[tinyflyer02]

Hi!

Well here's my situation. I really love my boyfriend, but he wants to have sex with me. I know he's getting frustrated with me because we get to almost doing it then I get real nervous. It seems to bother when he tries to do anything to me, but I don't mind doing anything for him. It really makes me feel bad and we fight about it. We've only been dating for 4 months, but it feels like we've known each other a long time. He thinks I'm not attracted to him, but I am. He's a really good guy, but he brings up that many girls do want him. Sometimes he brings up stuff he used to do with his ex. I just don't know what to do. My parents just got out of a bad divorce where my dad was verbally abusive to my mom. I've had a lot of drama in my life. Also I was very sexually curious at a young age because I would look at dirty magazines and try to play with mom's "things". Do you think something happened to me when I was younger and I just blocked it out? I really want to make love to my boyfriend, but I'm so scared to do it. Also I am scared of pain, which I'm pretty sure is what I am going to feel when we do have it.

What do you guys think?

[i got love 41]

Originally Posted by tinyflyer02

Hi!

Well here's my situation. I really love my boyfriend, but he wants to have sex with me. I know he's getting frustrated with me because we get to almost doing it then I get real nervous. It seems to bother when he tries to do anything to me, but I don't mind doing anything for him. It really makes me feel bad and we fight about it. We've only been dating for 4 months, but it feels like we've known each other a long time. He thinks I'm not attracted to him, but I am. He's a really good guy, but he brings up that many girls do want him. Sometimes he brings up stuff he used to do with his ex. I just don't know what to do. My parents just got out of a bad divorce where my dad was verbally abusive to my mom. I've had a lot of drama in my life. Also I was very sexually curious at a young age because I would look at dirty magazines and try to play with mom's "things". Do you think something happened to me when I was younger and I just blocked it out? I really want to make love to my boyfriend, but I'm so scared to do it. Also I am scared of pain, which I'm pretty sure is what I am going to feel when we do have it.

What do you guys think?

I think if he loves you and you love him do it dont think about the pass when you get ready too do it. Its the future and you are going to lose your relationship if you dont. Yea he should not talk about his ex sit him down talk about that. And see your outcome

[e_sort]

Originally Posted by tinyflyer02

Hi!

Well here's my situation. I really love my boyfriend, but he wants to have sex with me. I know he's getting frustrated with me because we get to almost doing it then I get real nervous. It seems to bother when he tries to do anything to me, but I don't mind doing anything for him. It really makes me feel bad and we fight about it. We've only been dating for 4 months, but it feels like we've known each other a long time. He thinks I'm not attracted to him, but I am. He's a really good guy, but he brings up that many girls do want him. Sometimes he brings up stuff he used to do with his ex.

I'm going to stop you there, tiny. your boyfriend sounds like an a-hole. a really good guy does not bring up all the other girls that want him and what he used to do with other people. 4 months is not very long, especially at what i assume is your young age, especially if it's your first time.

it's not that you're screwed up or blocking out some bad experience. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, and therefore you shouldn't.

someday you will want to, and you can do it then. next time he tells you about all those other girls, tell him to go find one.

[tinyflyer02]

Thank you guys! I'm feeling a little better. We talked last night and everything seems to be better.

[kimmydawn]

I'm so glad things seem better.

I know that you're at a difficult spot in your relationship. I hope upon hope that you come to a mutual solution that doesn't have either of you being someone you're not, or going somewhere you're not ready to go.

And...WELCOME TO PC!

KD

[theama]

I completely agree with e_sort! And I'm glad things are going better.

[cantstopcrying]

Originally Posted by e_sort

I'm going to stop you there, tiny. your boyfriend sounds like an a-hole. a really good guy does not bring up all the other girls that want him and what he used to do with other people. 4 months is not very long, especially at what i assume is your young age, especially if it's your first time.

it's not that you're screwed up or blocking out some bad experience. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, and therefore you shouldn't.

someday you will want to, and you can do it then. next time he tells you about all those other girls, tell him to go find one.

Lovei isn't about bringing up how so many other people want him and things about his exes. It's patience, understanding, willingness to support you and respect you!!

[atmnbf]

im kinda in the same position..im 17 and my bfs 18 hes had sex before and weve talked about it and theres been points where weve both wanted to.
however hes been really understanding and says whenever im ready hes ready.
ive decided that i am ready, however, its really early in the relationship and the time is just not right.

my bf doesnt make me feel bad about it...not at all.
hes suppose to be understanding about things like that
im sorry i know this is rude but from what it sounds you are way to good to your bf he shouldnt be telling you things like that and making u feel bad. thats not right. you deserve more. someone who respects your decisions..

just my thoughts
i aplogize if i was out of line,
best of luck,
atmnbf

[turquoisesea]

I agree with most of what's been posted

take your time. it's up to you when you want to have sex with him and if you're nervous maybe you're not ready.
If he's pressuring you, maybe he's caring too much about that side of the relationship for your health and part of loving you is taking care of you too.
You want having sex to be a special thing between the two of you, why rush it?

[Doesitend?]

Originally Posted by i got love 41

I think if he loves you and you love him do it dont think about the pass when you get ready too do it. Its the future and you are going to lose your relationship if you dont. Yea he should not talk about his ex sit him down talk about that. And see your outcome

This is the best advice. If he is coercing you then he is not a very loving person. Sex is only part of a relationship. The important part is knowing and respecting each other first. If you are not ready, don't do it. If he cannot handle it, then boot him. Sounds like you need to reconcile with your feelings around sexuality, and don't mess it up by doing it just to keep him. Stay strong!

[chiz]

Well, you've been just together for 4 months. Don't rush it. If he loves you, he will respect your decision. I am actually like you. I don't want to do it and I just don't know why. Thankfully, my bf knows beforehand that I am not the type who will do it easily and he's not really complaining now. I'm glad you've talked and that things are better now. Just let him understand your decision and he should respect it.

[tinyflyer02]

Well, the same problem has arrived again. I still haven't slept with him and I feel bad because I haven't. It seems that all of our friends are trying to get us to sleep together. He doesn't just want to have sex with me, he wants me to experience it with him. I know that he's depressed because I won't sleep with him. This is my second relationship and I'm 21 so I'm kind of young. I'm dating a younger guy. He gets mad because he thinks it's all an excuse that I won't sleep with him. He doesn't think I find him attractive or I even love him at all. He doesn't realize how much I've cried over this and have been thinking about it. I've become very self conscious about myself even though my bf tells me I'm beautiful to him. I'm thinking that might be one of my problems.

[Lenny]

Hi tinyflyer02....and welcome back...

We all have this extra sense..something in our gut that sends a message to us that something just ain't right. Many of us don't listen for one reason or another. There were many times in my life when my gut shouted at me...and I had deaf ears...I wish I had listened...

Your not feeling right about this,,and that is OK. If your boyfriend can't wait patiently and compassionately for you to be comfortable with this important decision,,,then your gut is right on.

And don't feel any shame for your uncomfortability. This is your body,,your heart and who you give it to and when are your decisions and I'm proud of you for giving it the thought and consideration you are. If your parents could here my whisper.."You have helped raise a wonderfull Lady"...they would smile with well deserved Pride..

Keep doing what your doing..its working.



Lenny

[SpottedOwl]

(((tinyflyer)))

Sex for women is an emotional connection, whereas for men it is more of a physical connection. So, you not wanting to have sex does not mean he is unattractive...but maybe you are having a hard time trusting or opening yourself up more?

Him pressuring you or saying it is your problem, does nothing to help you feel more trusting or safe or emotionally connected in the relationship. He may just be inexperienced and not understand this.

You mentioned in your first post that your parents went through a bad divorce, and that your father was emotionally abusive to your mother. Our parents do influence us -- and I'm guessing that experiencing all that stress from growing up/the divorce is impacting you now. This *does not* mean there is anything wrong with you, but it does mean you may be carrying around some of your parent's burdens.

My parents went through a nasty divorce, and I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Many years later I ended up seeing a therapist, and it has been very helpful. Talking with a professional helped me find perspective and understand how my parents' problems impacted my own life.

Whatever you do, please honor yourself and your feelings. There is nothing 'wrong' with you, if anything you've been through a difficult experience and you are still healing.

HTH

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by tinyflyer02

Hi!

Well here's my situation. I really love my boyfriend, but he wants to have sex with me. I know he's getting frustrated with me because we get to almost doing it then I get real nervous. It seems to bother when he tries to do anything to me, but I don't mind doing anything for him. It really makes me feel bad and we fight about it. We've only been dating for 4 months, but it feels like we've known each other a long time. He thinks I'm not attracted to him, but I am. He's a really good guy, but he brings up that many girls do want him. Sometimes he brings up stuff he used to do with his ex. I just don't know what to do. My parents just got out of a bad divorce where my dad was verbally abusive to my mom. I've had a lot of drama in my life. Also I was very sexually curious at a young age because I would look at dirty magazines and try to play with mom's "things". Do you think something happened to me when I was younger and I just blocked it out? I really want to make love to my boyfriend, but I'm so scared to do it. Also I am scared of pain, which I'm pretty sure is what I am going to feel when we do have it.

What do you guys think?

4 months is NOT that long to know someone

IMO he is trying to get you into bed because he has made some sort of decision about the relationship. Make him wait until you feel comfortable. Do NOT let yourself be pushed into it. I would say at least another 4 to 6 months. If he *poofs* oh well.

[tinyflyer02]

Thanks everyone! We've been dating for 7 months now since I last posted when we were first having problems. Things are slowly getting better, but I think there is something wrong with him. Everything has been setting him off lately. Today, he told me that he doesn't know what's wrong and why everything is making him mad. Last night, we got into a fight because the truck that he has at our house has been causing trouble. He almost broke up with me because of this incident. My mom saw what he texted me about her and that made her and her boyfriend mad. He is starting to remind me of my dad, which isn't a good thing. I know that he loves and cares for me and I feel the same way. My mom's boyfriend says he's been treating me like crap because I do everything for him as much as I can. I know he won't be staying here at the house since I work during the week. I really don't know what to do. I think I do need to see a therapist to sort through some problems. Mainly dealing with how my dad treated my mom and how he would be down right cruel when it came to my grandmother. I've told my boyfriend about some of the stuff that happened when I was younger and I know he wants to kick my dad's butt about how he treated me the last 2 years of their marriage.

[deliquesce]

(((tinyflyer)))

what you wrote about your boyfriend concerns me. sometimes, other ppl can see that someone you love isn't treating you fairly before you can see it yourself. that's what it sounds like your mum's bf is telling you.

i think it would be a good idea for you to get some therapy, too! he/she might be able to give you some perspective, and especially when we've had poor role models (like your dad) it is difficult for us to figure out what is right and wrong in a relationship. so your therapist might be able to help you with drawing boundaries, figuring out when you want to have sex, fighting fairly with this boyfriend and knowing when not to feel bad because *he* has issues and not you.

[tinyflyer02]

Yeah the same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend too. I realized it after it was months of just seeing each other maybe twice a weekend. I tend to give the guys freedom to go out and have fun, but they tend to take advantage of it. This boyfriend actually takes me out with him when I'm not working. He's actually been affectionate while my ex wasn't at all.

[AAAAA]

Tiny sex isn't something that you can just rush into, nor does it make a relationship better. Your boyfriend doesn't sound very supportive and having sex with him won't make him anymore supportive. When it is the right time and partner you'll know. Attempting to rush it to please your boyfriend will only make the experience very unpleasant emotionally and physically.

[tinyflyer02]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Tiny sex isn't something that you can just rush into, nor does it make a relationship better. Your boyfriend doesn't sound very supportive and having sex with him won't make him anymore supportive. When it is the right time and partner you'll know. Attempting to rush it to please your boyfriend will only make the experience very unpleasant emotionally and physically.

I understand, he tried to force it again. He gets very impatient and he's trying to do guilt trips on me. He told me that all his friends thinks he should dump me because I won't give in. This morning he flipped on me and cut his arm up. I know he's crying out for attention, but I don't know what the problem is....I don't know if it's me? or something else. He's very easily depressed and I'm getting to the point that I can't make him happy anymore. We're getting frustrated with each other; he says I make excuses on why I don't want to do this or that. It's like we're on an emotional roller coaster. I've been stressing out a lot lately with him, classes, friends, family, work, etc....I will say he does remind me of my father on certain things. He's made me feel bad about myself.....I'm getting mixed feelings like sometimes he wants to be with me and the next he doesn't.

[AAAAA]

He sounds very manipulative and just plain self-centered. I think you'd be better off kicking this guy to the curb.