Polyamory

I am in love with someone. This man also loves me, but he made it clear to me that he is polyamorous. I always thought I was monogamous. Certainly I believe in monogamous relationship. However sometimes I wonder about that. Is it the "real me" or is it just the way I was brought up in a strictly Christian tradition? Are there people on this forum who do have experience with this or want to talk about it?

My husband & I have an open marriage, mainly because I'm bi & he doesn't think it's fair for me to be stuck w/just him. My parents were former hippies, so I was brought up in a fairly open-minded household & didn't have the taboos on nudity & sexuality that a lot of people were brought up with.

Some people don't like to be restricted to just one sexual partner. There's a lot of variety on earth, and some folks might feel they're missing out on something. Other people like to do it for the shock value. Some people are afraid of committing to just one person because it might go stale or get boring. Some people honestly have the ability to love more than one person at a time.

Polyamory is not for everyone - there's a high potential for excessive drama being dragged into a relationship, and feelings can get hurt, but I always encourage people to experiment sexually - just make sure you use protection.

no experience with it but I do know some people in that type relationship. they seem very happy together. the 3 of them live together. is this what the guy is offering? I think you would have to be very secure in the relationship and that you also care about the 3rd person. won't work otherwise.

There are definite ups and downs to polyamory. One risk is STDs - the more partners you have the more likely it is you will catch something. Another drawback is jealousy - are you the kind of person who could share your mate with another, or more people? What role do you expect your partner to fulfill - a parent to your child, a provider to your household - where else is his time, attention and money going? How would you approach his other partner/s - would you feel comfortable being with them both at the same time, socially or sexually? When it comes to marriage, who would legally be bonded, who would be the beneficiary of life insurance or wills? You have to ask your self frank questions and answer them honestly to figure out what is right for you, then discuss it with him. Don't get into a relationship that can not fulfill your expectations of a mate - there are plenty of fish in the sea - don't go along with this if it doesn't feel right. None of these answers relate to taboo, but to concrete reasoning.

I fully support people's right to be polyamorous and I wondered for a time if that was my path too. But I've figured out for me personally that I am monogamous, that is what I want in a mate, and that is what I found.

Early on I wondered too if my monogamous sensibilities were only old teachings and habits that I could shed, so when I was young I experimented, kept listening to my own feelings and instincts, and discovered myself as I am now.

I don't know what would have happened if I'd fallen in love with a good man who was polyamorous.

There is a good book out called The Ethical Slut, can probably even get it through a public library. Worth reading, can give you ideas as you work through what you want.

I don't know what would have happened if I'd fallen in love with a good man who was polyamorous.

I do, I did. I was young and didn't know what monogamy meant to me, if I wanted to get married, why I'd want to, or if I wanted children. Infact marriage was the furthest thing from my thoughts and I didn't want children at all. He was already with someone else, living with her, and at first it was fine.

I started to get envious of their living situation, I felt left out. We all ended up living together. It only lasted about nine months. The two of them fought all the time. It completely drained my energy, time, and personality. He and I hit a wall where our relationship wasn't moving any longer and I wanted it to keep going further. She and I had a relationship, but I was in it because of him.

I left the situation. Later I found out a lot of the fights were about me. She was bad mouthing me behind my back while crying on my shoulder!! He left her too. After a few months apart we started dating again. I let him know that I wanted to one day be married and have children and that I would never be with more than one person at a time and if he wanted to, then he needed to be with someone else.

We have a lot of hurt from the past that we're still working on. I didn't end things on a good note. Every now and then I wonder if it will last, us being monogamous... him being monogamous I should say. I don't have that worry often, but it comes from having watched the two of them constantly cycling. The fights, the drama, the bs resolution, and the fight that began 30 minutes later. He never cheated, he doesn't get too flirty, he's an honest guy. I was involved with her too, but he wasn't with her for good reasons.

The relationship he and I had could only go so far because of his other committments. We couldn't be honest with people about our relationship because it wasn't conventional. We didn't get to do "normal" things at all. I was really just a buffer for their fights. He's mad, I'll be the soft place to land. They didn't have a healthy enough relationship to invite another person into it. Too much drama for too little life.

Anyway, it's a lot of work to fix a relationship that didn't have to happen that way. With what I know now, I would have told him no. If you want me, then no her. The truth is he would have done it. I just had no idea.

Just sharing my experience in a 3-person relationship. closed, not open.

Thank you all for replying. I didn't even think about the practical situation, marriage, money, and so on. Luckily I can provide for myself, I have a good job. I love living on my own. Living together with my friend isn't something I am considering right now.

Jealousy is what concerns me most. Right now my friend doesn't have another partner, but it doesn't mean that will never happen. Can I handle it when he meets someone else? I think I can, but I am not sure about it.

My friend is convinced that having another relationship will only strengthen the one you already have. He says that monogamy restricts people, makes them feel guilty when they fall in love with someone else. I have to admit that during my marriage of 12 years (I divorced almost two years ago) I was sometimes attracted to other men. I always fought those feelings very hard. But still I felt guilty, I felt I betrayed my husband and our love, although I loved him as much as ever. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if he we had had an open relationship.

DutchGirl, what do your Christian morals and values tell you about this?

They tell me I shouldn't do it. Although I am not a Christian anymore - I left the church and religion a long time ago - these morals keep hunting me.

Why do you ask SeptemberMorn?

I never think about the whole role-fulfilling thing because I'm child-free-by-choice I forget that other people actually like kids & might want to have them, hah.

So, what is your point Perzephone? I don't want to have children either, but I can imagine it is a problem in polyamorous relationships. As long as countries/governments only accept the official bond between two persons it will always be difficult.

Because if you have your Christian beliefs still in your conscience, that will be what speaks the loudest, Hon. For myself personally, I don't believe that a well bonded relationship was supposed to be "poly" anything. One man, one woman. Anything else would cause problems in many areas. I think some of them have already been brought up on this thread.

I may be wrong, but my feeling is that your boyfriend doesn't want to commit to a monogomous relationship for whatever reasons of his own. To me, it's like he wants his cake and eat it, too.

The biggest thing to consider, though, is how YOU feel about it.

Monogamy was around way before Christianity ever was. If people can enjoy themselves in polyamorous relationships, then that's great, but personally I think it would be too hard for most people to hold it together. Plus I would argue that monogramy is "programmed" into most of us, though certainly not all of us. You do hear about people in the old days having multiple wives, but those were mostly kings and other leaders showing off their power...love wasn't the prevailing factor.

People get so bent out of shape having one partner, for crying out loud. Perhaps some think that adding another person into the mix will solve the problems they're having in relationship #1, which seems to be a sure recipe for disaster.

I'm all for everyone doing whatever makes them happy. But when it comes down to having a lifelong, committed relationship, when one decides to do that, I think monogamy is generally the way to go.

I've heard this before, about how the second relationship with strengthen the first, and it just does not make sense to me. But some people do have way too high expectations for life with their one spouse. Personally I think emotional fidelity is more important than sexual fidelity (though me I do both). I could overlook sex outside of marriage under the right circumstances, but not a full second relationship with the same status as mine.

You're an independent self-sufficient adult with no kids so if you don't want to dump this guy right away why not see where it goes?

There are some questions you should ask yourself. A few might be:

-Are you looking for a long term relationship?
-Do you want to raise children?
-Do you want a partner who will be there for you when you need them?
-How do you handle stress?

One committed relationship is hard work. HARD work. Adding another person at least doubles the stress and effort. When they fight, you have to deal with the effects on your partner(s). When you want attention, they won't be able to give it because they're already spent.

In my experience, the other two fought so often that my male partner was on edge and couldn't handle any problems between us. He didn't have the energy to give to both of us (and he has a lot of energy). She and I also had to work out our own issues without putting him in the middle. Very frustrating to not be able to vent to your partner. I got to the point where I wanted more, I wanted that love, I wanted the real deal, not pretend, temporary, or okay for that year.

Maybe sex outside of a relationship some people are willing to tolerate. Adding a real relationship is a whole other thing. WHOLE other, nothing like easy sex or a friend they have sex with.

A lot of people don't know what they can handle. The woman involved in my situation told our partner that if he fell in love with someone she would be happy for him, she had no idea that she wouldn't be, just like I had no idea I'd hit a wall and want something more than what I was able to have in that group of three.

Yes, different people can handle different things. Take it slow and try to find out about yourself before getting involved under those conditions. If you learn before getting too deeply involved you could be saving yourself a tremendous amount of heartache, pain, and loss. It isn't something a person has to do to know. It's about a person knowing themselves enough to make that decision.

Sorry, I have a lot to say. I went through a lot of pain, my boyfriend went through a lot of pain, as did our ex. I hope some of it is of help.

Take care of yourself

I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes, but frankly, the people I've known who were into "polyamory" just liked sexual escapades more than they liked being there for one person.

I'm not against polyamory; for people who want to live that way, and who do it without cheating, that's dandy. But I believe it is almost always to the detriment of deep, long-term, committed relationships. (Case in point is one polyamorous friend of mine who wants to find a wife for an "open" marriage. He's in his 40s, been through many girlfriends, and found no takers so far.)

Personally, I don't think you should worry about whether this has anything to do with your past religion. Religion sets rules on so many things--it'd be awfully hard to disagree with all of them!