emotional abuse or what?

i'm sorry this is a long post. i'm utterly confused as to if i am being emotionally abused or not. is it my boyfriend or me and my stuff inside me.

i have been with my partner for nearly two years. it started off very romantically, he was talking about marriage in the first week. i was a little hesitant, i'd been in difficult relationships before and wanted to take things slower but i found myself very much in love with him.

he persisted with the marriage route, not actually getting down on one knee (which he did do eventually) but it was a constant topic, i asked him to slow down, this is were things went wrong.

he told me that he was disgusted by the idea of one night stands, i did not want to tell him too much of my past sexual history as i don't believe it ever helps but i made the mistake of telling him i had slept with my last boyfriend on the first night. i didn't do this with him. this has lead to enourmous amounts of trouble. he reacted badly to not being "special enough". of course i realise it was a mistake to have said anything but things just went from bad to worse

i also had decided to give up recreational drugs at the point when i met him, he had recently discovered them and this was another area that i was "resisting" or "denighing" him in.

i took persistant "attack" from him about both these areas where i was resisting him. i was threatened many times with being dumped, i felt very very low.he was in therapy at the time and more often than not he would com back from his sessions with something new to attack me with, what i had done, was doing etc. i spoke to a friend who is training to be a pyshcotherapist who said to me to look up border line personality disorder about the extremes of great and bad someone can feel and how the personality is so polar, i did and one night i said i thought perhaps that is what he had.

he was seeing his therapist the following day, his therapist asked him what i think is a sensible question "why do you want to be with someone who thinks you have a personality disorder?" he came home and told me i was dumped.

however that night we talked on. amoungst other things he told me that the entire sex thing i had said was all wrong. he told me he had felt more passionate about other girls and had better sex, he told me i was over weight, he was used to slim, toned models he had dated who did anything for him and called him "mr wonderful". he told me he had only dated me as i had a pretty face and a nice personality. he told me he didn't like the way i dressed and i always talked about myself and how great my friends where, never about how great he was.

this is all a long time ago, i swallowed it all and then ended up very depressed, i finally got signed off work beacuse of it, in the time i was off ill, he continued with his lines of argument. i went to see some friends again, they told me to dump him, that they were all very unsure of him, and sensed he was very troubled, being aware of his very difficult childhood where his father had severely beaten him.

i went back to him that night with a list of items that i was upset about, he totally backed down and admitted fault.

i also started therapy, i was told to see his old therapist because he told me I should take his advice and see who he recommened, i gave in and went and vowed to work on myself, if i did talk about myself too much i wanted to stop it, i knew it would cause me problems, i must learn to listen.

i thought that was it, but its kept coming up, the sex the drugs, resisting him, i lost 2 stone in weight, i stopped talking about myself, i became a shadow of myself.

we both became very interested in pyschotherapy and read huge amounts,we both became victims of being labelled. pointing out each others faults and things we did.

i got dumped about another i don't know 6/7 times,sometimes with long emails, saying don't reply we are over for good, then he would email back later saying he loved me and was prepared to try again, he wanted us to work.

Then he discovered Carl Jung's work and started to see a Jungian Analysist as therapy. This became his answer to everything, and he talked about his work and what he was discovering about himself insessantly sometimes 4 - 5 hours a night. I listened until I felt I didn't exist, like I was just an audience. I finally plucked up the courage to say I was bored. We went to joint therapy, he told the therapist it is important that he talks about his work and that if I didn't listen I would lose him.

Mean while his own theapist the Jungian Analysist, told him he had a disorder "hypermania" part of "bi polar". This has never really been investigated but I believe his anaylist must have tackled some of his anger issues as he has now become this hyper "aware" super being (who is always right) he doesn't get angry and provokes very softly but still provokes. for example he has become a vegetarian and given up drugs. I was at that exact point when i met him and got attacked for both, i pointed this out, he said i was bring up the past, i must be in the here and now.

Then last week he announced he was to become a buddhist, he went away on a retreat and meditated for 17 hours a day. he feels he has become "awakeded" and he is on the road to enlightenment, his therapist has told him he is special and his retreat teacher confimed he was "awakened".

today he has told me his dad and his best friend how we have all be out of order recently, not with anger but he says he won't tolerate it anymore, we are being "told".

i realise this is not dramatic emotional abuse, and others on this website have it so much worse. but this all has left me utterly confused, i had a difficult childhood and i am suffering from depression again now. i know i sometimes can provoke him out of awareness but is all this normal? is it me? what am i doing? surely no one else can make you feel anything or make you feel depressed aren't relationships are 50/50?. please can anyone offer advice? has any one else met someone troubled who has been to therapy for years and then found religion?????

Hi Alura,

Welcome to PC!

In my opinion, this is definitely emotional abuse. This guy sounds like he has major, I mean MAJOR issues, that have nothing to do with you. I think you would be doing the right thing if you distanced yourself from him as much as you possibly can.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once, only the guy I was with was bi-polar and used to self medicate himself with drugs and alcohol. He would be nice and sweet one minute, and raging and abusive the next. It took me a long time to realize that he had severe problems, and I ran (not walked) away from that relationship. It was a long time ago, and I am so glad it's over.

I don't think you should put any blame on yourself at all. I do think it would be much healthier for you to move on. (Also him trying to make you feel guilty for any reason, or comparing you to other girls by telling you about them, well that's just his way of trying to manipulate you.)

Please do yourself a favor and move on for good. It's good that you're in therapy, and it would be even better if you can move away from this relationship and put it behind you before it gets worse. No one should be subjected to any kind of abuse, you don't deserve to be treated this way. Please take this into consideration. (Just my view on things, from an outsider's standpoint.)

Sujin

Dear Sujin,

Thank you for your response and your details of your own experience, , it really helps. I just cannot get a handle on what has happened to me as its not the text book signs of emotional abuse.

Obviously I am an imperfect human, we all are and sometimes provoke and the story I have written is only my frame of reference on things.

I just want to be aware of what is him and what is me. If and when I move on I must ensure I don't bring any more destructive behaviour into another relationship.

Our sex issue for example, he says he has checked with two therapists an they both say me telling him I had slept with my last boyfriend on the first night and then not done the same with him is my issue, I was humilating him. I just don't know. I know the last time I did this it didn't work out and wasn't a good idea, because I liked him I wanted to wait. Is this really messed up? I am guilty of psyhcologically damaging him?

thank you anyone for reading and replying to this.

xx

Hi alura. You're not doing anything wrong. Regardless of your bf's issues, you have a right to expect respect from him. That does not seem to be forthcoming as he is centre-stage and you are basically required to follow suit.

A healthy relationship should indeed be 50/50, but again that does not appear to be the case here. You deserve happiness, you deserve a partner who respects and makes you feel loved. Your bf again does not appear to follow this criterion as he tends to put you down.

I think you should reconsider staying with him as he/this relationship seems to be doing you more harm than good. Take care of yourself first and foremost!

Thank you Always for replying.

I do feel, I must do something to provoke this.

Surely noone can MAKE you feel anything not even depressed, he tells me that is within me. I can feel depressed about the things he says but he can't MAKE me feel anything.

It is so tough as he has just been accepted into one of the best schools in the country to train to be a pyschotherapist. He had so much intellect in this area, I have studied this too but he is very good at countering any argument I make as to how I feel about the things he says and then I end up angry, which is an emotion I am so out of touch with and utterly child like in situations of conflict.

Thank you again

xx

I get the feeling that you don't want to hear that this is emotional abuse on his part. You want to point the blame at yourself for some reason. But it sounds an awful lot like my experience during my marriage, and it was confirmed by several mental health professionals that it was indeed abuse.

He'd make up grandiose stories about himself, how he was "the supreme ultimate being" and was evolving into a higher race and would live to be at least 150, blah blah blah. Used to point out all the women that "wanted him" to make me feel bad that I'd long lost any sexual interest in him. Blamed me for all of his failures. Said if I left him, no one would ever want me and that no one could love me the way he did (thank god for that one).

I'm not sure that you're going to be convinced that what he's doing is abuse though.

Alura,

I was just about to post again and tell you I didn't mean to sound preachy. I am glad you appreciated my response and didn't take it as my preaching to you. I would never want to come across that way.

I agree with you that none of us are perfect, we are only human. You sound like you are very insightful, as well as sensitive. Those are really great things, and I think it will help you to eventually sort things out, especially with a good therapist helping you.

I think it's great that you want to look into what might be you, or what might be him. It's good that you are willing to take responsiblility for your own actions, as far as working through your own issues, and how you react in a relationship. I know you say you think you may have provoked him, although I don't see it that way. From everything you've said it sounds like while you may have problems yourself (we all do) it still sounds like he is projecting his own sickness on to you. I don't see you as being guilty of psychologically damaging him in any way. It sounds to me like it's the other way around. (just my view, I don't know either of you).

As for the sex issue, well I think you are wise to have waited. By you telling him about your last boyfriend and the personal details, I think you were just being honest and upfront about how you feel. I see nothing wrong with that. I don't think you humiliated him in anyway by wanting to share something intimate. It would be different if you were insulting him or putting him down, which you weren't. You were just being honest. I would also think that he would have felt honored knowing that you waited because you thought he was special.

Best Wishes,
Sujin

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alura said:



It is so tough as he has just been accepted into one of the best schools in the country to train to be a pyschotherapist. He had so much intellect in this area, I have studied this too but he is very good at countering any argument I make as to how I feel about the things he says and then I end up angry, which is an emotion I am so out of touch with and utterly child like in situations of conflict.

Thank you again

xx

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Whoa, I feel very uneasy knowing he is out there planning to become a Psychotherapist! I would sure not want him as mine!

Sujin

Dear Alura,

If circumstances continually play against you or people continually put you down etc. it *does* (unfortunately) have repercussions on one’s psyche and/or emotional well being. It just seems that he is quite good at ‘playing’ with people and taking advantage of them. It is not right that any one human being should make another feel so bad and/or belittle them… Instead he should be supportive of you, your hopes, dreams and wants - especially if he is training to be a psychotherapist… From his behaviour, this is not at all what he is doing and making excuses for him will not mend the situation.

Please, do not feel guilty. I'm sorry you are having it so tough but you also need to take gentle care of yourself and get out of this situation as he doesn't seem to even want to change, and will continue to use people...

(((Alura)))

dear wi fighter.

thank you for your response, and your experience of the grandiosity of you ex makes the hairs on the back of my neck rise up, thank you for telling me that.

i feel guilty to assume its all him, i cannot accept that any experience is all one sided. at the same time part of me wants to know also it is all him and i'm an innocent victim but from everything i have learnt about human interaction i know thats not likely,

your message gave me hope that even if i have experienced several troubled relationships its not a endless pattern i have to repeat, thank you so much for that.

xx

Hi Alura,

In my opinion, what he is doing to you is emotional abuse. He is attempting to control your actions and beliefs by threatening you with losing him if you do not comply with his wishes. The way it sounds, he thinks that there is always something wrong with you or the other person, but never him. That's not right. It is not right that he boast about what he did with other girls in order to make you feel bad. I have been in an abusive relationship, and that's how it started. You might feel compelled to take part of the blame (most abuse victims do) but please know that you didn't do anything to cause his actions. Only he can control his actions. I'm sorrry that you are in this situation, and I wish you the best. Please feel free to PM me is there is anything that I can help you with.

Take Care,
Angel

Thank you sujin. I'm crying my eyes out at reading your response.

I think i am just very empathic of what he went through as a child he was adored by his mother and beaten senseless by his father. It breaks my heart that a very talented boy with a beautiful but tainted soul has ended up this way.

Each day is pain, I wish I could take away the distruction his father caused, I've tried, I really have but I just can't.

I've tried to listen, to care, to forgive, to accept responsibility but its just not enough, I can't do any more

xx

dear sujin,

the school he is attending an good friend of mine is finishing his msc in transaction analysis in.

my friend says that this school with tackle self awareness and insist any nacissitic tendancies are delt with before he progressesto take clients.

my life in hindged on him going through this and becoming truly self aware, but i'm frightened that his leap towards buddhisum and all this stuff about awakening and enlightement will get in way. and he will give up on the course as it will tackle the stuff he can't face.

xxx

Hi Alura,

What a very tough situation to be in. I agree with the other posters that it sounds like emotional abuse. Even if you don't label it that way, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship.

In this last post, you said that your life hinges on him becoming self aware. I'm guessing that you think that if he becomes self aware then the issues in the relationship will go away. Saying this in the gentlest way possible (hard to do when typing, pretend I'm talking softly), something about this makes me think that perhaps this is a codependent type of hope. If this rings true, here is a link to an article that I had saved: http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/codependencea.html. I hesitate to read a few posts and then go out on a limb to suggest this, and I hope that I don't offend you by bringing up codependence.

Elizabeth

Dear Always

Thank you for replying.

I believe you are utterly correct, that this sort of behaviour does have reprecussions on ones pysche and mine has been "burgled".

The sticking point for me is he tells me that there is a lot of anger in me and it comes out (which is does, I can't swallow it all) and he has reacted to it. Last night he told me he forgives me (this made me more angry!!) but I didn't react.

The other sticking point is he is changing, but I've no idea into what! he is meditating every lunch time now at a buddhist temple near his office, he plans to take a day off next week and meditate for 24 hours in the woods. he doesn't talk in angry tones, he says there is no anger in him, just compassion and care.

I lay on the sofa this morning with my head in my hands and cried and he asked me what is wrong. I said I don't want to talk about it (I have my driving test tomorrow and I can't get anymore emotionally charged as I can't concenrate) and he asked if it was anything he was doing, I'm not at a loss to answer, without him being angry and with him changing so much into an enlighted Buddha, how can I say its him, but I still feel it, he will only say its me.

The whole experience is mind warping.

xx

Dear Elizabeth,

I welcome your views on co-dependancy, I'm not offened in the least, i just want to get to the bottom of what ever it is that is happening. Unfortunatley I cannot get your link to work, can you send it again? I'm very interested to know what it says.

I think it would be easy for me to look at my situation and say he is the messed up, nutter, loon. but I must know what it is that has made me stay and what is in me that lets this perpetuate.

Laura x

Dear Alura,

As daunting as it seems, and understandably so, the best thing would be to just tell him. After your driving test maybe, if now is too emotionally charged (good luck with the test btw!). You really should clear the air, as you seem to be shouldering all the guilt - and he is not helping by heaping it on to you.

If he is all compassion and care now, making a clean breast of things should not 'upset' him. But if he gets angry or tries to shift the blame onto you, then this will speak volumes don't you think? Also, sorry but i found him saying *he* forgives *you* a bit rich esp. after what he put you through... Hm, the mind boggles.

I hope you don't find my post preachy etc., not at all my intention. Just wish you the best!

Hi Laura,

So glad you weren't offended. Here is that link: http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/codependencea.html . For some reason, the browser included the . at the end of the sentence as part of the link. This should work now.

You said, "I think it would be easy for me to look at my situation and say he is the messed up, nutter, loon. but I must know what it is that has made me stay and what is in me that lets this perpetuate." I agree and I think that learning from our experiences is sometimes difficult and yet so valuable.

I'm glad you found Psych Central and I hope to "see" you around more.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth, that is it! you are spot on!!

I've been so busy trying to study Freud, Jung, Transactional Analysis and God knows what, I skipped over the dinner party word "co-dependancy".

That link is a superb description, and I am text book co-dependant, depressed mother, alcoholic father and abusive brother, i've tip toed round people my entire life, and always tried to keep people happy, thats all I live for. I can see why I've ended up in this mess.

I'm seeing my therapist on Monday after a two week break, we have much to discuss!!!

I'm so glad I found this place, this is an excellent website and you are all marvellous and been a total life line over the last couple of days, I love hearing your experiences I feel so much less alone

xxxx

Dear Always,

Yes I think you are right,

I have written him a long letter. I might not give it to him, I might just memorise it and tell him, or I might rewrite it and take out some of the really sad bits so as to not make it so dramatic.

I have my first therapy session on Monday after a two week break, I'm going to talk to my therapist (who needless to say has been wiping away many tears over this man) and tell him what I'm going to do.

Thank you for the good luck with the driving test I'm not looking forward to it!! Cross your fingers for me

xxx

ok so the update is, he told me he cannot deal with what he has had to face from me, and i told him we need to talk, he said we don't need to talk, we need to split up and i told him, that what i need to talk to him about.

i talked to a friend earlier on the phone about what was going on, and she told me his work collegues and his boss were worried about his behaviour at work, he has become evangelical.

at first i worried he would lose his job, and feared for his high mortgage, child support money and his children, they are used to a very comfortable way of life.

but its no longer my worry is it?

its a hard thing to let go of

but its real

i have to look after me, what an unsual expericience

time i get on with my life, how bizarre to worry only about me!

xx

Laura, I think that is a great realization that it is time to take care of you! I know from my own experience that it was difficult for me to do at first, but really great once I got used to the change. I'm now in a very different relationship (compared to my first big one) where my husband is also aware of what co-dependency looks and feels like and we both work to make our relationship interdependent, not codependent.

Take care,

Elizabeth