I am new to this forum. I do not know where to begin. At my age I feel embarrased to tell my story. Since it is a long story, I will make it very short. I am a fairly intelligent self motivated woman who have always struggle to have the better things in life. I am hard working and very dedicated to my family and business. But, I seem to have a weakness when it comes this relationship.

I have been in a relationship for 25 years with the same man. The man I have been with has never made a commitment. We have never lived together. We have a child together, who is now an adult. The relationship was built on lies and deceit from day one. This man has been unfaithful to me since the relationship started. He has had several relationships (in hiding) while being with me. Is like he lives a double life. I dated someone over ten years ago for a very short period of time. That did not work. I do not date at all. I have been faithful to this man for most of my entire adult life. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Every time I make up my mind to leave him for good it always fails. We make up after several months of not seen each other. Sometimes he makes promises and sometimes he does not. But I keep falling into the same trap all over again. Somewhere deep inside of me, I feel that he is the right man for me and that we will live the rest of our lives together. But also something tells me deep inside that I am fooling myself. All of my friends and family sees him for what he is. I have tried numerous times to end this, including not seen him for months at a time. I have seen a therapist to no avail. Right now we are not speaking to each other and this will probably continue for several months. The next time he comes around I would like to be strong enough and be prepared to finally say "no more". He always come back with a sad story and I am always there for him. I know, I am stupid.

[Zenobia]

Shhhh, it is no wonder you keep taking him back. The most important person in your life keeps berating you and calling you stupid. That is you, love. Stop beating yourself up. Say only nice things about yourself to yourself. You are a grand and caring human being. Would you call your best friend stupid and other such mean things? There is a reason you have stuck with him for so long, find out what that reason is then you can make the conscious decision on whether that reason is good enough or not. Take care and remember you are your most important asset so treat yourself with care.
Zen<font color=green>

Deal with the difficult while it is still easy. Solve large problems when they are still small. Preventing large problems by taking small steps is easier the solving them. Therefore, the Tao person anticipates and lives wisely, by small actions accomplishing great things.--From the Tao Te Ching

Dear Zen:
I would like to thank you for your comments pertaining to my story. I think you that you are right on target. I do admit that I keep beating up myself on something I have no control of and cannot change. I keep hoping that this man is going to change and become the man of my dreams. But I have realized that is just what I want not what he wants. I have not taken the time to really get to know one person, and that is me. Right now I am in deep pain and feel very depressed. The days seem long and lonely without him. I keep myself busy by working long hours and interacting with other people. I talked to other people all day but no one knows about my personal crisis. I do not like to burden acquaintances with my personal problems. I am taking this time away from him to do a lot of soul searching. I have been in this superficial relationship for so long, that I lost my soul and self esteem in it. I desperately need to find that happy person in me. When does the pain really end? When do I see the light at the other end? If anyone out there have any suggestions, please let me know. Dulce

[gracetoo71]

i will start by saying, no, you are not stupid. you are kind, caring, and seem to put others before yourself. that doesn't make you stupid. if it were me, i would tell him that you have had enough and that you are going to find love in someone else. you don't have to tell him it is you that you are going to fall in love with, he seems to shallow to understand what that would mean anyway.

the pain does go away. the darkness does give way to light. but this doesn't happen until that wonderful moment when you find yourself, and fall in love with who you are. it is a long road, and there are painful twists and turns along the way. but there is no other feeling like it. because when you do fall in love with yourself and who you are, you will realize that you never really loved that man. you will know what true love is.

be strong, hold your head high, do this for no one but you. after 25 years, you deserve to be happy, to be respected, and to be truely loved, and you can't get that from him. you deserve to be out for only you at this point. you are what is important.

go find yourself, and rely on us here to help pick you up along the way when you stumble, that is what we are here for, to help each other. don't give in, and never give up. he will never change, a zebra cannot change his stripes only try to cover them. you deserve so much more.

i hope i didn't say anything to offend you and if i did, i am sorry.

take care and plz keep us posted. we are all here for you.

grace

[Wants2Fly]

Hello "Do Not Delete"

Best wishes working this out. I don't have anything to add what others have written. Just want to welcome you to the Forums, and to know that people read and care, even when we don't respond.

Please keep us posted.

[kimmydawn]

hi and welcome.

nothing about you sounds stupid. you sound like this is what you've resigned yourself to accept.

i hope that, in examining the relationship, you'll include some happiness in there for you?

be safe and gl.

kd

[adieuolivaw]

GRACE: You're so wise! Yes, the first marriage must be with self. That's where we learn how to love and accept love, how to respect and earn respect, how to accept and be accepted.

DULCE: It isn't necessary to be with this man, in order to accept him. If you truly open your eyes and discover that he has no wish to change (and maybe 25 years tells you so), then you must accept him as he is --- and you will probably leave him because you want marriage and fidelity, things he rather obviously has not wanted.

Marriage is not everything either. Take it from a person who would target a potential husband, got exactly what she wanted each time, and lived to regret it. Someone once told me that I was a powerful person, because I always got a relationship I wanted. No, I was merely a naive, wilful and ignorant person. Nothing replaces sincere love and enthusiasm and respect which comes from the heart of the other person. Marriage doesn't give you any of those. It only creates the superficial appearance of sincerity.

You have my best wishes. My personal belief is that real love is rather effortless. It just happens. People accomodate each other because of that love. Am I a hopeless romantic?

Adieu