Ive been used / played.... it kills me.. how can i get over it?

this is to my post:

Should i tell him? mixed signals confuse me...
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=85526

ive just found out he totally played me. i hate what i did to find out. it was sneaky. i feel bad for doing it. he goes on a dating site (thats where we met) and i made up 2 fake profiles and contacted him. To one he said he's just looking for hook ups. To the other he wants a relationship.

i feel terrible and so low that its brought me to that level. to do that. someone mentioned it to me...to create fake one to check. that never crossed my mind before. i feel so low for doing that, its wrong - yet he is the one who played me!!!

he said so much, i believed it all. i let him be my first. i trusted him. i feel sick. i'd been feeling like he was just using me for so long, my gut feeling was right. if he wasn't my first, i wouldn't probabyl feel this way, but coz he is, and HE KNEW i never had. im in total shock that he could be that cruel. he took advantage i was so naieve. the first guy to show any interest in me at all...

I asked him flat out if he was just lookin for sex and he said NO!!!!!!

i never let people close to me before, had a few issues trusting people due to past things... and he's made than 1000 time worse.

how can i trust men after this? my first encounter with a man and he does this? i feel destroyed. i can't go on any more.


how can i move on from this? i feel used, hurt, betrayed, played....

he hasn't contacted me. He owes me money. Even tho with this i still think he'll pay. he mentioned that he'll pay me back in lump sums just on saturday.

Do i say anything if i see him? he probably wouldnt care, but why use a chick that never had a boyfriend like this?u gonna screw her up for life! if u were just wanting sex, u lead me on totally. how do u expect me to feel? ive been haunted since that day we first had sex. it scared the crap out of me (not the sex - the way it happened) if he wanted just sex, why bother with a virgin? Seriouslly? he knew i was? he just wanted to score a virgin! i fell for everything. i had no experience i was so f**king stupid and naieve....

and to make things worse this pass month, i haven't been well, i really thought i was pregant. turns out im not... but seriouslly, i was scared ****. he has no idea. Obvosuly i dont want to be with him now - but do i tell him that? if he thinks ive been acting "odd' thats why buddy. i thought i was ****ing knocked up and **** scared. he tells me he has a lot going on - bull ****, he's been screwing other girls. i think im going to have to go to the doctors and get checked for stds. i feel dirty.

i feel its too much......

and yet here i was, always giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he's great, lending him money, was going to wish the bastard a merry christmas. He tells me the other day, "i still smile at ur photos" and "i think your awesome. ive never met any one like you" all f**king lies. my trust is so broken. egh.

i know i might come across as being dramatic but i feel so ill......

Hi Be_be.

There are not enough hugs I can give you right now.
Don't feel bad about your checking on line. You followed an inkling and it turned out to be true . I have read many stories of women unfortunately married who have discovered this about thier husbands . Life is precarious in the love areana. Got to learn to be a bull rider.

There is another way to look at this. Did he ever make a commitment to you? Doesn't sound like it. It sounds like a friendship with benifits.

He may have joined this dating site after mentioning he wanted space. So hes not really accountable to you to not be out there looking as hurtful as that is for you .

He is accountable if hes having sex with you and the agreement is its exclusive till your relationship is ending.

You are not the first nor will you be the last woman or man who has experienced this. My first hit me cheated on me . I left him. he went bonkers broke into my apartment . He cried then hugged me then hit me. Later ,after I took off to Florida for a vaction, he managed to throw my cat up against the house and kill it. Iwas 18 to 20 when this happened.

There are NO guarentees in life period . The only one you have is how you decide to live your life the choice you make when the tides turn. or is it the waves. You sound like you make commitments and are sincere .

I'm not sure if you knew this man a long time as friends before you became more serious. If not thats a good thing to do as hard as it may be.

There are men out there you can trust.

They will want to get to know you first spend plenty of time with you first . Yo u may have to put that in place. Ahh . wait . YOU will have to set those parameters..(Huge winking smile) They will be willling and able to discuss the "what if things don't work out first" so you won't feel abused or used.

Note I haven't experienced the above yet. But it would be in place if there is a next time.

My relationship vite would make your head spin . I was a walking victium only that was put in place long ago.

Get your money back . Have him mail it.
Don't say anything about what you have found out it will make things worse.
walk away quietly and with grace.
And close the door and don't let him back in even as a freind for now.
Change your email adress
don't answer your phone .

Maybe later on when you've ridden a few more rodeos, you'll beable to have relational glitches and still remain friends . But being your first its so confusing and painful .I know.

It will be hard but I promise you if you do this you will be grateful you did .

Keep writting here keep swearing here. And don't use "its my first" trump card in this game of hearts.

fold and start a new one . And ace will turn up.



Patricia

Be be...I so agree with the wisdom of the previous post by Patricia. She has stated much of my own experience. Her advice to get your money back, say nothing of what you discovered, and to turn your back on this man is exactly what you should do! I also agree with change your email and phone number.

You may think there is some need to confront this man, but you will retain so much more self-respect if you simply walk away. If he is persistent in contacting you for further "favors," you could simply say, "You are a dishonest person," or something of that nature, but I've been in the position you are describing. Yes, it's awful, and I made the mistake of confronting these bozos, who have no moral fiber or conscience, and who are even skilled in manipulating you to feel YOU are somehow inadequate or at fault. Don't let yourself be drawn into this game of his. Instead, knock the props out from under him by simply and permanently removing yourself, quietly, gracefully, with your self-esteem no longer being harmed.
Love
Patty

((Be Be ))))))))
what (((seeker )))) and (((Aurorlso))) said..........
(((Don't let yourself be drawn into this game of his. Instead, knock the props out from under him by simply and permanently removing yourself, quietly, gracefully, with your self-esteem no longer being harmed.))))))))))

remember you matter
muffy

Hi Auroralso, Seeker1950 & Muffy

Thank you for your kind words

Yeah. Learned a lesson the hard way.

I did not think someone could be this cruel.

Well, no there was no actual 'commitment'. He lead me on tho, he said everythign that i wanted to hear. he gave me the wrong impression. He told one of his old work mates i was his girlfriend pretty much when i was there. He probably said it coz it would have been awkward, but he should have cleared that up. He said he wanted to take this slow. thats it. even tho the sex happened quickly. i was so ****ing naieve!

If he lost interest, fine, BUT why string me along. He was still making plans with me. but backed out. still saying little things to me that made me so confused.

When we spoke a few weeks ago, we seemed to agree to be friends. Then he mentions we can still have sex - red flag right?! we didnt tho .But he was still in touch with me. we haven't had sex again tho. i was ok with being friends. i was hurt he lead me on tho. he was just confusing me so much.

When i asked if i could talk to him i dont know he probably thought i wanted to talk about it again by saying "not this again lol". I didn't want to do what we were doing again, he was just CONFUSING me sooooo much. a lot of stuff that i haven't gone into on here. and with the fact i haven't been well.

I do believe he lead me on, AND in someways he talked me into/pressured me into sex. i was sooooo stupid. i trusted him and believed him too much. I had trust issues before and now... i dont know how to over come this....

Oh Auroralso - That story about your first, is shocking. Im sorry. Im hurt, but to have that, god. That is terrible. *hug!*

What kills me is that there was a great guy, no physical attraction for me there - at the time, but god. it makes think i made the wrong choice. He wouldn't do this.

oh, i wont be jumping into sex again...it kills me how it happened.
Im too nice. I get walked over. For people i do let in, i'd do anything, and thats where it comes back and bites me. people use and abuse. they are only in it for the own gain.

I dont know why part of me WANTS him to know. We haven't been "together" for a month. We've agreed to be friends during that time. And he HAS been in touch. I haven't spoken to him since sat tho. He says he cares (yeah right). I dont have any desire to be with him. Not now. And, i dont know about the friend thing anymore. i thought he was a ncie guy. how wrong could i be!

Is it really a bad idea to tell him? not all. of course. he doesn't think i think he's a complete jerk. But in one way i want him to know the hell he put me through. I would be brief in a way, not all the details. he may not care, or he may care to my face (i wont believe it now!) but...oh i dont know....! im so torn.

i dont know why, but i want to knock some sense into him so he might just htink he cant do this to people. if ur wanting just sex, thats cool - IF THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS IT. dont use. i hope he goes to hell.

not sure what to do yet lol.

thank you very much to all of you!

Bebe...hunny...did you say this was your first sexual relationship? I know how sensitive this is....You wanted it to be for love, and you put your heart into it. There really IS no closer bond between two people than the act of sex, yet many people are users.

You say you are still in contact with this man "as friends"...Blah, and Blah! He's not worthy of your friendship, and you're wasting your precious existence by continuing contact with him. He MAY have been having sex with others while he was intimate with you. That suggests to me that you should have yourself tested for STD's, including AIDS. Sorry, but this is the harsh reality of being with such a callous individual.

I'm going to tell you as straightforwardly as I can...This man is no good. He is a user...You, yourself, said you had been "played," and that is the truth. You will do yourself a great service to cease ALL communication and contact with him. He is not a friend.

I am not extending this advice to you as a righteous judge, but as one who has been there. How many times I have wished, in retrospect, that I had just walked away, without discussion. There is NO discussion, no friendship! You deserve better. PM me if you wish.
Love
Patty

Thank you Patty (seeker1950)

Yes. he was my first. it happened toooooooo quickly. ive regretted it since. i haven't regretted loosing it, or didn't even regret loosing it to him (not sure abotu that one now!) it was the way it happened. Killing me. i fell for everything

i had no experience. i believed him. big mistake.

yeah. appartently "friends"

i am so sick of meeting people like this. ive had friends in the past that just use you. im so over it. i can never seem to find a decent friend. they always betray me in the end... and im too ****ing nice to say anything. i get walked over.

Yes. i did think of that - about STDS. its been scarying me. im going to the doctors next week. As well as thinking i was pregnant - had symptoms - egh. i wasn't doing well! and the regret ive had - had that pretty since a few weeks after we slept together. hasn't gone away. guess i tried to burry it.

Yes. i do see that now. this man, is horrible. i cant believe i was so blind.
My problem is i can't cease all communication. I want my money back. Even tho he did this, i do think he'll pay. He even said when he asked (guess he'll say anything to get it right! im stupid!) but he said "i could never screw anybody over, its just not in my nature. i was raised better than that".

he is like 3 or 4 different people.

So, until i get my money back, or its set up to be wired to my account (then i can check to see if its going in wiht out being in contact with him), i can't just stop. I wish i could. I was hurt by a friend before who i lent money to and lost it. I told him about this. he knows it was a big deal and said "thank you so much. it means a lot to me. wanted u 2 know".
he's a ****ing good actor! lol.

So. until thats set up. im affraid i'll still be in touch. i hate it. BUT at least i know what kind of man he really is. i wont fall for anything he says. He doesn't need to know that i know what he's truely like and after.

But your right. he isn't worthy of my friendship. He says "i think your awesome" "ive never met anyone like you". damn lies. i'll never no if he really meant anything. He even asked me to make him a mix cd. Why would u do that? I know a mix cd, nothing big, but why bother if it was with a chick u were just trying to string along?

thank you for your words and advice. i appreaicate it. i wish i could walk away. i do. i really do. i do want him out of my life. he's messed me up. i have been so ill. (loss 5 kg in 4 weeks with out exercise!) but until that money comes, i can't. he doesn't earn much. but who knows what he's told me is true! lol.

thanks again.

Okay, okay... money...But you may never see a cent of this money, and in the meantime, you are still compromising yourself by communicating with him. This man is NOT your friend. He is a scam artist, if he took money from you, while searching for other women on the web!
I lost $20,000 to one such character, never got a cent back, so I'm telling you that you may be better to accept your financial loss and cease ALL communication. These people can even become dangerous when the jig is up and they have to repay their financial coups.
I'm thinking your self-esteem, personal safety, and mental and emotional health may be worth more than whatever amount of money you lost to this user. I still strongly suggest ceasing all communication with him.
You COULD seek the advice of law authorities regarding the amount of money you lost to this man, but you should be prepared to see his horns come out if you do so.
Please just take care of yourself. Forget this man, please.
Love
Patty

Hey BE_Be

Patty's words are from her heart . I can feel them.

((((((((Patty))))))) X1000,

ouch. I have only had one incident . But the amount is chump change in comparison.

Be_Be . write a letter and send certified mail spelling out the parameters of getting the money back . then go live well . the best revenge is living well .

I know how tempting it is to rub all of this in his face . To make him see the light. Let the next woman do that for you.

I always felt like I was thrown away. Nurturing that feeling is what lead me to make contact. I can feel some of that because you were lead on. I had that happen to me . A man pursued me told me there was no one else. I gave in .I Got addicted to the sex that I thought was love. I was house sitting his kitties when a intoxicated woman stopped by looking for him. That was the first . They started falling from the trees like monkeys . (I borrowed that one) . I actually had a two separtate dreams about two of the women he was seeing . I asked him if he was seeing one of the women . He said no . that very next day I was in a class and she walked up to him and put some candy in his mouth and they disscused some shopping together that after noon together . The other one was married . he finnally said he was seeing them and would tell me about more while we were in bed together . doe eyed bambi I was.

I had never encountered such Narcsissium. Oh he always kept the door open for me to come back.

Props..exactly.. good one Patty. I took mine away but he had many more.

Live and learn.

Patricia

((Be Be)))) again I agree with ((((((seeker)))))))) and (((((Auroralso))))
what seeker said (((I'm thinking your self-esteem, personal safety, and mental and emotional health may be worth more than whatever amount of money you lost to this user. I still strongly suggest ceasing all communication with him.)))))
Walked aways if thats what you want. Hold your head up high....money you can replace........you ....you can not
Muffy

Don't waste anymore time on this loser. I've experienced this sort of behavior in so many of my relationships including my current one. Men are just players. The older you get the more you'll see that. Forget the money-get him out of your life! My take is that men look at women as a 3 holed plaything, a cash register&a servant. They don't want anything else but those things.
In a way I can relate to how you feel about him being your first-I got raped out of my chance to have a first. I don't know what is worse-losing it to someone like I did or like you did. I say stay away from him-look at what you could have/should have done differently&learn from it. Stick to yourself for a while until you figure out what you want to avoid&what you want. Once you know those things, you're more likely to get someone worthy.
Stop beating yourself up about it-you didn't know what he was really like. I've had relationships that lasted for years before I found out all of the underhanded things these guys were doing to me. Believe me, I know that horrible feeling of being someone's rug to walk on or their personal punching bag.
Try to get over this jerk, figure out what you want&how to find it&avoid losers like this guy.