Communication problems with my kids

{{{{{{{{{{Gloria}}}}}}}}}} You're absolutely right! I need to preface it all with my intent.

Your statements are not hurtfull. They are clear and direct. I prefer directness and honesty in my communications. Sometimes I need to be hit on the head with a 2X4 to catch on! LOL Any time you feel you need to be "blunt" with me, just do it! No need for apologies. I definetely like your wording for addressing the kids, too. You hit the nail right on the head. You're right that they would think I wasn't only "nagging" again, but having another emotional melt-down. The only thing I wish I could do is involve my DIL's mother. She got in on it, too, and said some unnecessary things. Her situation as a grandmother is totally different from mine. I don't know why I care, but I do. Maybe my DIL will let her read the letter... Well, just as long as my kids and I can reach an understanding. I can't ask for more.

I'm going to work on that #1 now!

Just btw...I think its great that you are putting this much thought and effort into this type of convo with your kids. Most people wouldn't do that. You're a good mom.

Lot's of good luck to you, and my heart and thoughts are with you wishing you good luck in this issue... God knows your heart is in it big time!

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Most people wouldn't do that. You're a good mom.

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{{{{{{{{{{{{1day}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks. Tell my kids that, would ya?

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God knows your heart is in it big time!

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That's the understatement of a life time! If only my kids knew just how much!

Just had a thought... If only... If only David would come to the website and read this thread and see how much thought and work I've put into this... Nope! I've done that before with another member of my family and it worked for the worse. 'Sides, I'm protecting this corner of my world... past experiences having been cruel teachers.

PS I'll be back with the intro as soon as I have a moment of clear thinking. Right now, I'm busy putting a slide show together from my FIL's memorial service on Saturday.

Sept how about sending it, and telling them these are things you wish to discuss in person with them???<font color="green">

I'm curious, can your younger son communicate ok with your older son, or does he have the same problems?

On #18... would it be softer to say that You don't feel/think that you overreacted..... (which leaves open the idea that maybe you did, but you don't think so?)

I've tried all of this, and more, in attempting to open the lines of communication with both my sons, and their wives. Nothing has worked. It appears to be their problem... we are all the losers. (them, my grandchildren, and me, and maybe society too, since we could be such a great team...)

I wish you better results.

Yeah... it needs gentle clarification. My DIL has called it that. Maybe because SHE over-reacts? Hmmm... got to think on the wording.

Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh, duh! I forgot to answer your question. Yes, my younger son has the same problem as I do and he's not shy by any means. In fact, right now I can't recall any kind of serious conversation where my oldest son hasn't tried to confuse the issue, try to pin someone against the wall (figuratively speaking), been argumentative or defensive if he doesn't agree with what's being said. He and I have had some wonderful conversations, but that's when I'm "receiving" what he's "giving." Remember, he's "I've made up my mind. I won't be confused with the facts" kind of guy. ...Why do you ask?

Hi September -- I don't have kids, and I haven't felt qualified to chime in. But I really respect how much love and caring you are putting into this -- for yourself and others. Brava!

May I quote you to my kids? Why can't they see what you all see? Well, whether they want to believe or even see who I really am, I've got a boatload of friends here that see it!

You don't know how much I appreciate your comments. {{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}

JUDAS H. PRIEST!!! Hummm... Look what I just found in my mailbox that hubby forwarded to me. So much for my silly mood.

I thought I heard through the grapevine that mom was NOT invited to the service. Papa didn't much like her. Anyway, you sent your email to me at the wrong address. My new address is *********. This has been our new one for quite a while. The old one is just about to be closed. I'm still contemplating your offer. Being that my mom will be there throws another coal on the con pile. My main problem though is that the last time I flew I had terrible panic attacks and the thought of flying alone brings it back...so...I'm still thinking...I love that you offered and it would be great to see Chuck and I love Papa Charlie....so...I'm still thinking...and thinking. I'll let you know later tonight. K

Funny that she not once visited him while he was dying.

Hope I didn't depress ya'll with that last post like it depressed me. I've slept on it now and I've made up my mind I'm going ahead with everything and following David's example. I'm doing it for ME. "Full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes!"

Now do you see what I'm dealing with as far as my daughter is concerned?

((((((Tomi))))))

I'm sorry your daughter doesn't know how great you are. I'm glad I do.

(Ok, I'm just supposed to say "thank you" and stop.) Uh... Thank you, Hun. I'm glad you think I'm "great." hehe Wish you were my daughter. LOL

Can never have too many Mamas.

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful mom...but I've got prently of room for honorary moms or aunts. ya and take care!

Tomi, I haven't read the whole thread. Only the first post, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you stated things pretty objectively, considering the emotions involved for you.

Also, I think you were really brave to call CPS on your daughter. I knew a woman years back who said that she knew her grandkids were getting beaten but she wouldn't call CPS on her own daughter. I don't think that's right. Even if Karla never forgives you for that, those kids need to be protected and you did your best.

You're so sweet!! Thank you!

Thanks, Angela. I appreciate your approval of how I've put things. Calling CPS would be a good idea if they did their job right... which they don't. But, yeah. I had to give those boys a chance, give them a voice.

Thanks again, Hun.

The memorial service for my FIL was this last Saturday. The middle son that you never hear about flew in to be there and spent a week with his youngest brother, John, who had run the gamut of feelings since Chuck moved to Oregon. In short, John missed him terribly and felt abandoned. They healed their relationship and spent a whole week of being "brothers" again.

At the family BBQ this last Wednesday, I had time to talk with Chuck and apologize for some very hurtful things I had said to him, some of which I didn't remember, but he wasn't afraid to bring them up. When I finished listing the things I had done, I told him I would do anything to make them up and if he wanted, he could turn me over and kick my ***. What I got was a laugh and a huge hug! He said the rest, time would take care of. My God! Depression can really do some awful things to your mind and memory!! But I thank my God for my son's forgiveness!

On the drive down to my FIL's service (I didn't go), my husband had a talk with my oldest son about the miscommunication we had about my grandson's birthday party. Whatever two men said to each other, stays between them, I guess, but my oldest son's attitude was totally different. What gave me my second thrill of the night at the BBQ was my favorite DIL's hug. It wasn't her usual, nano-second-quick, barely-feel-her-arms type of thing. She gave me a good, strong hug and hung on for a bit. Incredible!! It felt SOOOOO good because it was from HER. I love her dearly although we've had a bumpy relationship.

So much for the past problems. Other things that made me incredibly happy:

Autumn actually made the jello salad that my kids absolutely love. She sat in the corner of the countertop and followed my instructions to a T!

Autumn and her foster sister helped me cut the potatoes for the potato salad, one on each side of me! (SIGH!) Now THAT is being a grandmother!! LOL

When we sat down for the buffet dinner, ALL of my grandkids (attending) sat around me at the coffee table. I was surrounded by midgets!! I must have died and gone to Heaven for that space in time! (S-I-I-I-I-G-H!) They love me! They really do! hehehehe

Dear Tomi -- Thank you for sharing that. It is great when a bad situation resolves itself with love.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Uh huh.

<font color="green"> Ohhhh,September Morn that is so fantastic. I had tears in my eyes reading it. Praise the Lord, I am thrilled for you.</font>

Hard to understand what makes me respond to a post sometimes. I read so many more than I respond to, just for what I learn from it. I also get worried over how the printed word can seem to imply what it doesn't, and with my irrepressible sense of humor, often things are lost in the translation. And, I don't know you, or anymore about your story than what i've read here. So, if this seems to come from outerspace or left field, well that's entirely possible.

What I'm thinking is that you have, for reasons you feel comfortable with, stood between a mother and her kids. Yes? Would you have ever been cordial again with someone who had done the same to you? Would it even begin to matter weather the interference was warranted? Look at the animal world. Coming between a mama and cubs is a guaranteed ER or morgue visit.

I think your letter articulates your hurt and sense of injustice very well, but I think that unless you put in the fireplace instead of the mailbox it will only bring more grief to the situation.

I'm not saying you were wrong. How would I know? But the circumstances sound to me to be of the very most intractable sort, the type that reason and persuasion are impotent against. The phrasing of your letter won't matter, but the letter itself will probably escalate things for a while.

I hope it improves. That sounds like a painful situation for you and I'm sorry for that.

Praise the Lord, indeed, Dalila!

Sqrl, I appreciate your comments. The posts I've read from you have a certain amount of wisdom that I appreciate. However, this time, I think you've mixed up certain events. Yes, I called Child Protective Services on my DAUGHTER. She was abusing and neglecting her sons and would NOT accept anything I said about it. She has a mental illness, you see.

The letter I wrote was NOT to her. It was going to be to my oldest son and his wife because of the disrespect I get from them. However, it wasn't necessary to bring up any of it. My DIL understood without me having to say anything. She seems to be starting to accept our differences and not judge me as an idiot. At least, I'm certainly hoping so. At any rate, she and I are more than just ok for now since she hardly ever comes to me to give me a hug. She did on Wednesday.

BTW, you're not the first to tell me to NOT send the letter. I didn't have to.

Oy, I'm sorry to have gotten it mixed up somewhat, wish this were the first time that ever happened. LoL. Also, I'm glad to hear the situation is resolving somewhat on its own. What a relief, and what a challenging situation anyway...although I still may not have it quite right. (I practically can't name my own relatives and cite their relation accurately with out a slide rule or something.)

Ok, back to what I know best, acorns.