and let us know how things are going. You're in my thoughts.

[lostandlonely]

thank you for your kind support

[skeeweeaka]

Wow....I can't tell you how creepy it was for me to read this...especially since I have been having the same type of dreams of my exboyfriend from college that I also loved very much.... He also ended up marrying shortly after we broke up.....and we were involved up to the day before he got married...

My dreams are also of us being back together...and I have been stressing about it lately...thinking a lot about it and crying a lot about it... I don't know why now, since I am bipolar I'm sure it is just the depression taking hold of me...

I hope that you can get through this difficult time by talking things over with your therapist, that is just what I planned on doing next week... I have been writing things down so I can specifically talk with her about it....

I wish you well...and may you find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved....

TJ

[lostandlonely]

again , thank you. It helps to know that others are going through similar situations.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there -- It took me 12 years to have another real relationship after I left my husband, after a brief marriage. He is still my true love, but he is not a good mate -- not to me or the many others who have followed.

It takes as long as it takes. Are you working with a counselor on this? Or in a co-dependency group perhaps? These things can help.

[valexand]

Wow.....from reading your posting I can see that I have a looong way to go. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm on my fourth year of being away from him. He also was my first love. I still cannot comprehend that he "let me go" so easily. I really did believe we were built for each other. Life without him is still inconceivable to me. Naturally, he's with somebody else (found her almost right away) and he is having the time of his life. I on the other hand have been single all this time. Can't find anybody. I've tried to push myself to like somebody else but it didn't work. I bet you are also afraid of the possibility of leading a lonely life, huh? You want to know how I see the whole thing? I really do feel that the life I lead right now is the one resulting from HIS choice. I am living his choice.

[Wants2Fly]

I understand what you mean, Valexand. I don't want to hijack lost's thread, but hopefully, it is relevant.

After the 12 years had passed, I hooked up with a man who claimed he loved me dearly, and we were together for 15 years. He said that I and the dogs were his "fambly" and we would always be together. I was not madly, passionately "in love" with him like I had been with my husband. But he was a good man who made me laugh and appeared stable. I came to love him very much and our life together.

He was a long haul trucker. One day, after three weeks on the road, he called from California and said, "It's over. My feelings have changed." He immediately started living with with an old flame from college. I had to clean up a financial mess and get rid of a three-bedroom home we owned together, even though I was ill and out of work. That was it -- he said it was over, so it was over. Just like that. I asked if we could go to counseling -- I had never even guessed anything was wrong. He apparently had been living a double life for about six months. And now, five years later, I am living his choice.

Yes, exactly so. Well said.

[wanttoheal]

How are things going now for you?

[seeker1950]

Lostandlonely, and all of you who have replied...
I too have similar dreams, often very disturbing, and upon waking, feeling depressed and confused.
I've had these dreams for many years now, and I"ve come to view them as the subconsious' way of working out what has happened..
We (I), still struggle to put things together about abandonment. At some point, though, I (we) have to move forward, despite the dreams. I accept these dreams, and get on with life.
And my choice is to remain alone. I'm 57 and that has a lot to do with it. If I were younger, maybe I would not feel this way.
Patty