[flyerfan24]

Hi,
This is my first post and I need help. I think a little history would be helpful to the group. I am a devorced father of 3. My 2 oldest children are grown and off to college.......they left once they turned 188 to be with thier mother who offered them a free lifestyle. I'm a typical father I feel with rules and boundries.......I know that i am strict compared to my friends and how they treat their children. I have part time custody of my 10 year old son who is a well behaved intelligent young man. I love him dearly!
I met a woman 4 years ago now and we have been dating ever since. My carreer takes me abroad often. I am not able to spend as muhc time as I would like with her due to my work and job repsonsiblities. She has 4 children and a husband she has been seperated from for 4 years now. They are not pursuing a divorce on either side. She states that she does not want to lose her medical benefits which I understand totally. Her children are completely different than mine. My children have never dne drugs to my knowledge, stolen things, been drinking underage.(Im sure college changed that) but again not on my watch. They are respectful young adults. Her children have run the gmabit of dirnking as early as 13-14 yo......drugs and even seeling drugs and furnishing them to their underage siblings and their friends. I certainly express my concerns when my GF tells me these problems but have never ever addressed her children.
I have kept my GF from my home and not introduced my children especially my youngest to her or her children mostly due to these exterme differences. I wouldnt involve them wiht people llike this out of fear of them being influenced.
Form the very begining I have been very clear about not wanting to mix children and families. I feel my youngest will eventually go with his mother and then it would not be an issue. My GF has resented this and taken it personally even though I repeatedly tell her that I want to have a llife with her and not iinclude our children sinc ei feel it is hard enough these days wth out bringing the children and their drama.
I have always been very clear about my devotion, love and respect to her and have never ever done anything to break that. My only crime mostly is that I am not available as often as she would like. The worst case would be seeing her for an hour on her lunchtime one week and then seeing her a few other times the next week. There is no real patteren or reaosn other than my commitments to my son and work.
I have worked to build a decent life for myself and unfortunately that does involve having a job that offers me the security. She has never had a problem really until now I guess. We have gone away together a few times for a long weekend. I owned a large boat that we used and I even morred in in her town which is 1.5 hours away from me. I did this because we could see each other more often that way. I got rid of the baot due to fuel cost and we purchsed a camper. She purchased the camper and I paid for the seasonal campground fee. The fee was more than the camper. I would tent camp while she used the camper and then once my little guy would go to sleep we would sit around the campfire and enjoy being together. I purchased a brand new camper much larger in hope we could use it the same way. She got very upset and felt slighted that i did this with out her. we had looked one weekend together but I traded my boat in whihc was a $60,000. boat into this new camper. I felt that it made sense since we didnt use the boat any longer and the cmaping seemed somethng she enjoyed. She wuld go on weekend to the campground with her children and whomever she wished to be there. I had hoped the new camper would be used the same way yet the 1st time we took it together it became a disater. her fellings were so hurt that I had bught this new camper with out including her. It seems that even thought I did what i thought would benefit us in the long run was just taken the wrong way. I still own the camper and she sold the other one for more than she paid.......so she isn't out any money. had she lost money i would have given her the difference. I have no idea wha will happen with cmping this year now.
The real problme is that over the past month there has been arguments that mostly stem out of her being lonely. I have sucggested she join a club, organization etc. She has an interest in cake decorating and I offered to pay for classes that she can take. I thought that would be something she enjoyed. Her child that lvies with her is disresctful to her and leaves ever friday and does not retunr until monday mornings usually. She goes and stays with her father who quite frankly could care less this youn girl is there. I know it is difficult for my gf since she clearly was an excellent mother to all her children but those days have erodded into argumentive children who are too much for her to handle.
2 years ago I spent a great dela of time searching for a ring that i thought was fitting for her. I treated it mostly as a commitment ring if there is such a thing...it is a diamond solitare however the day I wanted to propose to her I relaly want to give her a bue diamond. I think they are unique and I would want her to now that is the way I feel about her.
Anyway.......she now is going out on saturday night to bar rooms. She has a few times before over the past 4 years and mostly gets drunk and doesnt recall even speaking to me. She says she recalls this or that but doesnt recall other things. It had been an issue before whihc I felt we resloved. I don't go to bars at all.....I dont socialize with the "boys" or anything remotely like that. I simply have no desire to do this since I feel a bar is just trouble when you are in a committed relationship. 3 saturdays ago she went out......I feeling insecure called and got her upset. while I reluctantly told her to please go back iside and have fun it tore me up inside. We had several more calls during the night and each was me apologizing and asking her to fogive me for being immature........we talked about it as recently as this past thurday.....where she again admited to me that due to the affects of alcohol she didnt trust herself since she did not recall out conversations especially the last where she told me...." I will go out when I want,,,,,,,,I will see who I want, ,,,,,,and I will tlak to whoever I want,,,,,,,unless you are willing to be that person sitting there with me I dnt feel it is fair of you to say anything.
She told me this thrusday that she owuld just not be going to bar room anymore since she had tried to give it another try and that clearly she cant mix a relaitonship with this type of social llife.
This past saturday night she was ocne again in the same bar with probably the same people.
There is obvioulsy more to the story but would take a book.
My stomach is sick over this....my heart is broken totally broken. I can not get rid of everythng I own and get rid of my responsibilites quick enough to try to be a better person for her. I fault myself and my life for all that has happened and have no idea what to do........
Can anyone please help me......I feel I have met a perosn in my life I would spend an enternity with however I dont think she feels the same way unless I conform to her wishes. What are the rules when dating and a distance relationship? Is it wrong for me to feel apprehensive? How do I get over my feleings of being a total failure with her and how do I let her know my devotion so she doesnt seek it in a bar room?

Please? Anyone?

I'm sorry for the length of this letter.

[flyerfan24]

Well this worked out well.

[Vlo1980]

Hi and welcome! I hope you like it here.

I read your post and from what I can understand, your girlfriend senses your insecurity and is taking advantage of it. She should be more understanding of the fact that you're a hard working man, doing your best to provide for her and even for her children. Your commitment and devotion to her is really commendable and she should appreciate it because qualities like yours are very rare in most people nowadays. You shoudn't have to give up what you have to be a better person for her because you're already doing everything you can, she on the other hand is going out to bars and behaving in a way that shows nothing but complete disrespect toward you. You're the one who should be giving her an ultimatum, not the other way around.

I hope you realize that you deserve better than this and your children do as well. You're a person with morals and having your kids exposed to her behavior and all the messed up things she and her kids are doing can have really bad consequences. I hope you realize that.

Good luck!

[lostnbigcity]

Hi,
wow, I read your post and feel very sad for you . I'm going to say what first came to my mind after reading it...I too am in a very bad situation and for the first time in my life I'm starting to think long and hard about what LOVE truly is..having said that...We only have ONE LIFE TO LIVE and you have to look at the whole picture ..I love my b/f dearly but do I want to spend the rest of my life trying to fix things all the time? I'm no expert but I do know that a relationship should be a partnership...you need to ask yourself if the differences you two have worth the fight? I think you are right to keep the kids at a distance until you are ready to make a decision because bringing them into a rocky situation isn't fair to them...now if you really love this woman and she is willing to go all the way it's time for a nice long chat and make sure you BOTH know what you expect from eachother.(especially ,giving up going to the bar) I don't party at all but if I did, I would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant saving my relationship....I know how hard it is to waste life trying to make something work and it just isn't going anywhere.I know you probably know this but going into a relationship with so many problems is a very very hard thing to do.....I'm here for you if you ever need to talk....Sometimes love just isn't enough & I'm finding this out as each day passes...I wish you the best and hope things work out for you...take care

[flyerfan24]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond.....I said a lot above and again will say that the whole story would fill a book. isn't that true of everyone?
We have talked and seemed to come to an understanding. She tried to explain her reasons and why she chose a bar......she said she would go back to the bar......Im not sure if that mena the particular one or any bar......i didnt want to ask and sound like a jerk.
Since she had told me the week prior that she just couldn't go to a bar and have the booze affecting her.....yet went there a few days after she proclaimed that......well I feel it is hard to take her word.
I have always put a lot of stock in a persons word.......I was in the Navy and have done work for the DOD.......a persons word is the ultimate. Without it there is little to go on.
The whole bar drinking events are just so stressful......partly because I guess I was raised so differently and also because I am a man. I'm getting tired of sitting all by myself at work and at home too, but I dont thikmI will find the answers I need in a bar.
I have made a choice to seek out my local priest and get back inot my faith. For me I think is the best to handle this situation.
I do love her dearly and I know she loves me.......I just get the feleing that this new diversion of hers to ward off being lonely while I am not there can go horribly wrong is all. It isn't that I dont trust her....I dont trust the booze, the climate in a bar room. I honeslty have told her that i dont see why she can't go to a place like TGIF (Fridays) Red Lobster etc. All those places have bars that foks can sit at and socialize...but they aren't filled with drunks etc. I guess it is all how you look at it.
In any case I just have this nagging feeling that this is or was an ultimatium of sorts on her part. It has sort of worked but I think it is looking more and more that it has backfired for her and me too.

I just would never ever have done that. If I wanted to go out to a bar to have girls buy me drinks and socialize with them then I would have told her and said that was it........
Is this just me being jelaous? Is my male pride clouding my perspective here?
Or do I have this right and the bluff she played was dangerous? and now the end is here?

I relaly do not know what to do? I have expressed myself carefully i feel with out sounding controling. I have told her she certainly can go where she wants...that is always met with..."I know I can do what I want!".....just doesnt seem like the answer or response that is nice. Sounds kind of sarcastic and rude to be honest.
My heart says work it out.....keep talking figure out a compromise.......the pilot in me says to eject!

Help?

[Vlo1980]

If she wants to go wherever she wants, and see whomever she wants without taking you into consideration, she shouldn't be in a relationship. She should remain single. Socializing and getting drunk with other men just because you're not around isn't something you should tolerate at all! Blaming you for her bad behavior is even worse. She should appreciate everything you do and should be well aware of the fact that you are absent a lot because you're working your butt off to give her the best life you can possibly give, not because you're out there looking for a good time.

If I were you I'd move on, I know it's hard because you love her but getting back into your faith is an excellent idea! You may end up meeting a person with the same morals and integrity as you in the process.

I say eject!

[thunderbear]

I think you are doing exactly what your suppossed to be doing. She is taking advantage of your time away for work and doing her own thing. Which would be ok except a woman in a relationship should not be in a bar partying. As far as her kids, I don't blame you for not wanting them around your young son. If they buy drugs for their younger siblings, they would'nt think twice about getting them for your son. I say get out of this relationship and move on.

[flyerfan24]

Well I appreciate the thoughts and insight given. It seems that I am leaning towards ending things. I wouold really appreciate anyones thoughts and advice.
We are going to go on a little trip this weekend. Nothing big just a relaxing over nighter.
I didnt mention earlier that one time....long long ago I was dating and engaged to a girl for a few years. .....Things seemed very much like this.........eventually I found out she was going out while I was away and messing around sort of. I broke it off immediately when found out. I eventually met a gal who I married and for 15 years llife was perfect.....children etc.......then out of the blue we didnt love each other.....or she didnt love me i guess. Bitter is pretty muhc the proper word to say how I felt. I never expected divorce in my life....it happened to eveyone else but not me.
It took me a long time to find someone to date......I was pretty good being alone...I worked and raised my kids, but now after 4 years of being involved with this gal and her attitude lately I feel like I am just better off alone. Im not a casual dater at all......not interested in this. I would say that together our intimate life has been very good......very deep and intense. The way it should be.......no problems there for us. It relly si the time away fomr each other and her sudden need to be out in a social atmosphere rather than home. Someone actually suiggested if she wanted to be active and social why doesn't she do some volunteer work since she lives in an area that there are many types of organizations like that. I certinaly agree wiht that, it really si the bar room syndrome I guess that i cant get over.
Now I am very worried about any kind of intimacy! I know it seems stupid and imature and although I have no proof to suggest that she might have been involved in a casual encounter.......Im am just freaking out about this weekend! I really jus wanted to hang out and relax this weekend not have some romantic interlude. While I was in the Navy (7 years) I never took liberty like that. The hwole AID things scares the heck out of me. I guess it is funny that I would be so worried abut this, but I am. I feel violated by her and just dont feel I should be subjected to any risk or possibility.
Well I guess I will post after this weekend if I even get the courage to actually go. Right now it is still on!

Thank you thought to eveyrone who has responded...I sincerely appreciate hearing others points of views.

[Stevie Oaksmith]

First, I do not think either of you are getting out of this relationship what you need/desire.
It seems to me she needs someone full time in her life and is in the bars looking for that since you are not there, I know this is very hard to accept as you feel you are giving it your all. Sometimes though you can give it your all and it is not enough.
The fact that your children have taken priority in your life is commendable, I have done the same for many years. But, there comes a time in your life where you also need to recongnise your own needs. I suppose that is what you have done by pursuing a relationship with this woman. I just do not think this is the best woman for you.
I am sure you both have a lot to offer to someone, but just not to each other. I think if you find that right woman you will not need to question intentions/motivations/feelings. Of course I myself dream of finding that perfect for me man so I may not be the best on this subject as I have yet to see that occur.
You may be best to let her go find her own way and you go yours so you can open yourself to a better experience. It sounds like you have a lot to give/offer to someone who appreciates it and someone you will allow in your life on a full time basis.
I understand that these type of long distance/partial relationships work for some people but I feel each of you wants more then the other can give.
I am no relationship expert by any means but I think you can find someone who will be more devoted and dedicated to you but you must also be willing to let them in.
I do hope you can either resolve this or find someone who better suits your needs.

Here is my .02 Take it with a grain of salt as its just my not so humble opinion

I feel your pain. I really do. I just recently broke up with a man who I didn't think was a good influence for my child. Even though my baby is only 14 months old.. i am not willing to sacrifice his experience growing up for a man. There are always other men(or women in your case) in the sea.. who may be more suitable for you.

Personally.. I think that both of you are just not happy with the way things are going. She feels she is not getting enough of you, and you feel that she is asking for more than you can give. That shows that your relationship priorities are very different. Can I ask - When you started this relationship, were you clear about what you both wanted?(I think thats basically what you stated, but I just want to be clear for a few reasons)Personally, if you entered the relationship with certain boundaries, I feel it is unfair for her to become bitter or passive-agressive about those boundaries later on. Much as it would be unfair to agree to no children, and then later on one decides that they will demand children.

Your children are your children, and they are tantamount here. In the end, like i said, there will always be more people to meet, but you only have the children you have now - you can't just go and replace children. If you truly feel that her children are going to be a poor influence to yours, then you are absolutely bounded by the responsibilty to protect your children. And really, her parenting is not something you can really have a say in as you are not their step parent and it is not your responsibility or privledge to parent them. You can make suggestions in care, but even that can put her off if not worded correctly.. its a very sensitive issue.

It sounds though, that you have a healthy amount of love for this woman. You strive to make a life with her, as much as possible, even though it requires many sacrifices and much planning. She doesn't seem to have much appreciation for this in my eyes. Im not sure why, if I was in her position id be pretty damned happy that you were making all of those adjustments for her, even though i might be a tad sad i couldnt have more.. i would know what i got into in the first place.

I wonder - because you will not let the children mingle - do you think that perhaps she "understands" why, but feels a little bit angry because of it? Maybe she feels a little judged? I am just thinking of how I might feel. Keep in mind I WHOLLY agree with your decision.. but i know that might sting a little bit as a mom.

I wonder too if maybe she is starting to tire a bit of all the run-around required for you to see each other? And it sounds like maybe you are as well, if not conciously than subconciously.

I dont get why she was unhappy with a new camper. Well, i guess I can see being a tad unhappy with not being involved..but not to that degree. I sort of feel that she might be choosing her battles in a way..if you know what i mean. OF course there is ALWAYS two sides to the story so im sure there is more too it like you say. Personally speaking. im sure i would be a LITTLE miffed at not being involved, but id be really excited to see a new camper. From what you say it sounds bigger/better than the old one? That cant be a bad thing.

I am not sure without knowing her if going to the bar is a bad thing or not. It really depends on her personality and if she is the type who cannot control herself when drinking or who tends to drink to excess. Personally the not remembering would worry me, not just because it may lead her to infidelity. Personally i think thats the least scary thing that could happen. As someone who has been Roofied twice at a bar, and thank GOODNESS i had good friends with me who spotted it and basically swooped in to save me, it is VERY dangerous to drink to that excess and leave yourself vulnerable. Not just that, but she could end up saying the wrong thing to the wrong woman and end up the victim of violence, robbery or any number of things. Bars on a whole are not where the most moral of people hang out, and a bunch of drunks is usually bad news. Does she go with friends or alone? This to me would make a big difference.

Now, heres some positive stuff!

There is totally room here for you to try and make it work. I think you need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation about what you both want, need and desire out of this relationship. You need to be COMPLETELY honest, even if you fear a negative reaction. Truthfully, if you get a seriously negative reaction then honestly you probably should get out and move on. In my opinion everything and anything can be worked out if both parties give it their best and agree to comprimise.. some people cant do that. I would start by telling her exactly how you feel about her, how important to you she is. Make sure you talk her up before you start the conversation and continue to drop the odd reference to your love for her throughout. This will lessen the feeling of it being an attack on her, as she seems terribly defensive. I strongly feel however you need to get all of this out in the open and talked about before it festers some real resentment on both of your parts(more on hers from the sound of things but like you and i said, two sides to every story).Yes, this may be the beginning of the end, I cant promise you that it wont be. But i think that unless you want to stay in a relationship where you are treated as she is treating you(which is disrespectful in my eyes at the very least) you need to adress it. I think though you also probably knew this all along in your heart.

I wish nothing but the very best for you, and will keep my eye on this thread. If i can think of anything else Ill add it!

[miray]

Wow...what a difficult situation you seem to be in. Since you asked, I will give you my honest opinion. Here goes.

First of all I applaud you for thinking so much of your children you don't want to put them in a situation that could harm or cause havok with their upbringing. Too many people don't do that. Secondly, she is still married after 4 years and isn't even considering divorce. That says something. I know she may want his insurance...but if she divorced...wouldn't she get part of "thier" lives together. That should allow her the money to pay for her own insurance. You cannot be engaged to a person who is already married.

If her children have had those types of problems at such an early age it could stem from access and freedom they had been given. Chances are if she knows she shouldn't be in a bar...there are reasons for that. You cannot blame the alcohol for her decisions she makes. She is sober when she makes the decision to go to the bar in the first place. If you don't have trust, there is nothing.

You seem to be going out of your way in many ways to accomodate her. That is great, but it also needs to be a two way street. When there is one person who is continually doing all the work, it is eventually gonna break.

Sometimes people are just different. See things different, want different things, have different values. When there are too many of these differences, especially when it is on very important areas, there is not much hope for the relationship to make it in the long haul.

You have to ask yourself why these things don't bother you. Do you really love her, or the person she seemed to be? If you feel she or her kids aren't good enough to include with yours, that says something about how you really feel.

I think getting back to your faith is a great idea. Hopefully that will give you some clarity and make you feel a little more at peace.

I hope this helps and best of luck to you. Remember there are certain convictions we have that when we seem to be swaying so far off that...it's a clear message.

[flyerfan24]

Well I havent been able to post back..........I will about my feelings but I have to go away for work.
In a nutshell the weekend was okay. talked a little bit but she wasnt able to even begin to apologize or ease any concern.
I'm going away and Im sure she will be right back in a bar room while I am gone. Right now her current problem with that, sounds like she doesnt have the money to go.....Im sure not offering to give her money for it. Her and her drinking buddy are broke.......but I would bet money that one of the two of them will figure out that if they just go with a couple of bucks.......talk it up with some guys then they wont need money anyway because the guys will buy them drinks.....who need money right? And they surely wont be lonely for male companionship.
if Im lucky I will I wont make it back and have to deal with it.
Solves the whole mess.
For what it is worth...I do think she loves me..........it is that she just gets lonely.........and I cant be there on the days she wants to not be lonely.........so thats pretty much it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.....it has helped me.....it really has.
I will post more when I return from the sand dunes!