The Ex

Hello all. It has been a long while since I have been on PC and miss chatting with the friends I had made before. School is going well, just finished Physiological Psych which was tough, I'm pushing forward.

I wanted to get a thought or two on something. About 11 years ago I was divorce from my son's mom and later remarried. My son, now 14, lives with us and his siblings. However, his mother continues to speak and respond to me as if I am that person she was married to those many years ago. I try to keep the conversation about our son and his growth and maturity and she turns it into an "us" issue. I know that after some of the psyc classes I've taken I could probably psychoanalyze why, but I don't want to do that. Sometimes I just want to have a real conversation with a "mature" adult and it not turn into a mess. Then I feel like I'm compromising more than I should for the sake of my son.

I talk to my son about what his mom and I talk (argue) about because I want to know where I stand on everything. Never to feel like he is a problem. And I reassure him that he will never hear me talk bad about his mom. Although he has said that was not so on her part.


I may be just unloading my thoughts, but I am always listening. Stay golden and thank you...

Sorry you are going through all this... as it sounds like your ex has not fully moved on... how you also talked to your ex about the "we part" not being there any more except in the ares of the son you two had together?

BTW - Good Job with the line of communication you have open with your son.

I just want to say how refreshing it is to hear that you and the ex still communicate about your children! With the history between the two of you it can't be easy, but what an wonderful example you are to your children! Kudos!!!!!

kudos on being the parent you are. sorry you are having probs with the ex tho. sounds like she is not the "mature adult" to talk to in a constructive manner re you son due to her inability to keep the topic on son. that's not your fault it seems but hers. wanting to have a "mature conversation with someone" who may not be mature is just gonna frustrate you. i assume she has her own time with y'alls son. like he goes to visit her etc. so she's engaged in his life. perhaps stepping back a little with all the conversations would help. if she approaches you about something you can answer her question but keep it simple or suggest she ask your son. he's old enough to communicate adequately with her.

it would seem that having a constructive conversation with her is not going to be as fruitful i'd you'd like. so perhaps some "healthy distance" from her is the answer. idk, but thought i'd throw that out to you. having expectations of others that are not capable of fulfilling them is futile. can't change them either. been there, done that. you're doing all the good things for your son. i'd say keep your focus on him and use all that positive energy you have for your relationship with your son.

Thank you all for the words and thoughts. He does go to visit every other weekend. Its just hard when I want to talk about how he is doing in school - not turning in homework, a project he has that's due, etc - and wanting her parental input and not getting the added support. The other thing was trying to get him to develop socially as a 14 yr old. He switches into this 8 yr old behavior that we (step-mom and I) have to continuously correct. It gets to my wife because when his mom calls they both talk to each other in little kiddy voices. He becomes 8 and she become 10. I try to get him to get involved in the youth group at church, call friends, hang out with other teens, but it comes back to being around little kids. He is the oldest on both sides and my daughter (10) is the closest to his age. At his mom's he's around kids 5-8 and that is what he grew up with.
His mom and I argued about him being "a little kid" and he is not. But I will continue to teach my kids and be a father for them. Again thank you very much and stay golden as you go through you days.

StayGolden, you are doing a great job trying to co-parent. It is a challenge when the other parent is not quite at the same level. It's like being cooperative in a vacuum.

Just want to ask--is the way she is talking to you as if she was still your sweetie? As if you two were still together and intimate or best friends? Or is she talking to you in an argumentative, hostile way? Depending on which it is could call for different approaches.

She loses her temper? Shifts the conversation from the son to other topics in her life or your life?

Can you guys work together to establish some ground rules for your interactions? Perhaps work to establish more of a "business" type interaction? Would having a neutral party help you do this make it more palatable to your ex-wife? Perhaps you could enlist the aid of a family therapist or a school psychologist, etc. Maybe if the recommendations come from an expert instead of her ex, she would be more apt to listen to them. A therapist could also help the two of you on your communication skills so your talks don't break down into arguments or get off topic. I agree that encouraging your son to act babyish sounds very odd, and I think a psychologist or therapist might be able to help her see this is not in your son's best interests.

I think it might be better to model the behavior of "never talking bad about his mom" rather than avowing it. It comes close to putting your son into a split loyalty situation, which is difficult for children of divorce. The son has now basically dissed his mom to you, saying she talks bad about you. It's just an uncomfortable role for one parent to be listening to a child diss the other. THe parent wants to be sympathetic and supportive, yet by being so, may be condoning the child's dissing behavior, which is often rooted in all sorts of stuff rather than completely in reality. The best response a parent can give when the child disses the other parent is to say, "I'm concerned about that. I will talk to your mother about it." That lets the child know his concerns are being heard and also that you are going straight to the source to verify things and figure out a way to fix the problem with the other parent. I know that might be hard in your situation, but it is a good way to respond to the child about complaints about the other parent. In my own situation (separated almost 1.5 years, getting close to divorce), there have been numerous times when our kids said something that the other parent did that was just not true, or they reported it out of context so it seemed worse than it was. Whenever my ex-H or I hear anything like that, we check with the other parent. This is also very reassuring to the kid as it lets them know that mom and dad still work together on parenting decisions.

I am recommending a book about co-parenting after divorce. It talks about the "business" model of interacting and has all sorts of practical suggestions. Although it has chapters on some of the early phases of divorce, there is still a lot that may be helpful. And if you like the book, you could recommend key parts of it to your your ex-wife.
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for your Child
This book, as well as a couple of others, were helpful to my ex-H and I when we were doing the split. It also helps establish some positive goals for the future regarding co-parenting and so I could see that after divorce, the parental interactions didn't have to be awful, hateful, destructive, etc. (the stereotype). We also had the help of a family therapist who helped us work through the rough spots and helped us establish as our primary goal, the well-being of our kids.

I disagree with this. You do not want to put your son "in the middle" of conversations you should be having with your ex-wife. It's really uncomfortable for the child. If you need to ask your ex-wife something, then do it directly. Don't use your son as the message carrier.

Keep at it, StayGolden. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

I would never be as inept to have my son choose. I have watched to many people do that it is not healthy. I have worked with youth in corrections and that was behavior I saw and heard about daily. I involve me son because I believe it is right. That is something that will not change. I do not lay guilt trips on him or make ultimatums or the like. Bottom line, I never had a father, yet I vowed as a child to be a father and through prayer and the positive examples I was able to learn from, my kids and I have a relationship.

It becomes more about gaining assistance from his mom. It drives my wife and I to frustration at times. My ex does not treat me as if we were still together intimately, but as if she is in charge and i believe that is the whole point: control. When he decided to come stay with us, the look she gave him was one of dominance and when we came to an agreement on terms it was as if she was losing control over something. I don't presume to be a great psychologist even after my studies, but I do know her personality after 20 yrs. She has never seen herself as having or being "a problem."

Thanks all for listening and commenting.

My X took my children from me. I lived in the UK, she's British, we got married, had two beautiful kids, and then...she didn't want to leave the UK and she got literally everything, I had my clothes.

We did keep in contact, but when I told her I was thinking about moving to the UK for good, she told me I wasn't the kid's father, they had one now, and he was good to them and I was never to talk to them or contact them or her ever again. All this came out of the blue, as I was doing all I could to keep in contact with them (I was in CA for Pete's sake, I coulnd't see them all the time), birthdays, Christmas, once a month calls (couldn't afford more than that), and she knew it. She moved, and hid herself well, it wasn't 'til now that I'm back in the UK that I found her. I sent a letter, but I knew she wouldn't respond, and she hasn't... Cest-la-vie. She even ilegally changed my daughter's name (I know this for sure, but don't know if she did my son or not). My daughter turned 17 in Feb, my son will be 15 this March. I haven't seen them for 10 years, and haven't spoken to them for 9 years.

Why all this? As much as you may dislike your X wife, you have your son. He sees you daily except for her visits. He's old enough to know who and what you are. My kids no nothing about me, and what they do know is prolly bad from her. Oh well. I love my children and would love to even be able to see them every other weekend. You have it good my friend!

I wouldn't worry that she talks bad about you, and you are doing the right thing by not talking bad about her. Personally, I woulnd't even discuss her with him, so he has nothing to say at all. If she won't talk to you in a civil, polite manner, and be a friend, there is no reason to involve her, she is extricating herself from this, and the more you push her the worse it will get, especially if she's a control freak.

I don't like confrontations, but if I get pushed to a certain limit, I will confront. I don't like ultimatums, but there are times I feel they are necessary. I don't like getting walked on...and it seems she feels she has the right to do so to you...and you let it happen. Being nice, being Christian, doesn't mean you let people treat you like a door mat. You can be kind in telling her what you need and what you want, and if it's not going to happen, no more will you even bother talking to her. If she can't accept that her behaviour is destructive, then why keep trying? Tell her she can come get him on her days, then drop him off. Leave her out of his life with you, no need to interact with her at all. This is all IMHO, but how I would deal with it.

Originally Posted by madisgram
if she approaches you about something you can answer her question but keep it simple or suggest she ask your son. he's old enough to communicate adequately with her.
****
I disagree with this. You do not want to put your son "in the middle" of conversations you should be having with your ex-wife. It's really uncomfortable for the child. If you need to ask your ex-wife something, then do it directly. Don't use your son as the message carrier.
Keep at it, StayGolden. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.[/quote]
*******
oops sorry for the confusing remark. i meant that if wife was asking husband a question that son could answer directly, that ex husband didn't have to be the "middle" man.

Choose what? It sounds like he did choose to come live with you.

In cases like this, I don't think she is ever going to "see the light" from conversations with her ex. Even more, I think the neutral advice of a professional might be the only hope for getting her to see how destructive she is and stop her negative behaviors. My soon to be ex-husband is very self-centered, narcissistic. He could never listen to me on anything as it was very important to his ego to be "right" on everything. Yet by working with a trained professional, he was able to acknowledge counterproductive and destructive behavior that he never would have been able to if I had said those things to him. Maybe your ex-wife is too resistant to even listen to a professional but it might be worth a shot to make the best situation for your son.

I totally agree on this. Show by your actions, as you have been, that you love him and are taking the high road. No need to discuss Mom with him unless there are problems he needs to share.

ihateit, I'm sorry about your situation. Your ex-wife was the epitomy of selfishness. Do you think that now that you know where your kids are living, you will be able to see them? Could a lawyer in the UK help you get permission to see them?

If I confused anyone, I do talk to her directly. My son is never the messenger, parents who do that have some issues to deal with. I just let him know where I stand on things so that he doesn't get the wrong info about what has happened.

Again, thanks for the talks, I needed to let that out. For you ihateit, couldn't imagine the loss you felt. I hope one day they try to find you.

stay golden and keep smiling.