[allme]

Hi all,

its been a while since I posted here. I havent had contact with T for about a month now. I cant stop thinking about him. He enters my mind every day and I struggle sometimes not to contact him.

I miss those feelings he made me feel, I miss the way he looked at me and most of all I miss talking to him. I still cant think of it as abuse. Its 11 months since I first met him and somtimes I wish I never had but a part of me is glad I did because of the feelings I had while with him. I guess I will never feel those feelings again and that really hurts me. I have tried to have these feelings with my husband but it doesnt happen. I also know that what happened between me and T has damaged my relationship with my husband of 11 yrs. Someting has changed, i have changed.... everything for me has changed. Can anyone explain what happened and why it happened... why were those feelings so so real and so so intense. I used to be a drug addict and it felt exactly like that..... always wanting and waiting for my next fix.

The last time we had contact, we agreed to meet for coffee. I know all I have to do it txt him and he will meet me. Thats hard for me because I would love to see him... and feel those feelings again.... that high... that undescribable intense wonderful feeling of highness.

I lay awake at night thinking of him.... and what it would be like to have him hold me again..... nobody has ever held me like that before. I felt so safe and so desirable..... so attractive and exsplosive. Oh man, no wonder I cant let him go

He told me that the only reason he gave into his attraction for me was because I told him i would of had these feelings for him if I'd met him under normal circumstances and that he had never had physical contact with a patient before. He seemed so so genuine in what he said and I believed him. What if this was the first time>? What if he isnt some kind of pred praying on the weak? What if it was real? how on earth can I let this go and never really know if it was real and what we could possibly have if I allowed myself to go with my desire for him?

Please please please... I need to hear from ppl that have overcome the same situation..... did you believe it was real? How did u get away? have u ever been the same since?

WHY IS THIS SO HARD

[emilyjeanne]

Hi allme,

First I want to say that this is a very hard situation. Please get yourself into therapy with a new T. Because this will be hard to deal with on your own.

I've been in the same situation as you. However, it went on for years. I was unable to pull myself away from him because he would manipulate me at every chance he got. I moved away only because I was going to school. I was miserable and started therapy with a new T in the area I was living in at school.

When I finally stopped all contact I attempted suicide. That was 10 years ago and i still have not gotten over it. However, I have found a great Pdoc who I do therapy with and I'm working on the feelings and thoughts about him.

So to answer your questions:
(1) I had to move away so that I limited my urge to contact him.
(2) I got a new T.
(3) This kind of abuse is equivalent to incest and very harmful.

What you need to be careful of is talking to people who are currently having erotic transference with their T. You are very raw and it has been my experience that some people on this board wanted to know how "I" seduced my T and other details because they wanted to have this kind of relationship with their T. Asking these types of questions to a person who has been taken advantage was out of line and not to mention they really don't know how abusive the situation is. Sorry about my rant.

I guess what I'm saying is you really need to fight your feelings to contact your T. Get some help with a T who has very strict boundaries. You will be stronger after you work thru these feelings and come out on the otherside to live a great life.

[Gus1234U]

being needy puts us in a very vulnerable position. it doesn't really matter much if you were his first indescretion, or his 100th,, what matters is that your marriage was failing when you went for therapy, or you wouldn't have been so vulnerable. deal with the first problem, let the other one wait,,,, best wishes,, Gus

[allme]

I used to be on this board a while back but I think ppl lost all hope on me My sessions ended with him in September but we had phone contact since. He agreed to meet me outside... and have coffee. The physical stuff only ever happened in sessions. I really miss him BUT want him out of my head. I am seeing a new t but it isnt helping that much. I have explained everything to her but nothing she says really helps me.

I cant accept it was abuse but feel that until i do i wont start on road to recovery

BTW I have no plans on seeing him. So far I have resisted but its getting harder

[allme]

[quote=emilyjeanne;1599039]Hi allme,

(3) This kind of abuse is equivalent to incest and very harmful.

---- Why is this so?

[emilyjeanne]

[quote=allme;1599057]

Originally Posted by emilyjeanne

Hi allme,

(3) This kind of abuse is equivalent to incest and very harmful.

---- Why is this so?

Check out the links on this page:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=128029

It will give you information about the abuse of power and stuff that I can't verbalize. I wish I could verbalize.

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by allme

I used to be on this board a while back but I think ppl lost all hope on me My sessions ended with him in September but we had phone contact since. He agreed to meet me outside... and have coffee. The physical stuff only ever happened in sessions. I really miss him BUT want him out of my head. I am seeing a new t but it isnt helping that much. I have explained everything to her but nothing she says really helps me.

I cant accept it was abuse but feel that until i do i wont start on road to recovery

BTW I have no plans on seeing him. So far I have resisted but its getting harder

I just want to add that it took me over 3 years to trust my new T to the point where I could get something out of the sessions. Part of the problem is that your old T fractured the trust process.

Also, I remember you from way back.

[allme]

Thanks again

My husband is acting like a nasty piece of work at the moment. he has problems with mental health at the moment and I understand that but I will not tolerate his behaviour towards me

All this is pushing me to contact T again

[allme]

I am on the verge of txting him ..... so stressed out its killing me

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by allme

I am on the verge of txting him ..... so stressed out its killing me

I'm from the US so I don't know what kind of services are over there in England. Please see if you can make an appointment to talk to someone. Or call a crisis hotline. This may help you not make contact with him.

[allme]

too late I sent him a txt. It was unbearable... I felt as though i was burning inside.. the desire to contact him won.

I will call my T (my new female t) to talk about it... she knows everything... AM I SOME KIND OF IDIOT I WAS DOING SO WELL but I miss him so much. i dont intend on seeing him, I just want to hear from him...

I'm just an idiot I know this, I cant explain it but hope I'm understood

[allme]

I am feeling quite depressed right now... maybe that has alot to do with it... my resources are I guess tied up there....

[rainbow8]

allme: I've been thinking about the way you described your feelings for your former T. The high you said you felt, and the feeling safe and unlike anything you've ever felt before, even with your husband, sounds very similar to the way I've felt about my Ts. My Ts have been female like me, and no one is gay.

So, I think a lot of what you feel for him is because he was your T. As others have posted in this forum and in the main psychotherapy forum, clients usually develop strong feelings for their Ts whether they are the same sex or the opposite. I have felt that same desire for a "fix" from most of the Ts I have seen, and have contacted them in between sessions for that reason.

Have you and your new T discussed the unmet needs from your past that are causing you to not be able to let go of this relationship with your former T? I do have to say that in your case it's your former T who is at fault. He should have his license taken away from him. He should never allow anything to happen between you. He's the one escalating it. You are healthier than he is. I don't blame you for wanting to contact him again. I can see myself in the same predicament and not being able to stop myself.

I really hope that you don't see him in person again, and that contact your T ASAP if you haven't already. I hope she knows how to work with you to get you through your feelings.

[allme]

hey.

I speak with my CPN quite alot about my old t but we dont really seem to be going anywhere with it ... alot of talking but nothing else.

So old t txt me back... said he had alot going on and would txt me today. But he didnt txt me and have a feeling I have been somewhat dumped. Which, is probably a good thing in a way but not in another as now I feel abandoned and depressed about it I feel like calling or txting him and telling him what a user I think he is and how angry I am with him. If he has any idea what this has done to me, he needs locking up. He has really messed with my head big time and dont know how long it will take me to recover ..... feels like that will be never.

How dare he just pick me up and then throw me away like I never mattered. I am sure if I txt him this stuff he would be back on side but I bet it would only be through fear that I would report him.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate him and I hate me even more right now......

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by allme

hey.

I speak with my CPN quite alot about my old t but we dont really seem to be going anywhere with it ... alot of talking but nothing else.

So old t txt me back... said he had alot going on and would txt me today. But he didnt txt me and have a feeling I have been somewhat dumped. Which, is probably a good thing in a way but not in another as now I feel abandoned and depressed about it I feel like calling or txting him and telling him what a user I think he is and how angry I am with him. If he has any idea what this has done to me, he needs locking up. He has really messed with my head big time and dont know how long it will take me to recover ..... feels like that will be never.

How dare he just pick me up and then throw me away like I never mattered. I am sure if I txt him this stuff he would be back on side but I bet it would only be through fear that I would report him.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate him and I hate me even more right now......

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much with this. I can imagine the intensity of those feelings and desires...and the 'what ifs'....it's torture. Please don't hate yourself. Be curious about these desires and work towards figuring out what you need and how you can get it in your life without this T. I know it's hard, so so so hard, but you have been able to do so much so far to get to a healthier place. You are worth it.

[sharon123]

I remember you, Allme, and know exactly how and why you are struggling. Feelings are feelings; they aren't right or wrong, they just are. My t and I are having a personal relationship (not sex); we are colleagues....i went to him for a business dispute and have stayed with him.

[geez]

Allme what is the game plan from here? Has your T txt'd back? Have you contacted your new T to tell what's going on right now?

[ladyjrnlist]

Your old T isn't interested anymore because he likes the "naughtiness" of being with a client in therapy in an inappropriate way. You should report him for what he did with you. He took advantage of you in a horrible way. The relationship was never real. That's why you are so conflicted now about it. You let your guard down, as we all have to do in therapy, and he jumped in and controlled you when he could. Tell him to screw off and report him. You deserve better.

Allme I wanted to say that I'm very sorry this happened to you. Transference is something that a therapist must take responsibility for handling. You were the patient, the one looking for help. Not harm. He was very wrong for this. Like the one member said it equates to incest. Transference is often over how we view our parents in childhood. What we wanted from them or didn't have. It's awful he tried to provide that in a sexual way. It is in all means rape. Statutory rape. They use the term when people sexually abuse those incable of saying no. Children, people with intellectual disabilities. And yes us, the ones vulnerable from mental illnesses. It's even more awful when you have to love the man who raped you. I know how this feels. You defend him. You deny it. You tell yourself you started it. But he's manipulated you, even brainwashed. You trusted him and he took that from you. I'm just sorry.

I also just read about how your T doesn't respond. This is a typical reaction to counter transferance. You were never in love with him and he was never in love with you. In all truth. He maybe appreciated taking care of you. Fell for the fact that you depended on him. Fell for you needing him. And when you left you didn't need him anymore. You didn't solely depend on him. Growing up maybe your father coddled you, gave you lots of attention of the opposite, ignored you, now your sitting in T's office telling him all your life problems. He's giving you all this undivided attention. Maybe you tell him how much you need him. T grew up as the oldest child and took care of his two siblings and a ill mother while his father worked till 8pm. He falls for the ones he has to take care of, the ones that have to depend on him. It gives him control even. A lot of therapists are caretakers by nature. Now that you're not there, he can't have the control. He never loved you. He loved coddling you. He loved domineering. And that would never work out in a relationship. (of course that's an example of how transference can go... I don't know the dynamics of you and your T). In therapy though transference is okay. Counter transference is not. Especially when it leads to things like this. And patients get hurt worse.

[Brightheart]

I don't think countertransference in and of itself has to be a bad thing in therapy. I have little doubt that T's experience emotional responses to interactions with their clients frequently. The key would be for the therapist to use these responses as a tool to help the client. The therapist cannot act out on feelings and must protect the safety of the client at all times. His/her feelings can't interfere with a client's therapy. So the therapist must remain very aware of himself and his reactions all of the time. At the same time, when managed and used wisely, these responses could offer information about the client that could be helpful to the client. The key would be having an ethical and professional therapist who is skilled enough to handle this. If the therapist ever felt as if he/she couldn't handle their own feelings, then it would be their professional duty to reassign the client to another therapist.

Your therapist failed you in this, allme. You are not to blame for his indiscretions. I think what you may be experiencing is separation distress due to attachment. This can be extremely painful! There is a strong need to connect with the attachment figure. But this relationship has not been emotionally healthy for you. Your therapist violated codes of ethics and you are vulnerable to getting seriously hurt. Try to find something alternative to do when the urge to connect comes over you. Phone a friend...write on here...sit on your hands...do anything really to keep yourself from initiating further contact with this man. I'm so sorry you are hurting from this! It will get better, little by little, day by day, as you make this break. Hang in there, allme, and take gentle care.

[rainbow8]

allme, how are you doing? Please post!!!!