[marjan]

I'm tired of myself...my patern...I'm 35 and feel so lonely...so lonely....nobody can even imagine
I don't know what to do....I get attention from guys....and once I start going out, I get too attached and too possesive, and jealous....I want the person just for myself....I want everything goes the way that I want...and if it doesn't I feel so horrible and disappointed....
I can't control my emotions....and I show them very easily....till the person tells me that he doesn't want me around him at all!!!!
just less than two weeks ago...the guy that I was dating, broke up with me...I didn't want to go out with him at the first place, because I was so scared of myself....but he persuaded me and we start going out for two months....but all the time, it was in my mind that this is impossible....because things were going okay and good....I can't control my negetive thoughts...trust me I use all methods...and I'm good for awhile then I break it....
and he told me that he can't make me happy....and he got mad at me....well...he told me lots of hurtful stuff....and I was sad since then...I can't stop thinking about it....hate that....he text messaged me twice....and I didn't answer him...in his last text message, he said he wants to talk and be friends....I can't really....I'm afraid of talking to him and I'm afraid of rejection....I can't handle it....
I don't know how to find a partner....it seems guys are interested in me, but once the relationship starts, I can't hold on to it.....
I'm so tired and confused....please help me....not sure what to do really?
thanks

[Capp]

marjan,
I'm so sorry you are going through this rough patch...

Have your thought about counseling to help you sort your feelings? you are aware of your actions; perhaps if you know and understand why it will ease things for you.

You mentioned it being difficult about being friends yet this is where you may need to start. Going slowly can be wonderfully relaxing when you aren't expecting immediate intimacy. Intimacy in this case is not meant sexually; it's meant as growing into knowing each other well, respect and affection developing, just enjoying each other.

Peace,
Cap

[horsecab]

Originally Posted by marjan

I'm tired of myself...my patern...I'm 35 and feel so lonely...so lonely....nobody can even imagine
I don't know what to do....I get attention from guys....and once I start going out, I get too attached and too possesive, and jealous....I want the person just for myself....I want everything goes the way that I want...and if it doesn't I feel so horrible and disappointed....
I can't control my emotions....and I show them very easily....till the person tells me that he doesn't want me around him at all!!!!
just less than two weeks ago...the guy that I was dating, broke up with me...I didn't want to go out with him at the first place, because I was so scared of myself....but he persuaded me and we start going out for two months....but all the time, it was in my mind that this is impossible....because things were going okay and good....I can't control my negetive thoughts...trust me I use all methods...and I'm good for awhile then I break it....
and he told me that he can't make me happy....and he got mad at me....well...he told me lots of hurtful stuff....and I was sad since then...I can't stop thinking about it....hate that....he text messaged me twice....and I didn't answer him...in his last text message, he said he wants to talk and be friends....I can't really....I'm afraid of talking to him and I'm afraid of rejection....I can't handle it....
I don't know how to find a partner....it seems guys are interested in me, but once the relationship starts, I can't hold on to it.....
I'm so tired and confused....please help me....not sure what to do really?
thanks

Marjan, my heart goes out to you. I am basically the male version of what you just described. I have women interested in me, but I fear risking intimacy. I fear rejection like it's death itself. I'm older than you are also. I've struggled with this all my life, and always been alone and belittled myself for being this way. Just recently I heard about Avoidant Personality Disorder. (PC now has a forum for it in Personality Place) I read about it and saw it was how I had been my whole life. Knowing about it hasn't magically transformed me, but it does help me to feel a little more accepting of myself, that I'm not a total failure with women, and that now I know there are others like me out there. And it helps me realize what it's all about in the end, and that is our not loving ourselves enough, and desperately looking for that love from another person. I would really like to talk more with you if you'd like. Feel free to pm me. I like to hang out in chat also.

[marjan]

Thanks so much for your reply....
I've done lots of cunsoling....lots...I read a lot....you can't even imagine how much I read daily to figure out....that's how I'm figuring it out that I do have issues....and I love to work on them....
That is true friendship is really important in a relationship....and that was missing from this relationship....I told him...the last day we've been together...I told him that if he was my friend he would have known me that I'm hungry and tired....he said I am your friend....I said no you are not...that's how he starts fighting with me....
I never made that level of friendship with a guy and then dating....I do have lots of guy friends that I love to hang out with them, and they are interested in me....but I'm not interested sexually or I don't feel that chimistry with them....
With this new guy, I felt the Chimistry and I felt I can make him my friend, but my possesivness and jealousy ruined everything....and at top of that, the trust....I couldn't have trust him....although, I didn't see anything from him....even I broke into his email, which is bad thing to do....and honestly, I didn't find anything rather than him being excited to be with me and telling his friends....it was embarrasing really knowing that I'm breaking into his email.....
well...what do you think? what should I do? I'm sure, he will contact me and wants to know if we can be friends....but I don't want just being friends....I want more than that....I do have enough friends really....I need a partner....I need friend for my life.....
what should I tell him? I'm so afraid to face it....I'm so afraid to talk to him....I'm afraid if he says, he just want to be friend....and he can't stand me....I'm afraid....I don't know even what I want? I just know that I don't like it when he constantly going to Salsa clubs and talking to girls...I don't feel secure in the relationship then....I dont' like it....

[marjan]

thanks horsecab for your reply....

I accept that I have fear of rejection....and I have developed this fear during high school....however, I do have friends who care about me....and I don't have problem initiation friendship or going to new places....my problem is happening when I'm in the actual relationship....I can't hold on to it....It looks like I'm constantly tring to scape out of it....As I love to be in a relationship, but I can't get relaxed and enjoy it....I'm tired of being single frankly....I found the guy who I enjoyed being with and then I blow my chance away....he really liked me....but I couldn't accept it....I rejected him so many times....and the finally he cut it lose!

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by marjan

thanks horsecab for your reply....

I accept that I have fear of rejection....and I have developed this fear during high school....however, I do have friends who care about me....and I don't have problem initiation friendship or going to new places....my problem is happening when I'm in the actual relationship....I can't hold on to it....It looks like I'm constantly tring to scape out of it....As I love to be in a relationship, but I can't get relaxed and enjoy it....I'm tired of being single frankly....I found the guy who I enjoyed being with and then I blow my chance away....he really liked me....but I couldn't accept it....I rejected him so many times....and the finally he cut it lose!

marjan, i read all your posts on this thread before replying. i'm wondering if the place to start overcoming this behavior is within you. if we possess a low self esteem we feel that others will fill up that hole within ourselves. the truth is we need to learn to love ourselves first, realize we are a person of value and worth and then we can have successful relationships with others. have u tried this approach in therapy? if not, i suggest you to talk about how you are feeling about relationships and yourself with your t. then you all can get to the root cause of why you feel you sabotage your relationships with others. i hope this helps. it's just mho, but i could see myself in you when i first started therapy. i was able to change "old tapes" of how i felt about myself and learn to love myself first, to like myself. then i was more successful in having a healthy relationship with others.
hope u will keep us posted. you matter to us and we care about u!

[marjan]

Originally Posted by madisgram

marjan, i read all your posts on this thread before replying. i'm wondering if the place to start overcoming this behavior is within you. if we possess a low self esteem we feel that others will fill up that hole within ourselves. the truth is we need to learn to love ourselves first, realize we are a person of value and worth and then we can have successful relationships with others. have u tried this approach in therapy? if not, i suggest you to talk about how you are feeling about relationships and yourself with your t. then you all can get to the root cause of why you feel you sabotage your relationships with others. i hope this helps. it's just mho, but i could see myself in you when i first started therapy. i was able to change "old tapes" of how i felt about myself and learn to love myself first, to like myself. then i was more successful in having a healthy relationship with others.
hope u will keep us posted. you matter to us and we care about u!

Thanks for your replay.....
I hear all the time that people say you got to love yourself, value yourself....I dont' know what it means really?
I keep searching to find out if there is anything wrong with me? why should I get so emotional and sensetive out of couple of months relationship....who cares really? I hate that about myself....

[Toller]

I'm scared of being alone as well, only thing is I can't even start a relationship to hold onto it. I agree as well when you say you don't get when people say you have to love yourself for others to love you. Why does that make a difference? If you really, really loved yourself and had the biggest ego in the world, does that mean everyone loves you??? In comparison, I don't like myself but I know there are plenty of people who like me and then I don't love myself either but I don't know one single person that loves me and all I need and want is to know that one person loves me. I'm sure there are millions of people out there that don't love themselves yet they can be loved by others and find someone, I have problems even finding someone. So I can't agree when anyone says you have to love yourself to be loved.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Toller

I'm scared of being alone as well, only thing is I can't even start a relationship to hold onto it. I agree as well when you say you don't get when people say you have to love yourself for others to love you. Why does that make a difference? If you really, really loved yourself and had the biggest ego in the world, does that mean everyone loves you??? In comparison, I don't like myself but I know there are plenty of people who like me and then I don't love myself either but I don't know one single person that loves me and all I need and want is to know that one person loves me. I'm sure there are millions of people out there that don't love themselves yet they can be loved by others and find someone, I have problems even finding someone. So I can't agree when anyone says you have to love yourself to be loved.

welcome to pc toller!!! the description of loving yourself first means that we can't rely on others to give us happiness. it must come from within. learning to love yourself encompasses enjoying and liking yourself first. sure there are ppl that love us regardless but if we love ourselves first we are able to have a healthy relationship with others not draining them due to our own neediness. that only drives ppl away from us. hope this helps.