What should i do about this guy? Affraid its sending me into Depression..

Hi

Im new to this forum, and came on here to get some advice.

Ive been seeing this guy for 2 months. At the start it was wonderful, i felt insanely happy. My life felt better. We clicked instantly and for both of us, it felt like we've known each other for years. I told him i had never had a boyfriend before, to which he said " Can I be Your first. I'd love to be. I think your great".

Unfortunatly, we jumped into the sex stuff pretty quickly. I do have regret. I do believe it was part of me wanting to, but also part of him talking me into it, and him being the first guy to show any interest in me that way, and him saying all the right things. I feel a little bit of a fool in that way.

He continued to be great say good things. In person he was great - very affectionate.

Just under 2 weeks ago, we visited his old work place and one of his old work mates asked if he had a girlfriend. He pointed to me and said " look at her, beautiful, beauitful".

I only see him once a week. it seems that he says when. when he is free, even though he doesn't seem to work much. i work full time. its always when he is free.

Over these past few weeks (maybe more), i have been feeling dreadful. We used to chat online a lot - i mean 4+ hours at a time, even chatted for 10 hours once. This has died down a lot. to make matters worse is we met online. I know he still goes on the dating website we met on. which makes me ill.

We make plans and he cancels them. He says he'll call but he doesn't. he makes me wait and i find my self just waiting around for him to call, and then he never does and i have wasted the day. Im so sick of it. He does this and then in person he's all over me.

Im terrified that ive made a mistake in trusting him. Im constantly filled with regret. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel sad all the time. I feel like he is using me, and every great thing he has said has just been lies. About 3 weeks ago, he said "I like you heaps. How much do you like me?". 3 days go, i was at his place and his mate came around. He started playing with my feet with his feet, and then placed his leg/foot on my leg (like a leg rest). You wouldn't just do that in front of your mate if you didn't like the girl would you?

I can't sleep properly, im not eating - and ive lost weight - i cant concentrate at work or home, ive lost interest in things i loved doing. Im affraid its sending me into depression.

Whats the best way to handle this? I know i need to speak with him, see how he feels about me. Im praying to god that its just in my head and ive created more thoughts that arn't real or something, but i can't cope with this anymore. I thought he was so great and so amazing and im scared that he's actually just a jerk whos fooled me.

During the first month, he joked about marriage 3 times. He even said "Im in love" on msn. I asked if he was serious or joking and he said "joking, but it feels werid".....

i dont know whats going on with him. i can never get hold of him. he doesn't answer his phone. I think im feeling this way, partly due to the fact we jumped into sex too quickly, and that ive never been in this situation or felt these feelings for someone.

Whats the best way to bring this up to him? How do u start a conversation that is going to ask him how he feels about me? i dont know if i am his girlfriend. I think he's dating/sleeping with other girls - im worried in that regard for my own health.

im sorry this was so long, but thought i needed to provide a bit of a back story. any advice is appreaciated. i know its only 2 months but things happened quickly. too quickly. i know. its tearing me up.

thanks.

First off, welcome to pc. I think it's great that you've come here for support. You will find a lot of support and information here. We do have a relationship and communication chat on a regular basis (check the calendar) above. I am so sorry you're going through all these emotions at one time in very quick succession. You're right, you need to get him to define "girlfriend." Does he mean a friend that is a girl, or someone he wants to be with; and is his idea of a girlfriend exclusive? For so many years I played the "doormat" I thought about having it tatooed on my forehead. It got to the point where I felt like a puppy waiting for scraps from the table. I was worth more than that and so are you. So are you!!! The best way to talk to him is in person, in a non-confrontational, non-emotional way. Be honest with him by saying that you enjoy having him as a boyfriend and since you've been seeing each other, you haven't been on the dating website and are wondering if he has. If he says he has, ask him why and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If he says he isn't interested in an exclusive bf/gf relationship, ask him why and tell him that you are. It's ok to do that. 2 things to keep in mind, though: you've only known each other two months; if he says no to seeing other exclusively and you aren't comfortable with that, let him know that for your health, both physical and emotional, you won't engage in sex; if he's ok with that, take the time to get to get to know each other without limiting yourself to just him. Secondly, regardless of the outcome, remember you ARE beautiful, you ARE desireable.

Hi Cantstopcrying,

Thank you so much for the welcome and your reply!

At the very start, he did mention that he wanted to take things slow, as he was just in a long relationship, but has been single for 4 months. I agreed i wanted to take things slow (i know! even tho the sex stuff was quick. stupid). But this is beyond a joke. See him barely once a week?

He said all the right things. i was upfront with him saying ive never had a relationship before, and he was fine with it, and asked to be 'my first bf'. im terrified that all the things he has said were lies and just talk and i've falled for them and thought he was a great guy when infact he's a jerk. He told me he only has had 2 girlfriends (he's 26). I probably shouldn't have, but assumed in a way, it meant he wasn't a 'player'.

You can be girlfriend/boyfriend but take it 'slow' cant you? See what does 'slow' mean?

There are days with out contact. I dont know if thats just due to him not having phone credit. For the 1st month, he had, and we were in touch all the time. Then the 2nd, he was out, so it wasn't as much.

My problem now is, trying to get hold of him to see him in person. I know now that i have taken thigns he has said online and in text messages far to litterarlly. I think i believed in him and what he has said too much. Last time i saw him was saturday, and as we left, there were many kisses, touching, and he said to call or sms. he doesn't pick up his damn phone. if he doesn't want me to call, why say it?

Is he just playing hard to get by 'disapearing' for a few days? Is he just a jerk whos probably using me? or is there a chance he is scared that he feels to much for me and is backing off as hes scared?

I fell in to quickly - as mentioned before i think coz it was the first guy to show any attention to me that way. All the feelings and thoughts just got on top of me. I hate feeling regret. Its not that i regret loosing it, i didn't really have any issues with the virginity thing, but im starting to regret that it was him and the way it happened.

I hate the fact that i seem to be the one who's always contacting him. Ive helped him soooo much in areas he was having problems in.

Should i drop the contact and wait for him to contact me? Or should i keep contacting him to try to find a day to catch up so i can tell him how i feel?

thanks again for your reply. I might try the relationship chat. Ive spoken to a friend but she only tells me to stop worrying. im being paranoid and that he sounds like a nice guy and wouldn't do this to you. I haven't mentioned about the sex stuff to her, and i think that is a huge reason im feeling like this.

A friend recently said its about time he starts treating me right. Lately, ok he may not be aware of it, but im constantly feeling like S**T, and its coz of him. right now my life sucks. i hate that i have given him this power over how i feel all the time.

welcome to pc
I agree with cantstopcrying

I wanted to say, that regardless of the outcome don't feel dumb. Especially online, people can fool you without you noticing. I had an online friendship that turned sour - he wanted more... I look back and he didn't even mean to completely, but at the same time he did.
What I'm saying is, especially online and also in normal situations, unless something is clearly defined there is a possibility for misunderstandings and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Please, don't blame yourself.

Regret, but lay no blame.

As to what's going on, I can't know. I don't know him. I like cantstopcrying's ideas, of approaching him. Maybe taking the sex out of the picture would be good for you. It's obviously upsetting you right now, and if he really cares for you he'll be ok with it (sad yes, but ok) and if he's just using you... it may become apparent that this is so

just please realize
what happens between the two of you does NOT define who you are
YOU are not bad
YOU are not stupid
YOU are NOT just a sucker
Having sex for the first time - everyone wants to know what it's like so bad. It's not just a mental but a physical pull. You can't blame yourself for wanting it. You cant blame yourself for taking someone at their word. You based your decision on your past experience (erm... no boyfriend before so yes possibility of silly mistakes again NOT YOUR FAULT)
You've done your best in the situation.
Keep doing the best you can.

hugs hugs hugs
I hope all goes well

Hi turquoisesea

Thank you for your response!

I finally spoke to him last night. He said he got all distant because he got scared we were getting to close to quickly. And that he's not ready for a relationship.

I dont know how it was going 'quickly' when we would only see each other once a week IF that. But ok.

Im kinda angry that he allowed us to do the sex stuff - knowing full well i haven't before. He would have been aware that he wasn't ready for a relationship - said he had a bad breakup from his last one and is affraid to get close to anyone. And that he has trust issues. i think i already had trust issues before i met him and i hope to god he hasn't made that worse.

He said he still wants to hang out, but not label anything. (as gf/bf).

I dont think i can just 'wait around' for when he's ready though - if he ever will be. He even said he's planning to move over seas to travel/live this time next year. Theres no point. I cant limit myself to him. I turned down a great guy for him (ok the attraction thing wasn't there but it may have over time or whatever).

I know with out a doubt that im feeling this way coz we had sex. to soon. too quickly. If we hadn't it wouldn't be so big.

i gotta move on. right. is it best to 'hate' him for what he did for a while? or is that unhealthy too? or try to believe my first time was with a nice good looking guy? I never thought someone as good looking as him would be interested in someone like me.... He said last night that he couldn't believe no other guys have tried and that im beautiful.

my life has been **** for the past month. my performance at work is dropping, i constantly feel sad, lost interest in everything. at its due to this. i feel overwhelmed with regret.

any tips on helping me to move on would be great? I wasn't in love with him.

i think i need to start trying to get back into my interests. i used to always be doing something. Usually creative stuff, and loved it. i haven't done any for the past month.

thank u. very much appreciate ur responses!

I believe you are young and have been taken advantage of. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I was in a similar situation when I was much younger. I am 56 years old now. You are experiencing life. As you become older and have more life experiences you will become a better judge of character. This young man was probably your first and he knew that. I think you should have a one on one conversation with him to determine where you stand with him. To me it sounds like he has you just where he wants you -- at his beck and call. That is not good. You deserve bettter.

DON'T LET THIS RELATIONSHIP PUT YOU IN A POSITION WHERE YOU ARE DEPRESSED. YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE IS NOT DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE IS GETTING WHAT HE WANTS.

If you decide to continue your relationship with him, please protect yourself from sexual diseases. I CANNOT STRESS THE IMPORANCE OF PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES AND UNWANTED PREGNANCIES.

Hi brephi

thank you for your kind response. it means a lot. Yes he was my first. He knew that. I am 23, but never had a boyfriend. I have always been very shy/reserved and when we met i felt so comfortable with him it was a strange feeling. That obvously played a part.

I do in a way, believe he talked me into it (sex). I dont have any of the 'loosing virginity' issues 'saving it' or whatever, that never bothered me. I was ready in that regard, but the way he went about it, i feel used.

It was a combination of that, him being the first guy to show any interest in me, things he said - which turns out wern't true. He said "i sometimes say things i dont mean". That is going to make me worry with other guys - are they just feeding me a line? The things he said i went by. what other choice did i have?

I may continue to be friends but there will be no more sex. It complicates and confuse things. I can't see a point in starting a relationship that way with him now - espically if he's planning to go overseas.

I'll leave the ball in his court to catch up - thats if we do. he may never contact me again. but im not going to do the chasing. i think im just gonna 'drift off the radar' for a bit!

I know we wern't together long , we wern't really 'together' at all anyways and i feel stupid for this drama as its been just over a month (alot of contact b4) but i wish he'd put himself in my shoes. You talk constantly to a girl, in contact ALL THE TIME, then get sexual, and then few weeks later, you disapear for days, no contact, making plans with me and then cancel them. What am i suposed to feel? Obvsiouly he wasn't thinking, BUT he has been in relationships before. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. I kinda hate him for that.

but i am worried its sending me into depression. . . . . . . . . id say ive lost 4kg in like 2 weeks. I feel sick to my stomach, like im going to be sick - but its not the type of feeling you get from lack of food. I found my self always waiting around for him. Doing stuff for him. Now, i just dont know what to do. I constantly feel like im gonna be sick.

thank you once again for your help!!! very appreciated.