[Kayleigh]

I am the worlds worst girlfriend. I whine too much, I'm a drama queen, I get too paranoid about him wanting to leave, I'm far too clingy, and I can't think of anything I really have to offer... what I prize I am, huh?

[shakes]

Kayleigh,
I often feel as though I am the worse girlfriend ever, but it just is not true. However a big step is the fact that you realize you have behaviors that you want to change. If you do then consciously think about them. I wish the best for you.

Jessica

[Kayleigh]

How do you change the bad behavior once you identify it? I haven't been able to figure that out.

[Joepesto]

Kayleigh, Shakes is absolutly right. Awareness IS Change. You know about the behaviors that you see in yourself as unattractive. That already is a change. I would venture to guess that when your about to do one of those things that you dont like, you will think about it first and then say to yourself,"Oh yea I dont have to do that anymore, its unattractive", or something like that.

Now I have no room to talk my wife dumped me mostly I think because of my ADHD,(she had a few issues too). Not much I can do about that. So whats the worst that could happen? He could dump you right? Then, maybe the relationship wasnt meant to be? Who knows. I do know that just by identifying those things you dont like about yourself is a very good beginning. You should pat yourself on the back and say Good Job Girl!!!

Joe

[Joepesto]

One more thing..., you mentioned the things you dont like about yourself, what are some good things you like about yourself you bring to a relationship?

Joe

[Joepesto]

Jeeze, sorry about all of the posts but I keep thinking of other things to add. Thats one of the nice things about ADD, always thinking. Anyway the thought was.... Kayleigh, you are able to get boyfreinds, right?

Sometimes life can be a very lonely place. I wish you knew how much I would like to have a girlfrind. It has been a very long time since I was involved with anyone, even when I was married I was alone most of the time.

You are fortunate that you have the courage, personality and ability to get boyfriends.

Joe

[shakes]

I agree with Joe totally!! Once you realize what you are doing that you do not like think about those things before you act. For example I am very clingy with my boyfriend and I am trying very hard to change that behavior. When he says that he has things to do and will not be around before I get upset I say to myself "Ok be calm and just talk with him about what is going on before I cling and get upset."
I do not know if this helps.

Jessica

[Wants2Fly]

ditto ditto ditto

I doubt that you are the worst girlfriend ever. It is easy to be too clingy. Society tells us that we are incomplete without a bf or gf, so it is very challenging to form a self-identity that doesn't revolve around the other person.

I think that a T would be a good place to talk about it -- or perhaps a women's support group. Sometimes these exist at churches or community centers for very nominal fees.

And like the others, I agree that self-reflection is indeed change, and a first step to becoming the person you want to be.

Keep us posted.

[cms39]

What is so bad about being clingy? Maybe you just need a more affectionate boyfriend or a more attentive one? I'm not saying we don't have things to change about ourselves, but liking to be around him isn't so bad - He should like the attention.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi CMS -- I interpret "clingyy" to be a behavior that crosses a boundary of what is appropriate. Clingy is that point where giving attention is not emotionally healthy for one or both people.

Different people have different boundaries where this is concerned. If two people enjoy being together so much that they do everything together and love it, they are well suited for each other and the amount of attention is appropriate for both -- even though people on the outside might call it "clingy." It may, however, create a rather small world for those two people, if they don't invest enough time in relationships with family, friends, and other activities. The French have a name for extreme manifestations of this phenomenon: folie a deux. Meaning -- a craziness that involves two people. It is not a positive descriptor. It means that the two people buy into a mutual fantasy so deep that they may lose track of the outside world. For example, there are cases of siblings who develop a private written language code for communicating with each other. And become cut off from almost everyone else. I believe that the current phrase that covers unhealthy manifestations of clingyness is "get a life."

Sometimes people in a relationship have different boundaries. Part of sustaining the relationnship involves figuring out what these are and adapting to the other, so long as it doesn't mean cutting off a vital part of your own identity. Relationships involve compromise as well as receiving emotional gifts. You are right -- if Kayleigh needs to give more attention than bf can tolerate, it may be time to get a new bf who also that much attention.

However, I stand by what I previously wrote, because I see this phenomenon of clingyness in my students, and I have studied emotional development, insofar as it concerns the young adults I teach. This period of development involves a process of "individuation," or achieving a personal identity separate from your parents. That's why it involves rebellion for so many young people. For these, rebelliousness is the only way that they can express the boundary they are setting between "me" and "you parents." Setting the boundary is a process, an activity, of experimentation for many young adults. Who am I? How am I different and how am I the same as my parents? Do I enjoy different activities than they did? Do I want to change values, assumptions, and beliefs that I inherited from them? From my church? From my schools? This process continues throughout life for most of us, as we experience new things, change and grow. It is typically at its most intense in young adulthood, as we confront the vista of the opportunities and responsibilities of being on our own, and in middle age, as we confront the diminution of our physical and earning powers -- and prospect of death.

Young people who try to fill up that space in their identity -- the vacuum left by emotional dependency on parents -- with a boy- or girlfriend are depriving themselves of a vitally important opportunity to learn what it is to be truly oneself. To inhabit that identity fully and gloriously. Reaching that place is not always comfortable. It can involve loneliness, confusion, frustration, fear -- as well as delight, joy, feelings of achievement, satisfaction, and pleasure. Unwillingness to confront the process of individuation courageously can result in using another person -- the bf or gf -- to avoid creating one's own identity by absorbing oneself into the other's life -- and may result in clingyness.

Sorry to be so long-winded. I struggle with issues of identity and self in creating my middle-aged beingness.

[flowers601]

Kayleigh,

I am sure that what you are feeling is very hard on you! BUT.. you are going in the right direction of seeking out what you may want to change.. but please also look to your other friends as well for answers before you go changing who you are! You may of just had "bad" boyfriends.

Sometimes, we all have choose the wrong "type" of guys in our lives that have not made us feel the way that we should be feeling.. talk to your friends! Express to your closest of them, how you feel. Get their feedback!

Good LUCK!

Kathy

[Wants2Fly]

Excellent points, CMS

[Kayleigh]

I am a totally worthless g/f and sometimes I wonder if he would be better off without me. But I just can't bear the thought, I'm closer to him than anyone else. I'm trying to be a better g/f but so far not doing a very good job. I complain too much. There are a million things wrong with me, that I wish I could just make all better! Why do I have to be such a worthless person?!

[goggles]

Hey there Kayleigh, It's nice to meet you.

I just wrote out a really long post and somehow managed to lose it when I was trying to preview it.

So I'll try again, sigh.

I was just trying to say that I understand completely and I am in the same situation. I feel very down on myself and my ability to have a relationship at the moment.

It's not that I think I am completely useless it's just that I feel my behaviour at the moment and my ability to be in a relationship at the moment is quite poor.

Judging by my standards I am sure he agrees and I feel extremely insecure in the reationship. I can't bear him reading certain newspapers because I am sure he is looking at the scantily clad women and thinking 'well she has a lot more going for her than my girlfriend does'.

This might be insane but it drives me crazy. We had a big row about this a few days ago and now he's scared to read the paper.

Anyway I spoke to him on the phone last night and I suggested that we don't talk on the phone every night and that we don't spend as much time together.

This is going to be really difficult for us both as we are very close and spend a lot of time together but I think that spending time together arguing and myself spending time worrying about my relationship isn't going to help it.

I think the only way for me to have a healthy relationship is to feel better about myself. I feel very pressured to achieve this at the moment to save my relationship and I know that it's going to take a while.

Sometimes I think that my relationship makes it more difficult to feel better about myself because I feel constantly reminded of how I'm behaving wrongly or unheathily and I feel I have to be better NOW and sort my whole life out NOW for the sake of my relationship.

I'm finding it very hard too. Anyway I hope it helps to hear someone else feels pretty useless as a girlfriend too and I hope that you feel slightly more positive about things soon, yours goggles

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Kayleigh -- If you were "totally worthless" you would be perfect -- right? -- and no one is perfect. This kind of language is "totalizing language" and can keep us stuck in places that aren't fun and where we don't want to be.

I know, for sure, because I have to monitor my self-talk for totalizing negative language all the time. I spent a week with my mom at Christmas -- the longest time I've spent in her presence in more than a decade -- and there was a steady stream of negative observations about life. I've had to deliberately break away from the way of thinking that I inherited -- and even though it is still a struggle, I am so grateful for the progress I've made.

Dr. David Burns books, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" and "The Feeling Good Handbook" have many great suggestions. But you have to use them -- which involves writing out self-talk and then arguing against it. Perhaps you can find these books at a library.

I also just noticed this article in The Self Improvement Newsletter. This is the first paragraph:

"* ARTICLE: Is neediness ruining your love life? - By John Gray, author
of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus **
---------------------------------------------

In a recent survey conducted at AskMarsVenus.com, “neediness”—clingy,
controlling, possessive and/or demanding behavior—was one of the most
commonly cited reasons for ending a relationship. Dating couples are
calling it quits because they feel they either cannot or do not want to
please their partner! It’s simply TOO MUCH WORK! If you’re a member of the
dating world, and are confused about why it isn’t working for you- the
answer lies in a better understanding of how the opposite sex thinks.

Go to www.selfgrowth.com/
to subscribe. This is issue Jan. 11-12 #331.

Don't beat yourself up so much, Kayleigh. You are doing fine.

[forgottenmom]

When you notice yourself doing these things take a step back and stop for a moment. Try to decide if you can just drop the behaviour for this one time and see what happens when you do. You have something to offer else he wouldn't be your bf. Find out what it is. Focus on doing those things instead.

[shaddix]

who told you you were worthless?

[Kayleigh]

It's intuitive, I guess.

[_Fly]

Oh, pishbah, knowing you are "worthless" being intuitive indeed. That is your disease talking to you, my dear. Tell it to go away and stop bothering you!

You are not worthless. God don't make no junk.

[Kayleigh]

Well, he made lots of horrible people.... I'm one of them

[allautumn]

Allright Kayleigh... let's say you're a crappy grilfriend, since you insist upon it.
Secondly, let's infer that the behaviours you dislike can be changed. What you describe sounds a lot like me a few years ago, and some of those behaviours still rear their ugly heads from time to time. But as a lot of these people have told you, recognizing the behaviours you dislike is the first step to making a change. I think this is called "Self Actualization", but don't quote me on that.
Do you look to others often, especially your boyfriend, for positive reinforcement, instead of relying on your self for it? Is he a crutch for your self esteem? It can be fixed!
So when I realized that my whining was out of hand and starting to get sickening, I knew I had to do something. This is probably about where you're at right now. One thing that my counselor taught me (and this is the only thing I learned from that one :P) is that your "Self-Talk" spawns these complaints through your focus on negativity. Self-Talk is all the messages you are giving your self throughout the day, consciously or unconsciously. Especially during depression, when constant aches and pains are amplified, so are our negative thoughts. And so we are thinking, and then telling everyone about how our back is SOO sore or we are SOO tired... twenty times a day.
HOW TO CHANGE IT: Change your self-talk. This sounds so simple it's ridiculous. But breaking the pattern takes EFFORT. It basically comes down to good, old-fashioned practice. When you hear a negative thought in your head, instead of saying it out loud, think of a positive thing instead. What ever it may be. For instance, if you're about to blurt out for the twenty-fifth time today, "I'm SOOOO tired." think of one good thing about your day. I don't care how hard it is there has to be something. Like "My bus was on time," or "my lunch was good," or "I'm glad to be warm," or "What a pretty sky." It is especially helpful to think of good things about your SELF. And no matter what you think, there are good things. If you really want to work at this, you're going to have to find some things you like about your self, and make sure you tell your self about them often . Even something as simple as "I am good at this" or "I got my homework done on time" or "I am a kind person" or "I am a caring person" or "I have beautiful toenails." Even focus on acheivements, no matter how small, such as "I got up on time today," or "I wrote a good story," or "When I was nine I skipped a rock 19 times." With practice, your complaints will disappear. I know this works because I did it in a few months and ended up being the least-complaining person I knew.
So, to reiterate; Once you are able to rely on your SELF for positive reinforcement of your self-esteem, you will need to rely on others much less for it, which will no doubt lighten their load and help to convince you that you are both a good person and a good girlfriend.
NO ONE on this site believes that you are a horrible person, nor the worst girlfriend in the world. But it's what YOU think that matters, isn't it.
Keep posting.

[alliecat]

You are whining about whining. This is a cycle you need to stop. No one wants to date someone who has no confidence in the relationship. It's unfair. Sorry to be blunt but complaining about the things you are describing just reaffirm that yes, you are being all those things. So chill out, and just have a good time with your man and enjoy your time together!!!

[Kayleigh]

.........sorry ........... forget I said anything.......

[roxxy]

I like allautumn's advice. Think of cheerful things, compliment others. how about aknowledging some of the replies here with a thank you additude.

[nothemama8]

Above all you are not a terrible person, you just need to correct the things your unhappy with, ok