[valexand]

I really need help with this. I'm having severe trouble moving on and my mind always goes to things he once told me or any other event related to him. The scary part is that it's been 4 years since we have been apart. I'm losing my life.
I was 24 when I met him. We were 3-4 years together. He was my first. A passionate relationship, which he strangely never wanted to reveal to our common friends. During our 3rd year I found out –the hard way- that he was maintaining another relationship with another girl ....from his country of origin! This discovery happened as she came over to the States to visit him for 3 weeks!!! He lived with him, in the same room for those painful 3 weeks. I cried every night while he didn't seem to break a sweat knowing that his 2 girlfriends were in such close proximity from each other.
This explained why we lived in secrecy, which had always bothered me. I never got to enjoy my time together with him because of all that hiding. We existed only in his room! Realizing that I was "an affair" crushed me to pieces. I was really unwell.
I refused to see him again. Later on he explained that there was nothing he could do and that the relationship with her was over. He said that he waited for "her" to end it because he didn't want to hurt her. With ongoing explanations, with his weepy expressions and with me being in love with him, I found myself taking him back since .....he was working his way on breaking up with her.
He stopped working on that project though. He was just letting it slide. I was always asking him on when can live normally like a couple, so that the hiding can stop. I was asking him if he's ended it with her. He would always say “it’s not that easy” or just get up and go as a response.
Got fed up. So I found a job in another country, I packed and I left. I was 28 then. It's been 4 years now since that day. For these last 4 years I haven't had any luck with a relationship. Absolutely nobody has stopped by my life to spend some time with me. Nothing. I am now 32 with only 1 failed/sick "relationship" on my record, which I keep thinking about.
On the other hand, he's doing quite dandy. After I left the US, he finally broke up with the other one (great timing, huh?) and moved on to this new girl (as ugly as he is, maybe even uglier) to whom he is now engaged. He made sure to provide me with the news "I got engaged!". Maybe he thought I’d be happy for him. Seriously? He got engaged on my birthday AND chose my birthday to send me this news. Weird, huh?
Through my last 4 years here, in the foreign country, he's tried several times to keep a friendship with me, while being with the new woman. Once at a conference he actually proposed of leaving her (after a 2 year relationship with her) if I'd have him back. His words were "she's 25, she can fix her life again...". At the time I had told him that I was having more fun on my own than when I was with him and that my answer was no. This was true although I still did love him. Was I wrong to say this? Should I have taken him back? During the same time he was bombarding me with emails on how “he feels things for me and that he is visiting a therapist to understand what it is that I do to him”. So, did this guy love me but then went to a shrink to cure it? Help me out here.
Now (1 year later) he got engaged to her. I’m guessing he loves her now? Maybe he’s even told her this. God knows he never told me that he loved me, though the “big feelings” he had for me. Not even once. Sure, he did say “I miss you” or “come back home quick” and other mushy stuff like that, but he never told me that he loved me. You know, I give up when it comes to the human soul and heart. Got no clue about people.
Are these actions of a person that loved/loves me? I guess not. I know. Why is it though that his engagement bothers me so? His happiness bothers me. He really seems to behave so nicely towards her, I can't explain it. He is with her the way that I wanted him to be with me. On one hand I love him so much, but at the same time he disgusts me and angers me. He has really no clue on the damage that he has caused to my life.
It's been 4 years, come on! I must snap out of this and move on. But how? I've tried to find somebody else but nobody seems to want me. Now another conference is coming up. Yep, he's going to be there and this time WITH HER. I'm going to be alone. Super-single and 32. How do I confront this? How do I handle him and this? How do I move on? How can I love again? How can I completely forget him and all these injuries

[valexand]

Sorry about the long post.

[tat2doc]

How do you move on, handle this, confront him, etc?

Best way is to put one foot in front of the other and walk through it. he's obviously moved on but you haven't. (like my ex g/f and I - she moved on & I'm trying to)

No matter what you think or feel, there is someone just for you. Have patience and stop thinking negatively. Time will heal you.

In the meantime, you can sit and listen to the same tape over & over, knowing nothing will change the ending. Or you can go start your own tape with your own ending.

It's not easy sometimes but you gotta do it. It's been a year since my g/f and I broke up and I still obsess about it sometimes. So I started keeping a diary and make daily entries. Getting all the frustration, hate, yelling & screaming out. When I close it, I'm done for the day and try to occupy my mind with other things without going back and adding something else. (I use a freeware diary program called Efficient Diary)

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Good luck!

[Umm_kelly]

Even though it's been four years it seems like you've been in too much contact with him to really be able to move on. I have an ex that did basically the same thing to me. And honestly, just being in another relationship is not enough to make that go away. He would call me randomly every time I started to move on, telling me how he still liked me but "loved" Kathy (the girl he left me for). And a week into my relationship with my most recent ex he called my brother asking if I still hated him and telling him he wanted to be with me again. He had been dating a girl for four months when he decided that he wanted me back. I really feel for you about this. The best advice I can give (which came to me from a very good friend of mine) is to focus on your nonromantic relationships. Let your friends support you. I'd also like to add, that getting out in the world and enjoying yourself is a good way to feel better. Fight the urge to answer his calls or emails. What's helped me the most, recently, is feeling good about myself. I've found that the better I feel about myself as a person, and myself in relationships, the less I let people take advantage of me. I've also applied this to nonromantic relationhips. The good friends are hard to find, but they are worth it all. You deserve to be picky. I hope this helped you out a little bit...

[seeker1950]

Valexand, hunny, as I read your post, I identified with much that you described, especially the long recovery. Since I've been in that place in which you find yourself, but I'm now recovered and thinking differently, I'm going to say some things straightforwardly to you:

This man with whom you had this 4 year relationship, was emotionally abusive. I can think of nothing more painful and abusive than having to witness a girlfriend living in your presence with him for three weeks. I call it Narcissistic and even sociopathic on his part. Also, the fact that he "hid" the relationship he had with you, limiting it to the bedroom is emotionally cruel. Have you ever considered why you tolerated this situation for such a long time? Have you tried to talk to a counselor or done self-study in books on these kinds of issues in relationships. I ask, because, at one time, I had a whole library of such recovery books, and I worked so very hard at understanding my own mindset.

This man was your "first." I had a similar first, who was very emotionally abusive. Part of this mindset, I think, in retrospect, is that some of us females put such importance on the first, thinking of it as a sacred bond. Obviously it isn't with such men. Then we are left to recover. And it is a shame that you are still hurting and wondering after 4 years. I've been there and done the same. I recognize that some of this relates to low self-esteem, thinking I didn't deserve any better, while I watched other women my age go on to happy marriages and having families, building the dream.

I say to you, do not let this man rob you of any more of your precious time and your youthful womanhood. He truly does not deserve another moment of thought from you. I've had more than one such relationship, so I know from where I speak to you. You WILL reach a point where the very thought of this man is no longer important to you. You will think of him with indifference, which is better than love or hate. It means you are recovered! Think on this.
Love
Patty

[valexand]

Wow, all these things that you guys have said. You've written down in such a simple way things that I feel I must read everyday.
It is true, when I was with him I really did have low self esteem. I hated my job, my boss was quite chauvinistic and I really suffered through my day, I felt worthless and when I was with him, restricted in that little room I was in fact telling myself "well, at least I have this". He gave me scraps of his version of love and I used those to feed myself for the following days or weeks. Although I was with him, meaning that I had human company with me, honestly I felt alone. I had mentioned this to him several times. He could never comprehend this.
Patty.....you KNOW about this. You have really been here. All the things you've said did something to me. Your assumptions of him were spot on. Your descriptions basically draw his picture. I was emotionally abused by him and these are injuries that are not visible. I feel sick to my stomach and angry with myself for putting up with it. Why was I this stupid? How could I sit there and take it by I person like this?
I have to find a way to give value to myself. I've neglected myself and I have always put my needs and wants aside and give others the priority. Even now when I meet guys, even if I see them interested, I catch myself saying "naaa....let this one go, he can do so much better. Why ruin his life by messing around with me? Give him a chance to find better". Honestly, this is always what goes in my head. I'm still unable to reason why would anyone want to stick around in my life, with me. Got to work on that one. I have to find a way to see me as a valuable person.

[tat2doc]

You don't have to find a way to see yourself as a valuable person.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE PERSON.

And I'm sure there is a guy out there somewhere that would be honored to have you for a g/f. All you gotta do is find each other. And you can't do your part till you get out there and go for it!

[seeker1950]

Hey, girl...
I posted a video for you in our Videos thread!
Love
Patty

[youOme]

Sounds to me like he is playing you the way he had played all the women mentioned above, majorily you. It's a pretty messed up situation on his part. He is the one doing wrong here. You should most def move on in your life. He may love you or claim to love you, possibly even believes he loves you....but actions speak stronger than words and his actions indicate otherwise.

It's very difficult to move on, but you can do it with realizing what the reality of his motives are really about.

[valexand]

Everybody, thanks!
I've already deleted things (email addresses, phone numbers, contacts of all kinds) from my computer.
When I had changed jobs and moved locations for the first 2 years I had completely cut all communication with him. By the second year I was doing great. I got involved with exercising regularly and watched my diet. I managed to shed off about 40 pounds and this had given me confidence. I had started to feel strong enough to date again (not that things ever worked out) but at least I put myself out there.
At a conference (during that second year) we ran into each other. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw me. He actually mentioned to me that I had looked younger than from when he knew me. He handed out other compliments as well....which he had never said before during the 4 YEARS we were "together". He even proposed to take me out to dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you imagine this my friends? I had spent 4 years with him and he finally asked me out to a dinner 2 years after we were over!!!!!!! This where I screwed up though: I accepted the invitation. I was curious to hear what he had to say.
During the dinner he apologized for what he had done to me. That's when I couldn't hold it and I started crying. He seemed upset and said that he hadn't realized how much he had hurt me. He acknowledged how he had damaged my life. Slowly he shifted the conversation to hypothetical questions related to the topic "what if we hooked up again?". He asked me this while being in a relationship! This doesn't fit my brain! He even mentioned about leaving the other girl with which he had been together already for 2 years!!!! This was so cold of him. That's when I told him that the 2 years without him had been more fun than the time I was with him. I also told him that my family and friends went through some trouble to get me back into shape and for their sake I was not going to go back to "that". He got angry and said "well, I guess that's all I needed to hear. Fine then! Fair enough! Since you feel that your friends are more important!".

Still though, after that meeting, for some while (3-6 months) he kept sending me emails that he keeps thinking about me, that his world is upside down, that he sees me in his dreams and that.....he will seek counseling! He was telling me that he was visiting a therapist to understand why he feels so "drawn" to me. I was thinking to myself that all this is weird. I mean, what does all this mean? He loves me so he's curing it by going to a therapist? Is he lying to me and tells me all this because he knows I'll stick around to support him and thus, keep talking to him?

Here's the thing though....this communication did the trick. I got reeled back in the hole I was once in. I felt that he really wanted to be with me. The fact that I was horribly alone didn't help either. As soon as he sensed that I got hooked again that's when he "decided otherwise" and repeated what I had once told him "it is too late". Several months later and on my birthday he announced that he's engaged. Wow.

Yea, here I am again typing the story of my life. Sorry to be bugging you with all this nonsense. I guess I'm simply afraid. Another conference is coming, this June. He'll be there again and this time he's bringing her as well. The happy couple. I'm going to be single and alone, again. He always sees me this way. Once he even made a comment about it too "I'm happy to see you so happy even though you are alone!". I have never been able to rub a new boyfriend in his face. I still wish I could hurt him back. Patty, when will I be able to feel nothing again?!

So sorry to be babbling about this. I promise I'll do better. I'll really try again. Thank you to everybody.

[seeker1950]

Valexand...This is all so emotionally abusive, I don't even know where to start. This man is incapable of being faithful to one woman, and I feel sorry for his "wife!" He is looking for someone (you, it seems) to have on the side, just as he did with the other girlfriend while you were involved with him those years ago.

I have to say that I doubt he is marrying this woman for love. Men like this don't really know how to love (anyone but themselves). You've already mentioned she is unattractive. Is she rich, perhaps!? There are all kinds of motives for a man like this to marry.

You stated:
"Another conference is coming, this June. He'll be there again and this time he's bringing her as well. The happy couple. I'm going to be single and alone, again. He always sees me this way. Once he even made a comment about it too "I'm happy to see you so happy even though you are alone!".

First of all, I doubt they'll be a "happy couple." This type of man is always scanning the horizon for new victims. Don't be his victim anymore. His wife, unless she is oblivious or has blinders on, will soon realize this. He is going to be thinking of his wife as a dead weight to his freedom and seductions. Don't let him draw you into this. If you must interact with him, do so politely and impersonally, smile with confidence and greet his wife warmly...then get away from him with the grace and dignity you have inside of you. Even if he has his wife with him, he will probably try to get you off alone to talk. Don't do it! Don't accept any dinner invitations with him or with him and wife. You are busy, have plans, and have friends you're meeting. You are an exciting single gal having fun! How everyone envys a single career woman who knows where she's going. This is the attitude you should cultivate. Also, you DON'T need to have a boyfriend at your side to get revenge. The best revenge is your happiness and moving on with your life! If he has to see you, let him see this!
Love
Patty

[valexand]

Patty, you REALLY have knowledge on this. On one hand this makes me sad because this means that you've been here, you've suffered through this too! On the other hand I am just so happy that you ran into my post! All the things you've said....
I don't know how to thank you for everything, your advice, the time you took to read my long posts. To be honest this is the first time that anyone has ever HEARD, LISTENED to my cry.
All people in this thread that sat down to write to me, to help me have been incredibly valuable. But Patty, especially you....from such a distance and everything you write is so spot on! As if you were an eye in the sky watching the whole thing. I'm just amazed.

To All: Thank you!

[seeker1950]

Valexand...Let me tell you...there are many, many people here on PC who can and will help you. I came here 4 years ago a basket case. I got so much compassionate and helpful insight that helped me take the baby steps toward recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship. At times, it does seem like baby steps, truly. But you WILL get there!

You know that video I sent you...You are the beautiful skater in that video. Remember this!
Love
Patty

[valexand]

Just to let everybody know, I've started to pick myself up. This is a result from your support. Yesterday I went for jogging, treated myself to a movie and a good dinner. I'm going to pump it up at work and increase exercise. I hooked up with two other girls and we now make jogging meetings and this week we will also go to the pool for swimming. I'm going to lose those extra pounds and become stronger. And you know what? Is he going to be at that conference? Really? With her as well? Ha! At that conference I'll arrange all business meetings in the daytime BUT I'll fill all my evenings with activities like going to the opera, a ballet show, walking around the city. I'll be booking tickets over the internet!!!! That will keep me entertained but also quite unavailable!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to be nice to myself!!!!!!!

[seeker1950]

Valexand,
Good for you! I really think physical exercise and the pursuit of fitness is one of the best things you can do for yourself. We can all benefit from your example! I certainly need to develop and exercise routine and get into better shape. Just a little bit of exercise helps the mental processes immensely.
Just keep reminding yourself that YOU are in control and that your priorities are for personal growth, self-improvement (physically and emotionally).
You no longer need to dwell upon the past with this awful man who treated you so badly. A bright future looms ahead of you.
Love
Patty