[Malachite]

What are some examples of rejection, in an intimate relationship, constituting emotional abuse ?

[(JD)]

Though you mention "intimate" relationship, that could be any number of combinations/situations. Are you talking between spouses?

In general,something like any demands for the performance of a task (even simply folding clothes) and then refusing to accept any work completed. Being "used" for their own gratification but turning a deaf ear and/or giving verbal put downs rather than reciprocating the action (for example back rubs.)

Is this in the area of what you are seeking info about?

[Malachite]

Yes, my question is in the context of a marital relationship. However, it is not about emotional abuse in general. It is about emotional abuse, in the narrow context of rejection.

[(JD)]

Just as neglect is a form of abuse when referring to the parent-child relationship, it also is in the marital relationship. Marriage is supposed to be a working relationship, feeding each other's needs: physical, emotional, psychological. Withdrawal of any of those needs, habitual negligence and refusal to provide and reciprocate can be considered abuse. IMO

[bebop]

maybe a little more info is needed to answer that one. could be many things hon.

[Malachite]

I am seeking, specific examples of "rejection", occurring in a marital relationship, that also qualifies as emotional abuse. I seek examples, of conduct, meeting all three of the following criteria:

1) It occurs between spouses.
2) It is some form of rejection.
3) It is emotional abuse.

Probably, the most difficult part of the question, i.e., at least for me, is identifying rejection. So many are emotionally abused, and don't know it. They don't know what it looks like. They can't grasp the concept.

[bebop]

are you researching this for a reason? are you in an abusive relationship?

[Seven221]

I think this goes to the intent of the rejecting partner. If the intent is to control via the inflicting of punishment, then that may simply be controlling behavior which is a problem in and of itself.

For me, an example would be that in the context of an "intimate" relationship there is the expectation of s*x. You have contracted to meet each other's s*xual needs *(and no, this does NOT give hubbie the right to r*pe the wife but . . . )

Ok, so you have this contract and you negotiate it between yourselves. he demands daily s*x. You aren't in the mood but once every 2 weeks. You "reject" his advances because you feel uncomfortable, don't have the desire, are too tired, whatever. This is appropriate. In theory, he should be respecting your wishes becuase it is in his best interest to have you feeling good about yourself so that when you are in the mood, then the experience is mutually agreed upon and pleasurable.

Now if, on the other hand, you (wife) decide to reject his advances because you really are manipulating the situation to your own ends for your own gains; you want to punish him for something -- ok, that's a different story.

Reflecting it back on the other end of the issue, if he rejects YOUR advances because he's pissed that you don't come across with the goods often enough and he's using it to punish you and to modify yrou behavior, then we're IMHO, at the borderline for abusive. If it comes with a heavy emotoin load of guilt for your "bad" behavior then yeah, that's emotionally abusive IMHO.

Back to rejection.

So maybe you feel very vulnerable and needy and you go to hubbie and ask for a "hug" but he rejects you because he feels the need to punish you for not correctly washing the dishes . . . I'd call that kind of rejection abusive.

In my mind, it goes to the intent of the abuser. Are they aware and manipulating and controlling?

[Malachite]

Yes, I am reasonably convinced, I am in a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship.

In regard to conscious intent, I really don't think that is a necessary element, of the offense, of emotional abuse. Many, abuse out of reflex, i.e., it is a function of their personality, or more likely, their personality disorder. It doesn't, take much conscious intent to smirk, roll your eyes, or raise your voice. However, no doubt, there certainly can be, premeditated, emotional abuse, with the conscious intent to control, or coerce another.

[Seven221]

Hi again --

i hear you, Malachite, when question the conscious intent of the offender. I also feel that i am in an emotionally abusive relationship or that, at least, some (if not many) aspects of my relationship are emotionally abusive and I do feel/believe that it goes both ways between me and mine. I keep trying to be conscious about a lot of things on a lot of levels and also continue to set boundaries with this person because i do care about both of us and it does neither of us any favors to not voice the issues as we see them. and the pain of going through the "confrontation" again and again is a harsh reality for me.

my partner . . . conscious intent? does it have to be conscious to be intent? if i lash out in anger and strike somebody without thinking about it, it may have not been conscious (it may have been and could likely be reflexive from some mental, physical or emotional pain) i may not have intended consciously to hurt my beloved, but the intent was there. conscious or not.

i still have to voice the problem, express my feelings and depending on how much i value the relationship (and how much They value the relationship) we may or may not work things through. But i have to put it out there. I have to say to the person: you are hurting me by doing X.

[tat2doc]

Sky,

Could you please elaborate on your statement of

"In general,something like any demands for the performance of a task (even simply folding clothes) and then refusing to accept any work completed. Being "used" for their own gratification but turning a deaf ear and/or giving verbal put downs rather than reciprocating the action (for example back rubs.)

I wanna make sure I understand it.

Thanks in advance.