[magz88]

I am new to this site but it be nice to get some unbiased opinions (seeing as you guys don't know me like my housemates, friends, family, etc.). Anyways to the point:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. I have always trusted him even though his ex-girlfirend is psycho. Over this time I have noticed some flirty texts here and there but mainly I understood it as him being selfish and wanting her to like him and her knowing she can't have him since he loves me. Recently when he was black-out drunk he had sent some innappropriate texts to her and I confronted him. He apologized but knew that wasn't enough. He had been writing a letter to me (Ican post it if people want to analyze it) but mainly it said he truly loved me and I have made him a better person and closer with his family.

BUT he needs to be totally honest with me. About 2 months into the relationship he cheated on me. He has no recolection of it happening because he was black out drunk and didn't even know anything happened until the girl said it happened.

He lets me check his texts and facebook if I feel the urge, he deleted her number, his myspace, all connections to her have been cut off.

He says he truly loves me and he did cry when he admitted everything. I believe he does and his history with his ex is horrible and I feel bad for those who have been in that situation.

I'm still with him but sometimes I don't know if it's right. I love him, I thought we would get married - he still hopes to marry me but is it okay to forgive him?

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by magz88

but is it okay to forgive him?

Forgiveness is like Beauty it is in the eye of the beholder... and it is up to each person to decide what is allowed and what is not.

I personally would work to see if I could get past the betrayal since it was not done on purpose... and I would have a long talk with him about his drinking.

Good Luck.

[magz88]

He never drinks like that anymore. Recently when he did he was upset (he's in real estate, need I say more?) but otherwise he doesn't like drinking and hasn't downed a bottle since around the cheating time when I think back. Even when I told him to just chill and have a few beers he never likes to drink and never wants to.....maybe it scares him because of what he's done?

It seems like I could get over the experience but my friends and family aren't really the type to turn to in these situations so it's nice to find more unbiased people.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by magz88

I am new to this site but it be nice to get some unbiased opinions (seeing as you guys don't know me like my housemates, friends, family, etc.). Anyways to the point:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. I have always trusted him even though his ex-girlfirend is psycho. Over this time I have noticed some flirty texts here and there but mainly I understood it as him being selfish and wanting her to like him and her knowing she can't have him since he loves me. Recently when he was black-out drunk he had sent some innappropriate texts to her and I confronted him. He apologized but knew that wasn't enough. He had been writing a letter to me (Ican post it if people want to analyze it) but mainly it said he truly loved me and I have made him a better person and closer with his family.

BUT he needs to be totally honest with me. About 2 months into the relationship he cheated on me. He has no recolection of it happening because he was black out drunk and didn't even know anything happened until the girl said it happened. So, the question here would be did he or didn't he? Who's to say she's not lying, just trying to mess up his life because of you, and they aren't together, and she wants to be...was there any real proof this even actually happened? How can you forgive something that you're not even sure happened.

He lets me check his texts and facebook if I feel the urge, he deleted her number, his myspace, all connections to her have been cut off. If he's that willing to let you invade such private things, things where most people draw the line, like stay outta my purse, don't look at my phone, etc., I draw the conclusion you have nothing to worry about.

He says he truly loves me and he did cry when he admitted everything. I believe he does and his history with his ex is horrible and I feel bad for those who have been in that situation. I know what it's like to be in that situation, I had a psycho ex and it wasn't pretty, but I knew what was going on and put myself in that situation, and got myself out of it, I don't feel the need for someone to feel sorry for me and really, it should have no bearing on how you feel for him, except maybe he was srtong enough to get out and not let her ruin him.

I'm still with him but sometimes I don't know if it's right. I love him, I thought we would get married - he still hopes to marry me but is it okay to forgive him? You've been together over a year and a half, for over a year he's done nothing wrong, if indeed, again, he ever did really do anything wrong. He loves you, as you say, he let's you into places where most people wouldn't. And it's always ok to forgive, imho it's wrong to not forgive. You don't necessarily have to forget, but over time you kinda will. I forgive any and everyone who has done me harm, on purpose or not.

I'm not preaching...frogiveness for me is a must. I can't hate, I do dislike some ppl, but hate never. But forgiveness is a must, you can't live with, imho, that kind of feeling inside you, it will eat at you, always. And, like I said, is there even any real proof he did anything wrong, as he was blacked out, she could have said anything...I have seen it happen and a careere ruined because a wife assumed somehting happened and it didn't, when someone was drunk like that. Just some things to think about in my green and here.

GL with your decision, I hope you make the right one for you.

God bless!

[magz88]

thanks for the advice it helps a lot.

So many people get in such horrible relationships it seems like it takes forever to get over it again. She is what I like to call a "myspace *****" she's a wannabe model but only has lingerie and thong bikini pictures. She's so attention starved it took months for her to leave him alone. I wouldn't put it past her to have made it up, she wanted him back because all the men she hops into bed with now just use her and he actually liked her before the bleach blonde hair and psycho attitude.

Why are some women sooo insane???

[youOme]

You know there is one thing I learned about cheaters, meaning people who are disloyal in their relationship, is once a cheater always a cheater. If they are capable of doing it once and than getting away with it then they are capable of doing it again and believing they could get away with it again. I know this sounds negative, but this is my own personal opinion. I've come across a lot of disloyal people like this, like my sister for example, and they have always been this way and don't look like they're changing anytime soon. You don't deserve this to happen to you, and can you imagine...everytime he walks out the door that **** will be in the back of your mind. Personally, I could never forget it or trust my man if he was to do it to me.

[deliquesce]

for me, i would have dumped him at 2 months. blind drunk or not, i can't forgive that sort of behaviour.

BUT - you have been with him for a year after that event. he has only been inappropriate when he has been drunk. you have said he has sinced stopped drinking. i think i would stay with him and forgive him for his past behaviour.

if he does turn to drinking again, though, i would be out of there.

[magz88]

Originally Posted by youOme

You know there is one thing I learned about cheaters, meaning people who are disloyal in their relationship, is once a cheater always a cheater.

See that's what I have always thought too. I am pretty good about staying emotionless when it comes to decision making. If I have questions I look him straight in the eye and ask him. I would have dumped him in 2 seconds but we have such a positive history. we fight a lot but it's not like I end up in dispair he's like my even match

He wrote me this and read it to me before he came clean:

Maggi over the last few weeks I have come to appreciate everything you do for me and not because of the actions but because of what they stand for, you are my best friend and the love of my life. I started to write you a letter last week after hearing pastor’s message on couples, so that I could in some small way tell you the way I truly feel about you. I think that you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I would do anything to know that you are truly happy. I could not imagine my life with you not in it, and just the thought of not having you in my life brings tears to my eyes. I can be bad at showing you how much I truly care but I do notice and remember every very small thing you do for me like, keep me out of trouble or the big things like drive home from school just so that I can see you in the morning. Every moment I am with you is better ONLY because you are there. I know when we started dating that I said I love you very soon and this scared you but I can tell you anything and you are there to lend me a hand or to encourage me in any way that you can. I can proudly say I am a totally different person today then I was when we started to date because of what I have learned from you. When my mom asked the other day if you were “the one” I wanted to tell her there was no doubt in my mind, and that forever is not long enough as long as I have you. Only because of you I see what I can become and you are the great woman who has lead me there. With you by my side I have no fear or doubts about what tomorrow brings because you are my greatest treasure. Before I met you I had plans to see the world, own my own company, and live life to the fullest but now I could never even imagine doing anything without you by my side. I no longer dread becoming an adult, having kids, or even growing old because I will always have you and all of those things sound so wonderful when I add you in the picture. You are the girl that every guy dreams of at night when he hopes for the perfect women you are very smart not just book smarts but a quick and independent, you are classically beautiful the kind of girl that looks good no matter if you just got out of the pool or a big night on the town. Pastor told us last week never to compare your mate to anyone but I have never found this to be a problem because there is no one I have ever found that I care so much for, not even my own family. Only because of you have I even began to speak to my family and began to forgive them for what I felt they have done to me. Every day I am with you I am a better person then the last, I need you in my life Maggi that’s all there is to it.

It's sappy and long but I am going into a people-driven industry, I've learned to read people and he's so ashamed of himself (as he should be). If he didn't seem sincere he would be gone and I wouldn't need advice.

[RonnieVae]

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. However, I would probably have dumped him at the time he did it. You're worth more than having to put up with a guy who's obviously still not over his ex. To me, if you had threw things at him, dumped him, waited, and he STILL crawled back to you, it probably would have been a little more proving of his love than for him to cheat and still have a girlfriend with open arms. I know, I'm mean, but I honestly have no sympathy for cheaters. Drunk or not, he put himself in that situation. He must've known the girl was there and knew that you weren't (dont quite understand the situation), but still allowed himself to risk your relationship.

Now, that was over a year ago. You obviously have reasons to trust him because you've been with him since. I commend you for having the heart to forgive someone in that situation, because I don't. Anyways, let him know(if you haven't already) that you're trust in him will probably always be less than 100% because of that incident; therefore he will always need to step it up to keep you happy. If he's really as sincere as you believe he is, he will gladly meet the challenge imo.

[magz88]

I didn't know until recently. He had kept it from me until about a month ago; he could have never told me but he wanted to because he didn't want those secrects to be kept.

[RonnieVae]

Originally Posted by magz88

I didn't know until recently. He had kept it from me until about a month ago; he could have never told me but he wanted to because he didn't want those secrects to be kept.

I can say that I've been in a similar situation to your boyfriend's in the case of drunken mishaps.

Me being at college, I was hanging out with my friends on the weekend, and I got drunk. This had always been pretty harmless seeing as it was a small group of friends that I had known since early high school. However, some guy showed up who wasn't suppossed to, and he was an acquaintance who I occasionally chatted up about videogames.

While I had turned over to sleep privately in one of my friend's rooms, he had snuck upstairs to "cheer me up" (I was crying over Brad, my bf living back where I used to before college). He then concluded his little motivational speech by taking advantage of the fact that I could barely see and forgot how I even got on the bed at that point. He came in close, grabbed/turned my face to his and kissed me on the lips. As drunk as I was, it was an immediate reflex to pull away, and I started crying for Brad. The inconsiderate boy then used the excuse that he was just "testing me" and fortunately left.

I immediately stumbled around to find my phone where I called Brad and sobbingly told him what had happened and that I felt so overwhelmed with guilt just by the fact that I wasn't cognitive enough to push the guy away before he was able to make lip contact. Brad was, of course, extremely disappointed with how I put myself in that situation, but forgave me because I was sincere enough to not hide something like that from him. I also told my friend who hosted the party about what happened, and the culprit was immediately kicked out of the apartment that night.

I then promised Brad not to drink without him, and have stuck to it ever since. This event has not kept him from loving me at all or holding it against me ever since we reconciled it.

Anyways, my point is that if what really happened DID infact happen, there probably could have been more effort on his part to reconcile it immediately instead of keeping a dirty little secret, which I'm still not sure I'm understanding this correctly. Alternatively, if it's something that his ex just brought up, theres a good chance she's lying - if he's not lying about not remembering anything, that is. Either way, I believe every woman deserves a faithful and loving man, and he should probably step it up..hm...say.. NOW if he expects to continue with ya!

[sunny49]

I think you're sweet for staying but if you really want "unbias" it sounds like you;re sorta making excuses for him......from one that started where you are & 28 yrs later I now am crushed with my heart broken because I ignored the signs ...........please don,t put up with it...a man know just as we do who he's sleeping with......good luck

[magz88]

I know it is a weird situation it's hard to explain.

Honestly kissing and sex though are two different situations; I've had sex and not remembered it. My freshman year I drank heavily 3-4 times a week and usually blacked out once a week but hey we were all having a blast. Luckily I had a boyfriend during that time but he was pretty useless for a walk home but I'd still have no recollection of a few times we had sex.

He is very dumb, he doesn't think about his actions and he hung out with her when she asked him to talk with her. He lets go of anger too easily and forgets the wrong doings from the past. I hope keeping the secret truly did eat him alive as he stated. Watching him confess you could see the pain in his eyes and how he knew he was a pathetic person for allowing anything to happen.

Anyways I did end up recently tweaking balls and told him if he can't move heaven and earth to show me he's worth being with, if he can't step up and be a man, show me his commitment then he should walk away now.

[RonnieVae]

Originally Posted by magz88

I know it is a weird situation it's hard to explain.

Honestly kissing and sex though are two different situations; I've had sex and not remembered it. My freshman year I drank heavily 3-4 times a week and usually blacked out once a week but hey we were all having a blast. Luckily I had a boyfriend during that time but he was pretty useless for a walk home but I'd still have no recollection of a few times we had sex.

He is very dumb, he doesn't think about his actions and he hung out with her when she asked him to talk with her. He lets go of anger too easily and forgets the wrong doings from the past. I hope keeping the secret truly did eat him alive as he stated. Watching him confess you could see the pain in his eyes and how he knew he was a pathetic person for allowing anything to happen.

Anyways I did end up recently tweaking balls and told him if he can't move heaven and earth to show me he's worth being with, if he can't step up and be a man, show me his commitment then he should walk away now.

That's good for you! I really do hope things turn out well for you two! He sounds very much like my boyfriend in the respect that he may let people walk all over him too much, lol the (too nice for your own good type)! But yeah, even when you black out, I would think that waking up naked next to someone would be a dead giveaway the next morning. :P

[magz88]

haha I know right. Even as much as he hated her for their relationship he still tried to be nice after the relationship. I just stayed out of it because it's his past not mine. I did not want that drama. For a couple months I guess after the incident I would notice her calling him or text messaging but he constantly deleted them and ignored them because if he didn't give her any attention she'd eventually let up.....for awhile I never heard about her. But, shedevils never give up.

[thelionkinglives]

Originally Posted by magz88

I am new to this site but it be nice to get some unbiased opinions (seeing as you guys don't know me like my housemates, friends, family, etc.). Anyways to the point:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. I have always trusted him even though his ex-girlfirend is psycho. Over this time I have noticed some flirty texts here and there but mainly I understood it as him being selfish and wanting her to like him and her knowing she can't have him since he loves me. Recently when he was black-out drunk he had sent some innappropriate texts to her and I confronted him. He apologized but knew that wasn't enough. He had been writing a letter to me (Ican post it if people want to analyze it) but mainly it said he truly loved me and I have made him a better person and closer with his family.

BUT he needs to be totally honest with me. About 2 months into the relationship he cheated on me. He has no recolection of it happening because he was black out drunk and didn't even know anything happened until the girl said it happened.

He lets me check his texts and facebook if I feel the urge, he deleted her number, his myspace, all connections to her have been cut off.

He says he truly loves me and he did cry when he admitted everything. I believe he does and his history with his ex is horrible and I feel bad for those who have been in that situation.

I'm still with him but sometimes I don't know if it's right. I love him, I thought we would get married - he still hopes to marry me but is it okay to forgive him?

Unfortunately I don't feel comfortable giving advise on this topic because it is not something I've experienced. While I have had my trust betrayed in many ways over the years, this is one that I've been fortunate enough to not have to endure.

I would just like to take the time to let you know I'm thinking about ya

[magz88]

Originally Posted by thelionkinglives

I would just like to take the time to let you know I'm thinking about ya

aww thanks. it's hard to explain without demonizing or making excuses for him. I used to think it was a black and white subject and everything is perfect until i found this out. my friends and family adore him, he's a genuinely good person and he has matured a lot. he was just very dumb and doesn't realize where his actions will take him and that may be the one thing that totally screws up his love life

[thelionkinglives]

Originally Posted by magz88

aww thanks. it's hard to explain without demonizing or making excuses for him. I used to think it was a black and white subject and everything is perfect until i found this out. my friends and family adore him, he's a genuinely good person and he has matured a lot. he was just very dumb and doesn't realize where his actions will take him and that may be the one thing that totally screws up his love life

If it makes you feel better to explain then feel free. I can't speak for anyone else but I won't judge him personally. I've lived long enough to know very few things are black & white.

My wife's best friend was cheating on her husband, who I worked with...I was the whistle blower My conscience couldn't take it
Well...my wife was ticked for a while because I put her in an awkward position, my wife's friend blamed me for him leaving her & he was pissed I took a month to tell him So then I let my wifes frind move in with us rent free until she got back on her feet. They are both married to other people & much happier...but both still hate me
But atleast MY conscience is clean I did what I felt was right

As for him being a good person but dumb...to quote Ron White "you can't fix stupid"